Vanessa Marin, a psychotherapist, shares lessons from teaching women about orgasm. 10-15% of women have never orgasmed, often due to childhood shame around masturbation and pressure to prioritize partners over their own pleasure. Orgasms aren't the only goal; learning to explore your body and ask for what you need matters more.
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What comes to mind when you hear the word orgasm? Does it make you feel uncomfortable or ashamed? Do you know how female orgasm works? Or does the whole process feel baffling to you? Are you still waiting to have your first orgasm? Or do you struggle to orgasm consistently on your own or with your partner? Hey there. I'm Vanessa Marin. I'm a licensed psychotherapist and I've spent the last 15 years specializing in sex and relationship therapy. I've served as a featured expert for magazines and websites like the New York Times, Ozone, the Oprah Magazine, Real simple, and many more. And I'm also the creator of Finishing School, an online course that has taught thousands of women how to have their first orgasms ever and how to orgasm consistently with a partner, too. I have also had my own struggles with orgasm, so I know just how frustrating it can be. In this video, I'm going to reveal six surprising lessons I've learned as a sex therapist teaching Women how to Orgasm if you want to learn how to orgasm once and for all, all of the lessons in this video are going to be pretty eye opening for you on your orgasmic journey. But even if you already know how to orgasm, these lessons may surprise you. Surprising Orgasm Lesson Number one so many women do not know how to orgasm on their own or with their partners. Now, we don't have great research on anything female orgasm related, but most researchers agree that about 10 to 15% of women have never had an orgas. There are also tons of women who can orgasm on their own but aren't able to get there with a partner. So 10 to 15% is a lot of women, right? But every woman that I've ever worked with has felt like she must be the only woman in the world who can't have reliable orgasms. I know when I was struggling with my own orgasm, I thought that exact same thing. Now why don't we realize how big of an issue this really is? It's because women feel enormous pressure to orgasm, so they end up faking it or they just never talk about their struggles. I'd even go so far as to say that there are more faked orgasms than there are real ones. When I was struggling with my orgasm, I definitely contributed a lot of faked orgasms to that. But a lot of women also feel like they can't talk to even their closest girlfriends about their orgasmic challenges, which contributes to us feeling super alone in our struggles and this idea that there aren't that many women out there who are struggling with orgasm. Now, by the way, if you are ready to stop faking orgasms and start having real ones, make sure to check out my in depth video, the Ultimate Guide to Female Orgasm, which I will pop right up here. Surprising Orgasm Lesson Number two More Media Coverage Makes Women Feel Worse now, if you've had access to the Internet over the last few years, you've undoubtedly seen female orgasm getting talked about a lot more frequently. Now, it's great to see female orgasm getting the attention that it deserves, but one really surprising bit of feedback that I've gotten from my clients is that the more they see orgasms covered in the media, the worse they actually feel. Now, the problem is that almost none of these articles that you'll see online even acknowledge that so many women have a hard time orgasming. But even more importantly than that, they never give genuinely helpful tips for learning how to orgasm. It's always the same thing over and over again. Just relax, don't think about it. Just let it happen. So without solid instructions, without any actual useful information, having all these articles out there just makes women feel like orgasm is something that they should have already figured out on their own. If it's as simple as just relaxing, it makes you feel really guilty that you haven't been able to get there yet. Surprising Orgasm Lesson number three Our orgasmic challenges began during childhood. Okay, so we have got to talk about something uncomfortable. Childhood masturbation. Yep, I said it. So here's the thing. As children, we all get the message that masturbation is wrong and bad. But there's so much more of a boys will be boys type of attitude around male masturbation, especially around puberty. It's just seen as so much more acceptable for boys to masturbate. So the overwhelming majority of boys spend years getting themselves off before they become sexually active. They get this opportunity to explore and discover exactly what their bodies respond to. Now, girls, on the other hand, are sent much harsher messages about masturbation. So we just don't get that chance to learn what we like. By the time we become old enough to be concerned about orgasm, we feel like we've already missed the boat. We feel embarrassed by not knowing how to masturbate or whether it's even okay to masturbate. So we just don't do it. Surprising Orgasm Lesson Number four We're more concerned with our partner's egos than with our own pleasure. So when I first launched my online orgasm course, Finishing School, I thought that women would sign up because they wanted the experience of having an orgasm. But if there's one lesson that has stunned me more than any other. It's that there are so many women who are more concerned about giving their partners the experience of being making her orgasm than they are about actually having the orgasm themselves. So I'd estimate that a good third of the women who register for finishing school give wanting to make their partner feel better as their primary reason for signing up for the course. So I hear things like, my partner just gets so frustrated with me, or I just want my partner to have that confidence. I've even heard my partner's gonna leave me if I can't figure this out. Now, don't get me wrong, I am happy to teach women how to orgasm for whatever reason. But I will be honest and say that this lesson really bummed me out. I think it just goes to show how much we as women are socialized to care about other people more than we care about ourselves. So if wanting to learn how to orgasm so you can make your partner feel better is the only way to open the door to you exploring your orgasm or the fastest way to open that door, I'll take it and I'll teach you. But I also want you to learn along the way that you deserve to have orgasms for yourself. Surprising orgasm lesson number 5 no two orgasms are alike One of my favorite parts of my job has been learning about all of the different ways that women experience orgasm. I've heard from women who cried during orgasm, women who get a case of the giggles, women who fell in love, women who felt full body waves of ecstasy, women who felt one explosive pop, women who squirted orgasms truly are like snowflakes. No two are alike. I know how dorky this sounds, but I just think this range of human experience is so cool. Surprising Orgasm Lesson Number six Orgasm shouldn't be the main goal. Even though I've made it my life's work to teach women all about orgasms, my true focus has been to transform women's relationships with planning pleasure in a much broader sense. Now, orgasms are great, do not get me wrong, but they only last for so long, right? So I teach women all these other lessons, like how to feel excited about exploring their bodies. I help them gain confidence in understanding and asking for their own needs. I show them how to be more present and focused in the moment and soak up every little ounce of pleasure. Now, I love it when women share stories with me about all of the other fun stuff that can come out of sex aside from just orgasms. Laughing, experiencing connection, being playful, feeling authentic and throwing inhibitions to the wind. Orgasm is the cherry on the top of that sundae. But that sundae can be pretty damn tasty even without it. So that wraps up six surprising lessons I've learned from years of teaching women how to orgasm. If you like this video, please give it a like or better yet, comment down below. If any of these lessons surprised you, make sure to subscribe to my YouTube channel for even more free resources. And I have a gift for you. If you are a woman struggling with orgasm, you are definitely going to want to check out my free guide, the best way to have your first orgasm. I reveal the most successful way to have an orgasm according to scientific research. Click the link in the description box below to download. Thanks for watching and I'll see you next time. Six surprising lessons that I've learned as a what is that.
