Vanessa and Xander Marin say reading spicy romance novels in a relationship is fine and can boost arousal and give you ideas to try together. They warn that books often show unrealistic sex, like women having multiple orgasms from penetration alone, so don't expect real life to match the page.
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We can't start a video. Spicy books are having a moment right now. The Court of Thorn and Roses series is super popular. There are so many recommendations on booktok, and it's really brought up this big conversation that a lot of people are having lately. Is it okay to read smutty, spicy, sexy romance books when you're in a relationship? And, like, also, can guys be into romance novels, too? So we are giving you our thoughts in today's video. First, we want to hear from you. Do you like reading spicy books?
Yeah.
Leave us a little fire or a little chili pepper emoji down in the comments. Or give us your recommendation for your favorite sexy book.
All right, if you're brand new to our channel, first we just want to say, hi, this is Vanessa. I'm Xander Marin. Vanessa here is a sex therapist, and we've been together for 14, 14 years. Also, these cute little faces to the sides of us, if they pop up, are cute little pugs, Maggie and Winston.
And we are here to give you the tools, tips, and techniques to create a truly extraordinary relationship inside and outside of the bedroom. So if you're interested in that, then go ahead and hit that subscribe button. Okay, so I have to confess. We got the idea to make this video because I started reading a Court of Thorns and Roses series. I didn't think that I would be into something like this, but I had a friend who was just recommending that I read it over and over. I finally caved. I read it. Did not think I was gonna like it, but I loved it. And so I started sharing on our Instagram account that I was reading it, and we started getting so many messages from people asking like, hey, do you think this is okay to read this kind of stuff when you're in a relationship?
All right, so our take is that, yes, it is totally okay, and it can even benefit your relationship. So, look, like, there's nothing wrong with reading a sex scene. Just like there's nothing wrong with watching one on TV or in a movie. Like, at the end of the day, it's just stimuli in your brain, right? Like, it doesn't mean anything. You're not, like, cheating on your partner just because you read something or just because you saw something. Like, we see these things in our everyday life on TV or reading, whatever. You never know when a sex scene might pop up.
Okay, so there's one thing I will say, a little bit of nuance here is that it can be easy to get lost in the fantasy world of a book, and in particular, to like, find yourself wishing that your partner was more like a character in the book. I think sometimes we have to remind ourselves, like, books are meant to be entertainment just the way that movies and TV shows are meant to be entertainment. Even porn, like, it's not realistic. This isn't what relationships or what sex really look like in real life. And I think particularly with the spicy, smutty books, like, these books are really written for women and often by women. I saw a great meme that was talking about, like, women can really write the perfect man for women, right? Like, we have these ideas of exactly what we want. So we can read these stories by female authors and be so intrigued by, like, oh yeah, that's exactly the kind of man that I want. So want to name that little thing too. But there can be a lot of benefits to reading spicy books. So one is that they can get you very fired up. We've definitely talked to lots of women who felt like I had lost my contact with my sex drive. I was feeling no desire, very low desire. And then I started reading these books and it felt like I got brought back to life. So I mean, what great benefit, right? Like feeling reconnected to your sex drive. You can also bring that energy that you get from reading these books into your relationship, into your sex life with your partner. It could also be really fun to share scenes with your partner, maybe even read them out loud to each other. Also, you might learn new things that you like. You might read something in a scene that makes you little curious. You want to try it out. So it's a great way to get some new ideas. I want to give one more little caveat here, though. Like I was saying earlier, you know, these books are meant to be entertainment. They're not the most realistic. And sex scenes in books often are just not very realistic. So I have only read the Court of Thorn and Roses series. That's been my first foray into spicy books. I might read some other ones. And I thought, like, as a sex therapist, my thought were was that these scenes were mostly good, but I did have some issues. So there was a lot of female orgasm from penetration alone, which, if you've seen other videos that we've done, is not realistic for the vast majority of women. There were a lot of times where characters were having multiple orgasms effortlessly, which is so quick and easy. One big pet peeve that I had is that the author never used the word clothes or clitoris. Like she had so many funny things, funny ways of referring to it. Like a bundle of nerves and the apex of her thighs. It was obvious that she was talking about the clitoris, the little hot button, but she wouldn't actually say that word. And that bothered me. So I have heard that A Court of Thorn and Roses is really good, like, in terms of accuracy compared to other novels. So that gave me a little bit of pause, thinking, like, okay, if this is the best. And I as a sex therapist have some issues with this. I'm a little bit worried about the other sex scenes. So bottom line is, I think it's just important for us to remind ourselves that these books are meant to be entertainment, not education.
All right, one more thing. Romance novels are not just for women. So some reports show that men actually may make up 18% of romance fiction readers. If you're a guy or a person of any gender who's into romance novels, that's awesome. And hey, let us know down in the comments below if you are.
All right, so that wraps up our video on spicy books.
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