Sex Drive After Baby - The Ultimate Guide To PostPartum Libido

Women are superheroes. They go through hell and back just to birth a child into the world. And yet they never seem to get enough credit for the physical and emotional process of bringing a human to life.

As beautiful as pregnancy and childbirth are, they can also cause a lot of trauma, disconnect and overwhelm. So today we're going to be talking about the havoc that birth can wreak on a woman's sex drive. It can be really, really tough to feel comfortable in a healing body, let alone want to have sex with your partner. But there's good news. With the right information, plenty of time and patience, and so much love and compassion, any new mom can reignite her sex drive and get her sex life back on track. So we are very excited to share with you today our ultimate guide to rediscovering your libido postpartum.

So if you're new here, hello, we're Vanessa and Xander Marin. Vanessa is a sex therapist and we've been together for 13 years.

And we are here to give you tools and tricks for creating a truly extraordinary relationship inside of the bedroom and out. So go ahead and subscribe to our channel right now if you are ready for that.

In this video, we're going to be providing a comprehensive guide for getting your sex drive and sex life back after having a baby. Whether you're a new mom who's struggling to feel at home in her new body or a partner of a new mother who just wants to be as supportive as possible, this video is full of tips and information about the postpartum journey. If you're a new mom or the parent of a small child and you'd love to see more parent focused content, go ahead and leave us a comment down below and let us know that we should keep making these kinds of videos.

Yeah. We are always looking for feedback from you about the kind of content that you want to see.

Yeah.

So let's talk about sex drive.

Okay.

Now women always ask me, why did my sex drive change so much postpartum? And my answer to that is always, because everything changed in your life. So you've just gone through a major life event that frankly is a trauma to your body. Your hormone levels are all over the place and shifting constantly. You're self conscious about your changing body and what it looks like and if you'll ever feel confident in your own skin again. Also, your body probably doesn't feel like it belongs to you anymore and it very well may have not felt like it belongs to you for months and months. You're Stressed and anxious about keeping your baby alive and doing everything right for them, you're exhausted and overwhelmed and seriously lacking sleep. You're adjusting to what it is like to see yourself as a mom and how that fits in with your previously held identity. You're also adjusting to what it's like to be mom and dad or mom and mom instead of just romantic partners. You may still be in physical pain and even afraid of sex, maybe causing even more pain for you. So with all that going on, how could your sex drive not change?

Well, we're here to tell you that all this is completely normal. Actually, let's take the word normal out of here completely because to be perfectly honest, there is no normal when it comes to the postpartum journey.

We kind of hate that word.

Perhaps the most important tip to take away from this video is that it's crucial to go at your own pace and create your own postpartum timeline that feels good to you. No need to stick to arbitrary rules or guidelines. And if you don't like having sex yet, don't force yourself to have sex. If you don't feel like your body is ready for intimacy, then go with that gut instinct over everything else. So now let's get into the ways that you can reignite your sex drive and start building your sex life back.

Alright, Tip number one is to honor your hormones. So I know we talk a lot about how women's hormones are all over the place when they're pregnant, but I think a lot of us don't realize just how all over the place they are. So when a woman is pregnant, did you know that her hormone levels can go up to a thousand times their normal levels?

Wow, I did not know that.

That is quite a lot. Then once a woman gives birth, her hormone levels can come crashing down to menopausal levels.

So?

So the low levels of estrogen associated with this period can result in vaginal dryness and a major lack of sex drive. Okay, so this is basically the body's natural way of ensuring that a new mom takes the time to properly heal and focus on caring for her baby instead of trying to have another one right away. So whether we like it or not, there is a very real biological reason why women's sex drives dip so low after giving birth. Your body does not want you to get pregnant again and go through this whole process when you've got this blood brand new baby that needs you to take care of.

It always goes back to biology.

It does. Your body is smart. Your body knows what it's doing. It's just trying to get you to take care of yourself and your baby.

Okay, so tip two is don't judge yourself for preferring physical contact with your baby over your partner.

This is a good one.

Yeah, so some partners are gonna get confused because mom's paying more attention and prefer spending time with the baby than with them. But there's actually another biological reason behind this one too. Biology really is behind everything. So oxytocin, which is the feel good hormone, it gets released when snuggling and breastfeeding a baby. So during that postpartum stage, it's thought to decrease sexual desire and increase responsiveness to infant stimuli in the brain. And that's why a new mother may be more focused on her baby than her sexual partner. It's basically your body ensuring that you form a connection with your baby. So, so long term for the guys out there, this is probably a good thing. So don't feel bad or judge yourself if your main focus is your baby. That's how it's supposed to be.

