Sex Life AFTER Kids - Have A Good Sex Life After Children

Did having a kid kill your sex life? It's funny because you have to have sex in order to have a baby, but actually having the baby often leads your sex life to completely disappear.

Ironic. There are so many dynamics that come into play after having a kid. You have less time alone, more stress, less sleep, a different relationship with your body, and a ton of new responsibilities.

Not to mention all of the physical changes that women go through during and after the birth process.

Most parents really struggle with how the heck to rebuild and maintain a healthy sex life after kids. There's no shame in needing a little bit of time to get your sex life back on track, and we're here to help.

Hey, there we are. Vanessa and Xander Marin. We're a married couple, and we've been together since 2006. No, 2007. I don't know where the 2006 came from. Rounding up, adding an extra year. Our mission is to give you the tools that you need to create an extraordinary sex life and relationship. If we haven't met before, I'm Vanessa. I'm a licensed psychotherapist, and I've been specializing in sex and relationship therapy for the last 15 years or so. I've worked with thousands and thousands of people, and I've gotten to serve as a featured expert for major magazines and websites like the New York Times, oh, the Oprah Magazine, Real simple, and many more.

And I'm her husband, Xander. I used to work a pretty normal job in the corporate world, but then I started seeing what kind of impact Vanessa was making with her work, and I decided I needed to join her so. So we could reach even more people. I picked up some pretty good insight along the way into what does and doesn't make relationships work. And I also just love sharing open and honest stories from our life that hopefully can help you all out.

In this video, we are going to reveal Our top 10 tips for parents who are trying to get their sex lives back.

First of all, we have to be super transparent with you. We do not have kids ourselves, and we don't plan on having them. If you're curious on hearing our story about that, we've made an ultra vulnerable video about it, which you can find right here.

But we have worked with thousands of couples around the difficulties of parenthood. We know that it can be tough to have a healthy, thriving sex life and relationship on a normal day. And we understand how adding kids to the mix brings it to a whole new level.

So let's get right into our top 10 tips for parents. Tip number One is, don't wait to work on your sex life. It's really important for all couples to work on their sex lives at all points in their relationship. It's something that we always have to work on prioritizing. So if you happen to be watching this video before having kids, one of the best things that you can do is start talking about how kids will impact your sex life in advance of having them. So watch this video with your partner and acknowledge that having a baby is going to throw a major wrench into your sex life. Brainstorm with each other how you might be able to continue prioritizing each other in your relationship even as things feel chaotic.

We thought that we were gonna have kids for the majority of our relationship, and we did talk about this, and it just felt really nice to get it out in the open and acknowledge, like, yeah, this is something that's gonna be a challenge amongst many other challenges.

Oh, yeah.

So it just makes you feel more prepared going into it. Even though we ultimately decided not to have kids, I still am really grateful that we had those conversations with each other. Okay, so now once you are pregnant and have had kids, you want to keep thinking about your sex life and how you can make the space for each other. It can feel a lot easier to write off sex and intimacy until a later date instead of prioritizing it earlier. So I always work with couples who will say things like, you know, well, I thought we could have sex once I lost all the baby weight or once we got through sleep training. There are all these milestones that we come up with in our heads of, oh, once I hit that, then it'll be fine. But I would really recommend that you don't fall for this type of thinking. Even if you're not open to intercourse or to oral sex or certain positions, there are still ways that you can be intimate with each other. And the reality is, there's never gonna be a perfect time where you're gonna feel fully and completely ready to jump back into your sex life.

Yeah. Those milestones are gonna keep on coming.

Oh, yeah. So then it'll be once he's 18 and moved about. So the sooner you can get back into the swing of things, the better. Even if that just means that you're cuddling naked with your partner or you're taking a relaxing bath together. Now, I also want to say that when you do get back to having sex, keep in mind that it may feel clunky and awkward. That is okay. All couples have clunky and awkward sex from time to time.

Oh, yeah.

So it will get back to normal with a little bit more practice.

Listen to your body. So we want you to keep being thoughtful and deliberate about your sex life, but we want to be careful to make a distinction between putting in emotional effort and putting in physical effort.

