Masturbation In Relationships? - A SEX Therapist's Guidelines for Self Pleasure

All right, today we have to talk about something that we usually keep pretty private.

Oh, yeah.

And that is masturbation.

Oh, yeah.

And in particular, like, is it okay to masturbate if you're in a relationship? Is it weird to still want to masturbate even if you have a partner? Should your partner be able to fulfill all of your sexual needs? Do you have to tell your partner when you're masturbating? Or maybe does it count as cheating? What is the proper masturbation etiquette? Is that even a thing? So, hey, there we are. Vanessa and Xander Marin. We're a married couple. We've been together since 2007, and we are here to give you the tools that you need to have an extraordinary relationship. Inside of the bedroom and out. So I'm a licensed psychotherapist. I specialize in sex and relationship therapy. And I've spent the last 15 years working with thousands of people. And I've served as a featured expert for magazines and websites like the New York Times, oh, the Oprah Magazine, and Real simple.

And I'm her husband, Sander. I used to work a pretty normal job in the corporate world, but I was not super fulfilled. And I started seeing how much of an impact Vanessa was having making with her work, and I decided I should join her so we could reach even more people. Plus, I've picked up some pretty good insight into what does and doesn't make relationships work over the years. And I also just love sharing real life stories from our own relationship to try to help you guys out. So in this video, we're diving right into this super spicy topic. We'll let you know how we feel about masturbation and share our tips for how to handle masturbation in a relationship. Simply by watching, you're going to have a specific game plan for how to handle this tricky topic when it comes up in your relationship.

Before we even get into what is and isn't okay in a relationship, we gotta start with the fact that the vast majority of people associate masturbation with shame. From a really early age, we're taught to believe that masturbation is wrong. It's sinful, embarrassing, or at the very least, private. Yeah. And women in particular are given a lot of negative messages about masturbation. We're taught that, you know, good girls don't masturbate. It's extra icky or gross or weird for women to do it. So whether you're someone who has been masturbating since childhood or you're still too embarrassed to even try it for the first time, it's likely that you feel at least a little bit uncomfortable even thinking about masturbation.

If you're uncomfortable in general. Of course, this gets even trickier when you get into a relationship. Most people think that they're supposed to get all of their sexual needs just met in that relationship, so there should be no need for masturbation. Yeah. Like if you're getting anything anywhere else.

Yeah. Like if you're a really good fit for each other, if you're really compatible, you wouldn't need anything other than what you get from your partner.

Yeah. Some people even wonder if masturbation counts as cheating since you're being sexual without your partner, but with yourself, I guess. But you know, combine all of that with the fact that we're taught to believe that masturbation is something we're only supposed to do in private, it starts to feel really challenging to even think about bringing up that topic with your partner.

So let's tell you how we feel about masturbation. We're big fans. This probably comes as no surprise. So we think it's really unfortunate that masturbation gets such a bad rep because it can actually be a really positive influence in your personal life and in your relationship.

Yeah.

So on your own, masturbation is an incredible tool for helping you understand your sexuality, explore your body, uncover your desires, and learn how to orgasm. It even has tons of health benefits, like decreasing stress, helping you sleep better, improving your mood, increasing your pain threshold, and even regulating your period.

Those all sound good. Yeah.

You need your period to be regulated a bit better.

Yeah.

So we also believe that it's really important for both partners in a relationship to remain individuals even though they're in a partnership. Masturbation is a way for you to continue having your own individual relationship with your own body and sexuality. So in a relationship, the reality is that you are never going to find a partner who meets 100% of your needs, sexual or non sexual, especially not.

At the same time.

Yeah. You're never gonna find a partner who wants sex every single time you do at the exact same time, in the exact same. We all kind of have this little fantasy that that could be the case, but it's just not realistic. So masturbation can help fill in some of those totally natural, normal gaps in your desire between you and your partner. Plus, talking about masturbation together is a great way to increase your intimacy and get even more comfortable with your sexuality. Now, the key is to use masturbation in a Way that brings you closer together rather than pulls you apart. So we wanna talk about how to actually do that because let's face it, there's no rule book for how to handle this st Right.

Maybe we should write one.

We should.

So first of all, we want to talk about how to have a healthy relationship with masturbation on your own, because that's the foundation for having a healthy relationship with masturbation in your relationship. So we have three guidelines to ensure that your masturbation habits stay healthy.

