Sex therapist Vanessa Marin and partner Xander Marin talk through what vanilla sex actually is and why it doesn't deserve the bad reputation it gets. They explain the real benefits of straightforward sex and offer resources for couples who want to stay put or explore something different.
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We can't start a video like that. Vanilla sex is often thought of as something that's really like, bad or undesirable. But today we want to tackle the question, like, is it really that bad? So if you've somehow never heard of the term vanilla sex before, it's meant to describe pretty, like, straightforward, to the point sex. So when I think about, like a stereotypical heterosexual interaction, if I think about vanilla sex, thinking like a couple seconds of making out, you guys pulling your own clothes off, maybe a couple of seconds to a few minutes of missionary style sex and then popping up right afterwards to get cleaned up, like pretty, no frills, straight to the point kind of sex. So we want to hear from you before we even get into this any further. Have you ever worried about your sex life being too vanilla? So leave us a why or yes or a comment down below if you've ever had this concern. So today in our vanilla outfit, we are going to be talking about what vanilla sex really says about you and your relationship and also some ideas for trying new things if you are looking to experiment outside of the flavor of vanilla.
All right, if you're brand new to our channel though, we want to say hi. We are Vanessa and Xander Marin. Vanessa here is a sex therapist and we've been together for 13 years.
And our account is all about giving you the tools, techniques and tips that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship inside of the bedroom and out. So go ahead and hit that subscribe button if that is something that sounds interesting to you.
All right, so the truth is there are a million different ways that different people interpret the term vanilla sax. I know Vanessa just kind of talked about what she thinks it means, but, you know, different people have different interpretations. Is it just missionary? Is it. Is it no frills sex? Is it like super quiet sex? Is vanilla ice cream somehow involved? Because that sounds good. So the reality is vanilla sex isn't really a very helpful phrase because there's no clear definition, there's no agreed upon, like, oh, when you do this position or that position, it's vanilla. And other positions are not vanilla.
So here's our main takeaway. This probably won't surprise you, but we think that any kind of sex that feels good for you, that feels good for your partner, that is good sex. Sex.
Yeah.
It doesn't matter if it's vanilla. It doesn't matter if it's kinky, it doesn't matter if you do the same thing over and over again. We're always trying some chocolate or mint Neapolitan. The bottom line is, like, whatever feels good to you guys. That is great. And I think it's just. It's very unhelpful for us to have this idea of vanilla sex, because I think it makes people feel really ashamed for liking the things that they like. And the reality is, you know, some certain things are, like, the basics or the things that we. You know, the stereotypical things that think of as sex, because those are the things that can feel really enjoyable.
Yeah. There's a reason why missionary is popular.
The other thing about vanilla sex is that I think a lot of times it immediately calls to mind heterosexual sex. Just like I was saying in the intro. And the reality is, not everybody's having heterosexual sex either. And I can even speak from a little bit of experience. Like, as a sex therapist, I think a lot of people make this assumption that Xander and I have this really wild, kinky, elaborate sex life. And there's nothing wrong with that at all. But I've definitely felt, like, some shame around, like, oh, my gosh, are we too vanilla? Do we need to be doing more wild and creative things? So, bottom line, like, it's just not really a very helpful way to think about your sex life.
And the other thing about vanilla sex is that it also has some benefits. It can feel safe, it can feel comfortable, and it can feel familiar. And those are all things that can be a huge positive during sex.
Yeah. Especially somebody who's experienced sex being unsafe or somebody who's maybe at the beginning of their journey of sexual experience. Like, it's okay to stick with things that feel safe and comfortable and familiar. And sometimes, like, allowing yourself to experiment with those things, that gives you the curiosity and the creativity and that sense of safety to, like, explore other things, too.
Yeah.
So that foundation can be really important. So, that being said, we do have to address the other aspect of this, which is that there are a lot of people who are genuinely unsatisfied with having vanilla sex for them. Again, even though there's no universal definition of vanilla. But there might be a lot of people who feel like, gosh, we do the same thing every single time. It's really predictable. I don't particularly enjoy the activities that we're doing. So if you're not enjoying the sex that you're having, of course that's a different matter. So we want to talk about some ideas for ways to experiment outside of the basics and shake things up a little bit. So we have a bunch of resources for you. One is trying new Sex positions. And we actually have a sex positions playbook that breaks down 42 different positions, exactly how to do them, how to move in them. Especially if you've ever felt kind of nervous or shy about trying new sex positions, this lays it all out there for you. Another way that you can experiment is with exploring new techniques for pleasuring each other. So we also have our foreplay guides, which go step by step into using your hands and your mouths on each other. You can also learn how to orgasm. So there are a lot of people out there, women in particular, who are having vanilla sex and not experiencing very much pleasure and certainly not orgasming. And we've done other videos about how intercourse is actually not the most pleasurable activity for most women. So if you're interested in learning how to orgasm and make sex feel so much more pleasurable and craveable. And we also have finishing school.
And finally, you can experiment with a little bit of kink if you're wanting to push yourself out of your comfort zone just a little bit. So there's a lot of different levels of kink, but starting out slow, you can just play around with using some naughty kind of words during sex.
Yeah. I think a lot of people hear the word kink and you think it has to be super elaborate and over the top. But there are a lot of ways to, like, ease into it.
Oh, yeah.
Another one is like using a blindfold during sex.
Yeah. You can also play around with a little bit of spanking or hair pulling. Ooh.
Or you can use some restraints in the bedroom, too.
Yeah, good idea.
All right, so that wraps up our video about vanilla sex. Remember that there is nothing shameful about vanilla sex. The important thing is that you and your partner are doing it together. You're both enjoying it and having a good time. And if you're interested in explaining exploring some of the guides and resources that we mentioned for bringing some more spice into the bedroom, then we will put all the links to those in the description box below.
Thank you so much for getting to the end of this video. If you liked it, you can give it a like. You can also hit the red button to subscribe to our YouTube channel and hit the notification icon so you keep getting notified as soon as we post more videos.
