Improve Your Relationship - How To Follow GOOD Relationship Advice

Relationships are not rocket science. Having a great relationship really doesn't have to be as hard as it can sometimes feel. We generally tend to know the things that keep our partner happy, that keep our relationship solid. There's so much fantastic advice out there. Articles, books, all about how to have a healthy relationship. So why do we struggle so much to actually follow through?

Good question.

Hey, there we are. Vanessa and Xander Marin. We are married. We've been together since 2007. And it is our mission to give you the tools that you need to have an extraordinary relationship. Inside of the bedroom and out. So I am a licensed psychotherapist. I specialize in sex and relationships. And I've spent the last 15 years working with thousands of people. And I've served as a featured expert for the New York Times. Oh, the Oprah Magazine, Real simple and many more.

And I'm her husband. I used to work a pretty normal job in the corporate world, but I started seeing how much of an impact Vanessa was making with her work, and I decided to join on so we could reach even more people. I picked up some pretty good insight into what does and doesn't make relationships work. Being married to a sex therapist, after all. And I also just love sharing real stories from our own life that can help you all in your own life and relationships. So in this video, we want to do something a little different. Rather than give you direct relationship advice, we want to talk about how to actually put that advice to good use. Because you can read a ton of articles or books, but if you're not actually taking action on that advice, what's the point?

Just going in one ear and out the other.

So we're going to give you tips for ensuring that you actually follow through on relationship advice and cultivate a happier and healthier relationship. So after watching this video, you're going to have a game plan for how to approach any kind of desired improvement to your relationship.

Now, we do not want you thinking that we are perfect at this. We give out tons of what we think is fantastic relationship advice, but sometimes we really struggle to follow through, too. So I will give you a little example here. There is truly nothing in this world that makes this man happier than cuddling in bed in the morning. If we have even just 60 seconds of cuddle time, it's a little skin to skin action. It really just generates enough goodwill, enough love to keep us in a good place for most of the day.

Simple pleasures, right?

Yeah. So from my perspective, snuggling with Xander in the morning should be a Total no brainer. Right. It takes me 60 seconds to do sets us up for a great day. And yet, for most of our relationship, I hopped right out of bed, started my day without pausing for that moment of connection with Xander. So this doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. Right? Like, why was it so hard for me to do something so simple? Especially since I knew full well just how powerful that tiny little action could be. So, yeah, definitely not perfect. We could stand to improve with this stuff too. So we want to talk about some specific steps for taking action with relationship advice.

Alright, so the first step is view your relationship like a project. Before we get into these tips, we first need to address the mindset aspect of this. Like, we're consistently shocked by how many people think it's normal for relationships to become boring and strained.

Yeah, I can't tell you how many times I'll be working with a couple and they'll say, well, you know, you just can't keep the spark alive for that long. Or like, relationships always get really tough. And it's just sad to see how many people have really low expectations for their relationships, especially in the long term.

Yeah, I think that's super common. But that doesn't have to be your fate. You just have to be intentional about maintaining a healthy relationship. And it's crucial to work on your relationship instead of relying on your relationship to just work. You work hard and you prioritize other things that are important to you, like your career, your health, your knowledge, your family. So you should be showing the same attitude towards your relationship. And this also requires viewing ourselves as works in progress, which maybe is one reason why it can be hard. Because be honest. What have you done in the last month to actively work on being the best version of yourself for your partner?

Oh, that is a tough question that I think a lot of people are going to struggle to answer. Yeah. All right, so now let's talk about these actual steps for putting relationship advice to use. So the first step here is to identify your values. This is really the first step for any sort of self improvement. So establishing relationship values, like in between you and your partner, it really helps the both of you decide what matters most and where to put your time and energy. Because we all have limited amounts of that. Right. So the thing about forming new behaviors is that the behaviors themselves often aren't all that motivating. So me going to snuggle Xander isn't motivating in and of itself because it's not something that's as meaningful for Me as it is for him. I love to snuggle, too, don't get me wrong. But Xander definitely loves it even more than I do. It's not my natural thing that I go to, my natural way to connect with him. So me just going to snuggle him, in and of itself, it doesn't feel super motivating to me. But if we can connect to the underlying values behind those actions, that can become so much more powerful. So. So you're not just making an effort to give your partner more compliments or do the dishes without being asked. You're working on becoming a specific kind of partner, like a sensitive partner or a trustworthy partner or a kind partner, a cuddly partner or a cuddly partner. So it kind of gets our egos involved in a healthy way. So, again, me snuggling Xander, in and of itself, isn't gonna feel that great, is not gonna make me feel that great about myself. But if I decide to myself, you know what? I really wanna be a loving partner. I value being a loving partner. And if I can tie cuddling Xander with me, being able to see myself as a sweet and loving partner, that's gonna get me so much more motivated.

