Opposite Sex Best Friend - Healthy Boundaries In Relationships

I can't start a video.

All right.

Do you think it's possible for heterosexual men and women to truly ever be just friends?

Good question.

Today we are tackling this question that has often been the subject of a lot of cheesy rom coms.

Oh, yeah. And people feel pretty strongly about this topic too. There are some people that believe that men and women just simply cannot be friends without there being some sort of sexual attraction. And then there's other people who think that this is a ridiculous idea and we shouldn't sacrifice friendships just for the sake of a relationship.

Personally, we think that having a friend of a different sex is a perfectly normal and very beautiful thing. But that being said, it can get a little bit tricky when there's a serious romantic relationship at play. So we've definitely heard stories about one or both best friends who are secretly in love with each other, romantic partners who got really jealous or controlling, and lots of awkward threesome crowd type of situations. So because of that, we think that it can be a good idea to just have some conversations about this, maybe set some boundaries and expectations around your friendship.

I feel like that's always our first piece of advice, is talk about it.

Talk about it. Not a shocker there, but today we're gonna walk you through how to talk about it, how to set up any boundaries if necessary, and make sure that you're approaching this in a really clear and healthy way.

So first of all, if you're brand new here, then hello. We are Vanessa and Xander Marin. Vanessa here's a sex therapist, and we've been together for 13 years.

And our channel is all about giving you the tools, tips, and techniques that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship. Inside of the bedroom and out. So if you're into that, just go ahead and hit that subscribe button.

Oh, yeah.

Before we go any further, we just wanna take a second to acknowledge that this is a very heteronormative video. So we're specifically talking about heterosexual people and the dynamics around attraction between men and women. We've also used the words opposite sex in the title and the keywords of our video because that's what people are searching for. But we want to be clear that we don't like that word opposite, because we think it implies that there are only two different genders, which there aren't. So just a couple little disclaimers right up top here.

All right, so like Vanessa said, we are really on team friendship over here. We just think there's so much value to having a friend and especially A best friend who is another sex from you. Not saying you have to go out and get a best friend of another sex.

But.

But if you have friends store. Yeah, from the best friend store. But if you, if you have one, that's a great thing. So because, you know, at the super basic level, just having friends who are different from you in any way is a super valuable thing. Whether that is gender, whether that is ethnicity, whether that is socioeconomic background, political ideas, all kinds of things. This can be really valuable. It just, they, they can bring a different life experience to the table than you do and offer up a different way that for you to see things.

And aside from that, there are also plenty of other reasons why people might enjoy different sex relationships. So a lot of women will say that they find it easier to be friends with men because there's not that sense of competition or judgment. When I was in high school, the vast majority of my friends were male because, you know, high school girls can be a little tough.

Hopefully none of your high school girlfriends are listening.

So I just felt more comfortable being around guys. And I think a lot of guys have, you know, specific reasons why they like being friends with women. A lot of men will say they feel like they, they can be more emotionally intimate, more authentic and honest. There's not that like weird alpha male energy or like, you know, trying to assert your dominance over each other. So there may be ways that being friends with somebody of a different sex than you are just makes you feel like you can relax and be more of yourself.

Yeah. So before we go any further, we're curious to see how you feel about different sex friendships. So do you think it's possible to keep the relationship platonic? So give us a Y down in the comments if you agree and give us an N in the comments if you don't think it is possible to stay platonic.

Yeah, like we said, people have some pretty strong opinions one way or the other here.

Yeah. So while we definitely believe that these kinds of friendships can work when you are in a serious relationship with somebody else, but we do recommend setting up some boundaries so that this will just help all the parties involved feel safe and respected.

So let's talk about how to do just that.

Oh, yeah.

So the first thing is to make sure that your partner and their friend are on the same page about the strictly platonic nature of their friendship. So emphasis on the friend there. So sometimes friendships can be a little flirty. You know, sometimes they can cross the line a little bit, especially if both friends are single at that point in.

Time, or maybe there was a history in the past or something.

Yeah. So, you know, you just want to make sure that your partner and their friend are on the same page about the fact that at this point, at least, that they are just going to be friends. So there shouldn't be any expectation or belief or hope that the relationship is going to blossom into something more. That it's not going to be just a friendship at a certain point of time. And so this could be the two of them having a conversation. And it could be something like, you know, I know that in the past we've gotten drunk together and made out on occasion, but, you know, now that I'm in a relationship, now that I'm with my partner, that's not something I'm going to engage in anymore. I just want to make sure that we're being clear about that or, you know, we both know what's going on. So, you know, if you as the partner, you have any sort of fears or suspicions, you can bring them up with your partner, but you want to be careful. You don't want to go in hot accusing your partner of having this inappropriate relationship.

Yeah. Don't be overly paranoid.

Yeah. Sharing all these anxieties and, you know, let your partner respond and then just drop it. Like you don't want to keep harping on it and really, like, looking for things that aren't there.

