In a Sexless Relationship? A Therapist's Advice To Get Out of Your Dry Spell

No, you can't start a video like that.

Dry spells, they happen to the best of us at some point or another.

Now, it can be really scary to get stuck in a dry spell where you can't even remember when was the last time that you had sex. And even worse, you're not sure if you miss it all that much. It can also bring up a lot of questions, like, does being in a dry spell mean that you're not in the right relationship? That the chemistry isn't right between the two of you? That the relationship is doomed? So today, we are breaking down what a dry spell is and how you and your partner can get out of one, no matter what the circumstance.

Have we met? I'm Xander, and this is Vanessa. Vanessa's a sex therapist, and we've been together for 13 years.

And we are all about giving you the tool, tools, techniques and tips that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship. Inside of the bedroom and out. So if that sounds good to you, then go ahead and subscribe to our channel right now.

All right, let's get into it. So what is a dry spell? You might be asking yourself. So, for the sake of this video, we're going to say a dry spell is just a temporary lack of sex in a relationship. And specifically, we want to talk about dry spells with couples. We're not going to be talking about people who are single who just haven't had sex for a while.

It's a different kind of dry spell.

Yeah. So there's no, like, exact dictionary definition of a dry spell. For some couples, it could be two weeks, or it could be months, or it could be even a year.

Who knows?

Yeah, it's just, you know, something different from what you are used to doing or how much sex you typically have had.

So we're actually curious. Leave us a comment down below and let us know. How do you define a dry spell? Like Xander was saying, it's so different couple to couple. So let us know what you think. How long defines a dry spell? Yeah. So next, let's talk about this question. Like, are dry spells normal, or are they something we should be really worried about? So, spoiler alert, let's get right to it. Dry spells are totally normal. Almost every single relationship will experience at least one dry spell at some point in their relationship. And being in a dry spell definitely does not mean that your relationship is failed or that it's doomed or you guys aren't the right fit for each other. A lot of times, dry spells just happen because it's very Easy for sex to fall to the back of our to do list. And we talk a lot about the fact that there's this kind of inertia that comes into play with your sex life. Like the more sex you have, the easier it feels to keep having it. And the longer you go without having sex, the easier it feels to keep not having it.

Yeah, it's easy to get into patterns. And I may initially be a pattern of having a lot of sex or having regular sex. And then it starts, slowly turns to be less and less, and then it just becomes easy to stay in that pattern as well.

Yeah, I mean, nobody plans to have a dry spell. No. Couples are like, oh, it's, you know, so and so date, like dry January. No, please don't do dry January and say, we told you to do that. But yeah, it's just like it's a pattern that develops. It becomes really easy to keep it going. So we want to be super clear. There are ways to get out of a dry spell. We're going to talk about that later in this video.

But.

But oftentimes it's the shame around being in a dry spell that prevents couples from doing any sort of work, like finding their way back to each other, starting to have intimacy again. So we want to gently encourage you to let go of any shame or embarrassment that you might be feeling about being in a dry spell. Cause seriously, that's the first step to getting out of one.

Yeah. All right, so let's talk about why dry spells happen. So just like everything else in life, your sex life, it has an ebb and a flow. It is not a constant stuff. State, as much as we like to think of it that way. Things change. They go up, they go down. That's life. You know, there's going to be some seasons of life where you're just not able to connect with each other as much as you'd like or as much as you did the year before or whatever the case is. So here's a couple of the many dynamics that can lead to a less active sex life. So could be illness, injury, recovering from sexual trauma, mental health struggles, pregnancy and childbirth, relationship issues, high needs, children, loss and grief, financial challenges. So yeah, it can be all kinds of stuff.

I mean, even more stuff like feeling self conscious of your body, side effects from a medication, emotional distance. I think a lot of us really underplay just how important emotional connection and emotional intimacy are to your sex life if you're not feeling connected to your partner. A lot of us, like don't want to be physically intimate with them. It might be stress, a lack of time, anxiety, performance anxiety, or just day to day anxiety, lack of sleep, physical distance. A lot of couples are long distance. So that's a lot of reasons, more than just a couple.

Alright, so now into the important question. How can you get out of the dry spell?

So we have five steps for you. Step one is to figure out what you want. So think about, what do you miss about your sex life? What do you miss about your partner? Partner about intimacy with them? We really think it's important to take a little bit of time for some self reflection to just get a sense of like what you're missing and what you want right now. So you know, our sexual needs change all throughout the course of our lives and our relationships. So where are you at right now? What kind of intimacy do you want to share with your partner?

All right, step two is acknowledge it. So the mistake that so many couples make is doing the opposite is just not acknowledging it. Because, let's be honest, it can be awkward to talk about sex. It can kind of feel like an admission of defeat to say, you know, hey, we haven't been having sex for a long time. But by not acknowledging it, typically this just makes it go on longer and it makes you feel worse. And that's kind of because of the inertia thing that we talked about. You get into a pattern and if you don't talk about it, it's just easier to stay in that pattern and not say anything. So what can you say? You know, you could say something like, hey, I know it's been a while since we've been intimate. I'm really missing you and I want to get back to a place of us feeling more connected.

