Sex Drive: What's Your Sex Drive Type?

When you hear the words sex drive, libido, or desire, you probably think, just one being in the mood for sex.

But it is a little bit more complex than that. There are actually two completely different sex drive types. And if you want to have an active, exciting, passionate sex life with your partner, it is crucial that both you and your partner understand which type you are. Hey, there we are. Vanessa and Xander Marin. We're a married couple. We've been together since 2007, and it is our mission to equip you with the tools that you need to create an extraordinary relationship. Inside of the bedroom and out. So I'm a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex and relationships. I've worked with thousands of people over the last 15, 20 years, and I've gotten to serve as a featured expert for major magazines and websites like the New York Times, oh, the Oprah Magazine, Real simple, and many more.

And I'm Xander, her husband, who used to work a pretty normal job in the corporate world. But I started seeing the impact that Vanessa was making in her work, and I decided I needed to join her so that we could reach even more people. Along the way, I've picked up some pretty good insight into what does and doesn't make relationships work, plus my own experience. And we just love to share stories from our real life to help you all.

So in this video, we are going to reveal the biggest myth around sex drive and why it is so harmful to your sex life. We're going to discuss those two sex drive types that I mentioned and help you identify exactly which type you are and which type your partner is and how to use the types to your advantage. We're also going to share the number one thing that you can do if you and your partner have different sex drive types, because spoiler alert, you probably do.

I know we do.

We do.

So to help you understand these two different sex drive types, we first need to understand what sex drive even is. So there's two ways that we get turned on and ready for sex. In our heads and in our bodies. So we need that mental desire for sexual and then we also need the physical arousal for it, too.

So let's talk about the mental desire piece of it so we can feel mentally interested in sex. Like it might pop into our head randomly. The idea of it sounds good. Maybe we even start fantasizing about the specifics of what we want to do.

Yeah, but now let's talk about the physical arousal. For people with penises, that means getting an erection and the testicles tightening and lifting. For people with vaginas, this means getting lubricated and getting a rush of blood to the genitals. And for all of us, that means nipples getting hard, heart rate increasing, and breath deepening.

Now, since most people think of desire and arousal as the same thing, they think that both should happen at the exact same time. So all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you should feel mentally interested in sex, and your body should be perfectly ready to have it in that exact instance.

That's how it happens in the movies, right?

It is, unfortunately. But in real life, that is not how it works. So here is where we get into the different sex drive types.

And they are spontaneous and responsive.

So if you're a spontaneous type, you're gonna feel that mental desire first and then the physical arousal second.

And if you're a spontaneous type, you feel the desire for sex at seemingly random points throughout the day. And sometimes you might feel the desire for sex before your body even responds. So that means you're feeling horny, but you don't have an erection or you aren't wet. You're typically the one who initiates sex in your relationship. If you're spontaneous and you tend to want sex more frequently. More frequently than your partner at least seem to. Yeah, you seem to. We'll get into that. And then, yeah, you find that you can feel turned on in a whole lot of different situations.

So spontaneous desire, it's when you feel that mental desire first. You're just going about your day when you realize all of a sudden, like, I'm kind of in the mood. So, like Xander was saying a minute ago, like, when you see sex scenes on TV or in the movies, you are always seeing spontaneous desire. So a couple will all of a sudden get the idea in their heads at the exact same moment. They'll immediately just dash off into the bedroom together.

Responsive desire, though, is the exact opposite of this. So it happens when you get mentally turned on in response to some kind of stimulus.

So your body gets turned on first, then your brain follows.

Yeah. So, like, you might be watching a really hot sex scene in a movie and then notice that you're starting to feel a tingle between your legs, or you might be kissing your partner and start to get wet, or you feel physical arousal first, then you feel that mental desire coming second. So you feel physical arousal first before you feel that mental desire. Sometimes you don't even feel mentally interested in sex until you've had sex and it's over.

Yeah. So you might have a responsive sex drive if you Rarely think about sex if sex doesn't sound tempting until you're already getting started or even in the middle or at the end of it. Sometimes at the end of sex, you might think to yourself, huh, that was really fun. Why don't I crave that more often? That's a classic responsive reaction. You might be responsive if you rarely initiate sex with your partner, because again, it's just not something that mentally comes to mind for you if you seem to want sex with less frequency than your partner, or if it feels like the situation needs to be just right in order for you to feel turned on.

So here's another way to sum up the two types. So, spontaneous desire is feel turned on, then start having sex. Responsive desire is start having sex, then feel turned on. Every person can experience both types of these desires, but most of us tend to fall more in one camp than the other.

And by the way, by sex, we mean any sort of physical interaction with each other, not just intercourse. So in general, men tend to experience spontaneous desire more frequently, whereas women tend to experience responsive desire more frequently. So they've done some research on this, and about 75% of men and 15% of women report that they feel primarily spontaneous desire, whereas about 30% of women and 5% of men report that they feel primarily responsive desire.

