Reader Request Fridays #3

Hello, and welcome to Reader's Request Fridays.

Hello.

We are a very short person and a very tall person just hanging out and answering your questions about sex and relationships. So here is today's question. How do I change my husband's foreplay routine? It does not stimulate me, and if anything, it turns me off.

All right, so. So I think the first thing is kind of rearranging the language a little bit. So when you say my husband's foreplay routine, that kind of puts all the pressure on him to be responsible for foreplay, when in reality, what you guys do leading up to sex is what you guys do together. It's a joint activity. And so, yeah, it's like the responsibility of both of you. So I think first thinking about it in those terms and thinking about, hey, what can we do together? Maybe things that he is doing you're not enjoying, but there are also things that you can do, which we'll talk about, that can improve things. So I think that, first of all, just think about it as, what can we do together?

Yeah. So it sounds like there are specific things that you're not really enjoying about what he's currently doing. So what I would suggest is to take a little bit of time to think about what are those specific things that are not working for you? And for each of those things, can you come up with some sort of alternative thing that you would like to try with him? So keyword, there is try. The idea is not that you are going to have this immediate idea of what you want him to do instead, and you're going to know that you'll absolutely, positively, 1000% love it. The idea is instead just coming up with a thought, something that you could try, something that you're a little bit curious about, something. So, for example, maybe one of the things that you don't really like is that he speeds his way right through foreplay. Maybe foreplay is actually like two minutes of making out or something like that.

Probably a common complaint.

A common complaint, yes. So maybe one of the things that you would like to try is spending a little bit more time on foreplay. So that could be something specific that you could suggest to him.

Yeah. So if and when you come up with this list, and maybe you already have it, which is great. I think the key thing is don't deliver this as a laundry list of like, okay, you know what? Stop right there. We need to do this thing different. This thing different. This thing different. I would try to pick out one at a time and try to at least at first, just ease them into the conversation. So pick, like, the first sort of request or desired change or whatever.

Yeah. I would pick something that starts really small and manageable. Like, I would like for you to try giving me a back rub. Or I would like for us to, like, spend a little more time making out. So don't go for something right away that, like, feels really big and really different from what you've been doing. Go with something that feels very small and manageable.

Yeah. So go with that thing. And, you know, try to make that suggestion either in the moment or have a discussion before. And maybe you can talk about some suggestions in a minute for how to ask for that. Sure. But, yeah, so pick that thing. Make that suggestion. And if it is great for you, because it doesn't have to be great, and if it's not, you can move on to the next thing. But if it does work really well for you and it is really good, then try to give him some really positive feedback to sort of create a positive feedback loop. So this new thing keeps happening. So be like, hey, that was so hot. That was great. I didn't know if I was gonna. I didn't know I was gonna like this so much. Like, let's do this again. Or I would love to work this into our regular thing. Or I would love for. For you to do this more for me.

Yeah. I think that language that you just used, but, like, I didn't know I was gonna like it. I didn't think I was gonna like it. That's such a great trick to use.

Well, I think Ella's gonna like it so much.

Yeah. Because I think a lot of times when we're giving our partners feedback, we get worried that what our partner's gonna hear is, you're terrible. I hate everything that you're doing. I don't wanna be having sex with you. And that maybe they get paranoid about. Oh, there were all these things that my partner was wanting me to do that they never told me. So I've been fumbling around in the dark, doing all these things that actually my. So just that tiny little shift in the language of. I didn't realize I was gonna like that so much. That can make it feel much better for your partner to get that feedback. They're like, oh, yeah, I surprised my partner rather than, oh, I finally, like, sort of lived up to snuff.

Yeah.

Yeah. So I think that can also work well kind of on the other piece of it, which is making that initial request. So in general, when we're Giving our partners feedback. We want to think about it in terms of making requests, making suggestions, rather than giving negative feedb. So like, how would you feel if I just said you're terrible at foreplay? Nothing you do turns me on and actually it actively turns me off.

That would suck. That would make me feel like I was not doing a very good job, that I maybe wasn't a very good partner for you. And it might actually make me feel like I didn't really want to. It wouldn't make me look forward to foreplay.

Yeah, exactly. So I think that's kind of a no brainer. No one wants to hear stuff framed in that way. So instead we want to frame it as ideas, curiosities, and we can use that same sort of topic about not really knowing beforehand if you're going to like something. So I think that helps because it frees us up. Like if I feel like I have to make a request of you, sometimes I can get some pressure in my head of thinking like, oh, if I'm going to ask him to do that, I better like it. And that can feel overwhelming. Like, well, I don't know if I like it. I've never tried it before. But if we sort of think about it as what's something that I'm just curious about trying. I don't know, but I'm curious about trying it. That can open up a lot of space for us internally. And then if we share it with our partner in that way, that sounds a lot more tempting to them too. So instead of, you know, you never kiss my neck, God, please do it for once. It might be something like, you know, I love the way that you kiss me. I wonder what it would be like to have you spend some time just really going down my entire neck and just covering it in kisses.

Yeah. Yeah, I think, I think that's a great idea because. Yeah, I mean, you want it, you want your partner to receive it in a positive way and not have it be like a comparative thing. Like, oh, she wants this but not that, or like, I'm not doing this. Well, you know, at least at first to try to, you know, to try to open up the, the conversation and start kind of changing things in a slow way.

Yeah. And when making a request like that and like sharing something that you're curious about or open to, you can also try framing it as a compliment to your partner. So I sort of did it in that example of saying, you know, I love the way that you kiss me. I wonder what it would be like to have you kiss me here. So you're giving your partner compliments. You're telling them things that you really enjoy that they're already doing, and a little compliment sandwich where you kind of, you know, give the compliment, make some sort of request or idea, and then another compliment as well. So for some people, I know that maybe there's not a ton of things your partner does that you actually do enjoy, but just take the time to find something. So I think anyone can find something really small. Maybe it's just, you know, the way that you hold me or the way that you look in my eyes or even just the connection that I feel to you. But giving your partner some sort of compliment, praise, positive feedback is going to make it so much more just great for them to receive that feedback, that other request that you want to make.

Yeah.

Cool.

Yeah.

Any other ideas?

I think that's pretty good. I think that's a good way to start. I think we could do a whole other video about what to do if you are consistently making requests and they're kind of going unheeded or unheard.

Yeah. But give these tips a shot at first, see how it goes, and report it back to us. All right, so this has been another edition of Reader Request Fridays. We are still taking your questions, so don't hesitate. Yeah. To reach out to infontherapy.com make sure to subscribe. So you see the next time we release a video. And we look forward to sharing more answers with you soon.

Yeah.

Bye.