That's where you use some of what you came up with in step one.

Yeah. And so the important thing here is to focus on emotions, not just the length of the dry spell. And this helps your partner recognize that it really is about connection. It's not about hitting a magic number.

Yeah, a lot of couples will start this by saying like, oh, we haven't had sex in three months. And then all your partner's gonna do when you say that is think about it in their head. And like, no, no, no, it's been two months. We, you know, and then you say, no, it's three months.

And then you're thinking about all the reasons and then, yeah, then you just got into, you know, it's like a legal battle instead of like being on the same team. So if there's anything in particular that you want or need after doing step one about, you know, what you need. Share this with your partner. And, you know, it can really help if it feels like you're working on it to get together. Like I was saying before, if it's the two of you against the dry spell instead of the two of you against each other, you're going to be way more successful and actually build more connection in the process. All right, now, just to be totally upfront and honest with you, having this conversation is probably going to feel awkward the first time when we don't talk about these kind of things. Of course it's going to be awkward. The more we do stuff like this, the less awkward it feels. But speaking of the awkwardness, we actually have a free guide called how to start talking about sex with your partner, even if you never have before. And this is a guide that's just going to walk you through how to have conversations about sex that feel good and natural. So we'll leave the link in the description box down below.

All right, step three is to talk with your partner about what may have contributed to your dry spell. Now, this is a tricky step because you don't want to get into this argument of, like, oh, no, the last time we had sex with this, oh, we're not having sex before because of that. So we don't want you guys to feel like you're pitted against each other.

Especially not like, you did this. I tried that. Yeah, let's avoid that.

But that being said, it can be helpful to talk about some of the dynamics that may have been getting in your way and may be currently in the way of your intimacy. So, like Xander was saying earlier, you want it to feel like you and your partner against the dry spell rather than you guys against each other. If you can take that same sort of perspective and look at, okay, what's been getting in our way, what's created currently in our way, that'll make you feel like a team.

All right, so the fourth step is brainstorm ways that you can prioritize your relationship together. So do you need a babysitter? Do you need to take a long weekend together? Do you need more alone time? Like, think about all those things and try to find ways to make it happen. What do you need to feel more emotionally connected to each other? That might be, like, we need to just schedule some time to hang out on the couch and cuddle while we watch our TV show with no phones, or we need to put the kids to bed 20 minutes earlier to carve out a little bit of extra time so that the time we do spend together, it has a little bit of separation from like the mad dash of putting everyone to bed, for example. Another thing that we like to recommend is to try scheduling sex. We know this can be a controversial topic with a lot of people thinking a lot of different things, but we have a masterclass called Bring youg Sex Life Back to Life, which is all about why you should schedule sex, how it can be really beneficial for your relationship, and exactly how to do it. So we'll leave the link to that in the description box below if you want to check that out. We think you'll really like it.

All right, step five is to take baby steps towards intimacy. So a mistake that a lot of couples make is thinking that the only way to get out of a dry spell is to drop, jump straight back into having intercourse. Especially if you're heterosexual couple. But that can just feel like a really high bar, especially if it's been quite a while since you've had intercourse. So we really encourage couples to think of any sort of physical contact with each other as sex. Like, everything counts. Intercourse isn't the one and only thing that counts. So it may be helpful for the two of you to try to set some sort of reasonable goal that you want to work towards. So maybe it's that we have like a little bit of touch every single day. Maybe it's that we have a makeout session in the morning or at night before we go to bed. So again, it's like emphasizing other activities and not putting all this pressure and focus on intercourse. If you start with something that feels much smaller and more manageable, you'll feel an inertia. Get going from there. Like, it's easier to build up a habit with something that feels smaller and more doable. So start with things that feel manageable to you. One final tip that I want to give is that allow it to be awkward. A lot of couples tell us, like, we want to get back into being intimate with each other, but we're so worried it's going to be awkward. You know what? It is going to be awkward. It's awkward to do anything if you haven't done it for a while. So rather than waiting until some magical time where all of a sudden it's not awkward, just embrace the awkwardness. And that can be a cute conversation between the two of you. Like, oh, we're making out again. It's been a while since we've had a little makeup session. Like this.

Yeah. You know, just think about it this way. It's like, would you rather be really cool and not having sex, or would you rather be a little awkward and get back on the train?

I like it. Yeah, I pick up.

So that wraps up our advice on how to deal with dry spells. Please give this video a like, leave us a comment down below to let us know what you think. And hit that red button to subscribe to our YouTube channel.

You know what this makes me think of is like those weird chain emails that we used to send around.

Oh, yeah.

Hit like on this video or you'll have a dry spell.

Share this with 10 people to avoid a dry spell. I'm in your serious.

Thanks for watching. We promise we haven't cursed you guys.

See you.

And since the last time you had.

Sex or a drink of water. Wow, Maggie is trying to get up.

Should she be in our video?

I mean, she could be.

Maggie, you did such a good job.