Vanessa and Xander Marin walk through how women can take control during sex, starting with talking to your partner first, then baby steps like being more vocal or suggesting positions. They argue men don't have to always lead, and suggest working up to taking charge for an entire encounter.
Chapters
We can't start a video so your partner tells you, hey, babe, I want you to take control tonight, but you have no freaking idea what to do. So today's video is for the ladies, and we are going to guide you through some specific steps for taking control in the bedroom.
Oh, yeah.
So want to give a little bit of a heteronormative alert here. We try to keep our videos as inclusive as possible, but we wanted to talk about some. Some specific dynamics that come up in male, female relationships, because we are taught to believe that men are really supposed to be more of the initiators. Like, they're supposed to have the higher sex drives. They're supposed to initiate take control, like, kind of be the leaders of the whole thing. And we think that these stereotypes, honestly are bs. We think that women absolutely should feel empowered to take the lead, take control in the bedroom, and have a good time. So we know this can bring up a lot of anxiety. So we're going to guide you through some specific steps, and we think you're actually going to be pretty relieved to realize it is possible for you to take control in the bedroom. But before we get into all of that, we want to hear from you. Have you ever wanted to take control in the bedroom, but just felt like, I don't even know what to do? So let us know down in the comments.
All right. But if you're brand new here, we just first want to say, hi. We are Vanessa and Xander Marin. Vanessa here is a sex therapist. I'm a regular dude. We've been together 14 years, and perhaps you'll see them. We have our cute little pug sitting next to us. They sometimes pop into the frame. Maggie and Winston over here.
And our account is all about giving you the tools, tips, and techniques that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship. So if you are interested in that, just go ahead and hit that subscribe button so you never miss a single video.
All right, first things first. I want to acknowledge that you may be feeling weird about the idea of taking control in the bedroom. That is okay. However, we really want to normalize. We need to normalize the fact that, you know, no gender has a monopoly on being able to take control in the bedroom. And it is totally okay for women to take control in the bedroom. We have been socialized to feel that only men can. Or maybe you just feel like, oh, well, this is not really my role. I'm just going to lay back and not really. Not really do anything.
Yeah, there are a lot of women who, you know, we have these kind of funny words for it, like, we end up doing the pillow princess or just starfishing. You know, you're just kind of there on the bed letting sex happen to you rather than being an active participant in it. And we, like Xander was saying, firmly believe that everybody has the capacity to take control. Like, just have more ownership over your own experience and even, like, be the one kind of leading the whole experience, too.
All right, so how do you start to take control if you've never done it before? You've only done it a couple times, and it felt really awkward. So flip. First tip, Talk to your partner about it beforehand. I think a lot of people feel like, oh, I just have to take the whole thing from start to finish and not say anything and just surprise them and do it. And yeah, that is going to feel more weird because you feel awkward. Your partner doesn't know what's happening. So talk to your partner about it. Yeah, you don't need to surprise them because if you do, it's just going to create a lot of performance pressure for you. And talking to them is going to make it less daunting. But for you, you're gonna get feedback from them. They're gonna be prepared. It's just a better recipe for success.
Yeah. And chances are your partner's gonna be really excited about you taking the lead. So you guys can kind of talk through what would be sexy to them, what would they like to see for you. And maybe in the future you can set this goal of, like, I think it would be really hot for me to just be able to surprise my partner and totally take the lead. That's great for a goal in the future. But if you're feeling really nervous about it now, let's a look. Take. Take some baby steps into it.
Yeah. Vanessa just mentioned baby steps. And because the reality is you do not need to go from zero to dominatrix, I think a lot of us take this mental shortcut in our head thinking, okay, I gotta do this, like, all in or not. But the reality is there's a whole range of possibilities. You also don't need to be in control of the entire experience. You can take control of specific aspects. You can trade off taking control with your partner. There's a whole range of things that you can do, and we're gonna talk through some of those right now.
All right, so let's into some specifics. We're going to share some different ways to take control and some baby steps within those. So the first thing is simply around communicating more. So a really simple baby step is to start off just being more vocal than usual. If you're feeling really nervous about this whole taking control type of thing, just work on that. So you could use it to put more of a focus on your partner, like telling them, I'm going to focus on you tonight. Tonight it's all about you. You could tell them what it is that you want to do to them or. Or you could kind of flip it around and tell your partner to focus on you. So you could tell them exactly what you want them to do to you or kind of bossing them around like this is what you're doing tonight kind of thing. Another thing you can do is suggest things that you guys can try together. So for some people, the idea of taking control is more about coming up with new ideas and making requests. Sometimes people are like, I don't want to be the only one who's ever coming up with new things for us to try. So that could be a way that you take control is by saying, you know, oh, I was reading this article, I watched this YouTube video. This was some ideas that I had of things that we could try together.
Yeah. And then in the moment, during sex, you can take control by moving into different positions that you are choosing rather than your partner. So you could initiate this vocally. Like you could say, I want you to get behind me or like get on top of me. Or you could just go for it and climb on top of them. Like do it non verbally.
Another area where you can take control is around initiating sex. So kind of similar to what I was saying a minute ago about how some people don't want to have full responsibility of always coming up with new things to try. A lot of people don't want to have the full responsibility of initiating sex every single time it gets initiated. So if this is something that your partner normally does, you can take charge and like initiate on your own from time to time. That would probably be very exciting to them. So we know that initiating can be a little bit vulnerable. We want to support you in taking these baby steps. So we will put a link to check out out our Initiation 101 masterclass. It's really inexpensive and it's going to give you 22 specific ways to initiate with your partner so you won't feel like you're just having to like come up with something out of nowhere.
And then of course, the other way to take control is taking control from literally start to finish. Now we would recommend that you get comfortable with some of these other tips, like take control of various aspects of the sexual experience. Get your feet wet, so to speak, feel a little more comfortable, feel a little more confident. And then make the goal that you take control for from start to finish sometimes and see how that is for you.
All right, so that wraps up our video on taking control in the bedroom. If you never have before, if you.
Like the video, please give it a like. You can also hit that red button to subscribe to our YouTube channel and hit the notification icon so you keep getting notified as soon as we post more videos.
