This is a conversational transcript of a YouTube video (Vanessa and Xander Marin) teaching couples how to talk to their partner about sex. Vanessa (a licensed sex/relationship therapist) and Xander outline practical, step-by-step do's and don'ts: practice wording alone ("break the ice"), open with compliments and attraction, start conversations positively rather than immediately focusing on problems, follow up with praise, and repeat positive compliments before addressing heavier issues. The video gives specific word-for-word example phrases, sequencing advice, and points viewers to a free downloadable guide with conversation openers.
Chapters
When was the last time you talked to your partner about sex?
I don't know.
If you're like most people, the answer is never.
Hey, we're Vanessa and Xander Marin. We're married and we've been together and talking about sex since 2007. Our mission is to equip you the tools that you need to create an extraordinary relationship inside the bedroom and out.
In this video, you're going to learn exactly what to do to increase your communication confidence and start having conversations that bring you and your partner closer together. So you're going to come away with a step by step process for making sex feel exciting to talk about rather than shameful and embarrassing like it is for so many of us. We're going to give you specific word for word examples for how to open up and have these conversations with ease and tons of valuable information that I typically only share with my paying coaching clients.
Sounds pretty good.
So, just to quickly introduce ourselves, I am a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex and relationship therapy. Spent the last 15 plus years working with thousands of couples, and I've served as a featured expert for magazines and websites like the New York Times, oh, the Oprah Magazine, Real simple and many more.
And I'm her husband. I used to work in the corporate world, but when I saw how much impact Vanessa was making with her work, I decided to join her so that we could reach even more people. Plus, being married to a sex therapist, I've picked up some pretty good insight into what does and doesn't make relationships work. And I just enjoy sharing real stories from our own life so that you guys can learn from them.
So if you want to have an exceptional sex life, you have to be able to talk about sex. But the reality is that most of us just don't know how. I mean, where do you ever learn this, right?
Yeah, it's awkward, right?
Sex is one of the trickiest topics for people to talk about openly. And there are plenty of people out there who have never had a sex single conversation with their partner about their intimate relationship. So we want to support you in having these incredibly important conversations. We ourselves have benefited from being able to talk about sex openly and honestly. So we want to walk you through specific do's and don'ts to get the ball rolling.
Our first do is break the ice with yourself. The first step to talking about sex confidently with someone else is actually just getting comfortable with the topic yourself. So think about any words or phrases that trip you up in the past. What words make you blush, what have you not been able to say in the past. So practice saying those words and phrases by yourself out loud in front of a mirror. I know that sounds crazy, but making eye contact with yourself will mimic some of that vulnerability that you might feel when you're with your partner.
So it might be for you literally just repeating the word sex over and over again until it starts to feel more comfortable. From there, you can try out phrases like, I want to talk about sex. Talking about sex is healthy. Sex is important to me. I want to have a great sex life. Touch me here. Or do you want to have sex? So again, the idea is to repeat these words or phrases over and over again until it starts to feel a lot easier. You might even laugh at yourself a bit. It might start to feel ridiculous at some point, but you just want to get more comfortable with those words.
So the second do is give a compliment. So at this point, it's time to start talking to your partner. But don't worry, we're going to take it nice and easy.
We're not throwing you into the deep end here.
So just start off by giving your partner a compliment specifically about how attracted you are to them. That's it. Like, we told you, it wouldn't be this hard.
So by doing this, you're not talking about sex specifically, but you are talking about attraction and desire, which are pretty closely related, and you're keeping it really light and playful. We just want this to feel as easy as possible. Now, something that comes up often is that your partner might have a hard time receiving that compliment, but it's still going to register for them that you're making an effort. So some examples might be, wow, you are so beautiful or handsome. I can't take my eyes off you. Damn, you're looking good today. Look at those arms. I want to be wrapped up in them. That shirt looks unreal on you. Or, I'm just as attracted to you as I was the day that we met.
Oh, thank you, babe.
That's so nice. So go ahead and flirt with your partner a little bit again if it feels light and playful and fun, like, that's what we're going for.
All right, now let's get into some don'ts. So the first don't is don't talk about the negatives. This is the first thing that a lot of people get wrong. Talking about your sex life does not mean you have to go straight into the problems in your sex life. Like, because unfortunately, since most of us are so embarrassed talking about sex, we only actually start to try talking about it when things are really bad or when something is wrong. So that really just contributes to feeling more anxiety about talking about sex.
So instead we want to encourage you to do the exact opposite and start talking about the good stuff first. You want to have some positive experiences talking about sex so you can keep that momentum going rather than feeling like you have this disastrous conversation and you never want to talk about it ever again. So it's a lot easier, it's a whole lot more fun to talk about the positives. And it's also way more effective. Then once you get comfortable talking about sex in a positive or even just a neutral way, you'll feel way more confident bringing up the trickier stuff down the road.
Yeah, yeah. I think the key is save that stuff for later. So now let's get into another do. The next one is offer praise. Offer a day or two after you have that first conversation that we just talked about, loop back around and let them know that you really enjoyed talking about sex with them. Give them a lot of praise so.
You can tell your partner something like, I realize I asked you a pretty out of the blue question about our sex life the other day, but I really enjoyed talking to you about it. It made me feel close to you. So thanks for willing to have that conversation with me.
You're welcome.
If the conversation was hard for one or for both of you, you can add that to your praise. You could say something like, you know, I want us both comfortable talking about sex, but wow, it is really hard, isn't it? I'm really proud of us that we were both willing to keep trying even though it was challenging.
Okay, the final do is give another compliment. Now that you've had one good conversation about sex, you might be tempted to just jump into the deep end with all the other stuff you've been wanting to tell or talk to your partner about. But don't do that yet. If you've never talked about sex before, your partner might still be a little suspicious that you brought it up. You don't want them thinking that you are just opening up the conversation so that you could pounce on them with criticism or complaints next.
Instead, you want to keep the good vibes rolling by giving them another compliment. So it's best if it's something specific that they did recently. But you can also refer back to older memories, so some examples might be I love the way that you really took your time kissing me the other day. I appreciate that you initiated with me yesterday. It made me feel good to know how much you wanted me. Since we talked about our sexual memories last week, I keep thinking about all these great experiences that we've shared together. We're so lucky to have had that great chemistry right off the bat. Or even just something like, do you know how hot your body is? I can't get enough of it. So don't use this step to initiate sex either. You're still getting your partner used to the idea of talking about sex more openly. So again, the idea here have lots of positive conversations, keep that momentum going, and then once you start feeling so much more comfortable, that's when you can get more complex and bring up maybe weightier issues.
Cool. So that wraps up our top do's and don'ts for talking to your partner about sex. If you like this video, give it a like or better yet, leave us a comment down below. Let us know which tip you're gonna put into practice and if you like this video, subscribe to our channel. Hit that notification bell so that you get notified as soon as we have more videos out for you.
And we also have a gift for you. So we've put together a free guide to talking about sex with your partner which includes our step by step process, our two favorite conversation openers. These are really great and you're definitely going to want to find out what they are. And some bonus tips for making sure that that conversation is a success. So you can find the download link in the description box. See you next time.
