Sexual Fantasies GONE WRONG - What To Do If Your Partner Has A Fantasy And You're NOT On Board

Alright, imagine this. You're in bed with your partner. You're making out, things are starting to get hot and heavy. You're just about to take it to the next level.

Oh boy.

When your partner turns to you and tells you that they want to try out a fantasy that they have never mentioned to you ever before.

Oh boy.

So you freeze. You are not into this fantasy. It does not turn you on in any way, shape or form. But you also love your partner and you want them to be sexually satisfied and fulfilled. So what do you do?

Hmm. Good question.

Hey, there we are. Vanessa and Xander Marin. We're a married couple. We've been together since 2007 and we are here to give you the tools that you need to create an extraordinary relationship. Inside of the bedroom and out. So I'm a licensed psychotherapist and I've spent the last 15 years working with thousands of couples. I've also been a featured ex for major magazines and websites like the New York Times, oh, the Oprah Magazine, Real simple and many more.

And I'm her husband who I used to work a pretty normal job in the tech industry, but wasn't feeling super fulfilled. But I would see Vanessa really making an impact with her work on people's lives. And I decided I wanted to join her so that we could reach even more people. I picked up some pretty good relationship insight along the way and pretty good sense of what does and doesn't make relationships work. Also, I just really enjoy sharing real life stories and experiences from our relationship to hopefully help yours.

In this video, we're going to tell you exactly what to do if your partner brings up a fantasy that you are just not into. We'll tell you how to figure out whether or not you actually should try the fantasy. How to talk to your partner without making them feel embarrassed or guilty. And what your next step should be to ensure that you and your partner have an amazing sex life.

Well, even share some of our own fantasies that the other partner's just not that into. So you're gonna know you're not alone. Oh no. After watching this video, you'll never have an uncomfortable moment like the one we just described at the beginning of this video.

Alright, so first of all, it is really important for you to know that it is completely normal and common for partners to have different sexual fantasies. You're different people after all. So even if you feel like you're pretty compatible overall, you're still gonna have natural differences in what you'. So Xander and I have pretty different fantasies, but we still have a really amazing sex life. Definitely does not get in the way of that.

Oh, yeah.

It's kind of like food in a funny way. So, like, even if you and your partner tend to be into the same sorts of things, maybe your partner really loves Indian, but you can't stand it. Or maybe you love mushrooms, but your partner, like, will not go near them.

Sounds like something's wrong with your partner then.

Oh, mushrooms are amazing.

But, yeah, sex is really no different. Maybe your partner fantasizes about having a threesome, but for you, monogamy. Monogamy is just really important. Maybe your partner wants to dabble in BDSM, but you thought 50 shades of grey was super cheesy. So take a deep breath and recognize that having different fantasies is totally normal.

That being said, this can be a tricky situation. Like, should you participate in this sexual activity that doesn't interest you just for your partner's sake? Or should your partner have to forego one of their fantasies because you're not into it?

So.

So we've got your back here with five steps to take if your partner has a fantasy that just does not interest you.

All right, so step one is thank your partner for sharing their fantasy. Before you do anything, make sure to thank them for sharing their fantasy, especially if it's one that's not super common. It takes a lot of courage to be honest about your desires and talk about fantasies openly. Even if this is a fantasy that you're not all that into, your partner has shown you a lot of trust by letting you into their inner sexual world.

Yeah, so you don't want to hurt your partner's feelings or make them feel embarrassed if they've finally worked up the courage to bring this fantasy up with you in the first place. So even if their fantasy sounds like the least sexy thing in the world to you, it's really crucial that you show your partner this basic level of respect.

Yeah. So we recommend trying out the good old golden rule and putting yourself in your partner's shoes. Treat them with the same kindness and decency that you would want to be treated with if you had shared one of your deepest, darkest fantasies. Keep a poker face and don't make any judgments. Oh, and by the way, if you're curious to know if anyone else has the same fantasy your partner has, be sure to check out our video about the top seven most common sexual fantasies. You can watch it right here.

Step number two, discuss how important the fantasy is. So next, you want to get a sense from your partner of how Central this particular fantasy is for them.

So.

So we all have different relationships with our fantasies, and we can have different relationships with different fantasies too. So this fantasy may be something that your partner is curious about playing with, but they would also be fine if they never really got to do it. So we can give you a personal example here. I've always been a little bit curious about joining the Mile High club, but Xander is just not into the idea of sex in public places.

Are you sure you still want that after Covid? Ooh, I don't know.

To be honest, I am a little sketched out by how tiny and dirty airplane bathroom are. So I'm a little sad that probably I'll never be able to experience it. But it's not a really important fantasy to me. It's totally fine if we never end up having sex in a bathroom.

On the other hand, some people have fantasies that feel so central to their sex life that it may be a deal breaker for them if their partner just isn't interested in participating in any way at all.

So one that I hear about all the time is people who are in a male female relationship, but want to do a little same sex exploration. So I remember working with this couple who had just gotten engaged, but the woman said that she'd always been curious about being with another woman. And she said she just couldn't see herself getting married and fully settling down without doing any sort of experimentation. It just felt like she would be abandoning potentially an entire part of her identity if she never tried it out.

