Reader Request Friday #1

Hello and welcome to our first reader's request video. So we decided to do something a little different this month. We are asking for your questions and we are going to make a little video answering each of those questions. So we have a question that we've already picked for today. I'm going to read over it right now, and then we are just going to chat about what comes up for us, what we're thinking about this question, and hopefully give you lots of great advice if you are the original writer of this question or. Or if you're in a similar situation. So let's do it. Let me read the question first and then we will see what we think about it. Okay. So this question originally comes from a woman, and she writes, can you please talk or touch on the topic of premature ejaculation in a marriage and how to talk about it? I know it's a sensitive topic. Since we've had a baby two years ago, sex has been blech from the lack thereof. But when we do it, my husband orgasms so fast and I'm left with blue balls. It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to have sex because I'm left so unsatisfied and upset. We do foreplay and all that, but once we start actually having intercourse and it's feeling good, he orgasms. And he'll try to keep going, but he's soft and it doesn't feel good. It makes me really upset. So I just avoid doing it lately. Okay. So I'm glad that she says right from the beginning that she knows it's a sensitive topic. This definitely is a very sensitive topic, especially. Especially if it's something that you've never talked about in your relationship before, which it sounds like is the case in this marriage. So do you want to give us, the guys, perspective on just what it's like to have a performance issue like this?

Yeah. So this is something that probably almost every guy can empathize with having been through at some point in time. But yeah, so this is one of those things that can be so super embarrassing and really kind of like deeply emasculating. We've talked a lot in the past about sort of like societal expectations of men. And there's, you know, there's a lot of ideas that guys are supposed to always want it. Always be able to perform, be able to go for as long as needed.

The exact right, yeah.

The exact right. Yeah. Not too short, not too long.

Like the Goldilocks of sex.

Yeah. So that can be A big challenge because your body does not always operate the way you want it to. And then in addition to that, with performance issues, it can be one of those things that kind of turns into, like, a negative feedback loop. Like, it happens once and you feel really embarrassed. And it can be especially embarrassing. You don't say anything. You kind of leave everything unsaid because it's awkward in the moment, and then you're feeling awkward about it later. And then the next time you start having said, sex is the first thing that comes into your mind. And as soon as it comes into your mind, it starts to happen again, and then it's even more embarrassing, and you really don't want to say anything. You try to get out of there really quick, and it just goes on and on.

Yeah. So I think that's something really important for women who are in a relationship with men to recognize that. I know in the moment it can be really frustrating if you are just getting into it and then your partner's done. And I know in the moment, sometimes that frustration can be so intense that it can sort of feel like he's doing it on purpose. Like, does he not care? Does he not realize that I just barely got going? So I think it's really important to recognize that this is such a painful experience for so many men. It's an experience that every man is going to have multiple times in his life. It's super painful. It's really emotionally painful, not physically painful. You know, it's really difficult for them to have. And it's not like he's wanting to do this. It's not like he just doesn't care and he's trying to have an orgasm.

As quickly as possible, especially in this situation. It sounds like I'm making the assumption, the way that the question was worded, that it wasn't an issue. And since you've had a baby, it's become an issue. And also, like, the frequency of sex sounds like it has decreased. So, like, a lot of things have changed and this is now an issue. So I think it's pretty like, I would imagine it's, you know, it's not something that she's saying is, like, always been a problem. It's like a new issue.

Yeah. So what I would suggest, if you guys have never talked about this before, is to start very sensitively and to start focusing on the positive things. So rather than saying something like, this is not lasting nearly long enough, please don't keep going while you're soft. You know, that's obviously Going to make him feel really self conscious and terrible and greatly increase the likelihood that he'll continue having issues or it'll get worse. And instead we want to take a completely different track. And could you talk to him about what you really enjoy about intercourse? So maybe say something like, I love when we have intercourse. I feel so connected to you. It just feels like you and me in that moment. So you're giving compliments, talking about the fact that you really like it. And I would also talk about trying to prolong it a little bit in that context. Like, I love when we go really slow with each other, we take our time with each other. I know life is so hectic and we don't have that much time, but when we do have this time together, I love for us to just feel like we can kind of melt into that moment. So see if you can bring it up, give him some compliments, tell him that you really enjoy this time together and see if maybe that more subtle message might get through.

And I think you could also talk about things that you love about orgasm as well. But trying to keep it in the context of not like your orgasm is dependent upon intercourse. Because one of the things that can be really tough and this kind of gets at the societal expectations that we have, is that it can be really easy to fall into that trap of assuming, like, for her to orgasm, we have to be having intercourse. And I think I can kind of see that in this, that like assumption in this question where she's saying, like, he'll try to keep going even though he's soft. I think that's a mistake a lot of guys make. They're like, okay, well, I came, I'm gonna pretend that I didn't. Which is a bad idea because you can't really pretend that very well. And you kind of think, oh, well, this is the only thing that we can because we've gotten past all the other bases and we're on intercourse, like there's no going back. Which is totally not. Not the case at all.

