Initiation Mistakes We All Make

Hi, I'm Vanessa.

I'm Sandra.

And we are here today to talk to you about the monthly topic that we have been discussing in our email list, which is initiation and the mistakes that we all make around it.

Including us.

Including us.

Mostly us.

So first, we wanted to do a recap of the mistakes that we've already covered in our email list. And there are four of them.

So the first mistake is getting annoyed that you have to initiate. So that's like, I always initiate. Why do I have to be the one? It's not fair. All kinds of stuff like that. The second one is initiating in roundabout or joking ways. And so this is kind of like the example of, like, the boob honking or something, or that being like, so should we do it? That kind of thing.

Maybe we should explain the boob honking for people who have no idea what the boob honking is.

Do you want to explain that?

So that's one of the most common initiation techniques that I hear in heterosexual relationships. And it's when the guy kind of like, sneaks up behind the girl. I'm playing the guy here, apparently, and reaches around her and does a little honk, honk, type of squeezing motion on her boobs. Men seem to love initiating this way, and women really, really hate it.

So pro tip for you guys, don't do it. Yeah. All right, so mistake number three is thinking that you have to be turned on or as turned on as your partner when they initiate. And I think this is a mistake that a lot of us make because we feel like, oh, well, they really want it. I am not wanting it as much as them. Or in this moment, I'm not yet in the mood and thinking, oh, well, then I don't, you know, I need to say no, or it's not the right time, or it's like, I'm wait, the moment needs to be perfect. I need to be feeling it exactly the same. And the reality is that that almost never happens, that you and your partner want the exact same amount at the exact same time. All right? And then number four is initiating in the same way, even though it's not working, over and over. And I think one of the best examples, the very classic example that most of us do, is the initiating sex right before bed, like, right when you get into bed, because you're taught everyone's tired, you've had a long day, you're stressed, you're worried about what time you have to get up the next day. But we keep doing that one because we just keep Seeing that perpetuated in society, in Hollywood and movies and TV.

Shows and books, everyone only has sex right at the end of the night.

Yeah. So oftentimes that doesn't work so well. But we just keep trying and trying and trying, and then it doesn't. It never works out that well.

Yeah. So that brings us to initiation mistake number five, which we are going to talk about in a bit more detail in this video, which is talking yourself out of initiating. So in all the work that I've done with couples, I've found that most of us actually do feel the impulse to initiate with our partner, but we talk ourselves out of taking any sort of action in the moment. So this is definitely one that both of us can relate to. We have both done it a lot. I used to be really uncomfortable with initiation, especially at the beginning of our relationship. It was very uncomfortable. I think I had a lot of ideas in my head about, you know, the guy should be the one to do it and he won't like it if I do it. So I talked myself out of initiating a lot of times and for a lot of different reasons, many of them very silly. So it'd be like, it's too late. I shouldn't initiate. My breath probably smells. He doesn't want to kiss me right now. We should go walk the dogs instead. Even though there was no reason why they needed to be walked in that particular moment. We should finish this TV episode because definitely watching tv.

That's a great idea. Yeah.

Way more important than having sex. I haven't showered. Sometimes that one's a little more of a realistic one, like if it's right after the gym or something like that. But generally it was just an excuse I initiated last time. Can't do it two times in a row. Absolutely.

I haven't heard.

He won't want to be bothered right now.

No.

Yeah. Lots of different things. And then a really good one was. Would be getting so hung up in how to initiate sex that I would just eventually convince myself, don't even bother. I'm just not gonna do it.

Like, oh, I can't even think of, like, what's the right line to say?

Yeah, yeah. How should I approach? Should I do it this way? No, he'd like it better if I did that. And what if I did that? Nevermind. I just won't even bother. So. Been there plenty of times.

Yeah. So some of my reasons are. Yeah. A lot of the things that Vanessa just said. But yeah, here's. Here's a few other examples. So I'd be like, oh, you know, she seems really busy right now. I better not bother her. Or. Oh, we don't have that much time. We're supposed to be at dinner or meet someone or something. Supposed to. Some TV show is going to start or something. The football game is starting or something dumb. I can't possibly be late for that. Let's see, here's a more like real one in our life. What if by the time we start and, like, we've gone upstairs and I've put the dogs to bed, then what if I don't want it as much as I did in that moment that I was thinking about starting?

