Self Care In A Relationship - How To Use Self-Care To Improve Your Sex Life And Relationship

So you've been hearing about self care for a very long time. It's not like it's some hot new trend that just appeared on the scene, Right? So most of us have a pretty good idea of what self care is supposed to be like. Doing nice things for yourself. Right. But so many of us struggle to actually do it. So even though it's supposed to be relaxing and feel good, it often winds up feeling surprisingly overwhelming to commit and stick to an ongoing self care routine. We think that you deserve to take great care of yourself. So we're gonna turn what you thought was self care on its head in a good way. Hey, there we are. Vanessa and Xander Marin. We're a married couple. We've been together since 2007, and we are here to give you the tools that you need to create an extraordinary relationship. Inside of the bedroom and out. So I'm a licensed psychotherapist. I specialize in sex and relationships.

And.

And I've spent the last 15 years working with thousands of people. I've also been a featured expert for major magazines and websites like the New York Times, oh, the Oprah Magazine, Real simple, and many more.

And I'm her husband, who used to work a pretty normal job in the tech world. But I wasn't feeling very fulfilled, and I was seeing Vanessa making such an impact with her work, so I decided to join her so we could reach even more people. Being married to a sex therapist definitely has its perks, and I think I have some pretty good insight into what does and doesn't work in relationships. Plus, I just like sharing stories from our own lives that might help you guys.

So in this video, we're going to reveal what we think self care is, why it's so important, and how self care is actually the key to a healthier relationship and sex life.

After watching this video, you'll have tons of tools in your tool belt. Plus plus the motivation to finally put those self care tools to good use. If you have a hard time showing yourself the same grace and compassion that you show others, and if you're longing for a stronger relationship and a hotter sex life, who isn't? Yeah, this video is definitely for you.

All right, so let's start with what we think self care actually is. So to us, self care is taking the time to treat yourself kindly and generously. It means honoring your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health on any given day. It means consciously setting the intention to prioritize yourself, and it's a reflection of the value that you place on yourself.

Self Care behaviors can range from very small, like getting a really good cup of coffee, to really big, like deciding to make a career change. Self care looks different for everyone, and it can look different from day to day for the same person.

Even so, for me, self care is weightlifting five days a week, self spending plenty of time cuddling our pugs, making and savoring beautiful meals with local produce. My favorite part, the eating part, reading nonfiction books and planning date nights with Sandra.

Oh, that's sweet. And for me, self care means going surfing a few times a week and taking my time with my morning routine, spending some time vegging out, watching surf vlogs, DJing and, and cooking.

And let's talk about what self care isn't. So here are the top six myths about self care.

Self care is selfish.

Nope. Self care is just about recognizing that you're a human being and you deserve kindness, care, energy, time and attention.

Self care is indulgent.

Really, the only true necessities in life are food and water. But we think that you deserve so much more than just the bare basics.

Yeah, not like all self care is extremely, you know, only very certain types of self care perhaps qualify as that. So, okay, the other one is self care involves spending a lot of money.

So many self care habits involve spending very little or even no money whatsoever.

I think this goes along with the indulgent one because like, you could spend a lot of money and do something really indulgent, but you could also do something really, really low budget that really is great for you and doesn't cost very much and is not indulgent at all. And self care is something that you do only every once in a while.

So we think that it's far more effective to do smaller things for yourself on a daily basis than to do these big elaborate things every once in a while.

Self care takes up a lot of time.

Nope. You can practice good self care in just a few minutes a day.

Yeah, like a little meditation or something. Self care is doing whatever you want to do, regardless of the consequences.

This is one that I think comes up a lot. So I'll say for myself, like, yeah, there are days where I feel like doing nothing except lying in bed watching a trashy Real Housewives marathon, eating an entire pizza. And I definitely will let myself indulge sometimes. But I also recognize that self care is not just about doing whatever the hell I feel like doing. It's about taking good care of myself. So sometimes that's not even particularly enjoyable. Like maybe it's needing to have a Hard conversation with a friend or saying no to Xander or scheduling my dentist appointment. But all of those things really qualify as taking good care of myself.

