Is Phubbing RUINING Your Relationship? Bad Phone Habits!

Did you fub your partner last night?

Excuse me?

I did. And I fub pretty regularly, too.

Really? Yes.

I have done it to you over breakfast while we're out on a date, sitting in a car, and even in bed.

Have you fubbed anyone else?

I have, actually. So what the hell is phubbing? No, it is not some kinky new sex act, and it is not cheating on you when you ignore your partner and pay attention to your phone. Instead, it's a combination of the words phone and snub.

Bub. Makes sense.

And we all do it pretty frequently, usually on a daily basis.

Yep. So, hey, we're Xander and Vanessa Marin, and we're married. We've been together and phubbing since 2007.

Fubbers. Since 2007. It's way beyond that, actually.

Oh, yeah. So our mission here is to equip you with the tools you need to create an extraordinary relationship inside the bedroom and out.

In this video, we are going to get into why fubbing is so harmful to your relationship. Plus, five steps that you can take to prioritize your partner over your phone going forward. Yes. Even if you are totally addicted to your phone.

Did you know that the average American checks their phone every six minutes? That's about 150 times a day.

And you checked my math on that one, didn't you?

I did. I thought that that might be every 24 hours, but it's not. It's only the time that you're awake. So with that level of frequency, it's basically impossible to not end up cutting off your partner or ignoring them at least a few times in a given day. It's so shockingly easy to fub, and most of us do it so frequently, we don't even realize that we're doing it anymore. That's kind of the issue. We're trained to whip out our phones when we hear those notification dings. We're always refreshing. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok. We've gotten in the habit of always having something to read or look at. Whether we're in bed, we're on the train, on the toilet.

Yeah, you all do it.

Even walking between one room and another. And I am so guilty of that.

So we're sure that you recognize that you are a fubber, too. But fubbing is one of those things that's just really easy to brush off, probably because it's so common.

So.

So you might be thinking to yourself, like, yeah, yeah, I know, I know. But most of us kind of laugh it off, and we don't actually take it very seriously. And that is a huge mistake, especially when it comes to our romantic relationships. So think about the last time that your partner fubbed you. So picture yourself back there in that very moment. So you're looking at your partner, you're trying to talk to them, and their eyes are glued to their screen. They're not listening to you, they're not looking at you, they're not present with you. It didn't feel very good, did it? Fubbing never feels very good when you're on the receiving end of it. So if we know how bad it feels to be phubbed, why do we keep phubbing? It's because we are really good at convincing ourselves that our behavior isn't that bad. We can find ways to justify every little incident. Oh, I just wanted to check something really quick. Oh, yeah, Or I was looking at this before you started talking to me all the time. Or I just need a little time to unwind before bed. We all have an excuse for why we've done it.

Yeah. So, like we have insinuated, both of us are totally guilty of this as well. We're small business owners. We can very easily convince ourselves that something that we're doing, it's crucial to work, like looking at emails the second they come in or slack messages. But the reality is, I've never had a work email that actually needed to be checked in that moment.

It's never that important.

There's no good reason why I couldn't have waited a few minutes or maybe even an hour or two or just until after our conversation or like the date that we were on to check that email. So, yeah, we're good at justifying that bad behavior and convincing ourselves that it's not that bad. But the reality is, our phones are hurting our relationships a lot more than we realize.

The crazy thing is that after sex, money, and kids, phones are the fourth most common reason why couples fight. So not only does fubbing not feel good in the moment, you probably end up getting into fights about it pretty frequently. But it also starts to build resentment. In between partners, you really start feeling like you're not as important to your partner as this chunk of metal and plastic. And it really hurts. So let's all stop justifying our bad behavior and start getting serious about fat. So here are five tips for prioritizing your partner over your phone.

All right, tip number one. Set yourself up for success by minimizing notifications. We're also trained to respond to those little dings like I was just saying that if you really want to prevent yourself from phubbing your partner, you just need to be proactive about minimizing those distractions. So the best way to do that is just turn off the sounds on your phone whenever you're interacting with your partner. Or, like, if you have an iPhone, flip the little vibrate thing on. That's like, a one good first step. Flip your phone over so you don't see it light up when email or a message comes in. Or better yet, just leave your phone in another room if you're having a serious, important, romantic conversation you're having.

You could even extend this tip and kind of set up, like, hours where you keep your phone on silent or on airplane mode.

Most phones have the ability, too, to, like, set hours that they just go silent, too. That's. A lot of people don't realize that, but you can usually just set that up on your phone.

Yeah. So if that's a certain time every single day that you're doing or you're just doing it on date night so you know you won't get interrupted, It'll just let you be totally present with your partner.

All right, so tip number two is don't take your phone out until the conversation is finished. And this one is inspired by our own experience. There's been a ton of times where, like, I was in the middle of a conversation with Vanessa, and. And she pulled out her phone, and then I get really frustrated because I wasn't finished talking, and that can lead to bites.