That's a really good one.

Yeah. Because, you know, you feel like you.

Have to follow through.

I should do something.

If I'm.

Yeah, if I'm gonna start this, I gotta finish it.

Yes.

Male instincts. Yeah. What if I can't get it up?

That's a big one that we've heard a lot of feedback about from men, especially a lot of guys saying, I mean, it's the same sort of if I've started, I gotta finish it kind of thing.

Yeah. And especially if you have just recently experienced a sort of performance anxiety incident, that one is often very much at the forefront of your mind.

Yeah.

And let's see. Yeah. What if I can't really tell if she's in a good mood or I can't get a good read on what she's feeling or thinking. But, you know, it's not your job to be able to read the mind of your partner. Nor is it possible, even after 10, 20, 30, 40 years, as much as we might think we can.

Yeah. And even if your partner sometimes is in a bad mood, sometimes sex can actually be a thing that perks them up a bit.

Who knows? Or, yeah, I'm supposed to cook dinner or some other chore, or I haven't made the bed. That's not going to be very inviting.

The bed's a big one.

That is not made right now in this very moment.

So you better not initiate a video.

Good thing we're recording a video.

Okay. So the goal here is to get ourselves to follow through on those impulses instead of allowing ourselves to talk ourselves out of them. Because as we clearly just demonstrated, most of the time, the reasons that we're using for talking ourselves out of it are just really not great reasons. So we have a ton of action items for you if you know that you are guilty of this very common initiation response.

Probably most of us are.

Yes. First thing in general is just you want to try to take action as quickly as possible. If you feel even the slightest little impulse to have some sort of connection with your partner, go do something as quickly as you can right in that moment before your brain even has a chance to turn on and start thinking through all these thoughts. So that's the general idea. It's definitely not going to be possible all the time. So we have some other ideas for if your brain is already starting to kick in.

Yeah. So one thing you can do is remind yourself that the thing that you're afraid of hasn't always been an issue. Like, I can practically guarantee you that the thing your brain is worrying about hasn't always stopped you 100% of the time. Like, there probably was some time that you managed to squeeze it in really quick before some event. No double entendre was meant there. Or, you know, like, oh, you know, that one time we got really hot and heavy and the bed wasn't made, and that didn't stop us.

Sure didn't. Yeah. A lot of times we end up in the moment just being able to roll with the punches a lot more than we think we can when we're initiating.

Yeah. And then like, especially with, like, performance anxiety issues, you know, you think about the most recent time. Oh, man, that last time, like, I had that issue or I couldn't get it up or whatever. And you're not thinking about, okay, like the hundred other times before that I didn't have that problem. Or, you know, the 50, whatever. Like, yeah, you know, think about more than just the last time something happened. Yeah.

Another great tip is to remind yourself that what you're looking for in that moment is to experience some sort of connection with your partner. So it's really easy for us to brush off sex as, you know. Oh, it's just. It's just sex. It's just like a, you know, pure pleasure type of thing. But oftentimes we're also just looking to experience some sort of connection with our partner, too. We want to feel close to them, we want to feel intimate with them. We want to feel playful and joyful and alive with them. And so if you can talk to yourself about it in those sorts of terms, you may find that it's harder to brush off than just like, oh, I'm horny and I want to grab my partner right now.

Yeah. Yeah. So then another thing you can do is just try to name what you're doing. Like, tell yourself, okay, I'm doing that thing where I talk myself out of it. I'm going to try not to do that. I think oftentimes if we just recognize the thought or the emotion or the thing that's happening sort of in our brain, it's much easier to set it aside or to decide to act differently.

Yeah. Just sort of naming your own patterns. You can also do this with your partner so you can tell them ahead of time. Like, I want to get better at initiating. I know that I tend to talk myself out of it a lot, so I'm going to try to tell you and, you know, tell you when I'm doing that. You can even come up with some sort of code word or phrase that you can use to sort of let your partner know. So you could say something like, okay, I'm doing that talking myself out of it thing. So you're not even saying, I want to have sex with you.