Yeah. And I think one of the traps that people can fall into is they think, oh, you know, if I do this self care activity once, like, I'm just gonna sit on the couch today and eat pizza. Then all of a sudden, you're gonna do that every single day, and you're just gonna completely change your life, which. Which is not really what anybody does. You probably already know that self care has a lot of personal benefits. Here's just a few of those.

It keeps you healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally.

It helps you relax.

It increases your patience.

It actually makes you more productive.

It recharges you and gives you more energy.

It helps you sleep better.

It prevents burnout.

It relieves stress.

It increases your confidence and self worth.

And it helps you focus on what's truly important to you.

But what we really want to focus on in this video is the fact that self care also has a lot of amazing benefits for your relationship and your sex life. So we know without a doubt that our relationship would not be nearly as strong as it is without both of us making the time for our own self care.

Yeah. In fact, we've struggled with self care during quarantine, and our relationship has suffered because of it. For example, I went through a tough few weeks where I was feeling pretty low, honestly, and I just didn't want to do anything. Even the things that normally make me happy, like going surfing, just wasn't doing it for me. So I just wasn't going surfing. I thought that I only had the energy to get through basic tasks of the day. I felt like I didn't have anything left to take care of myself. I fell for that same trap of thinking that self care was indulgent or a luxury or I didn't deserve deserve it. So after a couple weeks, I noticed that my mood was getting even worse. I was lethargic. I was getting less work done and having even less time with Vanessa. I didn't even have much to say when Vanessa would try to have a conversation with me. I'm sad to say, I noticed that she was starting to feel frustrated with me too, because. And because our connection was really suffering. There was just no life in our relationship. Fortunately, Vanessa was able to gently point out to me that I hadn't been doing anything for myself, and she encouraged me to get back into surfing. I'll be honest, I resisted the suggestion for a little while, and I got into an even darker hole. But I finally got to the point where I realized I wasn't taking care of myself and it was affecting everything and everyone around me. So slowly but surely, I started getting back into my regular routine. And of course, my mood started to drastically improve.

Shocker.

I know. Big shocker. Looking back. So believe me, I know how easy it is to feel like you just don't have the time or the energy for self care. But I can honestly tell you that the times when you feel like you don't have the time or energy for self care are the times when you need it the most.

Oh, yeah. So here are some of the many ways that self care can benefit your relationship.

It helps you become a full and happy person, which is going to attract the same kind of thing in a partner.

It helps you understand your needs, which you can then share with your partner. And it also helps you recognize that your needs are valuable and important, which can make you feel more comfortable asking your partner for what you need, both inside and outside of the bedroom.

Yeah. I think there's this myth oftentimes that like in a successful partnership, everyone, each party is giving up all of this stuff. And I don't think it has to be like that. It also gives you the energy to take care of your partner and their needs.

It helps you develop a better relationship with your body, which could make you more comfortable getting naked with your partner.

Yep. It gives you the strength to deal with challenging times.

It increases your sexual desire and your physical attraction.

It helps you maintain your individuality in your relationship, which can really help keep the spark alive.

Yeah. I think that oftentimes, like, if we are exploring different kinds of self care, like, it ends up exposing you to new experiences. And then you get to like, bring that back into your relationship. And even if it's something that your partner doesn't want to do on their own, like, it just still feels like there's this freshness and newness in your relationship. Taking good care of yourself also can inspire your partner to take good care of themselves. So I've had to learn the hard way that I can't force Xander to take good care of himself. But when I've been going through really strong periods with my own self care, I know that him being able to see how consistent I'm being can inspire him.

Yeah. Okay, so now let's talk about the biggest challenge that comes up for people actually doing self care. People have a lot of reasons why they don't take good care of themselves. Lack of time, money, resources or even cultural support of the concept of self care. Others may prioritize different activities like work, family obligations, domestic work or childcare.

And many women in particular have a hard time spending time or money on themselves. We've really been taught to be self sacrificed and caregivers and put others needs before our own. So a lot of women feel like any sort of self care is very selfish, like there's something better that we could be doing and so many of us simply just don't do it even if we do have the time, space or the resources for it.