Tip number three, Prioritize your own self care. It is so easy as a mom, especially a first time mom, to start directing all of your energy and attention towards your baby. This is completely understandable. But it's also really important to not forget about yourself. You deserve to be a priority too, too. Now, self care is important for so, so, so many reasons, including getting your sex drive back. So in order to feel ready for intimacy, both mentally and physically, you need to be feeling good in your own body and mind first. Now, self care obviously is going to look a lot different at this stage in your life than it may have looked at other stages in your life. But you get to set the rules here. So maybe self care means that you take a quick bath while the baby's asleep. Maybe you ask your partner to make you a bowl of oatmeal while you're breastfeeding. It could also mean just cal calling your mom and asking her, how the hell did you get through all this sleep deprivation? So whatever you need to do to make yourself feel like a priority, to feel like you're taking care of yourself, do it, please. You deserve it.

All right, Tip four is ask for help from your partner too, not just your mom. So many moms wind up feeling like they're the primary parent. While it's true that there are plenty of things only mom can do at this stage, there's nothing worse than feeling like you're bearing the brunt of the work in a relationship. Especially if You've just gone through an incredibly physically traumatic event like birth. So make sure you and your partner communicate clearly about your needs. Keep reminding yourself you deserve to be taken care of too. Ask your partner for help and let them help you. If you feel like your partner isn't helping out as much with duties or isn't offering that spousal support that you need, resentment can start building. And it's nearly impossible to reconnect when you're feeling resentful.

That is oh so true. And I think that tip about, like, allowing your partner to help is such a big one too. It can be one thing to ask for that help, but sometimes we really struggle to allow ourselves to receive it.

Yeah, and resentment can be a really tough thing to come back from when you get really deep into it. So it's really good to try to identify these things early.

Oh, yeah. All right. That brings us to tip number five, which is to expect things to feel different. So postpartum sex is probably not gonna feel great right off the bat. Your body is still healing. Your vagina and your internal organs have literally moved and changed, and your breasts are probably feeling heavy and full. A lot of things are gonna feel different for you now. A lot of women are really shocked by how different sex feels postpartum. So what used to feel really good pre pregnancy may not feel very good anymore. And things that you may not have liked pre pregnancy may actually be the things that are feeling good for you right now. So it's really important for you to be curious with your body and open to things feeling different than they used to before. Now. This isn't all bad news. A lot of women actually enjoy more pleasurable sex after having kids because things have kind of shifted internally and they are more aware of sensations in different areas of their bodies. So it's just really important to go slow, be patient with your body, check in with your body every step of the way, and be open to things feeling different than they used to too.

That's pretty good sex advice postpartum or not. All right, tip number six is screw the six week timeline.

Oh, yes.

Most women, the only guidance they get about sex postpartum from their doctor is that they're medically cleared to start having sex at the six week mark. But that timeline is so arbitrary and it doesn't work for the vast majority of women. Do not feel like the six week timeline is a rule or an obligation. Especially if your body or your mind doesn't feel ready for sex at six weeks. Do not pressure yourself to do it.

Yeah. I cannot tell you how many new moms I hear from who get so upset about this, because that's literally the only information they get. And then they hit that six week and they're like, things did not magically change overnight. What's going on? And I think it also sets the partner up to have unrealistic expectations, too. If all they're thinking is like, oh, six weeks, all right, we're there, you know? So it's just so important to recognize this is a completely arbitrary guideline and it seriously does not work for the vast majority.

It's probably a minimum where a doctor is saying, if you do this before six weeks, you might get hurt and need to come back to me.

Yeah. Okay. Tip number seven, listen to your body. So this one's tied in a lot with that previous one. So the thing about birth is that pain is going to be a given after it, unfortunately. So again, your body has just gone through an incredible stress and it needs time to repair itself. So while you heal, it is so important to listen to your body and to pay attention to any pain that you are experiencing. Now, this is especially true when you're easing back into intimacy. A lot of women pressure themselves to start having intercourse again, especially if they feel like their partner is expecting things to go and they're raring to go. And especially if they've got that six week timeline in their heads. And so a lot of women wind up pushing themselves to have sex. It ends up being unpleasant, uncomfortable, even downright painful. But you never, ever want to push through sexual pain, postpartum or not, you do not deserve to be in pain during sex, and sex should never be painful. I can also practically promise you that your partner does not want you to be in pain either.

No.

So keep telling yourself you deserve to have intercourse that feels pleasurable. Or if intercourse isn't part of your usual sex life, you deserve to have sex that feels pleasurable. Plus, if you push yourself through the pain, your body is gonna start to associate sex with pain. So imagine how harmful this could be to your sex drive. If every time you have sex with a partner, your body associates it with pain, you are never gonna wanna have sex again. Like, your sex drive is just gonna completely tank. So it's really important to honor your body, honor your pain, and be patient with your progress.