So nobody likes to feel like they aren't being listened to, particularly if what you were trying to say feels really important or vulnerable. So I know that's definitely happened to us sometimes. So really try your hardest not to whip your phone out mid conversation. Practice just a tiny bit of patience, and wait until your conversation is done. So sometimes what happens is that we actually don't realize if our partner is done with what they were saying or not. So if you're not sure, just check with your partner so you could actually ask them, hey, is there anything else you need to talk about? Or are you finished talking? That way you're just super clear that you're not interrupting them.

Yeah. And what I found personally is I'm, like, so conditioned to check my phone when a notification comes in. Like, if we're talking in the moment, I'm like, oh, I gotta respond to so and so, because I was gonna tell them this or that, and if I found if I just have a little restraint or I put it off, and we finish our conversation, like, five minutes later. It doesn't feel that important to respond. I'll, like, forget about that message that seems so important for another few hours and, like, no harm has been done.

And actually, sometimes it can do some good because sometimes we see a message come through and we have a response in that moment. But if we'd given ourselves a couple minutes to cool off or process it, we would have responded differently. Oh, yeah, taking this pause actually can even help.

Yeah, definitely. Think about. Think about what it is that you really want to say. All right, so tip number three, if you want to use your phone to show your partner something, wait until they've stopped talking. This one completely goes hand in hand with the last one. We suggest this a lot of the times because we use our phone to contribute to the conversation, or that's what we're thinking in our head.

Yeah, so, like, just the other day, Xander was talking about this podcast that he wanted to listen to, and he was describing the low of the podcast. He couldn't remember the name of it. So I thought that I recognized the podcast. So I whipped out my phone to show him the logo. But what he saw was me taking my phone out mid conversation, and it got him a little bit annoyed.

It was like, oh, she doesn't really care. She's not paying attention to me. But all right, so the reality is phones aren't entirely evil. Like, what we're saying is, like, we're not saying get rid of your phones, put them on silent all the time. The reality is they actually contribute to your conversation in a positive way a lot of the time. But the key is just to be super clear with your partner about why it is that you're pulling out your phone. So wait until they're done talking. Once they're quiet, tell your partner, I want to show you something on my phone, or I want to look something up that's related to what you were saying as you take out your phone. So it's super clear, like, oh, I'm listening to you. I'm, like, trying to add to the conversation, or I'm trying to do this thing that's going to help. That might sound silly at first, but it really helps your partner understand that you're trying to add something rather than take away from it.

Absolutely. That brings us to tip number four, which is to set your partner up for success. So just like we talked to you about setting yourself up for success by minimizing notifications or distractions, you can also set your partner up for success.

Oh, and how do we do that? So, yeah, let's say your partner is looking at their phone, but you want to talk to them. If you just start talking, your partner's probably going to keep looking at their phone and you're probably going to get annoyed with them for not paying attention to you. But the reality is that your partner was probably looking at their phone first and it's pretty hard to tear yourself away from whatever it was you were looking at in that moment.

So we are very guilty of this.

Oh, yeah, definitely.

We might have done this right before we started recording this video.

Definitely. Yeah. So instead, set your partner up for success by trying to get their attention first. So say something like, hey, can I have your attention for a second? Or can I tell you or ask you something? And don't start talking until they actually look up at you and respond.

Yeah. So you don't want to say, can I get your attention? And they're like, yeah, uh huh.

Go ahead. Can I get your attention? There's something really important. I want to talk to you. Why aren't you looking at me?

Give them a little bit of a quick moment to wrap up whatever they were doing and give.

So the idea here is that you're asking for what you need from your partner and it's really that simple. And ask them to do the same when they talk to you. Yeah.

That way it feels reciprocal. You're both doing it. All right. And tip number five is to make sure to have phone free quality time. And no sitting on the couch watching TV while you're both on your phones does not count as quality time, in.

Case you were wondering.

This is a sad reality though. Most couples don't spend a ton of quality time together without their phones. I mean, I think for most couples, watching TV together while you're on your phones is the quality time that you.

Get half watching tv. Yeah.

I mean, really, like ask yourself, can you think about the last time you and your partner had real quality time together? So you want to make sure to carve out time to do things like cook a meal together, do a crossword puzzle, have a picnic in your backyard, even just have a face to face conversation. Just make sure you get in some quality time that doesn't revolve around you being on your phones all the time time.

I might even extend that one to say, make sure to have screen free quality time. Like your computer, the iPad. Yeah, don't be like, oh yeah, I put the phone away, but I'll just.

Grab the iPad yeah, because it's just.

It'S really important to connect with your partner on a regular basis like Face to Face. So that wraps up our five tips for prioritizing your partner over your phone. So if you like this video, please give it a like better yet, comment down below. Let us know which tip you want to put into practice or where you struggle. And please also subscribe to our channel for more free resources. All of those things really help us get more people like you to see these videos and get this advice.

And we also have a little gift for you. So if you're excited about improving communication in your relationship, you are definitely going to want to download our free guide, the Simple Daily Check in that Every Couple Needs to be Doing right now. So we created this guide specifically for couples who are spending more time together than ever before due to this global pandemic. So click the link in the description box to download.

See you next time. Bye bye.