YouTube video by Vanessa Marin (with partner Xander) advocating for intentionally scheduling sex to improve relationships. They counter the spontaneity myth, explain that early-relationship sex is already planned via dating rituals, and offer six reasons to schedule sex (ensures time together, signals importance, keeps sex top-of-mind, creates anticipation, increases overall spontaneous sex, and enables planned creativity). The video closes by promoting a related masterclass and inviting engagement (comments, likes, subscribe).
Chapters
Maybe I'd start a video like this. Today, we are going to let you in on a little secret.
We've scheduled sex.
Like the penciling it into our calendars, setting reminders on our phone kind of scheduling. And we are going to try to convince you today to also schedule sex.
Hi. Have we met? I'm Xander and this is Vanessa. Vanessa's a sex therapist and we've been together for 13 years.
Going on 14.
Oh, yeah.
And we are here to give you the tools, tips, and techniques that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship. Inside of the bedroom and out. So if that sounds good to you, go ahead and subscribe. Subscribe to our channel.
In this video, we're going to talk about what scheduling sex really is and why you should incorporate scheduled sex into into your life and how to start scheduling it on a regular basis.
So I will be honest. When I first heard about scheduling sex, I was not a fan. I really hated the idea. And I think a lot of people can relate to that. You know, for a lot of us, we think that scheduling sex is like an admission that your sex life is officially dead. So before we get any further, I'm just curious to know.
We need to know.
We need to know. How do you feel about scheduled sexual. So drop us a Y down in the comment box below if you're totally on board. You love the idea of it. And drop us an N down there if you are not a fan.
We're not sure.
Yeah, we're not sure. Again, like, we were not fans of it at all when we first heard about it. So no judgments, just curious to know where everyone's starting from before watching the rest of this video. And the reason that we have such strong feelings about it, that we get so freaked out about it is because we're taught to believe that sex is just supposed to. Supposed to happen spontaneously and naturally, organically. I mean, that's the only way we ever see it on TV or in the movies. Right?
But let me ask you, how often does that actually happen for you? Do you frequently feel the desire for sex and then also have the time, the space, the energy for it at that exact moment? And then does your partner feel that same desire for sex and have the same time, space and energy for it at the exact same time, again, as you? So is spontaneity really working for you? Because we suspect the answer to those questions is probably no or almost. Almost never.
Couples always tell us that sex just felt really spontaneous when they first started dating. And this is one of the Reasons why people don't like the idea of scheduling sex, but gotta share a dirty little secret with you.
Oh, boy.
Sex really was not all that spontaneous at the beginning of your relationship either. Like, when you first start dating somebody, your entire relationship is basically like foreplay. So you're planning dates, right? You're scheduling dates. You have days or weeks at a time where you're, like, building up that anticipation to seeing your partner again when you have that date that night, you might spend hours getting yourself ready, getting all excited, pumped up for your date, and. And then you spend that date, you know, day or an evening together, the anticipations building and building even more. By the time you are finally taking your clothes off, it feels like you're practically going to burst with excitement.
Yeah, there's really nothing spontaneous about any of that stuff.
No.
Because, yeah, it's all that effort that makes the sex so much fun. It's all that anticipation, the buildup. That stuff is exciting. And then you finally get to the thing that you've been thinking about, you've been planning for, you've been working so hard for it, and getting there is really satisfying. Right?
So, look, it is perfectly normal to wish that sex, or honestly, anything in life was effortless and easy. It's okay to feel sad or frustrated, even angry that it's not. But don't let this spontaneity myth prevent you from creating a sex life that is actually going to work for you and your relationship.
Yeah. So we've developed some amazing techniques for making scheduled sex feel actually really fun, playful, and, dare I say, sexy. So in case you're feeling a little unsure about this whole scheduling sex thing, then we're going to share a few more reasons why scheduling sex is a really good option for you.
