Should I Have Kids Or Not? How To Decide If You Want Kids

Maybe I'd start a video. Do you want to have kids? For some people, the answer is crystal clear and obvious. And for other people, this is a devastatingly complex question. So today, we are going to give you our best tools to help you find your answer.

Hello. If you're brand new, here we are. Vanessa and Xander Marin. Hi. Vanessa's a sex therapist, and we've been together for 13 years. Going on 14.

Going on 14. And our channel is all about giving you the practical tools that you need to create an extraordinary relationship inside of the bedroom and out. So if that sounds good to you, go ahead and smash that subscribe button right now.

All right, let's get down to it. We're going to talk about having kids.

Big topic.

Yeah. So for centuries, having kids was the norm. People did not even consider whether they wanted to have kids or not. They just did it. But these days, more and more couples are realizing that having kids is really a choice. Yeah. Having kids is still seen as the norm. You know, there's. There's still a ton of pressure to have kids, but today, it is much more of a choice than it ever has been before. So that's really the important message that we want to share with you today, first of all, is that having kids is really a conscious choice. It does not have to be a default.

Yeah. So for us personally, we have made the conscious choice to not have kids. If you want to hear the full story of how we came about that decision, what our history was around it, we actually have an older video where we walked all through it. And so we'll put a link to that video right up here. But the short version of our story is that both of us always assumed that we would have kids. We always wanted to have kids.

We kind of defaulted to it.

You could say we did a little bit. But we did make sure to have conversations before we got serious, before we got married, make sure that we. We were on the same page. We got married pretty young, and we had this conversation about, you know, we want to have them, but not now. We're pretty young. And so we said that we would wait until the time felt right. And we waited and waited, and the time really never did feel right. Most importantly, we never felt that active desire to have a kid. So we go into our story in a lot more detail in that video that we linked to just a second ago, but I think just giving you a little bit of that background and that concept context. So to be totally honest with you, you know, we put that video out and we had no clue that it was gonna get the reception that it ended up getting. Like, we heard from so many people saying, thank you for making this video. You know, this really spoke to exactly what I'm going through. And so we realized, you know, let's keep talking about this more because clearly there's a need for, you know, having these kinds of conversations. So what we really want to normalize is, like, it's a okay if you don't feel the desire to have children. I think there are a lot of people out there who think, like, yeah, I don't really feel that desire. Is something wrong with me? Am I broken in some way? And I think particularly as women, you know, there's this judgment of, like, oh, well, what happened? Why didn't that maternal instinct kick in? Like, that's the most essential part of being a woman. Why didn't that happen for you? So we really want to normalize child free relationships.

And for all of our child rearing friends out there, we think you are awesome too.

Yeah. I think there's a weird dynamic that can come up sometimes around couples who decide not to have kids and couples who do where it feels like they're in opposition to each other and we just don't want to participate in that. We think every couple gets to decide what feels right for their relationship. Us deciding not to have kids in ours does not mean we judge people for deciding to have kids. Like, we love kids and we love parents, and we're glad that you're raising great kids so it doesn't have to be like that weird, conflicting kind of thing. So again, we are all about having a decision that feels right for your relationship, whether that includes children or not. So before we get any further, we're just curious to know where you stand on this issue. We're guessing that you're probably feeling a little bit conflicted if you're watching this video. But leave us a Y down below if you're leaning a little bit more towards yes, having kids. And leave us a no, an N if you're leaning a little bit more towards no, I don't think we're gonna have them. So if you are having a hard time coming to a decision, understanding what feels best for you, we have put together some tips, some introspective questions to guide you through this process. So let's get into it.

All right, so tip number one is focus on yourself first. This is your decision, and this is really your decision, only at least at the beginning. It doesn't matter what Other people say or think so. If you're currently in a relationship, try to separate out your partner partner's perspective from your own. Just at the beginning, like, don't worry too much about this. You really need to figure out what you feel when you take out all that extra noise.

Yeah. So we think it's so important to start with this step because there's just so much pressure to have kids, and it's really important to give yourself the space to actually consider, does this feel right for me? And we also want to point out, you know, regardless of what you decide to do, you're gonna feel some amount of pressure. So we hear couples who don't have kids saying, oh, everybody's pressuring us about, when are you gonn kids? We hear couples saying, we had one kid. And then everyone's pressuring us about, when's the second? And there's a lot of judgment about, oh, did you have the second one too soon or you had it too far? There's judgment about, are you having two or are you having three? Are you having too few? Or like, whoa, that's way too many kids.

