Performance ANXIETY In Men - 6 Things That Make Men MOST Anxious About Sex

When it comes to sex, guys have it pretty easy, right? You get hard quickly, you have an orgasm pretty quickly, and then you get to just lie back in this post sex haze until you drift off to sleep.

Not exactly, but maybe that last part, drifting off to sleep, that's pretty common. But no, seriously, a lot of men do struggle with, or will struggle with crippling performance anxiety at some point. And honestly, it can suck all the fun because most of us grew up thinking we were supposed to be manly men and we don't talk about these kind of things. We just keep them to ourselves. So I don't think most women even realize how anxiety inducing and stressful sex can be.

Hey, there we are. Vanessa and Xander Marin. We are married and we've been together since 2007. And our mission is to equip you with the tools that you need to create an extra relationship. Inside of the bedroom and out. So I am a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex and relationship therapy. I've spent the last 15 years working with thousands of people, and I've served as a featured expert for magazines and websites like the New York Times, oh, the Oprah Magazine, Real simple, and many more.

And I'm Xander. I've spent the last 13 years with Vanessa. No. So I'm her husband. I used to work in the corporate world, but I saw how much of an impact Vanessa was making with her work, and I decided that I could join her and we could reach even more people. Being married to a sex therapist has a few of its advantages, and one of those is just picking up some pretty good insight into what works and what doesn't work in people's relationships. I really like sharing stories from our own life. And honestly, I've experienced performance anxiety myself, so I've been able to show Vanessa what the experience of having sex is like for a guy.

Yeah, definitely. Something that I cannot fully appreciate on my own. So in this video, we're going to reveal the top six things about sex that make men the most anxious.

Oh, boy. If you're a guy, I hope this video feels validating and reaffirming. Trust me when I say you are not alone in any of these anxieties.

And if you're a woman, I hope this video helps you see that sex is not as easy for men as you may think.

No matter what your gender is. You're going to leave this video with a better idea of some of the challenges that come up for men around sex.

So in my work as a sex therapist, I've Seen and heard. So many of my clients battle with these harmful stereotypes and expectations of how their sex lives are supposed to work. But these sexual expectations can be particularly damaging for men because as a society, we seem to have so many expectations of them during sex. So if you haven't already checked out my video, Unrealistic expectations of Men when it comes to Sex, you're definitely going to want to check it out right here. Okay, so let's get to the top six things that make men the most anxious about sex. Anxiety number one is body image. It is not just women who worry about their bodies during sex.

Nope. Yeah, men can feel just as concerned about their looks. You know, it could be a receding hairline, a little bit of extra fat around the belly, not having those Hollywood superhero level muscle mass. Getting naked in front of someone is always going to be a vulnerable experience, even if you've been in a long term relationship with that person.

And a lot of men in particular are fixated on their penis size. I cannot tell you how many sessions I've done with men who were obsessed about not having a big enough penis. And the ironic thing is that women really don't care about it nearly as much as men think. But most men start worrying about the size of their penis right around the time that they hit puberty. And it's this anxiety that just gets reactivated every time you're with a new partner.

And one really big thing, which I don't think you really start to understand until you get a lot older and you maybe never fully understand. Penis sizes can be really, really different when they're soft and hard. For some men, the difference between soft and hard is pretty negligible. And for some men, it can be many, many inches. So for some guys, it can feel really vulnerable to be seen soft when you're with a new partner and they haven't seen you hard yet. So anxiety number two is being able to get hard and stay hard. There's a ton of pressure that gets placed on a man's penis during sex. After all, you can't really have intercourse without an erection. Most heterosexual couples overemphasize intercourse anyway, and that only makes that pressure more intense.

Lots of men also feel expected to get hard at the drop of a hat. Like I've worked with so many men who felt like they should be able to get hard before any sort of sexual contact. Like their partner should just be able to look at them and they'd get this instant erection.

Yeah, it's kind of like when you're Going through puberty and you just get erections in the middle of nowhere.

Yeah, but it's just not realistic as an adult. Like, our bodies need a little something to respond to. You're not going to get this immediate, immediate reaction the second that you're even thinking about being intimate.

Yeah, we're not 13 our whole lives. Some men get so anxious about not being able to stay hard that they end up actually sabotaging their ability to get an erection in the first place. And hey, I'll be the first to admit, this has happened to me plenty of times. And once it happens once, it's really hard not to start thinking about it the next time, which inevitably makes it even harder to get hard that time and the next time. It's a cycle that needs to be broken, but it's really hard.