All right, so number two is decide your comfort level for different activities. There's no right answer here. This is a conversation and feeling into how you feel about stuff and what kind of boundaries you feel like are appropriate to set. So one thing is, does the idea of, like, your partner partying late at night with their other sex friend make you feel nervous? Something to feel into, maybe something to set a boundary about or have a discussion about. Does the idea of them spending time alone at one of their apartments or having sleepovers make you feel uncomfortable? Something to weigh. You know, this gets tricky because you don't have to. You don't get to just come in and set a ton of boundaries for your partner about what they can and can't do. But at the same time, you gotta think about, like, are there things that you feel really strongly about or things that are going to make you feel really safe with this friendship? So this really just has to be a conversation. It can't be a demand or an ultimatum. So you want to communicate these boundaries with your partner and then talk through all the different situations rather than it just being like you can't do this. That's all we're never talking about.

Yeah. It's like, you're not their parent. You don't get to come in and set the rules for them, but you do get to have your own boundaries and your ideas, what feels safe to you. So it's the two of you being adults and having a conversation about it. And I think oftentimes when you have a conversation about it, you discover that there's a lot more gray area than you might have thought. It's not this, like, oh, it can only be this or this kind of situation.

Yeah. So here's an example. So maybe you decide, you know what? I'm okay with late nights out of, like, you know, my partner and their friend out late at night, as long as somebody else is with them. Or, you know, maybe like, your partner can invite their friend over to your place and they can spend some time time together while you're still there, but you're doing your own thing. You're in a different room or whatever. So that, you know, you're not saying, like, you guys cannot have any type of relationship anymore. You can never see each other alone. It just doesn't have to be like, you know, 4am alone, stumbling home from the bar.

Yeah. And obviously this is going to be different for every couple. So that's why, you know, we're not sharing guidelines in this video of, like, this is okay, this is not okay, because everybody has different boundaries and different senses of, you know, what feels right and what feels a little off to them.

Oh, yeah.

All right. Number three is that we want to invite you to consider that you may have some of your own stuff going on here. So it's really easy to focus on your partner and their friend and, you know, feeling a lot of anxieties or suspicion, stuff like that. But just because those feelings get stirred up doesn't mean that your partner's friendship caused those feelings or is responsible for those feelings. So this also doesn't mean that your partner has to change their actions to make you feel better. The bottom line is, a lot of times things get stirred up for us because we have our own history with that thing. So maybe you have been in a situation in the past where there were some boundaries that got crossed or some lines that got crossed, and now you approach this relationship feeling more suspicious or feeling more anxious. So it's important for us to consider, what is the role that I am playing in this? What am I bringing to the table here? Because the bottom line is you don't want to ruin your relationship. Because you're bringing insecurities into this relationship that actually have nothing to do with your partner. So a lot of us, we have been burned in the past. I don't really know of anybody who has not been hurt in a past relationship.

That's life.

Yeah. So unfortunately, a lot of us try to control our relationships or try to control the situations as an attempt to feel safe. Safe. But it's not very effective. It's not really fair to your partner or to your relationship. It's very easy to project your insecurities onto your partner, onto their friendship. Like, thinking that, you know, they like their friend better than you, or they're gonna run off together because they're secretly in love. But, like, again, this just isn't fair to your partner or to your relationship. So this is obviously a huge topic. We can have, you know, an entire video about, like, trust in relationships. Maybe we will. But we think that it's important to just have a little bit of faith in your partner, Especially if they haven't given you any sort of reason to be suspicious. Obviously, if they have given you some reasons to be suspicious, that's a different story.

Yeah. Maybe set some larger boundaries. Yeah.

So just recognize, you know, your partner, they cannot be everything to you, and you cannot be everything to them. That does not make a healthy relationship. So it's normal, natural. It's a good and healthy thing for your partner to have some of their needs. Method by people outside of your relationship. So bottom line, your partner's friendship is not necessarily a threat to your relationship.

All right, so speaking of having needs met outside of your relationship, number four is you could try becoming friends with your partner's friend. See if you can have some of your own needs met by them. You know, if you love your partner, there's probably a good chance that you're also gonna love their friends too.

Not always, but there's a pretty good chance.

Not always. But, you know, hopefully they have good taste in friends, and you like that. So, you know, befriending your partner's best friend, it can be a really great way to decrease your own anxiety. And also, who doesn't want another great friend?

So we're not saying that you have to be there, like, every time that they hang out. You guys have to be this, like, threesome best buds or anything like that.

Three musketeers.

Yeah. Like, we're just saying, rather than seeing this other person as a threat to your relationship, like, why not try befriending them?

It's an opportunity. Yeah. Building a relationship with your partner's best friend also shows that you care about them, that you value the relationships of your partner and their friend, and that you respect that your partner has a life outside of your relationship. Because I think that's it's, it's easy for us to forget about that sometimes.

At the end of the day, with some good communication, some boundary setting, a little soothing of your own anxieties, you and your partner can both have your needs met. And nobody needs to lose a friend in the process.

All right, that wraps up our video on Best Friends of a different sex. If you like the video, please give us a like Give us that thumbs up. Hit the red button to subscribe to our YouTube channel. Click the notification icon so you keep getting notified when we post new videos. Seriously, every one of those things helps us out immensely. The vast majority of people who watch these videos are not subscribed to our channel, so you just hit the subscribe button. It helps us out and it spreads the message so much better.

And don't forget to let us know down below if you think men and women can truly be just friends. So give us a why or a no. Share your story with us if you have one. Thanks so much for watching.

See you next time.

About a Sex Best Friend it said opposite sex.

It said opposite sex was trying to.