First you had a boy, now you have to have a girl. You have a girl, you have to have a boy. It's gotta be balanced, all of that stuff. Yeah.

So unfortunately, regardless of what you do in your own life, you're gonna feel some amount of pressure, some amount of judgment. And we all want to, you know, we want to work towards having a world where we accept all couples for whatever decisions they make. But unfortunately, we're not quite there yet. So, you know, for us, one of the big dynamics that came up was, you know, we were trying to focus on making a decision for ourselves. It felt right for us. But of course, it's really hard not to consider the other people in your lives. So, for me personally, one of the biggest challenges was realizing I'm not gonna give my parents grandkids. I have two other siblings, fortunately, so. And I think they will have kids, so my parents will get grandkids. But, you know, I just felt really sad thinking about how fun that would be to tell my parents, like, you're gonna be grandparents.

Yeah, especially.

Yeah. And, yeah, I was, you know, just excited to have that conversation. It was just really hard for me imagining not being able to have that conversation with my parents, my dad especially, because he's such a big softie, but not being able to tell them, like, surprise, you're gonna be grandparents. So, you know, it's important to acknowledge the sadness, acknowledge the Grief or that sense of loss, and also recognize ultimately, like, this is your life. I'm not going to have a kid just so I can have this one conversation with my parents. I need to make a decision that feels right for me.

Yeah. All right, so tip number two is uncover your why. And this is really another big opportunity for you to make sure that you're making a decision for yourself and not a decision that's in response to other pressure. Because what oftentimes happens when you make a decision and you're kind of pressured into it is that ultimately it can lead to regret or it can lead to resentment kind of against the people or the things that made you feel that pressure later on. So, like, do you want to have kids because you feel like everyone else in your life or in your age is having them? Do you want kids because you know that your parents want to be grandparents like Vanessa was just talking about? Or do you want kids because you want to experience the joy of bringing another life into the world? Or maybe because you want to dedicate the rest of your life to nurturing and caring for another human? So it can be really hard to differentiate, like, your true desire from what you think you should want. In those examples I gave, two of them were kind of like shoulds, I think, and the last two are kind of like true desires that were about you and what you want.

That's actually a good little pro tip. Like, when you think through your reasonings in your head, like, is the word should coming up? Because that's probably a pretty good clue that it's not actually about you.

Yeah, that's a good hack right there. So, yeah, all in all, give yourself plenty of time for reflection on all of this. This is not like a split second decision that you need to make and really be brutally honest with yourself. Like, am I doing this because I feel like I should? Or is this something that I truly want?

All right, step number three is to acknowledge that there will always be a ghost ship.

Ooh, scary.

I know. What the hell do we mean by that? So this is actually a really great concept that the writer Cheryl Strayed came up with. And the idea here is that, you know, there's always going to be this, like, second life that you're going to miss out on by making the choices that you make in your current life. So it's not just about having kids or not having kids. It's like any major decision that you make in your life.

It sounds like the multiverse, Vanessa.

Oh, no. Are we going to get Sci Fi.

Uh. Oh, Google that if you're curious.

So it's this idea that, like, yeah, any major decision you could make, there's always going to be this alternate path that your life creates. Could have gone down, but instead you picked this one. And so Cheryl Strayed talks about really being able to acknowledge and honor that second life, rather than trying to pretend like, oh, no, I don't even want to acknowledge what could have happened or what that could have looked like. So one practical thing that you could do here is write out what would those two different lives look like? So if you decide to have kids, just imagine. Of course, nobody knows what the future holds, but just imagine, like, what would the next 5, 10, 20, 50 years look like?

You.

And then if you decided not to have them, what would that life look like as well? So it can be really interesting just to play with this in your imagination creatively see what comes up, and obviously pay attention to what the feelings are coming up as well. Do you feel excitement when you're writing out this potential life, or do you feel a sense of sadness when you're writing it out? Or maybe anxiety or confusion? Just pay attention to what it's like to imagine these, to possibilities for your life. So for me, my ghost ship, part of it is like, I can imagine a lot of incredible experiences that I could have with kids. Like watching you love our kids and, you know, be all sweet and cute and cuddly with them or play with them, teaching them something new. Like, even just seeing what they would look like. It'd be really cool to see, like, how does our DNA merge?