So if your partner hasn't already shared this aspect of their fantasy with you, ask them for more detail about how important that fantasy is to them and what role they would like you to play in it.

So we have some questions that you can ask your partner. So you can say something like, is this a fantasy that you want to try in real life? Or did you just want to share the idea with me? So it's really important to note that sometimes just talking about fantasies can be super hot. That can be satisfying in and of itself. You don't always have to act on every single fantasy. In fact, there are a lot of fantasies that are actually hotter to just talk about, but not actually do them. Another question is, is this a fantasy that you want me to be a part of or that you want to explore on your own? So your partner may not necessarily need you to be involved in it? What level of involvement were you hoping for from me? How central is this fantasy to your sexual experience and fulfillment? And what do you think it would be like if you never got to play with this fantasy?

So step three is do a little research. Now, some fantasies are pretty straightforward. Like, I want to try 60, 90. As long as you both know what it is, you probably don't really need to research it.

Not everyone knows.

But other fantasies are a little more complex, like exploring pain play or using heavy restraints or going to a sex party. If you don't fully understand your partner's fantasy or it sounds complex, definitely do some research.

So you can ask your partner if they have any particular resources that they think are helpful. So, for example, you could ask them, I want to learn more about getting tied up before I decide whether or not it's something that I'm open to doing. Do you have any articles or books that you recommend that I check out.

Or seek out those resources on your own? In general, we recommend looking for resources that are written by the people who are into those fantasies. They'll be more complete and really accurate guides.

Step number four. See if there's a part of the fantasy that does interest you. So a lot of people get really intimidated hearing their partner's fantasy because they think that they immediately need to dive into the deep end and, like, do every single part of the fantasy. So, for example, if your partner says that they're interested in playing with dominance and submission, you're, like, in your head thinking about the drafting sex dungeon and having to write and sign these contracts and all this stuff. But that is really not a good way to start playing with any sort of fantasies, even if you were super into it.

And your partner is probably not looking for that either.

Yeah. So we always recommend taking small steps with fantasies. You want to take baby steps first. Plus, it's also really important for you to remember that you have the right to choose which specific activities feel good to you. And you get to choose your own boundaries, too. So even if you do decide to go along with your partner's fantasy, you don't need to agree to the entire thing.

So have a conversation with your partner and talk about the specific elements of their fantasy and identify the baby steps that the two of you could take. In the process of having this conversation, you might discover that there's a piece of the fantasy that you would actually be really open to trying. With the dominance and submission fantasy example, maybe you're not interested in a signed contract just yet, but you'd be open to some light spanking or playing with a blindfold. That's awesome. Or let's say your partner is Interested in a threesome? Maybe you're not down to actually have sex with another person, but you wouldn't mind putting up a profile on a dating site and flirting with someone over text. There's always ways that you can break a fantasy down into smaller, more manageable steps.

Now pro tip here. One baby step that can work in almost any scenario is to simply try talking dirty about the fantasy without actually doing anything different in your sex life. So for example, you could pretend that you were at a group sex party and sort of narrate what you see going on around you. So this allows you both to kind of try the fantasy on before making any commitments to doing anything in real life.

Number five is explore other options for your partner's satisfaction at the end of the day. If you're just not into your partner's fantasy, that's okay. You have the right to choose what specific activities feel good to you, and you get to set your own boundaries. If you're not open to your partner's fantasy, but it's really central to their sexual expression, you and your partner may want to explore possibilities for your partner playing with their fantasy outside of the relationship.

Now there are a million different ways to do this, so it could be something like allowing your partner to chat with other people on an online forum about one of their fantasies, or maybe they buy a subscription to a porn site or something like that. It could also be more complex, like maybe you actually let your partner enact their happy ending massage fantasy with another person. There's really no one size fits all approach, but with a little creativity and a lot of communication, you and your partner may be able to create a relationship that honors both partners desires.

So that wraps up our video about what to do if you're just not into your partner's fantasies. So if you liked it, please give it a like and comment down below. Let us know what you think and if you've ever been in this situation before, we'd love to hear how you handled it. Make sure to hit that red subscribe button and the notification icon so you keep getting notified when we put up new videos.

And we are leaving you with a little gift too. If you want to get more comfortable talking about sex with your partner, but you just don't know where to start, you're definitely going to want to check out our free guide how to start talking about sex with your partner. Even if you never have before, you're.

Going to want to do that before you talk about your fantasies.

Yeah, it's a good foundation so this guide really breaks it down for you. It gives you some step by step examples, specific scripts that you can just copy so that you can start talking about sex with ease. So we'll put the link to that in the description box down below. Thanks so much for watching and see you next time. All right, imagine this, okay. You're in bed with your partner. You're making out. Are you closing your eyes to imagine it?

I was trying to think of how you do that.

You can't start a video like that. Damn.

It was worth a try.

All right.

Everyone needs more comedy. You thought thirty Shades of Gray was really cheesy.

It's thirty Shades of Gray.

I have clearly not read that book.

It's like the condensed version.

Yeah.