Sexual Disgust: When Sex Is Dirty Or Gross

No, we can't start a video. Does sex feel dirty to you? Now, sex is not exactly a clean act. It can definitely get pretty slippery, sticky and messy. Now, I say that objectively without any sort of judgment behind it, but for a lot of people, this actually feels really emotional, this feeling that sex is dirty or it's gross. It actually prevents them from having a happy and healthy sex life. So what can you do to shift your mindset? Today we are going to talk all about how to overcome negative beliefs about sex.

So if you're new to our channel, then hello, we are Vanessa and Xander Marin. Vanessa here is a sex therapist and we've been together for 13 years.

And our channel is all about giving you the tips, tools and techniques that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship. And inside of the bedroom and out. So if you're interested in that, go ahead and hit that subscribe button right now.

If you've ever felt grossed out by sex, your body or your partner's body, you might wonder if there's something wrong with you. But it actually makes a ton of sense that most of us would have negative associations with sex and with our bodies. How could we not with all the negative messages that we receive? Oh, yeah, sex is considered a taboo topic too. So we don't often talk about it openly. And. And that makes us feel like it's some dirty little secret. Or you might have been openly, explicitly told that sex is shameful or it is sinful or that you're unclean if you're sexually active. And then magically if you get married, all of a sudden, it is clean and it's good and it's encouraged. But oftentimes by that point, the damage has already been done with all of those negative messages. You can't just, you know, flip a switch and, and go from sex is dirty to sex is great and I gotta do it. So, you know, that's what purity culture, that term is all about, remaining pure and remaining clean.

And I think there's another little detail too. Like, we women in particular have been taught to believe that our genitals are really smelly and icky and just generally weird. Even our periods are thought of as gross. So that's just another way that we're meant to feel like sex is dirty and unclean.

So before we get any further, we would love to hear from you. So leave us a why down below in the chat if you've ever felt like sex is dirty. And leave an N if you haven't.

Yeah, I'm curious To see how many people are struggling with this challenge. All right, so we want to be clear before we get any further that we're talking about two different kinds of beliefs here. So one is that sex is dirty, like, in a sinful way. Like, it's not moral. It's not right. You're supposed to wait till marriage. And then the other set of beliefs is that sex is, like, physically dirty. Like, you may be grossed out by all the fluids, the noises, you know, concerns about your genitals, like I mentioned earlier. So we're going to be talking about both of those two general types of.

Beliefs, and I think for a lot of people, they get kind of intertwined.

Yeah, definitely. It's hard to, like, fully separate one from the other, but I just wanted to call that out. So let's talk about how you can start to shift your mindset about sex being dirty.

Yeah. So the first thing is identify where your beliefs about sex are actually coming from. It's really important for us to remember that we were not actually born feeling embarrassed or ashamed of sex. You know, we were taught to feel that way.

You don't come out of the womb thinking that sex is dirty and sinful.

Honestly, we don't come out of the womb thinking very much at all. But, yeah. So think about where and when were you taught about sex? So what did your parents teach you? What kind of messages did you get from them? What about your friends? Did you talk openly about sex? Or were there a lot of, like, words thrown around and you didn't really know what they meant and they were embarrassing and all of that stuff? What have you heard in the media or on movies, TV about sex? A lot of us see this really romanticized version of it in school. Did you learn anything about sex? Did you not learn anything about sex? That is very common in the US at least. What did you learn about sex via religion? There's oftentimes a lot of different messages that we get from there. So we actually have an entire video that's dedicated to sifting through the messages that you might have received from your religion. So we'll include a link to that video right here if you want to check it out. So after you've kind of thought through that list of all the places that you are getting messages from, then think about, okay, so what actually was I taught? What have I come away with? So are you thinking that sex is dirty as in it's sinful or it's wrong? Or are you thinking of dirty as in kind of messy? Or is it both. And then also, like, do you get grossed out by all bodily functions or is it really just sex that is feeling kind of gross or dirty to you?

Now? The next step is to acknowledge that there might be something bigger or deeper going on for you. So. So if you're having really strong feelings about sex being dirty, it's really worth getting curious about what else may be coming up for you. So there are a bunch of different possibilities that we want to call out here. So one thing is that, like, this desire to keep everything, like really clean and orderly, this typically comes up more around the sex being messy type of thing. That desire to keep everything clean, it often stems from underlying anxiety. So sometimes if life feels out of our control, we look for the specific things that we can control. So it might be that it's not even that much about sex. It's more about underlying anxiety for you. Another possibility is it might be your body's way of protecting you from past trauma. There might be some safety issues coming up for you that you're still figuring out how to navigate, or maybe that you've experienced sexual pain in the past. And the anxiety about that is just kind of getting funneled into this anxiety about the dirtiness of sexual. So the bottom line is that sometimes deeper things come up rather than just this like, oh, I don't want to clean up afterwards, it feels like a pain in the butt kind of thing. So it's worth getting curious about what else might be at play for you.

