Mental Health And Your Sex Life - How To Save Your Sex Life When You're Struggling

Maybe I'd start a video like that. May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and this year it seemed more important than ever to address it. So today we're going to be talking about how mental health issues can affect your sex life and what you can do about it.

If you're new to our channel, then hi, we are Vanessa and Xander Marin. Vanessa. Vanessa's a sex therapist and we've been together for 13 years.

And our account is all about giving you the tips, tools and techniques that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship. Inside of the bedroom and out. So if that sounds good to you, go ahead and hit that subscribe button right now.

These days, if you haven't experienced your own struggles with mental health, you at least know someone who has. With the pandemic forcing us all indoors, many of us have also been feeling the extra mental toll of not seeing loved ones and not having our normal outlets rely on. The New York Times has even come out with a term to describe the joyless and aimless feeling that we've all had this past year. It's called languishing. And it basically means that blah feeling of stagnation or emptiness. And it's not exactly the sexiest term, is it?

So, just like anyone else, Xander and I have each had our fair share of difficult times in our lives and we really want to help normalize mental health struggles and help people realize it is completely, completely common and normal to have challenges with your mental health. So just to normalize it even more, we want to hear from you. So drop a Y in the comments down below if you've ever struggled with any sort of mental health issue, and an N down below if you haven't. So whether you've been suffering with your mental health for years or for the very first time, this year has brought some challenges for you. You probably know that mental health can affect every area of your life and this includes your sex life. So it can feel really hard to in the mood for sex if you can barely get yourself out of bed in the morning. It can be hard to wanna connect with your partner if you're feeling disconnected from everything and everyone. And it can be hard to feel aroused if the medication that you're on is really tanking your libido. So we've found that sex tends to be one of the first needs to go when you're struggling with your mental health. It's just something that does not feel that important when you're having a really tough time. So we want to be really clear, like we do not want to sugarcoat this. Trying to get your sex life back on track while you're dealing with mental health issues is really hard work. We are definitely not saying, you know, watch this quick YouTube video and you will be cured. And of course, we want to acknowledge that there are different levels of severity of mental health issues. So we obviously think that sex is an important part of life. But we also realize that there are plenty of situations where we would give people the advice to not focus on your sex life. You know, if you're having really severe mental health issues, even moderate mental health issues, it just might not be the thing that you really need to focus on at this point in time. So we just want to be super clear about all of that. That being said, if you are in a relatively stable place, you're feeling the desire to work on your sex life, you want to reconnect with that part of yourself. We wanted to give you some tips for how you can get there.

All right, so tip number one is seek out a trusted mental health practitioner. So we just want to say it flat out, there is no shame in seeking help. I know that it can feel really hard to get to that place. It might feel like, you know, if I don't acknowledge that I have a problem, then I don't have a problem or it's just gonna go away. But often these type of things, without help, without talking about it, they only get worse. So it's. It's just so important to ask for help because you deserve to feel supported and you deserve to know that, you know, it doesn't need to be this way forever.

Yeah. So, I mean, just to normalize this again, like, we've each done therapy individually, we've done therapy as a couple. Therapy, of course, isn't the only way that you can address mental health issues. But we know from lots of experience that it can be so helpful to have somebody trusted, a trusted professional to talk things out with.

Yeah. And then the other point is that medications are sometimes necessary for people who are struggling with mental health. Most medications, though, do have sexual side effects. So it's important to find a doctor who takes those side effects seriously and is also comfortable talking with you openly about them, because many doctors don't offer up that information to you. You need to kind of advocate for yourself and talk about it.

And we also want to acknowledge this can be a really challenging situation to, like, know. On the one hand, I need medication to help me get through life. For some people, medications are even, you know, like, necessary for them to Live and at the same time to be recognizing, okay, but this medication that I need is also going to have these negative sexual side effect. Nobody should have to be in the position where you have to choose between your mental health and your sex life. So this is definitely a challenging situation. That being said, like Xander was saying, like, it is possible to really advocate for yourself to find a practitioner who takes these side effects seriously. And there are things that you can do to mitigate those sexual side effects.

