Vanessa Marin and Xander Marin argue that expecting one perfect partner is unrealistic and harmful. They trace the myth to Hollywood and fairy tales, then offer Dan Savage's approach: aim for a 0.68 to 0.87 fit and intentionally build a healthy relationship instead of waiting for perfection.
Chapters
We hear people talk about the One all the time. Right. Like, I'm looking for the One. I found the One.
Are you the One?
But is there really just one person out there that you are the perfect match for? So in this video, we are going to be talking about whether or not we think the One exists. The is answer. The impact that thinking that there is just one person out there for you can actually have on you, and what to do if you never find that one special person. But before we get into all of that, we want to hear from you, like, have you ever felt pressure to find the One? So let us know down in the comments. You can just leave us a Y or an N or just tell us a little bit about your story with the One.
And we also want to say if you're brand new here. Hello. We are Vanessa and Xander Marin. Vanessa here is a sex therapist. I'm a regular dude. We've been together for 14 years. And the cute faces behind us or in front of us are our pugs, Maggie and Winston here.
And our account is all about giving you the tools, tips and techniques that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship. So if you're interested in that or you just want to see more of these cute pug faces, then go ahead and hit that subscribe button.
All right, so we're going to start this out by just going ahead and telling you we think the idea of the One is. Is bs.
Probably not going to surprise you.
Yeah. So, you know, we think that finding one specific person out of 7.8 billion people on Earth is highly, highly, highly unlikely. Verging on impossible.
Yeah. I mean, just from the pure logistics of it alone, it's just not a very realistic scenario. Right. But taking it a little bit of a step further, like, we truly believe that there are any number of people out there that you could form a truly extraordinary relationship with. Like, we're very in love with each other.
Yeah.
We're very happy that we're together, but I don't think that Xander's the one person in the entire world that I could have a healthy relationship with.
Ouch.
Sorry. I think in reality, again, if we want to talk about, like, the logistics and the numbers, there are hundreds, thousands, possibly even millions of people that I could have, like, a healthy and happy relationship with. And same with you.
But where do we even get this idea of the One from? So there's a couple places. Hollywood and fairy tales perpetuate this idea. We see it in romantic comedies all the time, Fairy tales, you know, Princes and princesses. We've also heard from a number of people in our community that they felt pressure from their religion to find the one. You know, that there is a specific soulmate that's been preordained or chosen for them.
Okay. So I think a lot of people might rationally understand, like, all right, I'm not going to be able to meet one person out of billions and billions of people. But a lot of us just have this idea subconsciously in our heads that we're really looking for the one. And so we want to talk a little bit about some of the damage that that can caus. So the main thing that comes up is that there's this immense pressure to find this one person that's your perfect match. Right. And that can cause a lot of people to pass up on, you know, partnerships or relationships that are, like, good or even great because it doesn't feel like they're not the one. You know, it creates this really impossibly high standard for us.
It's like they're ticking 99 out of a hundred boxes.
Yeah. So again, even if you don't think there's just that one person, that subconscious pressure of feeling like you want to find the one, this perfect match for you creates a lot of pressure and may end potentially great relationships. It can also create pressure on you to be this perfect partner to somebody else where you don't want to let them see any of your flaws or, you know, just see the wholeness of who you are as a human because you want to be that perfect one person to another one.
So the bottom line here is that no couple is truly a perfect match for, you know, for each other because they. The reality is you just. You cannot be 100% sexually compatible. There's no such thing. We each have our own wants and desires, and they kind of go in cycles, and we're never fully aligned. Also, it's not possible to be a hundred percent emotionally compatible. We all feel different things in different ways. The way that we work subconsciously and psychologically is a bit different, and it's never going to match up again. A hundred percent.
Yeah. And we can normalize this by saying we have aspects of our relationship where it feels like we are not a good fit for each other in this realm. Right. So, all right, if we can't find the one, like, what can we do? Like we were sort of saying earlier, we do believe that you can intentionally create a successful, healthy, happy relationship with a lot of different people. So we want to be clear, like we're not telling you to settle. Just find any old random person and try to create a great relationship with them. Like, they're definitely. We all have deal breakers, and that is perfectly okay. But it is good to, like, open your heart a little bit more and recognize that there's not going to be that one perfect match. So there's this advice columnist, Dan Savage, who has a great way of putting this that we really like. He says, you know, look for your 0.68 or your 0.73 or your 0.87 that you round up to the 1. So it's this idea that, like, look for somebody that's a good match for you, feels good for you, but maybe you're having to fudge the numbers a little bit and round them up to the one. All right, well, that wraps up our video about whether or not the One exists. If you are looking to create that healthy and happy relationship, then definitely make sure to follow along. Along with our account here, we share a lot of great relationship tips and we're also over on Instagram. We're super active there at Vanessa Marin Therapy, we share daily tips techniques. So come follow us over there if you're not already.
And if you like this video, please give it a like. You can also follow us, subscribe to our YouTube channel and hit the notification icon so you keep getting notified as soon as we post more videos.
