Mental Load: Invisible Work And How To Balance The Burden

Have you heard of the phrase mental load? It refers to the mental energy it takes to keep track of and manage all of the many, many parts of home life. So we have been talking about mental load a lot over on Instagram, and we have been getting the message loud and clear. You guys are mentally overloaded by all of your mental load. Now, we know that when it comes to mental load, it's really easy to feel stuck with it. So today we wanted to talk about how you and your partner can discuss mental load, get on the same page and share it in a way that doesn't feel so overwhelming so that the two of you can start reconnecting and just feeling more at peace with all of your many responsibilities.

Have we met? I'm Xander and this is Vanessa. Vanessa's a sex therapist, and we've been together for 13 years.

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Oh, yeah. So let's talk a little bit more about mental load. It refers to the invisible mental burden of keeping track of household needs is not necessarily the things that need to be done around the house themselves. More of the mental burden of planning and organizing everything that needs to be done for the maintenance of a family or a home or both. We all carry some amount of mental load, but the frustrating reality is that women in particular have been socialized to just carry more of or all of the mental load. Even if you rationally don't want to have that stereotypical gender role in your relationship, you. It's still far too easy as a woman to just take on that mental load kind of naturally.

So the concept of mental load was made popular by this French artist. She made this comic a few years ago where she was sort of making fun of how it's not enough as a male partner to ask your female partner, like, let me know how I can help.

So helpful.

Yeah. Because when you say something like that, like that in and of itself requires your partner to be managing you on. On top of everything else. So it sounds like it's something that's helpful, like, yeah, let me know what I can do. But it takes all this mental energy for that, you know, the woman to be able to tell her partner exactly what to do.

Yeah. Think about, like, if you go over to one of your friends houses, I feel like this is super common. You go over for, like, a dinner party and you're like, oh, how can I help? Assuming they're gonna say, oh, don't worry, just, just take a seat and have a drink. Right. Every now and then they're like putting you to work in the kitchen and you're like, oh, shoot, I shouldn't have asked.

That's a good point. A lot of times we ask how we can help and we don't actually want to to help. But the thing is, you know, women don't need help with accomplishing chores around the house. They need relief from being the one who is always in charge of knowing what needs to get done and the responsibility of making sure that those things actually get done. So this is true of full time moms, working moms, single women, and also the gender dynamic can be reversed. I think originally it was discussing women as the ones who are really carrying mental load. But we just want to acknowledge every relationship is unique. There tends to be one partner who's holding a lot more mental load than the other.

Yeah. We've definitely had times in our life where I've taken care of the household.

Yeah. And times that I have too.

Yeah.

So it's interesting to think about because, you know, like organizing and planning, these are full time jobs that people get paid good money to do.

Yeah.

And while a lot of couples, especially these days, do split up household chores, the person who takes on all of this organizing and planning responsibility winds up taking way more than half of the work. And the problem with mental load is that it is largely invisible. So it can go unnoticed to anyone except for the person who is bearing the brunt of that load. In fact, if you're doing a good job with your mental load, your partner absolutely won't see it. You're just doing such a good job, keeping track of everything, figuring out what needs to be done and where and by who, and making sure it happens. Like to your partner or to somebody outside of your family, it just looks like, oh, wow, that household operates so smoothly and efficiently.

Yeah. It's almost like you're doing too good of a job. You must not really be doing too much work cause it's so smooth and easy.

So mental load can look like remembering to order all of the home items before they run out, managing the kids, ever changing schedules, noticing when the clean towels are running low, and keeping the monthly budget in mind. So it's this exhausting mental work that never ever ends.

Yeah. And I imagine when you have, when and if you have kids, then it really, really increases. I know. You know, the time where I was Managing our household. We were living abroad. You could only. We didn't have a car. You can only buy like one bag full of things at the grocery store because you had to walk at home. So for me it was pretty straightforward. I didn't even really understand the concept of mental load until recently because I certainly wasn't carrying much of one the time when I was in charge of our household. But this imbalance in responsibility can end up leading to a lot of resentment within a relationship. So we're really curious to know if this is sounding familiar to you guys. So give us a why down in the comments. If you have experienced this in your relationship and if you're like me, give an n. If you haven't, don't worry. We are not going to leave you hanging right there. We've got a five step process for helping you and your partner navigate mental load to together so that you can eliminate resentment and create a more balanced and fair distribution of work.

