Performance Anxiety In Men - How To Talk To Your Male Partner About His Performance Issues

I'm going to assume that if you clicked on this video, either you or your partner have been experiencing some form of performance issues in the bedroom. Well, today I am here to tell you that this is totally normal. Yes, it sucks in the moment for the guy and for his partner. I am definitely not going to sugarcoat that. But with the right support and attitude, any man can overcome performance anxiety and start having an incredible, incredibly satisfying sex life. Once again, today, we're going to talk about how you can be a supportive partner and help your man get over his performance issues. Hey there. I'm Vanessa Marin. I'm a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex and relationships. I've spent the last 15 years working with thousands of people, and I've served as a featured expert for major publications and websites like, oh, the Oprah Magazine, the New York Times, and Real Simple. I'm also the creator of the Modern Man's Guide to Conquering Performance Pressure, an online course that has taught thousands of men how to stop feeling anxious and ashamed and start approaching sex with confidence and ease. My mission is to equip you with the tools that you need to create an extraordinary relationship inside of the bedroom and out. And I've also had partners who experienced performance issues. I have done every single thing that I am about to tell you not to do. So I really get this challenge on a very personal level, too. In this video, I'm going to explain exactly what to do and what to say if you have a male partner who is experiencing performance issues. I'll discuss how societal pressure adds so much fuel to the performance anxiety fire. Plus offer solutions for getting your partner back to his normal self. I know from experience that this is a tricky situation to navigate, but I promise that after watching this video, you will feel more equipped to approach your partner about his performance issues. So let's talk about what the heck is going on. Your guy's body is not cooperating with his desires, and it's probably feeling really frustrating for both of you. Erectile or orgasmic issues develop with an extremely predictable pattern. So the guy has an issue getting hard or ejaculating too quickly just one time, and from there, doubt starts to creep in almost immediately. All men, even young ones, have occasional erectile or orgasmic issues. The penis doesn't always like to cooperate, so most men understand this rationally, but they have a hard time coping when it actually happens. So they start thinking about it all the time after it happened. Just this one time, their anxiety increases, the problem problems begin occurring with greater and greater frequency. It's seriously the worst kind of self fulfilling prophecy. So I want you to do something right now. Let's take yourself back to one of the times when your partner's erectile or ejaculation problems frustrated or hurt you the most. So maybe you felt really disappointed that he orgasmed too quickly. Maybe you worried that his difficulty getting an erection or reaching orgasm was a sign that he wasn't attracted to you. So now I want you to imagine doubling that discomfort, frustration, insecurity, whatever it was that you felt in that moment, double it now. I can almost guarantee you that that is how bad your guy felt. He was let down. But even worse, he knew that he had let you down. So he felt emasculated, he felt out of control, he felt awful. I know that you don't want that for your partner or for your relationship. So let's talk about my five steps for dealing with your partner's performance issues. Step number one, Know that everyone will experience performance anxiety at some point or another. You included. Performance anxiety really sucks because our body is doing something that our brain desperately does not want to do. I have never met a man who wanted to have erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. Men want to get. They want to stay hard, they want to orgasm at exactly the right time. Your guy wants to pleasure you, and yet his body is doing things that his brain does not want. The reality is that we are not robots. Our bodies don't always do exactly what we want them to do. As much as we'd like to think that our bodies are here to cater to our needs, there's a lot more that goes into being physically ready for sex than just having the mental desire for it. So I'm sure you've had experiences with your own body doing things that you didn't want it to do, or not doing things that you did want it to do. So maybe you've struggled with not getting wet or not being able to orgasm, or if you're a guy not getting your own erection. Or maybe it's something not sex related, like your body not losing weight or not building muscle when you wanted it to. It definitely doesn't help that as a culture we have this stereotype that guys should be ready for sexual wherever, whenever, whatever. But that's just not the case. I don't think we give men nearly enough credit for how much pressure gets put on their shoulders and other body parts when it comes to sex. Our standard sexual script dictates that men should be the initiators and the leaders of every sexual interaction. They're expected to get hard immediately and stay hard throughout the entire interaction, no matter what is going on. They're supposed to last a while, but not too long. We're talking about the human body here, not a robot. It's so important for you to recognize that nearly everyone will experience performance struggles at some point in their life. Once we take this stigma away from performance issues, it will make it so much easier for you and your partner to overcome them. Step 2 recognize that it is not about you. It can feel really easy to automatically assume that your partner's performance issues are your fault, that they stem from something that you're doing or not doing. But it really, truly is not about you. Your partner struggling with performance issues does not mean that you're not sexy enough, not pretty enough, thin enough, worthy enough, whatever it is not about you. I can really empathize with this fear that it is about you. Because I have been there myself. I've had partners who experience performance issues like I mentioned earlier, and I have taken it so personally. I thought it meant something was wrong with me or I wasn't good enough in some way. But I've now learned the