Vanessa and Xander Marin walk through what it means when a partner says she doesn't want an orgasm. They cover why this happens (faked them before, never learned how, embarrassment, low priority) and five steps: learn female anatomy, develop technique, communicate support, check your ego, and respect her choice.
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We can't start a video. So your female partner tells you she just doesn't want to have an orgasm.
But you don't know how to react because you really want her to have an orgasm.
What do you do in this situation? In this video, we are going to break down exactly what to do if your partner just seems like she's not really that into orgasms. We want to hear from you first, though, so let us know down in the comments if you've ever had a partner tell you that she just doesn't really want to have an orgasm.
But before we get into all the good stuff, if you're brand new to our channel, we want to say, hi, this is Vanessa. I'm Xander Marin. Vanessa is a sex therapist and we've been together for 15 years. And in case you see these cute little faces pop up next to us, our pugs, Maggie and Winston are also right here.
And our account is all about giving you the tools, tips, and techniques you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship in, inside the bedroom, and out. So if that's something you're interested in, then just go ahead and hit that subscribe button. Okay, so let's get into it. You have a female partner and she tells you she just doesn't want to orgasm. Now, this could be in a variety of situations. It could be like, across the board, like her saying, I never really want to orgasm. Or it could be in a single instance, like an orgasm. It's just not in the cards for me tonight.
Or. All right, so first up is we want you to get curious about this. Like, there are many different reasons why she might not want to be having an orgasm. And so one, she may not know how to. So either she's never had an orgasm or she struggles to have them reliably.
She may also have been faking orgasms in the past and maybe just like, not want to fake anymore. She may also not understand how orgasm really works. So she could be feeling like something is actually wrong wrong with her. Especially if she feels like she should just be orgasming from penetration alone. So if you have not heard us talk about how this is not realistic, then make sure to check out our video about it. We will link to it in the description box down below.
All right, she may be worrying that she's just taking up too much time or it's too much effort. Maybe she doesn't feel deserving of that time or effort. She might just feel embarrassed, not want you to focus on her so much. Or maybe she worries that she smells Bad or she tastes bad if it's, you know, if you're trying to give her oral or she thinks that she needs oral in order to orgasm.
So this is another super specific situation. But it may be that, like, in the past, you were kind of selfish and a little bit too focused on your own pleasure.
Many of us have been there.
Yeah, a lot of people have. So she may have kind of given up on having an orgasm and she's just gotten to a point where she, like, doesn't even really try anymore. Another possibility is that orgasm just is not that important to her. So it may be hard for you to understand if you're somebody who loves and enjoys orgasms, but there are some people who just genuinely feel that way. Like orgasm is not the most important part of a sexual experience. They can feel pleasure and satisfaction without having an orgasm. And that's a really valid experience to have. Then finally, our final possibility is just that, like, she may not feel like having one. Maybe it's just in that particular instance, she's just kind of like not in the mood for one.
All right, so as you can see, there are a lot of possibilities for what might be going on. But as her partner, it's up to you to be a really a great orgasm teammate, the best teammate you can possibly be. So we're going to walk you through some steps to doing that. So step one is to just learn more about female orgasm and how it really works. There are a lot of misconceptions out there, and most men do not understand exactly what women tell to need.
So definitely watch that video that we.
Are going to link to. Definitely watch that video. All right, step two is to get some really great technique, especially oral and manual techniques. You know, a lot of men just don't know the best techniques, and that's why we have a four play guide that shows you the best way to go down on a woman, the best way to finger a woman. And there are some amazing techniques in there. You're going to feel super, super confident if you're. You go through those.
And if you're a woman who's having sex with a woman, I think sometimes there's this idea of like, oh, I have the same parts. I should understand how it works. And that's just not the case. So the foreplay guides are for people of all genders to help you explore bringing each other pleasure. Okay, this next step that we want to talk about, step three is to help her understand that you want to be her teammate. So one thing to do is just, like, remind her that her body is beautiful and sexy, that you are happy to focus on her, that you. That you want her to have the same experience as you. So giving her those messages and helping her realize, like, your orgasm isn't inconvenient or too hard or weird. I want you to be able to have this experience. But step four is to make sure that your ego isn't getting involved. So sometimes we do hear from partners, and in particular, male partners, who really want their female partner to orgasm because it kind of feels like an ego stroke to him. And even sometimes men will say, like, oh, well, I can't enjoy myself unless I know that you've had orgasm. I've made you orgasm. And they're kind of treating a woman's orgasm as, like, a notch on their bed pose type of thing or, like.
A referendum on how good they were because as if it's, you know, entirely their job to give the orgasm.
Yeah. So you just, like, don't make her feel pressured to orgasm for you. That's not cool.
All right, so up till now, all these steps have been about, you know, setting yourself up to be the best orgasm teammate possible. But finally, step five is you got to let her make her own decisions about her own body. So if she doesn't want to orgasm after you've done all of these steps, you've been the best partner you possibly can. That's totally valid. Whether it's tonight or not at all, ever. Ultimately, she gets to decide what she wants to do with her own body. And as a good teammate, you know, you got to respect that.
All right, well, that wraps up our video on what to do if she just does not want to have an orgasm.
And finally, if you like this video, please give it a like, hit the red button to subscribe to our YouTube channel and click the notification bell so you get notified as soon as we post more videos.