Number one, don't lie about your masturbation. So look, we know that talking about masturbation is really sensitive. It can be very challenging to just have these kinds of open and honest conversations. But it can cause a lot more harm if you're secretive or deceptive about it. It creates more shame for you internally because you're hiding it or you're lying about it. And it can also lead to fights, even broken trust in your relationship if your partner finds out that you've been masturbating, even though you swear that you never do. So we'll share more about how to talk about masturbation in a little bit, but you definitely want to make sure to not lie about it.

So number two is switch up your technique. A lot of people have been masturbating for decades and learn very specific way get themselves off, usually at a pretty early age. And since most of us are ashamed of masturbation, we tend to try to reach orgasm as quickly as possible. And the easiest way to do that is the tried and true way that we know works for us. But unfortunately, if you use the exact same technique to masturbate, you basically start training your body to require that specific type of stimulation. This can make it a lot harder to orgasm with your partner. So since they're not able to give you that ultra specific kind of stimulation. And then porn can be problematic if you're using it every single time you masturbate. If you're curious about hearing our take on porn in relationships, be sure to check out our other video, Can I watch porn? Porn and long term relationships, which you can find right here.

Number three, find a healthy balance. So with just about any other behavior, you can overdo it. With masturbation, it's definitely possible to masturbate too much. So it's really important to be honest about your own habits. Now I see this becoming an issue when you're using masturbation to self soothe. And this frequently tends to come up the most with men. So a lot of men use masturbation as a way to manage fear, anxiety, even loneliness. So if you find yourself masturbating more frequently than you'd like, or if you find yourself turning to masturbation to soothe other emotions that are coming up for you, you may want to consider talking to a sex therapist.

So that's how to have a healthy relationship with masturbation in general. So let's talk now about how to navigate it with your partner. We've got eight suggestions for incorporating masturbation into your relationship in fun and healthy ways.

Number one, talk about masturbation. Masturbation should be something that you and your partner talk about openly and honestly. So a great way to open up the conversation is to bring up this video with your partner and watch it with them so you can say something like, hey, this video popped up on my YouTube today and it made me realize that we've never really talked about masturbation before. Would you like to watch it with me?

I've never heard of masturbation etiquette before, have you? Let's watch this video.

You can also acknowledge masturbation in your day to day life. So you don't need to report back to your partner every single time you've masturbated. But it can be really fun to acknowledge it every once in a while. So, for example, let's say you're heading into the shower, you could kind of give your partner a little wink and tell them, I'm planning on having an exercise, extra fun shower, don't bother me, don't bother me, leave me alone. Or if your partner, let's say they get back from the grocery store, you could let them know that you had a little bit of fun while they were out, so you can be playful and lighthearted about it. Obviously, we're kind of like joking and laughing as we're talking about these examples, but that's important because you don't want it to feel like you're making this big confession to your partner. It can be something that you guys joke about and laugh about. So talking about masturbation openly is gonna help you resolve any deep rooted shame that you have about it. And it can be really hot too. Like, I like knowing when Xander's masturbated. It turns me on.

Okay, Number two is use masturbation to balance mismatched sex drives and decrease sexual pressure. Your sex drive is always going to be at least a little bit mismatched with your partners. You're never going to find someone that you're 100% compatible with who Always wants it at the exact same time in the exact same way you do.

Yeah. It's so important for us to keep talking about this because so many couples fight about mismatched sex drives, they don't realize that it's actually completely normal. Every couple has some sort of mismatch. It's actually the most frequent reason that couples come into sex therapy or that.

Those mismatches change over time.

Yeah, sometimes the person who's the higher sex drive partner, in a couple months or a few years, they end up being the lower sex drive partner.

So instead of arguing over your mismatches or trying to force yourselves to be on the same page, you can use masturbation to help even things out. If you want sex but your partner isn't in the mood, you can masturbate. You can have fun on your own, or you can even invite your partner to watch. Watching you get started on your own may even make your partner interested in getting involved.

Pro tip number three, prioritize your partner over masturbation. So we said something really similar to this in our video about porn and relationships. You definitely get to have your own relationship with your body and your sexuality. But it's really important to prioritize connecting with your partner.

But I also want to bring up something here. Masturbation is different from having sex with a partner. Masturbation tends to be pretty quick and easy. So sometimes people will feel a desire for just having a quick release, but not necessarily be in the mood for full on partnered sex.