Yeah, birth can be a traumatic event for a woman's body, so women need time for their bodies and their minds to heal. You've gone through an enormous life event, so it's okay for your sex life to take a back seat for a while. So you always hear guidelines like wait six weeks postpartum until you have intercourse. But we recommend that every new mom listens to her own body above any of the generic advice that's out there. So at the end of the day, no one else knows what it feels like to be in your own body but you. So if your doctor is telling you that you're cleared to have sex again, but you're feeling swollen or uncomfortable, listen to your body. Now keep in mind that if you do start having penetrative sex again, you may need to ease into things. You want to go slow, use a lot of lube. You're definitely not going to jump into intense rough sex the second that you're clear.

Yeah, it's not going to be just like the way it used to be.

And if you weren't having intense rough sex beforehand, maybe this is not the good time to try it out. So you know, again, go slow. Try some sensual massaging, kissing. Check in with your partner at every step of the way so you're communicating and making sure that you're comfortable. If you do want to have intercourse, go really slow, use a lot of lube and make sure to focus on being comfortable. Don't let yourself, you know, push yourself to get through the pain. If you're feeling any sort of pain or discomfort, definitely don't be afraid to experiment with different kinds of positions to see what works for your body. You will definitely find that some positions feel really uncomfortable and weird and other positions feel great. And if you do have intercourse and you start feeling any sort of discomfort or pain, make sure to listen to your body and stop. Seriously, there is no need to rush back into sex after having a baby. Let your body be your guide and things will naturally fall back into place.

Tip number three is focus on your own self care. As parents, it's really easy to focus all of your energy and attention on taking care of the tiny little human you created. And that's normal. So many parents get wrapped up with being the perfect parent that they totally neglect their own self care.

And women in particular. We are put under so much pressure to be Wonder Woman and do it all and be everything to everyone. And I think this intensifies when you become a mom too. So we really have to be careful and look out for that increased sense of pressure and obligation.

Yeah, that's why it's so important to make space for yourself. You deserve your own care and attention. If you never had a great self care routine before becoming a parent, now is definitely the time to get your practice in place.

Plus, working on your own self care can actually boost your libido. So many people don't think of self care as a way of increasing your libido, but the reality is that your body and your mind will not crave sex if you're exhausted, hungry, burned out, self conscious, overwhelmed, any of those things. So, you know, parenthood is difficult. There is no way around that. But if you can each take the time to care for yourselves as individuals, you are so much more likely to want to have sex.

Tip number four is work together as a team. So if you want to get your sex life back on track, it needs to be a mutual decision that both partners agree to work on together. This tip goes hand in hand with the one before. You can be teammates and support each other in taking great care of yourselves. Maybe one of you can watch the baby while the other takes a bath, calls their mom, goes for a walk around the block, whatever. Support each other in feeling like a normal human being again.

So think about what it means to you to be a teammate with your partner. Does that mean that you wanna share responsibilities evenly? Or does that mean that you want your partner to remind you that you're beautiful even when you have spit up in your hair? Does that mean that you wanna get similar amounts of sleep? Like this is a different question that's gonna mean different things to different couples.

Yeah, there's no one size fits all answer here. So tip number five is keep spending quality time together as a couple. And if you don't start.

Oh yes.

Like we mentioned in the last tip, it's crucial that you and your partner spend quality time as a couple, not just as parents. I think this is a that a lot of parents fall into. So even if it's just five minutes in the morning or evening, try to spend some quality time together. No kids allowed. No talking about the kids either. That's an easy one to forget. Don't go through your schedules, don't plan meals, don't talk about the new diaper bag we want to buy because I know that's real hot. Just focus on being a couple.

Tip number six Talk about your sex life openly. So in order to start making your sex life a priority, you have to be able to talk about sex with your partner. If you've struggled with being open and communicative about sex pre kids, it's even more important that you get comfortable talking about it now that you have had kids.

So yeah, share your emotions, your thoughts and your anxieties about your sex life with your partner. The more your partner understands your mental space, and vice versa, the easier it will be to to find ways to reconnect that are going to feel comfortable and safe for both of you.

Seriously. I found that as long as couples are talking about what's going on between the two of them, their relationship can withstand so much. It's when you're ignoring the elephant in the room or trying to pretend that everything's okay that things start to feel unbearable and resentment builds. And if you are really struggling to bring up sex with your partner, you're definitely going to want to check out our free guide how to start talking about sex with your partner, even if you never have before. We'll leave a link link to the guide in the description box down below.