Okay, step number one is to understand your mental loads individually. So the first step to bringing equality back into the house is to take a look individually at your mental loads. So write down all of the areas of home life that you keep track of and write down like the specific tasks or responsibilities or duties that you have in mind all the time. So it's going to be a really interesting process. You realize there's so much more detail that you're holding on to than you realize. So it's not just like, keep the house stocked, it's, you know, okay, there's the cereal and the nut butters and the cleaning supplies and like it just goes up and down.

And there's probably all these conditional things like, oh, well, if they have this cereal in stock then we get that. But if they don't, then the kids don't really like the good alternatives. So then we have to try these other, you know, everything gets thrown off by little bits and pieces that are or aren't there.

So this can be a really big project, but we think it's definitely worth doing. Just trying to make a list of what are the responsibilities that you feel like you own. You're the main person who's taking them into consideration, making sure they happen. What are the duties that you're managing in your mind? So you can also try doing this like throughout the week or even just a day or something like keep a little notebook with you or do a note on your phone and, and just jot things down as you end up doing them throughout the day. So you just wanna Get a clear picture of what exactly is that mental load that you're carrying.

And I know that is one more item to add to your list of a little bit more on your load. But bear with us, it will be worthwhile. Because step two is share your mental loads with each other. So you wanna set aside some time where you can both sit down and then have a conversation about those responsibilities. Go through that list that you've come up with. This is probably going to be a big conversation. Just a warning. So give yourselves at least an hour to do this. Don't skimp on the time, and then really lay everything out. Share your list with each other and talk through exactly what you're carrying and what that feels like for you. So like we said above, mental load, it's often invisible. So your partner may not even realize how tough it is for you to manage the kids, school and extracurricular activities. You might not realize the stress of managing finances and a budget. Just throwing out some random examples there. When you don't have a clear picture of each other's mental load, it can just pit partners against each other. It's so easy to think of your partner as just like, not really doing anything to help when you're not really thinking about, like, what are the other things that they're doing that you're not seeing? So when you start to see the reality of everything that you and your partner manage, hopefully that resentment a bit will start to fade.

All right, step three is to decide if you want to do things differently. So once you get clear on exactly the totality of what you both are carrying, you want to ask yourselves, like, do we want to continue sharing things in this way? Do we want to keep holding the mental load that we've been holding? So there may be certain ways that you actually enjoy having the mental load.

So.

So I will give you an example. I keep mentioning this, like, keeping the house stocked example because that's something I genuinely enjoy. There's this weird part of my brain that really loves, like, keeping track of how much toilet paper and Kleenex and making sure we always have like a backup of something so that we never run out and have nothing left. Like, I don't know, I genuinely enjoy that.

She may just love making orders on Amazon.

I might do that too. But that's, you know, that's something that I wouldn't ever want to give to Xander unless he really wanted to do it. Then maybe we could compromise. But, like, I genuinely enjoy doing it as opposed to other mental load tasks. That I would be much more willing to say, like, yeah, you know, help me out with this one. So just get clear for yourselves, like, what are the tasks that you enjoy doing, maybe that you think you're particularly good at doing, and that way that helps you guys figure out, okay, what's the actual stuff that you do need to figure out a new plan for?

Yeah, it's kind of like quantifying, like, okay, so this is a load technically, but it doesn't fit. Feel like a very heavy load because it's something I enjoy or something I look forward to. Whereas there's going to be some other ones that, you know, we all have things that we do and we don't enjoy, and we do it because we know it's good for us. It's good for someone else. Yeah, it's going to make them happy. But, yeah. So kind of weigh those loads. All right, so then, yeah, weigh your loads. Then step four, divide that load up in a way that feels balanced and doable for both parties. Now that you've decided what you do and don't want to be responsible for, it's time to divvy up the work in a more equitable way.

Okay, so before we get any further, we just want to acknowledge that there really is no such thing as perfectly fair.

Sorry.

Especially in relationships. So you can't quantify mental load specifically enough to make sure that you're each doing, like, exactly 50%. And all relationships are unique, too.

Too.

So in some circumstances, it might be better for one partner to be carrying more like 75% and the other is more like 25. So we just want to acknowledge, you know, there is no perfect here. But the bottom line is that it's worth at least making an attempt to help things feel more balanced between the two of you.

Yeah. I think the other caveat as well is that we can't just say, these are the responsibilities I enjoy and these are the responsibilities I don't, and I'm not going to do the ones that I don't I like. Because the reality is, if both parties put things in a I love it and I hate it list, there's going to be some overlap in the I hate it list. I'm pretty sure otherwise. Congrats. You probably don't need to finish this video. All right, so now you want to talk through all those mental load responsibilities and then just cleanly assign them to one partner. You can get a little playful with this. You like trading each other for less desirable tasks, or you can kind of do that, like, grade school, school, schoolyard, picking teams thing, maybe, where you take turns, see what you see, who goes last. If it helps you, you can both draw up a chart or, like, make a word document that that clarifies what everything. Who is doing what. Now, you're probably going to still have things on your plate that you don't love, like I was just saying. But if you feel like things are more fair and equal, then you're going to be feeling less resentful, and that's a win.