All right, tip eight. Lube is your best friend.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. And if it wasn't your best friend before, it should be your new best friend. Seriously, do not shy away from using lube it can really help decrease pain and increase sensitivity. And try not to judge yourself for how much lubrication your body is naturally producing, because it's totally normal for women to experience more dryness after giving birth.

This is another tip that works for all women, regardless of if you're postpartum or not. Yeah, I cannot tell you how many women judge themselves for level of lubrication that our bodies produce, but it's just not something that we need to beat ourselves up about. Lube is great for everyone. It makes things feel better for everyone. So just don't beat yourself up about this.

And if you're looking for any recommendations on lube, we will put a few of our favorites down in the description box.

All right, that brings us to tip number nine. Speak kindly to your body. Now, a lot of women really struggle with body image issues. After giving birth. Your body has changed so much. So you. You may have loose skin, stretch marks, scars or squishy bellies, saggy breasts, and you've basically become a human dairy Queen. So, you know, we get it. That's not exactly the recipe to feeling great body confidence. But if you can shift your mindset to a mindset of appreciation for what your body has just been through, what it's just done for you, you may find that your sense of pride is unlike anything that you have ever experienced. So here's a little technique that I like to use. Every morning, I stand naked in front of the mirror, and I shower my body with as many compliments and kind words as I can. Now, some days, this feels really fun and light, and I get to be playful about how much I love her. Other days, this is a struggle. So on those more challenging days, I will apologize to my body for how hard it's feeling to love her. I'll remind her that I live in a society that conditions me to be crazy, cruel, and punishing to her and that sometimes I internalize those lessons. But I tell her that I want to be kind to her. So I think this is such an important message for pregnant and postpartum women is just recognizing it doesn't matter what your body looks like. Your body is beautiful and sexy. With the stretch marks, with the saggy boobs with loose skin, it's just beautiful and sexy just the way that it is. So whatever comes to mind for you during this exercise, just take a few minutes with her. It's a really great way to start rebuild that confidence and that connection with yourself.

Okay. Tip 10 is figure out what puts you into reverse and what puts you into drive? So when we work with sex drive, we like to talk about sex drive as really having two modes, drive and reverse. And the basic idea here is that some things put you into drive, AKA they get you in the mood and they get you excited for sex, while other things put you into reverse, they do the exact opposite. They actually repel you away from the idea of sexual. So the concept here can be really helpful to approaching your sex life after having a baby. If you can hone in on the factors that make you feel at ease, make you feel confident, and make you feel open to intimacy, and the things that get in the way of all of that, you're so much more likely to reignite your sex drive quicker. Try listing things that put you into drive and things that put you into reverse. You may find it easier to start with reverse, actually. So, you know, write down anything that comes to mind, no matter how big or small, and keep returning to that list and adding or removing from it as things change. And then share that list with your partner so they can understand what it takes for you to feel open or more open to sex. And finally, if you're digging this kind of introspective work, we have an awesome guide all about discovering your sex drive type. This guide can be really crucial for couples who feel like they never seem to want sex at the same time, or they feel like there's an imbalance in their level of desire. We'll include a link to the guide in the description box below.

All right, and finally, tip number 11 is that sex can be whatever you want it to be. So at the end of the day, you get to decide what sex looks like in your relationship. So many of us get stuck in these ideas of what we think sex is supposed to be, even if that doesn't sound particularly appealing to us personally. So, for example, a lot of heterosexual couples end up defaulting to intercourse. That's what we think sex is. But the reality is that there are so many other ways to connect sexually. So it can be really, really helpful during this stage of increased stress and decreased sleep to expand your ideas of what sex is and can be. So maybe you're not feeling ready for intercourse, but some making out or some touching and some snuggling sounds kind of good. Maybe you'd be open to watching your partner masturbate or masturbating alongside of them. So let this video serve as a reminder that sex gets to be for you, too. You don't need to pressure yourself to have sex just for your partner's sake. You are also a participant and you deserve pleasure, connection, and joy.

Yeah.

So those are our best tips for women going through the postpartum journey. We really hope that you found this helpful and that you feel inspired and not burdened and by the idea of getting your sex drive back after having your baby.

Now make sure to hit that red button down below to subscribe to our channel. And while you're at it, click the notification bell so you can keep getting these videos as soon as we post them.

And definitely check out all the free resources that we're popping down into the description box below. Thanks so much for watching.

See you next time.

Your sack is not strong. It's like, why are you calling? Why are you saying why does sack up mean.

It's like, grab your knapsack, start walking.

It means your ball sack.

But ball sacks. How do you know?

Very weak. But saying someone is pushing dick up. But dick, dicks, balls. Get into your bed.

No. Go to bed. Go to bed. Baby. Fur child.

Oh, boy. We have a visitor.

Oh, shit. I touched her.