Yeah.

But it's giving your partner, like, oh, yeah, they're trying to initiate with me, and also trying to talk themselves out of it.

Or you could even be a little more, like, explicit about it, and that might be a way to sort of enlist your partner's help. Like. Like, hey, I was just thinking about you and us and having sex. And then I started worrying that maybe you were really busy. Like, are you. Are you really busy? Yeah.

It's like checking your story that you have in your head.

Check in. And then your partner, like, oh, my God, you want to have sex with me? Yeah, let's do it.

Yeah. So if that feels a little forward for you right now, it's something to build up to. But maybe it could be something like, I'm thinking some. Having some sexy thoughts that are popping into my mind right now. Something like that.

And so then finally, if you're really shy, just try to initiate some sort of contact, like a hug, a kiss, a compliment. Tell your partner how good they look, that they're looking sexy. Do something to get the ball rolling, because, you know, that's just a way to kind of get your partner in the same mind state as you, to kind of show them that you're thinking about them. It's always better to do something than just kind of pretend that you weren't feeling that way and set it aside.

Yeah, it's definitely a great tip for you. If you're really shy about initiation, you haven't really done it that much in your relationship. Sometimes we can really psych ourselves out because we think, oh, if I'm going to initiate, I have to grab my partner and drag them into the bedroom and have this wild and crazy sex. But it doesn't need to be that. You could initiate just some sort of physical contact, some sort of touch or kiss or. And that might feel a lot easier for you. Okay. So since we know from personal experience how challenging initiation can be, we're really excited to share some surprises with you.

Yeah. Because even our best tips aren't always quite enough to get you over the hump.

So we have a really popular masterclass that we've created called how to initiate sex. So your partner will want to say yes and consider your partner's initiations even when you feel like a no. And it is now for sale only until Monday the 2nd.

Wow.

So you seem very surprised. So previously we had only offered this as a bonus with our courses, but we got such great feedback about the masterclass and we got tons of people who really, really wanted to buy it just on its own. So we decided to make this available just for this very short period of time during this crazy time of year between Black Friday and Cyber Monday.

Get it while you can.

Yeah. So there are two options for getting it.

Yeah. So the first option is you purchase the masterclass and then you're going to get one incredible bonus absolutely free.

Yeah, we decided to do something fun.

Yeah. So we've got two options. Yeah. So two options for you. The first option is how to create rock solid relationship habits with just a few minutes a day. And the Second one is 16 science backed techniques for loving your body. And what are these? Are these like master classes?

Yes, these are both master classes. They were also previously only available as bonuses. So we decided to do something fun. Throw in an extra bonus if you purchase the initiation masterclass and you get to choose your own adventure. So you get to choose which one of those two you would like. So that's option one. And option two is if you sign up for a few of our courses, you will actually get all three of those bonuses for free with your course. So that's the initiation masterclass, the rock solid relationship habits and the science backed techniques for learning how to love your body. So the courses that this is available for are Finishing school learn how to orgasm. This is our orgasm class for women who have never had an orgasm before. And it includes you orgasming on your own and with a partner. We also have Finishing school orgasm with a partner, which is for women who already have orgasms on their own and are looking for how to get there with a partner or with the Passion project, which is for couples who want to overcome mismatched sex drives and create a sex life worth craving. And with the Modern Man's Guide to Conquering Performance Pressure. Name is pretty self explanatory on that one. So you can head over to vmtherapy.com, check out our courses if you want to buy one of those. Again, you get all three of those bonuses available for free. But only catch is this is only available until Cyber Monday, Monday, December 2nd. At that point, all of these bonuses are just going back to our vault. They'll only be available on certain courses and certain, like, big launches and stuff like that. So if you want to get more skills in initiation and stop making these mistakes and learn many, many other techniques that we haven't covered this month, this is such a fun option for you. So we hope that you will do this special Black Friday Cyber Monday. Surprise.

The time is now.

The time is now. Seriously, this is such a good skill to learn, but it's a skill that so few couples have and it's really, really important.

Yeah, just like sex. Don't talk yourself out of it.

That is a perfect way to end this video. All right, we'll see you later. Bye.

Bye.