Ooh, I like that.

Yeah. So that brings up the question, how do you identify the values in your relationship? This can actually be a really fun process that you and your partner can go through together. So you can sit down, have a little conversation about it, and you can try asking each other these questions. What do you think defines a great relationship? Answer now, what qualities in a relationship are most important to you?

Cuddling.

And what would you like more of in our relationship?

Same answer.

Yes. So you want to come up with your top, like, five core relationship values together. And again, this can be a really fun process. It can open up some really intimate and connecting conversations. Because we're all different. We all value different things, and it can be really enjoyable to figure out what you guys really value together.

All right, now, once you have those core values, let's talk about how to get the most bang for your buck. The reason Vanessa knows that I love cuddling so much is because she asked me, what are the top three ways you like to be shown love? So, you know, we really love this question because it helps you figure out how to get the most bang for your buck, quite literally, because I'm telling her, the reality is that, you know.

There'S a literal bang. It's a different kind of cuddling.

Because the reality is there are probably hundreds of different Things that you could do for your partner to help them feel loved and appreciated. But who has time for that? So you want to figure out what the top three things that you could do for your partner that they'll really, truly love. Yeah, we like asking each other this question often because it helps us stay curious about each other. Because honestly, after 12 years together.

Ooh, we're coming up on 13, then.

Oh, you know, we think we know each other pretty well, but we still like asking these kinds of questions because. Because we find the answers do tend to change over time.

Oh, yeah, they really do.

This curiosity, it just keeps us on our toes, and it prevents us from settling into complacency. It means, you know, there's always something new that we can learn about each other.

We're not just a boring old married couple who know everything there is to know about each other.

Yeah. So you can also apply this idea of being curious to your sex lives. You know, if you want to figure out what your partner's sex personality type is and what they need most in the bedroom, you should check out our video about all 11 sex personality types. And you can check out that video right here.

All right, our next tip is to pick a starting place. So we know we just talked about the top three things that will make your partner feel loved, but we recommend that you get started with just one thing. So the problem that comes up for so many couples is that they get into a tough spot into their relationship. They want things to be better, and then they try to over call their entire relationship in one fell swoop, like, all at the same time. But that is way too overwhelming, and it's just not gonna be effective. So it's gonna feel really hard to try to transform your entire relationship all at the same time, but it's also just not the way our brains work. You cannot build multiple new habits at the same time. Your brain literally will not do that. So instead, you wanna pick one specific starting place for improvements. Okay, so let's say you ask your partner that question. What are your top three ways of being shown love? And they like receiving compliments, you, doing chores without being asked, and being surprised by a date night. So if you feel the most excited about surprise date nights, start there. Work on building up that habit and doing that more frequently, and then you can move on to some of the other things that they listed too.

So from there, you're gonna need to start developing mental triggers. One of the biggest challenges that you'll face in trying to improve your relationship is simply Remembering to take that action.

And this is surprisingly and kind of embarrassingly challenging, Right?

Honestly, it is.

It can be really hard just to remember something that seems so simple and basic.

Yeah. And that's where these mental triggers come into play. These are essentially ways to cue your brain to remember your new task.

So one way that you can do this is to tie in a new behavior to an existing behavior that you already did do. So, for example, I'm really good at brushing my teeth in the morning. Never skip a morning go, Vanessa. So I could create a cue for myself that as soon as I finish brushing my teeth, something I already do every day, I don't even have to think about it. Then I go to snuggle Xander. So I'm tying this new behavior that I want to do with something that I reliably already do every day.

Another option is to just set reminders for yourself, plain and simple. You know, like, put notifications on your calendar at several points throughout the day to remind you to do these new behaviors with your partner. So, for example, you could literally have your phone ping you to give your partner a hug. I know that sounds silly, but, you know, a reminder that just says, hey, tell them I love you, or buy them flowers every other Friday. You can set these notifications up in under a minute and be set with plenty of reminders to do these new behaviors.

