Vanessa Marin (licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex and relationship therapy) presents a short YouTube video debunking common sexual expectations that harm partners’ sex lives. She lists five major "sexpectations" to avoid: 1) that great sex should happen without communication, 2) that partners should orgasm simultaneously, 3) that men always want sex more than women, 4) that one should be able to orgasm quickly, and 5) that there is a single correct sex frequency (X times per week). The video emphasizes communication, respecting individual timing and boundaries, and finding a couple-specific frequency; it concludes with calls-to-action linking to a related video, an online course (Finishing School), and a free guide.
Questions this video answers
Vanessa Marin (licensed psychotherapist).
July 7, 2020.
15 years.
Chapters
Sexpectations. We all have them. But what if your expectations about sex are actually ruining your sex life? Hey there. I'm Vanessa Marin. I'm a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex and relationship therapy. I've spent the last 15 years helping thousands of people, and I've served as a featured expert for magazines and websites like the New York Times, oh, the Oprah Magazine, Real simple, and many more. My mission is to equip you with the tools that you need to create an extraordinary relationship inside of the bedroom and out. In this video, you're going to learn why some of the top sex expectations are just plain wrong and how they can negatively affect your sex life. You're going to leave knowing exactly which myths to avoid so you can get back to building an extraordinary sex life. In my work as a sex therapist, I have seen and heard so many of my clients battle with these harmful expectations of how their sex lives are supposed to work. Whether it's the women who worry about not being able to orgasm at the same time as their partners, or the men who believe that they're broken because they can't stay hard. At the root of every issue is this belief that your sex life should look and feel a certain way. And when you can't seem to meet those expectations about sex, you start to feel like a failure. So today I want to break down some of the top sexpectations that I see in my own practice. Sexpectation Number one You should have great sex without needing to talk about it One of the main myths that I come across in my sex therapy practice is that good sex should just happen naturally with no communication required. You shouldn't ever have to ask for what you want. You shouldn't ever have to give feedback. That's the only way that you ever see sex on TV and in the movies, right? So that's what most of us expect, that great sex just happens. But that couldn't be any further from the truth. Great sex requires great communication. Here are just some of the many reasons why you need because your partner isn't a mind reader. Hate to break it to you, but they're just not. Because you need to share your boundaries and safety needs. Because you deserve to ask for what you want. Because your body is unique and it likes different things than other people's bodies. And because communication actually helps you feel closer to your partner. When you expect that good sex should just happen, it actually distances you from your own sexuality. It's like you're just sitting around waiting for great sex to fall into your lap, forgetting this crucial lesson that you actually have the power to create the sex life that you want. Sexpectation number two My partner and I should orgasm at the the exact same time. Now I also blame this one on the way that you see sex in the movies and on tv. Sex looks effortless and perfect every single time. Both partners end up having an orgasm in the exact same moment and they're perfectly content and live happily ever after, right? In reality, simultaneous orgasm is incredibly rare. I will not lie, it is fun when it happens, but actively trying to have an orgasm at the exact same time is usually ends up just spoiling the mood. So one partner is desperately trying to hurry the f up and the other partner is desperately trying to slow down, forcing themselves to think about baseball and Aunt Myrtle. It just sucks all the fun out of having sex. It's so much more enjoyable to fully soak up the sensations moment by moment and let your orgasms come when they come. Sexpectation number three. Men always want sex more than women do. So over the last few years, I have seen more and more women in heterosexual relationships actually having much higher sex drives than their male partners. There's always been a mix of women who want more sex than men and men who want more sex than women. But I'm actually seeing the pattern start to skew more towards women wanting it more than men. And I'm seeing this cause all kinds of issues. Men feeling emasculated, women who feel kind of trapped, and reluctance from either partner to initiate sexual. I could make a whole separate video about this topic, but the bottom line is that it really doesn't matter who wants sex more. I have actually never seen a couple where both partners wanted sex at the exact same time every single time. There's always going to be a mismatch in sex drives, so what matters is how the two of you navigate those natural differences in your sex drives. If you're interested in this topic, be sure to check out my other video, Unrealistic Expectations of Men When It Comes to Sex and which you can find right here. Sexpectation number four. I should be able to orgasm quicker. This one typically comes up for women, so most women worry that it takes them too long to reach orgasm. They worry that their partner is going to get bored or irritated if they can't orgasm in two minutes flat. So here's my bottom line. When it comes to orgasmic timing, it doesn't matter how long it takes, however long your body needs to reach orgasm. Is however long your body needs to reach orgasm. So I teach women how to orgasm in my online orgasm course Finishing School, and I really try to drill in to respect and connect with your body instead of fighting against it. Acknowledge your body's natural timing and be willing to give your body whatever it needs. The reality is that once we take this gentler approach, you can actually start orgasming a lot faster. We should be Having Sex X number of Times Per Week now we all seem to be obsessed with making sure that we are having the right amount of sex. So many people want to know what's normal, how much sex are other people having because we feel like we have to keep up with the Joneses in a way. Now maintaining an active sex life on top of everything else that we have going on in our lives can feel really overwhelming. So a lot of us try to comfort ourselves by clinging to these concrete things like numbers. Like, oh, if I could just do it two times a week or three times a week, then I'll be okay. But the truth is that there is no magic number that's gonna work for every single couple. I've worked with couples who thought that sex once a day was too little, and couples who thought that sex once a month was too much. We're all different. You need to figure out the level of frequency that works for your relationship. So that wraps up my top five sexpectations to avoid for a healthy sex life. If you like this video, please give it a like or better yet, comment down below which sexpectation you are ready to get rid of. Make sure to subscribe to my YouTube channel for even more free resources. And I also have a gift for you. If you want to dive deeper into sexpectation number five about sexual frequency in a relationship, you'll definitely want to download my free guide, how much sex should you'd be having? You'll find out why you need to forget about the honeymoon stage and expand your definition of sex. Plus, I'll break down exactly how to find your personal sweet spot and what to do once you've found that special number. So click the link in the description box to download. Thanks for watching and see you next time.