Yeah, I mean, whether that's just trying a couple different options to kind of weigh the pros and cons of each one and kind of gauge what effect it has on your sex drive. And yeah, that's why we say it really requires. Requires having a doctor or a practitioner that is open to talking about that.

All right, step number two is to prioritize the daily practices that help you feel good. So we're talking stuff, you know, basic self care stuff, feeding yourself well, keeping yourself hydrated, journaling, getting some sunshine on your face. These are very simple things. Again, we're not saying all you need to do to cure your mental health issues is just sit out in the sun for 10 minutes a day, especially, you know, serious mental health issues. That being said, these kinds of things do make a difference. And anything that can make a difference, anything that can make life just a little bit better, you deserve to do. I want to call out one thing in particular, which is exercise. So I know when you're struggling with your mental health, moving your body around, getting sweaty, sometimes feel like the absolute last thing that you want to do. But there's been some really fascinating research done on the connection between exercise and mental health. It has been shown time and time again to improve our mental health and also to improve the suction sexual side effects of medications. So exercise is one of the best things that you can do for your mental health.

All right, number three is talk to your partner about what you're struggling with. Being open and honest about your mental health issues go a long way to. Towards dismantling any shame or embarrassment that you might be feeling. There may be ways that your partner can be on your treatment team in a way in terms of supporting you or ways that they can better educate themselves about mental health. I think a lot of us really worry that letting our part is almost like an admission of defeat or they're gonna see us as weaker or damaged in some way. But you know, they're gonna feel empathetic towards you and, you know, just talking about it and having some support and Empathy can really go a long way to helping.

I mean, that's what we sign up for with relationships. Right. Like to be there with each other in the good times and the bad. So of course it feels vulnerable to share this kind of stuff with your partner and let them see you in that super vulnerable state. But it's also what relationships are all about too.

Yeah. And so then another good thing about opening up with your partner is that then that allows you to ask your partner for what you really need, whether that's space, some alone time, maybe some extra help with household chores, for example, you know, that kind of stuff. So you know, if you aren't open about it, then it becomes much harder to be like asking for all these things and you can't explain why you're asking for them. And then the final little piece of that is that when you're open about it, you can then also talk to your partner and just tell them, you know, I have not been feeling like myself and that includes in the bedroom. So kind of just setting some expectations around sex drive and you know, what they should expect as you're kind of battling through these issues.

Yeah. Again, I think this is like you were saying, like it's something that a lot of people don't want to talk about, but especially when it comes to sex. Like your partner probably already knows something is up if you guys haven't been having sex that much, if you've been turning that them down a lot. So yeah, it can be scary to open up that conversation, but it's going to lead the two of you to a better place. Your partner is going to understand what is that's going on instead of maybe making assumptions that it's about them, you're not in love with them anymore, not attracted to them anymore.

Oh yeah. It's so easy for our minds to go to these worst case scenarios. So yeah, that's a huge reason right there to just be upfront about what's going on so that no one has to make bad assumptions.

Alright. And that ties us into tip number four, which is to talk to other people too. I think mental health challenges can feel really isolating even though you rationally know you're not the only person going through it. It's very easy to feel like I'm the only person in the world who's not happy right now. So it can be really helpful to try to open up conversations with family members, close friends, you know, anyone in your life that you really trust. Keeping these feelings to ourselves, you know, not only does it make us feel very alone? But it also makes it feel like we have to solve the problem completely on our. When in reality, you probably have a lot of people in your life who would be supportive of you if they knew what was going on. And, you know, maybe they're not gonna help cure whatever it is that's going on for you. But even just being able to have these open conversations, rely on people for a little bit of support, doing a favor, you know, that can make such a big difference. And the reality is that you probably have loved ones who are going through their own mental health challenges. So this is an opportunity for you to create even deeper connection and to realize, like, we really are not alone in this. Another option is that you can find support groups, whether that's online or in person. For some people, making connections with people that they don't actually know can feel a little bit more supportive and encouraging, especially at the beginning. So that's another great option to seek out. But just any sort of talking about it out loud with other people, this is the way that we break the shame and the stigma around mental health issues. So it may even help for you to think about this as, okay, this is me taking care of myself, but this is also me contributing to a world where other people can get more support for mental health. Other people don't have to feel so ashamed about struggling.