So next you're going to want to think about the impacts that these beliefs are having on you. So you know the really, the specific ways that they may be impacting your sex life. You know, like, what's the price that you are currently paying for trying to have really clean, sanitary, or, you know, sex that feels exciting, acceptable to you? So there are some big examples here, and there are some little examples of ways that this can come up. So some little examples is maybe you jump up to take a shower right away instead of taking time to cuddle and connect with your partner afterward. And you know, that can impact the feeling of closeness between you after sex. Or you might hit the pause button on a makeout session that's leading to sexual so that you can run upstairs, prepare the bed with some towels, get the Kleenex out. You know, that can kind of interrupt the vibe, so to speak. Then there can be some really big impacts that this can have. Like you could be sabotaging your ability to orgasm because you're so focused in the moment. On, you know, avoiding dirty things or, you know, the possibility of a mess. And also, like, you might be passing along that shame to your kids. If you're continuing to talk about and think about sex in a negative way, it's likely you're going to pass that idea on. So another. Another idea if you're still struggling is try leaning into what does it really feel like if you have cleanliness as your absolute main priority during sex? Like, think. Try to play it all out. Think it through. Like, okay, what would perfectly clean sex look, look like? And how is that going to look with my partner for the rest of my life? Does that actually feel good to you? Or do you want to consider trying something new?

All right, step number four is to think about the associations that you want to have with sex. As Xander was kind of talking about this, like, yeah, is that the kind of sex that you want to be having? So the best way to overcome all these negative beliefs that all of us get taught about sexual is to come up with your own goals. So what are your goals for your sex life? So there might be some general goals that you think about, like, do you want to think that sex is normal and healthy? Do you want to feel free and calm during sex? Do you want to prioritize pleasure and connection? And there might be some goals that are specific to this whole, like, dirtiness or cleanliness aspect of sex. So, like, do you want to feel attracted to your partner instead of grossed out? Do you want to feel aroused and present in the moment no matter how messy things might get? Do you want to feel comfortable with different fluids, smells, and noises? So the point here is to really make this active effort to figure out what's the kind of relationship that I want to have with sex. Yes, I've been bombarded by all these negative messages my entire life, but I want to take back that agency and that power and decide what kind of sex life I want to have.

So if that gets you a little fired up, then you're going to want to try to channel that energy to. Towards creating some healthy sex practices for you. So I know how easy it is for our brains. Just jump to this black and white kind of thinking when you hear a topic like that. So you might be thinking, you know, sex is dirty, so therefore I must have super clean, super hygienic sex. Or you hear this video and you're like, okay, so these guys are telling me that sex is never going to be 100% hygienic. So now I've got to become okay with it just being super messy all the time. And that can really, like, polarize our thinking and push us to one extreme or another. Probably both of those extremes aren't going to feel very good. So the reality is you can have elements of both messiness and cleanliness at the same time during sex. Both can exist. So, you know, cleanliness isn't something that you need to just avoid because it's bad for you. It's not. Cleanliness can be a good thing. And in terms of sex, you know, it is a good thing. So definitely there are things that you can do to encourage cleanliness and healthiness.

So but in a way that, like, feels good to you, feels genuine and authentic to you, not like, you know, all these weird ways that we've been taught to think about it.

Yeah. So here's some examples of some healthy cleanly practices.

Maybe let's not even use the word clean. We can just say like hygienic or just healthy practices. Don't get away from that.

Here's some healthy sex practices. So peeing right afterwards for women to avoid urinary tract infections. Washing your hands before touching each other's genitals, always a good idea. Properly cleaning your sex toys after or before every use. Using protection and regularly getting tested for STIs.

Now we want to be super clear on this one that we are not saying that if you have an STI that makes you dirty and if you don't have one, you're clean. I think this is unfortunately a dynamic that gets perpetuated all the time. And we don't believe that, like, there are plenty of people who have very safe sex, really focus on safety and protection and they still get STIs.

You cannot always avoid them.

Yeah. So we're not saying, you know, don't be dirty and get an sti. We're just saying a healthy practice is to try to protect yourself and try to get tested for regularly.

And then finally just make sure that you're listening to your own values when you're making sexual decisions. So, for example, it may feel healthy for you to decide not to have sex with someone until you've been dating for a month or until you're in love with them. Just an example.

All right, and that brings us to step number six, which is to watch, read and listen to sex positive content. So the more you surround yourself with open, honest sex sex talks, the more comfortable you will start to feel with sex.

Yeah. This does not mean just like start watching porn or something that is like never the advice, but I think a lot of people think like, oh, I just need to see more sex and I'll get comfortable with it. And oftentimes that kind of leads you in another direction.

Yeah. So we want to focus on stuff that like, really feels positive. So with this, it's like, I think the repetition of it is what's important. So you've spent your entire life, you know, decades, possibly because being given these negative messages about sex. So you need some repetition of the positive messages around sex. So keep watching our videos. That's what we are all about here. Subscribe to our channel so you don't ever miss one. You can also follow us on Instagram anessamarintherapy. We actually talk about stuff every single day. So you can have your daily dose of sex positivity. And also just a little teaser to keep an ear out for our upcoming, upcoming podcast.

Yeah, we're hitting you with on all the Senses. So that wraps up our video today. We really hope that this was helpful for you in changing any negative beliefs you have about sex. So if you like this video, please give us a like, hit that red button down below to subscribe to our channel. And while you're at it, hit the notification icon too. So you keep getting these videos. I know it's a lot, but every little bit of that really helps us.

And we also have a gift for you. If you're feeling like your libido's pretty much vanished into thin air, you're definitely gonna wanna check out our free guide, the secret Libido. Nine surprising reasons that your sex drive has vanished. So we revealed nine reasons that your sex drive could have plummeted. And trust us, they are not just the usual things that you might be thinking of.

It's not just what we talked about in this video.

Yeah. So we will include a link to the guide in the description description box down below. Thanks so much for watching.

See you next time.