Yeah.

And. But I think a lot of, a lot of guys forget that. And I think a lot of, a lot of women forget that because we.

Are taught like this societal message that we should be orgasming during intercourse at the ex. Same moment, like that gets into our heads. So I think you're right. It's actually, it's sort of two different issues here. It's letting him know in a gentle way that you would like intercourse to last longer, but it's also finding a different way to talk about and approach your orgasm. So she sort of mentions, you know, yeah, we do the foreplay thing, But I think you could probably get a lot more enjoyment out of foreplay, where maybe you say, you know, I would love to have an orgasm before we move on to intercourse. Or, I love when you make me orgasm with your hands or when you watch me use my hands on myself. So prioritizing her orgasm a little bit more, or also, like, during intercourse, saying something like, you know what I think is really hot during intercourse, When I touch myself as you're inside of me, or you touch me, or you use a toy on me, or we take breaks from intercourse and you go down on me, or you use a toy on me, whatever it is.

Yeah, I think that's a really important one, because I think foreplay is kind of a misnomer. Like, the word implies that it happens before something else. But in reality, there's no reason why you can't take little breaks or, you know, it doesn't have to be this linear thing. Like, we go from here to here to here.

Yeah. This idea of taking breaks in the middle of intercourse is a great way to extend intercourse, too, because it gives him a chance to take a little bit of a breather, cool back down, get, you know, further away from his orgasm. But it also gives you a chance to get more of that stimulation that you need to reach orgasm. Yeah.

Yeah.

So I think another thing that came to me as I was reading that is obviously talking about premature ejaculation is a really sensitive issue. We want to be super careful how we're bringing it up. But she mentions that since they had a baby two years ago, sex has been blah, and there hasn't been room and not much of it. So I think that might be a great way to introduce this, to start talking about having, you know, just having more conversations about their sex life is to sort of see, you know, hey, I know the last two years have been pretty rough for us. We just had a baby. All of our energy is going there. We're pretty tired and exhausted and all of that. But I want to make sure that we keep prioritizing our marriage, and we. And our sex life and our sex life and making that time and that space for each other. So you're not even, you know, going in at him. I'm like, you're not lasting long enough. It's more like this kind of teamwork conversation about, hey, our life is crazy. We got a kid, and all this, but how do we keep working on our sex life so that it feels really great.

Yeah. Because, like, I can also see a completely alternate scenario where he could be thinking, like, okay, we had a baby. You know, the time that we're, like, together, we're having sex is, like, time away from the baby. Like, we don't have very much time. Things are really busy. Like. Like, we want to, like, I, like, like, oh, she's just doing this for my sake. Like, I'm trying to be really quick.

So he might. He might be thinking he's actually doing her a favor by making it quick.

Yeah, I mean, it's. I mean, I think that's why it's important to have that conversation about, like, just kind of re. Emphasizing the importance of your sex life and what it is you're trying to get out of it. Because it is totally possible that he maybe just got the wrong idea. Something, you know, right after having. You know, I know like, a lot of men talk about immediately after, you know, having a baby for the first time. Like, when do you start having sex again and it feeling like something that he really wants but she's not ready for.

Yeah.

And so I can. I can see a scenario where you, you know, kind of ease back into starting to have sex, and you, as the man, are feeling like, oh, well, she doesn't really want this. She's just, like, doing this for me. And so then you start being like, okay, well, I'll just try to be really quick. And if you've never talked about it before and you just kind of leave it unsaid, he might be thinking, oh, well, she didn't say anything, so this must really be what she wants. I could see it going, but, like, that's just what happens if you don't. When you don't talk about things, you make assumptions. Yeah, you start to make assumptions. And so, like, he's making assumptions each time it happens that reinforce themselves. Reinforcement, you know, the assumption. And then she may be making the same thing each time where it's like, I'm not getting what I want. He's not giving me what I want. He must not care. So I can see it just on both sides. They're kind of just going in totally opposite directions unknowingly, and they don't even want. Like, they really do want to be on the same team.

Yeah. This happens so often where because a couple is not talking about it, they each have these different assumptions, different stories in their head, and they just keep playing, plowing along down the road with their story. And you're growing, you know, the stories are growing further and further apart. So we know that it's really hard to talk about sex. We've struggled with this in our own marriage, but we've also seen time and time again in our relationship, in countless other relationships, that when you talk about what's really going on between the two of you, it just opens up so much space for change. So that's definitely having a conversation about it in a really gentle, loving way, recognizing that you're both probably doing your best for each other and trying to show up for each other. I think that is the ticket to getting back into a good place with your sex life. Okay, well, we hope that this has helped. Please feel free to shoot us a question if you want us to answer your question in our next reader's request video.

See you next time. Bye.