Vanessa and Zander Marin explore why about 1 in 4 couples sleep separately, and how it can actually help relationships. Better sleep reduces resentment and preserves desire. They share practical ways to maintain intimacy when sleeping apart, from scheduling sex to swapping bedrooms.
Questions this video answers
About one in every four couples sleeps in separate beds or separate bedrooms.
About 70 million Americans.
13 years.
July 13, 2021.
Chapters
I need to start a video later. Can you have a happy, healthy, thriving sex life, but sleep in separate beds or bedrooms?
That's the million dollar question.
A 2017 Sleep foundation study found that one in every four couples sleeps in separate beds or separate bedrooms. I was actually pretty surprised by just how high that statistic was.
Well, you shouldn't be too surprised because.
Xander and I are one of those couples. Sort of. Kind of. So we actually sleep in separate beds, but the beds are pushed together.
Yeah, there's some semantics here. We do have a single bed frame. We have two mattresses. So it really is sorta.
Yeah. So we first started sleeping this way when we lived in Germany for a few years. And we really fell in love with it because Xander is a little bit of a nighttime thrasher, blanket stealer, general unpleasant person to sleep next to. So we discovered that when we had separate beds, separate blankets, everything, it actually helped both of us sleep so much better.
Yeah, this is actually a pretty common arrangement in Germany and I guess some other European countries as well.
So we kind of understand this a little bit. But what about the couples who sleep in completely separate beds on other sides of the room or completely separate bedrooms?
The.
So today we are diving into this topic.
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All right, so here's the deal. People tend to think that separate beds while in a relationship means that you're on your way to breaking up or divorce. Yeah.
Like, it's like they're sleeping in separate beds now.
Yeah. So there's even a term for this phenomenon. It's called sleep divorce. And it has such a negative connotation. It's really no wonder that people look down on this concept of sleeping separately. But the truth is that quality and quantity of sleep can have a huge impact on your sex life because sleep regulates our hormones. So when we don't get enough high quality sleep, our sex hormones drop and Our stress hormones rise, which leads to a decreased libido. Surprise, surprise.
And also, not to mention the fact that if you or your partner are sleep deprived, cranky, grumpy, being kind of rude to each other, like, you're not going to be interested in having sex with each other. Right?
Yeah. And plus, According to the CDC, about 70 million Americans suffer from chronic sleep problems.
That's another pretty shocking statistic. It's a lot of Americans.
Yeah. So, you know, why make that worse? All right, so now we're going to talk about why sleeping in separate beds can actually be a good thing for your relationship.
First up, logistics. So there are plenty of health, work, or lifestyle situations that make sleeping together really difficult or actually even impossible. So there's co sleeping, there's different work schedules. Night sweats. Snoring used to be an issue. Kicking also used to be an issue. Sleep was also sometimes an issue. CPAP machines and wedge pillows for acid reflux or gerd.
Then there are personality differences. Some people are naturally more night owls. Some people are naturally early risers. So sleeping in separate rooms can allow each individual to listen to their own body's natural inclination, their own body clock, and not really kind of sacrifice what feels natural and good for them, which.
Kind of leads us into our next one, which is resentment. So it is really easy for resentment to build when one partner can't sleep and the other can. I know. I definitely went through that myself when, you know, there were times that you'd keep me up, stealing the blankets or kicking me at night. It was just so easy for it to lead to really negative feelings that just throw off your entire day.
Yeah. So then there's better communication and conflict resolution because lack of sleep impairs emotional regulation and your cognitive function function. So you literally cannot think or communicate very well when you're not sleeping well. You might find that you're arguing about what feels like really stupid stuff when you look back on it, or you don't even remember, like, what are we even arguing about?
Yeah. It's kind of like when couples have arguments when they're drunk and they don't even remember what they were fighting about the next day. It's like you're so sleep deprived that you don't even remember what you're fighting about.
Yeah.
So sleeping separately can also create the opportunity to be more intentional about having a healthy and thriving sex life. So it alleviates this pressure that so many couples feel to have sex at the end of the night simply because, like, you're in bed together. It's the end of the night. That's when we think sex is supposed to happen. So instead, if you sleep separately, you get to decide when to have sex, rather than just kind of defaulting to it. You get to decide what feels right for us, when do we feel excited about doing it. You get to kind of create your own sex life.
Life. Yeah. Don't wait for it to happen. Make it happen. So it's also an act of self care, you know, if you feel like you need to sleep separately. And that way, you know, you can each feel like you can both show up as your best selves, best rested selves.
And finally, we just want to point out, like, make your own damn relationship rules. Like, yeah, we have this idea of like, a couple is supposed to go to bed together and sleep together. But if that doesn't work for your lifestyle, for your relationship, who cares? You don't need to do that.
So.
So there's nobody, like, there's no sleep police enforcing that you have to sleep in the same bedroom. And also, I think it's important to note that it's not that you're not gonna spend any time together or have any intimacy. It's just you're not gonna be in the same bed sleeping. You're not even awake at that time. So it doesn't really.
It's not quality time.
Yeah, exactly. You're not even conscious.
All right, so let's talk a little bit now about how to keep things spicy in the bedroom if you are not sharing a bed or a bedroom. So. So one idea is start having sex in different areas of the house. And I'll admit it, I really like having sex in the bed. That's just how I feel. But I know I could be more creative with location.
And it doesn't mean you can't ever have sex in bed. Cause you don't share a same bed. But it is an opportunity to be like, a little bit more creative about it. And one particular way that you can do that is by switching having sex in each other's beds or bedrooms. And you can even be really playful with this and say, like, we're gonna have different styles of sex depending on whose bedroom we're in day. So, for example, maybe one partner's bedroom is like the romantic bedroom, and the other partner's bedroom is like the kinky.
Bedroom, bachelor pad, man cave, not very sexy. Don't do that.
So you can just have a lot of fun with this.
Yeah, I think it could also be cute. Like, hey, want to come over for a nightcap, See what happens.
Or an afternoon delight.
Yeah, afternoon delight. Even better. All right, so another tip. Just like that. Have sex at different times of the day. Try the afternoon delight. You know, don't wait until the end of the night when you're crawling into bed, especially crawling into separate beds, because it's just never so good when you're already exhausted and you're thinking about how much or how little sleep you're going to get and weighing, like, okay, do I want to eat into these six hours and get even less? Like, you know, no one wants to be thinking about that.
Another idea, if you are fortunate enough to have a lot of space in your home, is you could dedicate a specific area of the house to have sex, like a guest room or a den that you might have. So.
Or a dungeon.
Oh, yeah. Really lucky.
And our last tip for keeping things spicy is you can try scheduling sex. I know a lot of people worry that this is really unsexy or similar to sleep divorce, that this is only something you do when things are really bad. But this is something that we've done at various times throughout our relationship and marriage, and it works wonders. It really works. It's amazing. It's a way to build excitement and anticipation. Patient. If done in the right way. So if you want to know what is the right way, how do we recommend doing it? We actually have a masterclass all about this, so check out the link in the description for the masterclass on how to schedule sex.
All right, so that wraps up our video on how to keep your sex life spicy, even if you sleep separately.
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