I think there's an app for that, I guess.

But, you know, so there are a lot of, like, amazing and sweet memories that I can think of, and I can give myself the space to, like, to honor and acknowledge those and to even feel some grief around that. Like, yeah, there are things that I'm gonna miss out on. There are amazing experiences that I could have. So I think sometimes when we're trying to make a tough decision, like, we want it to feel so crystal clear in one direction that we don't even want to acknowledge the other possibilities. But I think it's so much better to make it feel from, like, a wholehearted place where you're acknowledging. Yes, there's sadness, yes, there's grief. Yes, I can feel sad watching that ghost ship sail off in the distance. And I also can still feel confident in the decision that I've made.

All right, so tip number four is that you really don't need to feel 100% ready or wait until you have that baby fever in order to start having kids. Because, look, you're never gonna be fully ready if you know you want to have them. Don't put pressure on yourself to wait until you feel totally ready. Like, it's probably never going to happen.

I don't think any of us are fully ready for any major decision that we make in our lives.

Or we think we're ready, and then right before it happens, you know, we're like, oh, my God, I have to figure out this, this, this, oh, my God, I'm not ready. Like, that's totally normal. Also, it is okay to make a conscious decision from a place of ambivalence. Not all decisions are gonna be hell yeses or hell no's. That's just kind of life.

Yeah. We've definitely heard from a lot of parents who said, you know, I knew that I wanted to have kids, but in that moment, like, the timing didn't feel right. I felt terrified. You know, I was still kind of unsure. So it's okay to make a decision from that kind of place.

Yeah. However, it's important to note that if you know that you are definitely not ready, don't assume that having kids is just gonna feel. Fix all of your existing problems or your lack of readiness.

Oh, yeah. Especially not any relationship issues. I think, unfortunately, a lot of couples have a kid thinking like, oh, this will bring us closer together. It'll give us a sense of purpose, save our relationship or our marriage. And unfortunately, it very, very rarely, maybe never does.

Yeah.

All right. And that brings us to our fifth and final tip, which is to trust your gut.

Mm.

At the end of the day, this really is a gut decision as much as it is a rational decision. So we really encourage you to take some time to, you know, get quiet, journal, spend some time alone, really let yourself feel into. Like, what does it feel like to imagine yourself having kids? To imagine yourself not having kids. And, you know, if the thought of having kids makes your stomach start to twist up in a nod or your anxiety starts to spiral, maybe it's not the right choice for you. For you, at least right now. If the thought of having kids makes your heart feel tender, it gives you butterflies in your stomach. That can be an indication that maybe it might be the right decision for you. So it's interesting. I think especially with big decisions like this, we often get stuck really ruminating in our heads. We wanna make the pros and cons list and we wanna talk it out with friends. And we wanna find that rational decision that feels so right. But with so many decisions in life, that's just not the best way to go about making them. Like, we have to pay attention to our body, too. Our body has a lot more wisdom than many of us give it credit for. So give your body some time to tell you what it's feeling.

Yeah. Especially if you've already gone through the first couple steps that we laid out in the tips. At that point, once you've really separated, like, is this for me? Is this for something else? How do I really feel? Then your gut is really gonna be a lot more accurate. I think a lot of us kind of worry that gut decisions are impulsive. But if, you know, if you've kind of thought it through a lot and really been, you know, just smart and honest with yourself about how you're thinking about it, once you get to that point, making a gut decision is not impulsive at all. All right, so that wraps up our tips for how to decide if you want to have kids. We know that this is a huge and deeply personal decision, so we really hope that you found these tips super helpful. If you like this video, please give it a like, hit that red button to subscribe to our channel and click the notification icon. So you keep getting these videos the moment we post them.

And we have a little gift for you. So check out our free guide, the simple daily check in that every couple needs to be doing right now. It gives you tips and prompts so that you and your partner can support each other, feel connected to each other every single day. So we'll put a link to download that for free in the description box down below. Thanks for watching.

See you next time.