truth that it really, truly is not about the partner. If you make it about yourself, you're only going to put more pressure on him and make it more likely that he'll continue having issues. Because now not only does he have to get get hard or time his orgasm perfectly, but he also has to show you through his body that he's attracted to you. That you're good enough, worthy enough, whatever it is. I know this is easier said than done. Again, from personal experience, I totally get it. But try to keep reminding yourself that your partner is not in control of his body. And also remember that you and your partner want the same thing. You both want to have sex. You both want to satisfy each other. You're both frustrated and unsure of what to do when a problem arises. You're on the same team. If feelings of self consciousness or insecurity come up for you, it's okay to acknowledge them. It's perfectly understandable to feel them, but try to make the choice to not act on them. Step 3 Bring it up gently. Keyword There is gently. So now it's time to have a conversation with your partner about his performance issues. When you do, you want to make sure that you keep the focus on hand him. So this is not about you making complaints or demands of him. This is not even about you making suggestions for him. What you're trying to do at first is simply to start talking about the issue now. Let me just quickly say here that if you and your partner have never talked about sex before, this is definitely not the first conversation that you should have. First, check out my free guide, how to start talking about sex with your partner, even if you never have before. I'll include a link to that guide in the description box down below. Once you're confidently talking about sex, then come back and talk about the performance issues. When you have this first conversation, stick to the Golden Rule. Treat him the way that you would want to be treated if you were the one experiencing performance issues. So imagine that you were in his shoes. How embarrassed and ashamed you would be feeling. Try to speak with as much compassion and grace as possible. Remember that dealing with performance issues is really hard. It's scary to feel out of control of your own body. It's frustrating to see your body failing to respond in the way that you want it to be polite, kind, and compassionate when you talk about it. Definitely don't make jokes or tease him about his struggles. Instead, ask him about his experience. You can say something like, I've noticed that it sometimes seems like you get really embarrassed about your erection. I just want you to know that I think performance issues are totally normal and common. I've definitely had experiences with my own body not responding in the way that I want it to. I'm just wondering what that's been like for you. If your partner does open up, ask him if there's any way you can support him. So, for example, maybe he'd like it if the two of you took a little bit more time, like slowed down and just enjoyed being together. Let him know that you're a team and you're more than happy to support him. If he brings up wanting to learn more tools, you can mention my online course, the Modern Man's Guide. I'll put the link to that in the description box down below. It can also really help to give your partner verbal reassurance in the moment if he experiences performance issues. You can say something along the lines of, hey, it's not a big deal. Let's just go back to making out for a minute. I was really enjoying that. You could also suggest a different activity, like how about you touch me instead? Expand your definition of sex. Most heterosexual couples prioritize intercourse over any other sexual act. When we think of the word sex, we usually think of intercourse. Instead of valuing foreplay and intercourse equally, we often skip over all of the amazing options on the menu and go straight to the intercourse. But by emphasizing intercourse so much, we increase the pressure on a man's penis. Intercourse is the one sexual activity that puts the most amount of pressure on a man. He needs to get hard, stay hard, and last long enough to play pleasure his partner. That's a lot to handle. There are plenty of other ways that the two of you can connect that aren't intercourse. Plus, if he feels like he can bring you pleasure in a variety of ways, that's going to increase his confidence and make performance issues so much less likely. It's a win win for both of you. And anyways, defaulting to intercourse every single time gets really boring really quickly. Step 5 Be patient I'll be honest here. It will probably take a little bit of time for your partner to fully overcome his performance issues. It will not happen overnight. Keep working on not taking it personally if he continues to experience issues. Stay supportive and understanding. And also, it's really important for you to know that he will have occasional performance issues for the rest of his life. Heck, know that you will have occasional performance issues for the rest of your life too. It's just part of being human. If you can stay realistic about the expectations on both of you, you'll end up being so much more satisfied than if you set these unrealistic expectations that neither one of you can live up to. We're all human. We all experience difficult periods in our sex lives. Be open, honest and supportive and you will have a happy and healthy sex life for the rest of your life. So that wraps up my video on male performance anxiety and the top five steps you can take as his partner. If you like this video, please give it a like or better yet, comment down below. If you've ever had a partner struggle with performance issues, just hearing other people's struggles, knowing that we're not the only one going through this, it makes us all feel so much better. Make sure to hit the red button to subscribe to my YouTube channel. And while you're at it, click the notification icon so that you can keep getting these subscribe videos. And I have a little gift for you. I mentioned earlier that free guide how to start talking about sex with your partner, even if you never have before. This is such a great guide. It really walks you through step by step how to open up these conversations with your partner, including specific phrases that you can use. It's such a great guide so make sure to check out the link to download it in the description box down below. Thanks for watching and I'll see you next time, Sam.