Yeah, again, I know you said it sounds silly, but I think, you know, we talk so much about how cell phones get in the way of our relationships. We're distracted all the time. We're looking at our phones instead of spending time with each other. And this is a way that we can actually use our phones to bring us closer together. So you might feel kind of sheepish initially setting a reminder on your phone, but then when you actually get that reminder and you're like, yeah, let me go do that behavior, you know, it's gonna pay off. It's gonna be totally worth it. Okay. Our next recommendation is to build in strength, structure, and accountability. So even with the very best of intentions, you're gonna have to have some sort of structure in place to help you follow through on taking action. Now, one of my favorite ways to do this is through journaling. So every morning, I write down my goals for the kind of partner that I want to be that day. This really helps me start my day with intention, and I like to pick one specific word to focus on. So sometimes I'll pick the same word every single day for months. Sometimes I'll switch the word up, but Picking just one word helps me figure out how to direct my energy for the day. And then that act of writing out the kind of partner that I want to be, it gives me this little swell of love and pride and it gives me the energy to follow through.

That's really nice.

And writing it out daily too, also keeps my goal top of mind. So it's something much less likely that I'm going to forget it. Now, another option that you can do is have a weekly state of the union type of meeting with your partner. We recommend this in general for all couples, but what you wanna do is to carve out a little bit of time each week to ask each other questions like, what did you appreciate about our relationship this week? How did I make you feel loved this week? And what do you need more of next week? So this conversation can also be an opportunity to celebrate your efforts with each other. You can use this conversation to discuss the positive changes that you're seeing in your relationship, which is just gonna keep you mot excited to keep going.

Our next tip is to just do something now. A lot of people claim that they just don't feel that motivated to make changes to their relationship. If you're not feeling particularly motivated to take action, that's probably because you have motivation all wrong. Most people want to feel motivated before taking action. If we don't feel motivated, then we feel like we just can't do anything.

Yeah, I think a lot of people.

Feel that way, but we don't think that's how motivation actually works. We think that action comes before motivation. Once you take action, you'll feel good for having done so, and then you'll feel inspired to take even more action. Then you feel good from taking that action, and you feel even more motivated to keep going. So we create our own motivation instead of relying on it to strike us. So if you're feeling unmotivated, just do something, rather than waiting around for that motivation to just pop out of nowhere.

I think this is something that comes up for people in so many areas of their lives. We just want to feel this burning, driving passion to go do anything in our lives. And so a lot of times we wait around just waiting for that feeling. And we complain about, oh, I don't feel motivated, I'm just not motivated. And we use that as an excuse to not do anything. But it really is super powerful to just take, take some small step, just do something tiny and you'll feel that little boost of energy that can really help create that motivation rather than you just Waiting for it. All right, our next tip is to learn to love the process. So, look, it is really vulnerable to admit that you're not the best partner to your loved ones or that your relationship isn't on the strongest footing. It's even vulnerable to try to connect more deeply with your partner or try to do something kind for for them. But the process of reaching for a better version of yourself and your relationship can be a really beautiful thing. I am such a get up and go type of person in the morning that even that extra minute of cuddle time felt like it kind of hampered my morning routine. So sometimes I would find myself kind of half heartedly spooning Xander, waiting until the moment that I could get up.

No one wants a half hearted spoon.

No one wants a half hearted spoon. But, you know, I'd feel really crummy about myself for not being more enthusiastic. Like, it's 60 seconds. Why can't I just do this? But what I came to realize is that I may not get the same enjoyment out of that moment of contact that Xander does, because I'm just a different person. I like to give and receive love in different ways, and that's okay. But I can allow myself to appreciate the impact that it has on him. So I tried to slow down. I tried to pay more attention to this goofy smile that he gets, the adoration in his eyes whenever I do cuddle him. And I just let myself feel his appreciation of me, his appreciation of me making that effort with him in the morning. And that makes me feel so good. So good, in fact, that it gave me the motivation to continue doing that. So I don't need to enjoy the cuddling as much as he does. It's okay if it takes a lot of steps to get me to remember to do it, because it's okay if I forget to do it sometimes. But if I can allow myself to enjoy him enjoying it, then that is one simple way that I can try to be a better partner.

So that wraps up our tips for putting relationship advice to good use. If you like this video, give it a thumbs up. Or better yet, comment down below. If this information helped you, we'd love to know how you're going to make a change in your relationship. Make sure to hit the red button to subscribe to our channel as well. And while you're at it, click the notification icon. So you keep getting these videos.

And we have a little gift for you. If you want to continue to improve both your relationship and your sex life, you are definitely going to want to check out our free guide, the simple daily check in that every couple needs to be doing right now. This check in takes just a few minutes, but it can have a massive impact on the well being of your relationship. It's like a mini version of that State of the Union meeting that we were talking about earlier. All right, thanks so much for watching.

See you next time.

Oh, no, that was such a cute one.