And there are a lot of reasons why this is, including the gendered socialization that we all receive around sex. Let's be honest. Men are taught that a real man is supposed to want sex all the time. So that's how we learn to operate. Women are taught that they're not supposed to be overtly sexual, otherwise they'll be labeled as sluts. So they learn how to cloak their desire.

Now, many people will think that spontaneous desire is better than responsive desire because, like we keep saying, that's how we always see it in the media. So if you don't feel that mental desire out of nowhere, you probably think that something is horribly wrong with you. You may think of yourself as being low desire, maybe even no desire, but the reality is that neither type of desire is better or worse than the other. They're just different. So there is a joy to each different sex drive type.

Oh yeah. So the joy to having spontaneous desire is that it can be a lot of fun to just have sex randomly pop into your head. We have so much crap running through our heads on a daily basis. It can just be exciting to have a sexy spot instead of all that work stuff you have to do or whatever it is.

And the joy of having Responsive desire is that it helps you be much more connected to your body. So most of us have pretty negative relationships with our bodies. But a responsive desire invites you to start relating to your body in a totally new way, giving it a lot of love and attention. And of course, each of the two sex drive types has their own challenges.

So in our experience, the spontaneous sex drive types often experience more performance issues than responsive types. Of the challenge is, you know, you can feel that mental interest in sex, but your body doesn't always respond the way you want it to. I know that happens to me sometimes. Spontaneous types often expect that the feeling of mental desire for sex should be enough. And they don't give themselves time to actually get ready for sex. People with penises may have a hard time getting erect. People with vaginas might struggle to get lubricated or have an orgasm. Imagine being turned on and your partner being turned on, but you just can't get an erection or you're dry as a desert. For most people, that's a really humiliating experience. I know from experience, it has been for me in the past, but it shouldn't be humiliating, even though it often feels that way. And this can lead to problems within your relationship too. So if you're with a spontaneous sex drive type and they're not getting an erection or they're not getting wet, you'll probably take it personally. You'll probably worry that your partner's not attracted to you. Or it might even lead to a fight between the two of you, which only tends to make those performance issues get even worse.

Oh yeah. Now let's talk about the challenges that come up for a responsive sex drive type. So if you don't even know that responsive sex drive is a thing, which to be honest, most people do not, both partners in the relationship are going to feel frustrated, sad, or confused that the responsive partner never feels spontaneously turned on out of nowhere. You both might think that the responsive partner rarely or even never wants sex, but that is just not true. A lack of spontaneous desire is not the same thing as having a low libido. It is just a lack of spontaneous desire. But you've got that responsive desire there. This is seriously game changing stuff. So listen up here. Responsive sex drive types are not low desire. They just need to feel physically aroused first and then, then that mental desire will follow. So if you're in the responsive camp, it is not likely that you're going to feel mental desire out of nowhere all the time. It may happen occasionally here and there, but it's Just not your mo. So your desire is going to show itself when you give it something to respond to.

Yep. So if you want to feel more desire on a regular basis, your goal is going to be to find ways to bring more stimuli into your life. And this is really great news because it's something specific that you can do. You don't have to sit around waiting and hoping that that mental desire is just going to pop out of nowhere. You get to focus on bringing more pleasure and sensation into your life. And what's wrong with that? That sounds great.

So most of us spend so much time and energy worrying about our sex drives, worrying if something is broken or horribly wrong with us. Especially if you feel like your sex drive is on the low end or if you never knew that responsive sex drive is a thing. And as a relationship, you've probably spend a lot of energy struggling to stay connected with each other, struggling to have a regular sex life. But once you understand that there are these two different sex drive types and how these sex drive types work, what each type needs, you can take all of that energy that you might have spent feeling anxious or worried or fighting with each other, feeling resentful of each other even, and start actually working on giving your individual sex drives what they need to get fired up. So it's not even that this takes more effort or extra effort. It's like all this effort that you have been, all this energy that you have been spending just worrying and being anxious, just funnel it towards that instead. So this is seriously life changing stuff.

So that wraps up the video on the two sex drive types. If you liked it, please give us a like and comment down below about what your sex drive is or what you think it is and what kind of challenges it gives it poses to you.

Or you can guess which type you think we are.

Oh, interesting. And then, yeah, make sure to hit that red subscribe button to subscribe to our YouTube channel and hit the notification icon so you can keep getting these videos as soon as we post them.

And as always, we have a little gift for you. So if you're digging this kind of information and you want to learn more about your personality type in the bedroom, there's the sex drive type and sex personality types. You're definitely going to want to check out the free guide that we created. What is your sex with personality type? So in this guide there's actually a quiz to help you figure out which type you are. We reveal the 11 different sex personality types, giving you detailed descriptions of each and how they fit together with the other types, so click the link in the description box below to check it out. Thanks so much for watching.

See you next time.

I saw it out of the corner of my eye and I didn't want to stop. What is that?

I think it's a mosquito.

Oh, God.