Okay, Tip number seven is make your bedroom a sanctuary. This is a good one, but this can be tricky if you have a newborn. But it is so important to create a space within your home that feels like a retreat for you. It doesn't even need to be an entire room, but it can be an area of your bedroom, like just your bed or your bathtub if you can carve out a little space that's free of diapers and toys. What you're actually doing is creating a space that you and your partner can be a couple first and then parents second.

Here are some quick tips because we love this tip, even for people who aren't parents. So if you don't have a lock on your bedroom door, install one. Get an ear diffuser or a sound machine for noise privacy or to play some fun little jams for yourselves. Keep the bedroom clean. Invest in cozy linens that you're going to want to cuddle up in. Whatever else you need to make this area of your home feel relaxing, peaceful and ready for connection.

Okay, Tip number eight is touch more throughout the day. Most relationships, whether you have kids or not, are pretty starved of touch. If we're being honest in the beginning of a relationship, usually we can't Keep our hands off of each other. But as time goes by, couples tend to touch each other less and less. And when you have kids, it's really easy to go about your busy day without those small moments of connection between you and your partner.

Plus, a lot of moms in particular report feeling touched out. So you've had this tiny human GR grabbing at you and wanting to be held by you all day long, and you can't stand even the thought of another person wanting to touch your body, too.

But touch is a huge contributor to building attraction and desire throughout the day. And it's one of the main ways we feel close to other people and interested in being even more intimate. So try to spend five minutes a day being physically close with your partner. This can be kissing, hugging each other, cuddling in bed, taking a shower together, et cetera. And if you need a touch break, that's perfectly fine. You can build in a little transition ritual where your partner supports you in getting some alone time, touch free. And then the two of you can come back together. For couples, touch sounds good.

Yeah. Tip number nine, Expand your definition of sex. So if you've watched our videos for a while, you know that this is one of our favorite tips for couples. Most heterosexual couples tend to really overemphasize intercourse. I mean, when we say sex, a lot of us are actually just thinking intercourse. Yeah, but overemphasizing intercourse really sucks the life out of your sex life. So first of all, intercourse is not the most physically pleasurable activity for women. It definitely does not lead to orgasm for the vast majority of ladies. It also puts a lot of pressure on a man because he has to perform in order to do it. And it can even be painful postpartum. It can also get boring and predictable very quickly.

And we know that from experience.

Oh, yes.

So we're huge fans of de emphasizing intercourse and placing more value on all the other amazing options on the menu. You know, you don't want to order the same thing at the restaurant every single time. Maybe some of you, but you know, think about it like that. Try the specials. When you're healing from birth or when you're trying to fit in intimacy around a hectic toddler's schedule. Expanding your definition of sex to include outer course foreplay or even just snuggling, kissing, or taking a bath together. This is going to help you see any type of intimacy as an opportunity for connection.

I actually hate the word foreplay because I think it implies that these are the things that you just do before sex. Usually just for like a minute or two before you get to the real thing. But the reality is you can have an entire evening of foreplay and have fun and feel even more pleasure than you might with intercourse. So definitely not a tip to ignore. And that brings us to our tenth and final tip, which is to schedule sex. Controversial one.

Yeah.

So this tip is probably our number one tip for all couples, regardless of whether you have kids or not. We schedule sex in our own relationship, and we really love it. Scheduling sex and alone time is the absolute best way to ensure that you and your partner continue to prioritize and work on your sex life together.

Don't bank on spontaneity. To rev up your sex life, you gotta be active and intentional about creating the space, the time, and the energy for intimacy.

Now, a lot of people think that scheduling sex is a buzzkill, but the reality is that we schedule the things in life that are important to us, and we really don't think sex should be any different. So making the time to put sex on your calendar, to put quality time together on your calendars, it shows that you value carving out that time for intimacy and it ensures that it will actually happen.

So that wraps up this video on the top 10 things to help get your sex life back after having kids. If you liked it, please give us a like and let us know in the comments down below which tip you're excited to try out. Also, make sure to hit the red button to subscribe to our YouTube channel. And while you're at it, click the notification icon so you keep getting notified whenever we post new videos.

And as always, we have a little gift for you. So if you and your partner are struggling to get your sex life back on track and wondering how you can and spice things up a little bit, you're definitely gonna wanna check out our free guide. What's your sex personality type? So in this guide, we will reveal the 11 sex personality types, which gives you detailed descriptions of each type, how the types fit together, and what you need to create an extraordinary sex life. So click the link in the description box down below to download that. Thanks so much for watching and see you next time.