Reader Request Fridays #4

Hello, and welcome back to another edition of Reader Request Fridays.

Hello.

So here is our question of the week. My partner and I have been together for four years, so sex has obviously slowed down. However, we both somehow feel embarrassed and a lot of pressure over initiating. Now sometimes I'd just rather not do it than even attempt or try. How can we stop feeling embarrassed or ashamed about initiating sexual. We used to be fine. All right, so what are your thoughts on this one?

I think this is probably something that a lot of people experience when it comes to. After a number of years, what used to be super frequent starts to kind of dwindle a bit. The frequency goes down. And, yeah, if you're not. If you're not talking about that or you're not kind of in communication about that, you. It can feel really difficult once you kind of realize that things have changed a lot to know how to bring that up in a way that feels comfortable.

Yeah, I mean, I think there are kind of a couple of different issues that are getting wrapped up in here. So one, they're saying that sex is slowing down a lot, and I think that's making the initiating feel more awkward. So I think the longer time goes by in between when you're having sex, the more awkward it feels to kind of say, like, hey, so that thing that we haven't done for, like, six weeks, do you want to do it? So I think that it's kind of like a muscle.

Yeah, it's sort of like a muscle. Like, yeah, like, if you. If you are not very fit or you, like, don't go to the gym very much. And then out of nowhere, you and your friends are like, hey, let's go on this super strenuous hike. Like that. That would be kind of weird. Like, it kind of comes out of nowhere. It's not something you're used to doing, and your body's not going to be used to it either, and it's probably going to be a slightly awkward experience. Your friends might be like, what? Like, why are you. Why are you suggesting a hike? Like, we never do this. So I think it can be the same with sex. So if you think about, you know, if you think of it like a muscle, you know, you got to develop that muscle, and you gotta. You gotta work that muscle out so that it is, you know, strong and, you know, used to doing that activity frequently.

Yeah. So I think one thing that I want to say about this, though, is that initiating sex is always kind of awkward. I mean, it always feels vulnerable. It always feels a little Strange. Even if you and your partner are in a really good place and having sex frequently, it's still just vulnerable to put yourself out there to ask for what you want, and you put yourself in a position to be turned down.

Yeah.

So I think that's something really important to recognize that it's not that the goal is ever going to be that you'll feel 100% confident and amazing whenever you initiate. Always going to be a little awkward. And that's okay.

Yeah. Yeah, definitely. So, yeah. So we talked about kind of how it's like a muscle, and so one thing that you can do is work on, okay, like, how do we exercise that muscle? How do we have sex more frequently? So we have a few good tips for that. One of the tips that Vanessa and I love to give is scheduling sex. That's a great way to kind of set up, you know, what is the amount of sex that we would like to be having. And let's make a plan for it. And it can be done in a variety of ways, but in this case, it sounds like the reader and the partner are probably both on the same page about how much sex they want to be having. So possibly they just have a conversation about that, decide, okay, we want to aim for twice a week, once a week, whatever it is, and then maybe kind of split up responsibility so that they switch off kind of being the one to initiate in any given time.

Yeah. I mean, just kind of taking a step back with scheduling sex. Yeah. That's an idea that we really like. I know that a lot of people think that scheduling sex is this awful thing that you only have to do if your sex life is terrible, But I think it's all about the right way to schedule sex. So maybe we need to make a different video about that. But you can definitely schedule sex and make it still feel fun and exciting. And it just keeps that inertia going with your sex life so that you. You guys have that momentum. It feels easier to just kind of, once you're going, you just keep going. And like you were saying, yeah, splitting up, the initiation. So you kind of say, let's just pick. If you say you're going to have sex twice a week, maybe it's, I'll always initiate on Tuesdays, you always initiate on Fridays. And that way you each feel like you're kind of dividing up responsibility. But before we even get to ideas about, you know, how to make it less awkward, I would go back to just having a conversation with your partner where you set like, hey, so I've noticed. I don't know if you're feeling this, but I've noticed I feel kind of awkward initiating sex now. And I know that it didn't used to be that way between the two of us. So I'm not sure when this started or why it started.

It's not something that I want. Something that I have realized is happening, though.

Yeah. So I think just again, like, acknowledging it's awkward for all of us. And sometimes when we just take those awkward things out of the shadows and bring them up to the light and say, like, hey, I'm feeling this. Are you feeling that too? It can really make it feel so much easier in a relationship. So I would definitely suggest having a conversation like that. See how your partner's feeling if they're on the same page about that. And like you were saying, really making it clear, like, it's not something that I want to feel. And so you could sort of say, you know, I want us to get more comfortable just talking about sex where it's, you know, you're making it even a bigger thing than just, how do I initiate? It's how do we talk about sex more often so that when we want to initiate and it doesn't feel like this weird out of the blue, like, whoa, you're talking about that weird topic that we never talk about.

Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely a lot easier to initiate when you're already really comfortable talking about sex and talking about what you like and what you don't like and what has worked well and whatnot. So that kind of brings us to another. Another suggestion to help kind of get you feeling more comfortable talking about sexual. And that is kind of like the post sex debrief. So after you've just done it is a great time to have a conversation about how things went because you just did it. You're probably in a really good mood. You're in a good mood. You have a pretty good recollection of how things went. And yeah. And so just talking about, it's not about being like, I didn't like this, I didn't like that. It's more about, like, about saying, hey, it was really hot when we did this. I loved it when you, when you did that. Like, it would be so fun to do that more or, you know, doing, you know, oh, we were doing this one position and it made me think like, oh, what if we did this other one that I never tried before? So that can be a really good way to, in a really safe way, start talking about sex in a natural way. Because I can imagine how. How, you know, for the person asking this question, it feels like, God, like, anytime I bring up sex, it's just gonna come out of left field because we're just not having it. So. Yeah. So try to. Try to have those conversations after you've done it.

Yeah. Another good prompt is to ask your partner, what are some of your favorite sexual memories with me? So I think a lot of times people get this idea of, you know, okay, I have to start talking about sex. And we think of only talking about criticism or the things our partner is doing wrong or, you know, requests that we want to make. But it doesn't have to be that. You can have more general and super positive conversations about sex, too. So maybe talking about some of your favorite sexual memories together.

Yeah.

And that way, it just starts to feel like a topic of conversation that's easier, less awkward, Something that you're talking about more frequently.

Yeah. Especially because they mentioned that at the beginning it didn't feel awkward. So there's probably a lot of really positive memories and really fun things that you could talk about. And just kind of bringing that back out into the open is a really good way to kind of make it feel like, oh, yeah, we could do this again. Why not?

Yeah. So another question that you could ask your partner is, what are some of your favorite ways for me to initiate sex? So I would suggest this maybe as one of your later conversations. Don't do it as the very first one. But I really like that question because it hopefully will give you some specific ideas, and I think it really can increase your confidence because, you know, like, my partner has said that they really like it when I initiate in this way.

Yeah.

So if your partner says something like, I like it when you just grab me and throw me into the bedroom, maybe that's not something that you would feel super comfortable doing just on your own. But now that you've just heard it from your partner, you're like, oh, my partner's gonna like that. Okay, I can do it.

Yeah. I think this is a big one in heterosexual relationships because oftentimes, you know, the man and the woman have two very different ways that they, like, themselves, would want to initiate sex, like, if they had their way. And it's easy to forget that your partner may have a different set of things that they like. And so just having that conversation can be a really good way to remind yourself, like, oh, okay, she doesn't actually want the exact same things that I do. So, like, maybe I start with these things that really get her going, and then we can switch over to the stuff that really gets me going or something like that. I just personally have always found it so easy to fall into that trap of, like, you have an idea in your head, and you just kind of assume everyone else thinks the same way, but you never ask them. And then you do ask them, and you're like, oh, my God, I'm a weirdo.

So another thing that you could do is. I'm thinking about now that you just said I'm a weirdo, it made me think, is to sort of build that awkwardness into your initiation. So if you're feeling kind of awkward and like a little weirdo in that moment, it's not like you all of a sudden have to transform yourself into some Casanova and, like, approach your partner with all this confidence and sensuality and all of that. Like, you could tell your partner, okay, I want to do that thing that we were talking about how I feel really awkward doing. Like, that's okay. That could be a fun, playful way.

You can make it funny. It can be an inside joke. Or you could come up with a code word, like a funny code word that means I'm thinking about sex or let's do it. Or like, a hand. Like a subtle hand signal or something like that.

Like, what's the hand signal?

I don't know. I've definitely heard that one specifically from friends. And I always thought it was a little silly, but I.

A little salute or something.

But, yeah, whatever. Like, makes it feel. Feel like kind of less pressure and more fun for you, because, yeah, I think that you can take advantage of the awkwardness. You can really feel into the awkwardness and be like. Cause awkwardness can be funny.

It can be funny. Yeah. We don't always have to be, like, sexy all the time. Like, we can be goofy and playful and awkward and weird, and that can feel just as connecting and wonderful as being super seductive.

We're awkward all the time.

We are very awkward all the time. So, yeah, so that's another great idea is just finding, you know, subtler ways to initiate some sort of signal. A code word, a song that you put on. You know, bring a little bit of your personality into that, and it might feel more comfortable. So those are our suggestions for. For making initiation feel less awkward and for embracing the awkwardness of initiation. So this has been our last video of Readers Request Fridays for the month of October. We were initially thinking about just doing these videos, these four videos in October. But we've been getting so much great feedback that we' thinking maybe we keep making some videos.

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Thanks. Bye.