We could give you all the reasons in the world why you should make time for self care, but at the end of the day we can't be the ones to push you into actually doing it.

Instead we want to offer you some suggestions for simple ways to take care of yourself. So we have A list of 40 self care ideas to inspire you. So hopefully something on this list will motivate you to make a little time to treat yourself well because again we really think that you deserve it.

1. Get a massage. Ask your partner for a massage or spend time doing a little self massage.

Number 2. Take a nap.

3. Have a long phone call with a friend.

Number 4. Have sex. Oh yeah. Sex can be self care.

5. Or masturbate.

Number 6. Call in sick to work and spend the day doing what you actually feel like doing.

Don't tell them we told you that.

Yes, please don't.

7. Do a random act of kindness for a stranger.

8. Spend time outdoors.

9. Go to a movie by yourself.

10. Declutter your room.

11. Take a bath or a long shower. I like doing that.

Oh yeah. 12. Buy yourself a gift. It does not have to be anything big. Could just be a little tiny thing.

13. Speak kindly to yourself.

14. Take yourself out to dinner.

15. Touch yourself gently.

16. Create some positive affirmations for yourself.

17. Watch a guilty pleasure TV show. I know, we love that.

Oh yeah.

18.

Sit alone in a quiet room Sometimes that's all you need.

Oh yeah. 19. Lounge around in your bathrobe.

20. Attend a community meeting.

21. Give yourself grace and compassion when you make a mistake.

22. Eat your fruits and vegetables. Maybe from your local farmer's market.

Thanks mom. 23. Take a class in something that's always interested you.

24. Go to a spiritual or religious event.

25. Give yourself five.

Compliments 26. Sit in the sun and feel the warmth on your skin.

Sounds nice. 27. Work out.

28. Dance.

29. Prepare yourself an elaborate meal. That's what Vanessa does.

Oh yeah. 30. Read a book.

That's also what Vanessa does. 31. Write in a journal.

32. Sing in the shower.

33. Light good smelling candles. 34.

Make yourself a cup of tea.

That always helps. 35. Put on your snuggliest, most comfortable clothes.

I love that one. 36. Say no to something.

37. Go to a therapy session.

38. Listen to your favorite music.

39. Make a Google Doc where you write down kind things about yourself and number 40.

You can even make a Google Doc of your favorite self care activities and you can even group them by which activities work best in different situations.

Finally, we're gonna leave you with four specific steps for taking action.

First, get your partner involved. So rewatch this video together and have a conversation about how you think self care could impact your relationship.

Second, make a specific plan for your individual self care together. Choose a few of our self care activities that sound good to you or come up with some of your own. Then make a specific plan for doing some form of self care every day for the next week starting today. Not tomorrow, not next week. Today. The faster you take action the better. Just to get some momentum going, we encourage you to keep it simple. So so many people think that self care needs to be elaborate, but oftentimes the smallest actions can make the biggest difference. Again, the key here is you actively plan. Not something that you just rely on to magically happen because it's not. Add it to your calendar. Tell your partner that you're going to do it, whatever you need to do to set yourself up for success.

Third, when you do your self care activity, actually take a moment to tell yourself I'm doing this to take great care of myself. So just that simple sentence can have a huge effect and can make your actions feel so much more meaningful. It just sets you up to be more mindful and present so that you actually enjoy your self care.

And fourth, keep talking about self care with your partner. The more you're able to support each other and taking great care of yourselves, the bigger the impact on your relationship. So that wraps up our video about self care. If you like this video, please give it a like or better yet comment down below about which of these tips you're gonna try out. We'd love to know what your go to self care activities are.

There are so many different ideas so drop a few of your favorites down.

In the comments and definitely make sure to hit the red button to subscribe to our channel and hit the notification icon so that you're always getting these videos as soon as soon as they come out.

And we have a little gift for you too. If you want to get to know yourself even better. You're definitely going to want to check out our free quiz. What's your sex personality type? So this quiz will reveal the 11 sex personality types that I developed and will give you information on exactly what you need. And like in the bedroom, you'll find the link to that quiz down in the description box below. Thanks for watching.

See you next time.

And savoring beautiful meals full with. Sorry, full blood.