Yeah, that's great. So tip number five is be gentle with yourself, especially around your expectations about sex. So the reality is you're probably not going to have the same relationship with sex that you did before. That's really hard and painful. So it's important to just give yourself some validation and just. Just acknowledge that. Get yourself to the point where you can acknowledge that and feel okay with it. So what can we do once we do that? So you can lower the bar a bit. A lot of us feel like we still have to be 100% interested in sex in order to do it. But maybe 25% feels like a better benchmark for you if you just feel that little jolt of energy or curiosity. Jump on that enthusiasm and, yeah, see what happens. Also, just think about taking baby steps, especially if you're coming out of a dry spell. You know, you can just start with kissing your partner more on a given day and just kind of gauge how does that feel? You know, slowly ease in to trying to do a couple more things and see how you like it and how. What kind of difference that makes between you and your partner.

Tip number six is to masturbate so Xander was just talking about like lowering the bar. Masturbation is another way to do this. You might feel a lot more open to masturbating. It might feel like the smaller hurdle than sex with your partner. So the good thing about masturbating is that it will keep your libido up. It will keep you having this connection to your sexuality, to your sex drive. It also has lots of positive benefits. It releases tons of feel good neurotransmitters and hormones into our body that make us feel better mentally. So masturbating is not going to cure depression, but it can definitely give us a little bit of a mood boost. If you're a woman who's been struggling with masturbation or your orgasm. We actually have a free guide about the very best techniques for female masturbation. So we will pop a link to that guide down in the description box below.

All right. Tip number seven is be flexible with your definition of sex. So you might feel more open to just making out with your partner or a hand job or mutual masturbation. You know, a lot more than you feel to having like full blown intercourse sex. But the reality is that all of these acts are still considered sex. Sex does not just have to be intercourse. That's something, you know, in heterosexual relationships we really struggle with. We all kind of think that like sex equals intercourse, but the reality is, you know, all the options on the table are sex and we get to choose what we want.

Everything counts as sex.

Yeah. And you know, when you're struggling with mental health issues, there's no rule that says that you have to have sex exactly the way that you did before. The only way to please your partner, the only way to be sexually active is to do intercourse every single time. That's just not how it works. Another option is to think about doing what we're calling one sided sex. So that's just like doing something for your partner, even if you are not open to experiencing pleasure yourself. So offering to give a hand job, finger your partner, oral sex, something like that. And you know, the reality is oftentimes when we start doing that stuff, we, we may feel more open to it ourselves, but there is no requirement for that. Just think about, will it feel good to me to give some pleasure to my partner?

Yeah, that's really the key there. I think it's really easy for us to get into this place of feeling like we owe sex to our partner. We have to do it for them. And that's not what we're talking about at all. We're talking about you making the conscious decision of, you know what? I don't feel like anything for myself right now, but I feel totally good doing something for my partner.

So the bottom line of all of that is this, that any form of physical intimacy with your partner is really good for both your own personal mental health and also your relationship.

All right, so again, we just want to say we know that this can be really hard work. If you are struggling with mental health right now, our hearts go out to you. Please know that you are not alone.

So that wraps up this video. If you liked it, please give us a like, hit the red button to subscribe to our channel and then click that notification icon so you keep getting notified. Notified as soon as we post more.

Thanks for watching.

See you next time.