Yeah, I totally get that. In a funny way, it kind of reminds me about how people say they have like a different stomach for dessert. Like you can be full from dinner but still have a ton of space for dessert. There's a kind of similar dynamic that comes up with masturbation. So sometimes I don't feel interested in sex or, you know, even horny or anything like that. But I may feel the desire to masturbate because I know that it'll help me like fall asleep faster or I just have that like, wanting to scratch an itch type of sensation. So it's definitely a different experience. And it makes sense to crave masturbation at times when you're not open to being intimate with your partner. But overall, you want to make sure that you're not turning your partner down on a regular basis or refusing to initiate with them just so you can go masturbate.

Yeah, don't say like, oh, I don't feel like having sex. I'm just going to go in the room. And masturbate. Number four is teach each other how you masturbate. This is probably our favorite tip out of all of them. But so few people think to actually do it. Most of us want our partners to just magically know what each of us needs to feel pleasure. But the reality is that none of us are mind readers and we're all different. It's up to each of us to teach our partners how to bring us pleasure. The absolute best way to do this is to discover what your body responds to via masturbation and then tell your partner how you masturbate. So, for example, you might tell your partner that you like a firm grip or light circles, or starting slow and gradually increasing in speed. Giving them these kinds of details will help them learn how to truly satisfy you.

Number five, watch each other masturbate. You can also show, not tell. So sometimes it can be a little bit hard to describe a masturbation technique in words. So it might be a little easier to show your partner how you masturbate instead.

Show and tell, show and tell.

It's the best of both worlds. So you can incorporate masturbation into your sex life on an ongoing basis to too. It can be something that you regularly do with each other, just like you do oral sex or hand jobs.

Yeah. It can be part of foreplay. Yeah.

Well, it could be before whatever you usually do as your main event. Or you can take breaks from your main event to do it. Or you can wrap up with masturbation too. Seriously. It can be extremely arousing to watch your partner masturbate. And it can be just as appealing to be watched while you masturbate.

So number six is explore new ways of masturbating with each other. There are an endless number of ways to masturbate. Despite what you may think, like we said before, most people tend to find that one technique and stick with it. And that ends up causing a lot of problems. And it's a shame to get stuck in a rut with yourself when there's so many other possibilities. Routinely changing things up ensures that you never get too reliant on any one technique. Experiment with different speeds, levels of pressure, and types of touch or toys. It's just fun to explore with your partner.

Number seven, use masturbation to resolve sexual issues. So masturbation can actually be the solution to a lot of your challenges in the bedroom. So if you're a woman who has never been able to have an orgasm, masturbation is going to be the key for you. I have a whole course about this called finishing school. And if you're a man who struggles with premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or delayed ejaculation, masturbation is also going to be key for you. I teach all about this in my course, the Modern Man's Guide to Conquering Performance Pressure. So you can find information about both courses in the description box down below.

Number eight is Build sexual tension with masturbation. We're big fans of making little rules in our sex life. By temporarily taking things off the table or making them forbidden, it makes sex feel a lot more uncertain and exciting. So how this works with masturbation is you can make a rule that the only sexual contact you're allowed to have for one week is masturbation only, or that you can masturbate, but not to the point of orgasm or even see.

Like how many times could you get yourself right to the edge and stop? Who can hold out the longest?

Yeah. So imposing these kinds of temporary restrictions on your sex life is a lot of fun, especially when they end.

So hopefully these eight suggestions will help make masturbation much more comfortable and fun for you and your partner, all while removing the shame and stigma that surrounds self pleasure. At the end of the day, masturbation is an excellent way to discover your own body and sexuality, as well as deepen your connection with your partner.

So that wraps up our guidelines for masturbation both alone and in a relationship. If you like this video, please give it a like or better yet, comment down below. If this information helped you, we'd love to know what you think about masturbation and relationships. And please make sure to hit that red button below to subscribe to our YouTube channel. And while you're at it, click the notification icon so you keep getting these videos.

And we have a little gift for you too if you want to improve your relationship and sex life but you don't know how to get the conversation going. You're like, I do not know about talking about masturbation, you guys. Then you're definitely going to want to check out our free guide how to start talking about sex with your partner, even if you never have before. So this guide will give you word for word examples of how you can start talking about sex with ease.

Nice.

The link to the guide will be in the description box below. Thanks for watching.

See you next time. Into focus. Back to life. Back to focus.