And making things even worse. Most men also have had this experience of having a partner react negatively if he was struggling to get hard. So in my practice, I've heard stories of partners getting angry, laughing, making hurtful jokes, jumping out of bed in a huff, and even crying. And I'll be totally honest here. I have been there myself. I have had all of the unhelpful reactions that I now tell my clients not to do because it's just so easy as a woman to take erectile difficulties personally. But they really aren't personal at all. And when we take them personally, it just makes the situation so much worse. And a guy having the experience of a partner reacting negatively, it just makes it so much more stressful for him the next time he goes to have sex.

Yeah. So anxiety number three is desiring sex in the first place. Men feel excited, expected to want sex all the time. That's just what we always hear. We're supposed to be up for it wherever, whenever, with whomever.

Now, the reality is that men's sex drives are variable. Men are not machines. Their sex drives are affected by dynamics like work stress, relationship problems, lack of sleep, anxiety and depression, and health issues. The same dynamics that affect women's sex drives.

And these dynamics also affect different men in different ways. Like, some men might get really horny when they're anxious, and some men just totally shut down or if they're really stressed. It's, you know, one way for one guy and one way for another guy. So it's not like a one size fits all thing either.

Yeah, not at all. And I also see a lot of heterosexual couples where the woman is the one with the higher sex drive in the relationship. And this dynamic can create Even more pressure for men who often feel emasculated or ashamed for not being the one who has a higher sex drive.

So anxiety number four is lasting long enough. Orgasmic timing is always a super tricky issue because the biological reality is that men's bodies are just not primed to last very long during intercourse. On average, it takes a man two to five minutes to come, while a woman averages 20 minutes to reach orgasm. That's a huge discrepancy and that can create a lot of pressure for both men and women.

Yeah, men are always trying to last longer. Women are always trying to come faster. And even men who have sex with men don't escape this issue either, because a lot of men still get embarrassed about not lasting very long in front of their partner.

Alright, anxiety number not orgasming at all. Now, this is something that you probably don't hear talked about very often, but there are tons of men who aren't able to orgasm from partnered sexual activity. Since this is an issue that we don't talk about very openly, men who do experience it feel a lot of pressure to fake an orgasm or conceal their difficulties from their partner.

Yeah, there are a lot of women out there who do not even realize that there are a lot of men who struggle with orgasm.

Yeah, and this one just goes hand in hand with the pressure to get hard and stay hard. Because if you've gotten into that cycle of worrying about your erection, you might still manage to get hard the next time you're having sex. And you start having sex and then you start having those negative thoughts or memories kind of creep into your head halfway through and then you aren't able to finish despite really desperately wanting to and being extremely attracted to your partner. It can be maddening.

Sounds maddening.

Anxiety number six, being able to satisfy your partner. Most men aren't idiots. We know when our partners aren't enjoying themselves. Of course, there are some jerks out there who only care about themselves and their own pleasure. But most guys want to know that they're able to satisfy their partners. It's just how it is. We care.

And this pressure can come up in a lot of different ways too. The way that our society views heterosexual sex. Men are supposed to be the initiators and the leaders of sexual interactions. So there's a lot of pressure to take charge. Men also worry about not having the greatest sexual skills. They might worry about not being romantic or seductive enough. And when the whole 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon was a thing, a lot of my male clients had expressed frustration about how to be dominant or alpha in the bedroom because they really thought that's what women wanted.

So those are the top six things that make men most anxious about sex.

The bottom line is this. We all have stress and anxiety when it comes to sex. No one has it easy. And the more honest and respectful we can be about our own struggles and our partner's struggles, the more we can feel like we're on the same team and trying to work our way towards happier and healthier sex lives.

So yeah, we really hope you like these videos. So please give it a like and give us a comment down below and let us know which anxiety you found most surprising. Or if you want to be honest, like me, which one you struggle with. And yeah, please subscribe to our YouTube channel and we'll keep sending you these awesome free resources.

And we also have a little gift for you. If you are a man struggling with performance anxiety, you are definitely going to want to check out my free guide, the four Things that Women really Want in the Bedroom. Trust me, they are not what you were expecting. So click the link in the description box to download.

Oh, I'm going to do that.

Thanks for watching and we'll see you next time.

Next time.

Sam.