Reason number one, it ensures that you actually have time for each other. Life is busy. If we are not purposeful about the ways that we spend our time, things are just not going to happen. So, for example, like, have you ever had an entire day go by and you get to the end of the day and you're like, what the hell did I do today? Like, where did all of that time go? Scheduling.
Yesterday.
Yeah. Scheduling sex is a way to make sure that you actually carve out time for your partner.
All right? Reason number two is it's a way of showing that sex is important to you. The reality of modern life is that we schedule the things that are important to us. Right?
Say that one again.
The reality of life is we schedule important things. So let's say that Your kid has a school play, and you want to be there for it because you're a good parent. Right. You're going to put that in your calendar. Right. You're not going to be like, okay, you know what? Let's just see what happens. Let's see what happens. If it's meant to be, I will show up. No way. If it's that important to you, you're not going to just leave it to chance. Right. Like, you're going to remember it. You're going to put it on your calendar, and you're going to ensure that you block that time out and protect that time because it's important to you.
And you're probably going to feel good about it, too. It's not like, oh, I have to put this play in my calendar and make sure it happens. You're going to feel excited about that scheduling. Yeah.
You're going to put it in and feel proud of your kid. Be excited. Right. Come on. So, you know, if we schedule the things that are important to us, then why should quality time with your partner be any different?
Ooh, I kind of want you to repeat that one again, too, but. All right, reason number three is that it keep keeps sex top of mind. So even if you do have a great sex life, there are still so many other things that are fighting for our attention on a daily basis. But having specific dates that you can look forward to, times that you know you guys are going to spend time together, it really keeps sex in your relationship. Top of mind.
All right. Reason number four is that it gives us something to look forward to. Who doesn't like things to look forward, too, Right. Scheduling sex can help us build a sense of anticipation. Like we mentioned before, you know, all that anticipation is part of what makes dating really fun, right?
Yeah. When you have something on the calendar, you know, to look forward to it. And reason number five is that the more scheduled sex you have, the more spontaneous sex you will have, too. So this is definitely something that happened for us when we've scheduled sex. You know, when we first started scheduling it, we've had periods of our relationship where we've played around with this, and we've definitely had times where scheduled sex was. Was the only sex that we would have for a while. But once we started reconnecting more in and outside of the bedroom, we started craving that connection more and more. There's this kind of inertia that kicks in of once you get going, you just want to keep going. So we would wind up, you know, even in the times that we were scheduling sex, having plenty of sex that was not on the schedule as well.
Reason number six is that sex can be amazing even when it's planned. You can think of exciting new ways to seduce your partner. You can get dolled up or dressed up. You can. You can think of creative new things to try. You can really get yourself turned on. Keep in mind that most pieces of sex advice usually actually involve planned sex. Oh yeah, and it's funny. Cause when we ask people where they got this idea that sex is just supposed to happen or be spontaneous, so many people will say that they got that from like, magazines or articles online. Those are the very same articles and magazines and websites that say things like greet your partner at the door with a trench coat and nothing on underneath, or surprise your partner by drawing them a romantic bath. And these things are not things that just happen spontaneously. Unless you happen to walk around your house in a trench coat most of the time spontaneously. You know, all these things require forethought and they require planning and they require effort. So in general, just keep in mind that planning for things does tend to lead to a better experience.
All right, now that you know some of our favorite reasons why you should schedule sex, it's time to actually give it a shot. So we have just the tool to help you out. It is our masterclass called bring your sex life back to life. It's full of tips and tricks. It'll walk you through the step by step process of how to make scheduled sex work for you. We share our own story of how we discovered and experimented with scheduled sex and all the tips that we used to make it feel really fun and exciting instead of something that we have to dread. Like, oh, I have the dentist appointment on my calendar too. So if you're interested in checking that out, we will put a link to the masterclass down in the description box below.
So that wraps up our video on scheduling sex. If you liked it, please give us a like. Better yet, leave us a comment down below. You can also subscribe to our channel and hit that notification bell so you keep getting informed as soon as we post new videos.
Thanks so much for watching.
See you next time. Hi there. Have we met? That was really awkward.