All right, step five is to let go and let your partner take the reins.

Sounds nice.

So this step can be especially tough for some women because it's very likely that your partner is going to be taking on some tasks that they have never taken on before.

Yeah.

So a lot of us have these very specific way that we like doing things, and it can be really hard for us to let go and allow a partner to do something in their way, even if we are resentful about us having to do it in the first place. Sometimes the reality of handing it off to someone else is like, I'd rather.

Be resentful and just do it.

But if you want to have more balance in the mental load in your relationship, you have to let it go. So, you know, you can. It's totally fine to, like, communicate with your partner about what you already know about doing that task. You can kind of like train them in how to take over it if.

They'Re open to it.

Yeah. Like, give them whatever information might be useful.

Useful.

Not in a condescending or, like, controlling way, but like, hey, I was. I've done this in the past. This is how I did it. Feel free to do it how you want, but this might be helpful.

Yeah. And this is also probably an important point if you have kids, because it's not just like, oh, this is how I've done it, but it's like, this is how I've done it, and this is how other people are used to it being done.

Okay, so we got this DM on Instagram a few weeks back from a woman who was saying, okay, but what if I give my partner some things and they make mistakes? And she gave this example of the whole family went to the park, and her husband had the task of packing up the bag for them, and he didn't pack the snacks, he didn't pack the pacifier for the baby, he didn't pack water, you know, and so they got to the park and they had this disastrous time because everyone got hungry and Thirsty and cranky. And so she was beating herself up saying, like, well, obviously he can't do this. I just need to take it back. But the thing is, you know, when your partner is taking. Taking over mental load, they're gonna make mistakes. They are not a perfect person. None of us are. I'm sure all of you have made mistakes with the mental load. I certainly have, Xander.

In this case, I'm sure the very first time this woman did it, it may not have been perfect either. She probably learned as she went.

But, you know, failure is the way that we learn how to do things so often. So again, you can have this transition period where you try to tell your partner what might be useful for them, but you have to let go and just let them do it in their own way. You have to let them make mistakes so your partner will learn how to do it better next time. And they'll also get a better sense of the load that you've been carrying. They'll start to learn like, oh, wow, she's really been doing a lot.

This is really tough. It's not just grab the bag and stuff some things in it.

Yeah.

All right, so to wrap things up, we have a couple quick fire techniques to help manage the mental load in your relationship.

Use an app. You can put all your tasks in cozy. That's when we hear from parents all the time that they love. You can use Google Calendars, even Asana, just to help you both keep track of everything.

You can also try making a joint household manual. That's another way to keep track of everything. Plus, it also allows each of you to help educate each other about the tricks and techniques that you've used in the past that have worked and stuff that maybe hasn't worked.

Yeah, you can be kind of fun and playful about it, like how to run the house manual. Another option is to outsource. So most of us feel like we have to do it all, especially parents. There's a lot of pressure on you to do it all, but we really don't have to. So depending on your budget, your situation, you can outsource things like house cleaning, meal planning, laundry, you know, whatever other tasks you hate. Take the one that you hate the most and save up for that one.

Yeah. Also try to automate anything that you can. So an example is maybe you can use Amazon's subscribe feature to keep your house stocked with toilet paper. Cause you generally know how long it takes to get through that stuff.

And you can also enlist the kids.

Oh, yes, free later.

Yes. Get them involved with some of your mental labor tasks and finally keep checking in with each other. So we think it's really useful to have regular meetings, whether it's once a week, week, or maybe once a month where you check in and see how things are going. You can also have meetings like once a year or something where you sit down with all the mental load tasks and kind of reevaluate. Okay, is this working this way or do we want to make any adjustments to it?

All right, so that wraps up our five step process for balancing mental loads in your relationship. We know this is really tough stuff, but we hope it's really helpful and that you feel empowered to start having these types of of open and honest conversations with each other. Please give this video a Like hit that red button down below to subscribe to our channel and hit the notification icon as well so that you know exactly when we post new videos.

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See you next time.

Have you heard of the phrase mental load? Have you?

Of course I have.

I'm sorry I can't get started. Oh my God, we're never gonna complete this video.