Sibling Chat - The Talk: What We Learned About Sex From Our Parents

Okay, so today we have a very special episode. We are three siblings, and we are going to be talking about our parents attempt at giving each of us the talk.

All right?

So if we haven't met before. Hey there. My name is Vanessa Marin. I am a licensed therapist specializing in sex and relationships. And I've spent the last 15 years working with thousands of couples and have served as a featured expert for major magazines and websites like the New York Times, Real simple, and, oh, the Oprah magazine. And my mission is to equip you with the tools that you need to create an extraordinary relationship. Inside of the bedroom and out. So today I am joined by my two siblings, Jonathan. Hello, brother Jonathan. And Jennifer, sister Jennifer. Jennifer works with us with our company, and Jonathan doesn't because he's not cool enough.

Too cool.

But we are going to just talk today, kind of have a more casual conversation about how our parents tried to teach us about sex. So I'm the oldest, so I'll go first. I had my talk first, and actually my version of the talk was what inspired me to become a sex therapist. So what happened for me was I was in the minivan. Mom and dad. Was it the windstar? We were just talking about this the other day.

I think so.

The windstar. Forest green windstar cruising home from grandma's house. I don't know where you were.

Apparently having sex.

Jonathan's only three years younger, so he should have been there. I was around 12, but it was just us in the car, and my mom was driving. She looks at me in the rearview mirror and she says, so if you have any questions about, you know, sex.

Wait, how old are you?

About 12.

She said, you can ask me. And so it was really clear. Like, even though she was saying you can ask questions if you have questions, it was very clear that what she was really saying was, please, for the love of God, do not ask us any questions. We don't want to talk about this. And I really remember that moment so clearly, feeling like I do have a lot of questions. I'm like, hearing stuff on the playground. My friends are saying things. I actually had just made a bet with a friend of mine. We had bet about how many holes a woman has down there, and I bet an entire dollar. And I bet that there were two holes and my friend was a guy and he actually knew the there were three. So I lost a dollar. But yeah, like, I did have a lot of questions and I wanted to be able to talk about it. And, you know, we are all pretty close with our Parents. We have a pretty tight knit family. And so I remember thinking like, this is so strange that we can talk about so many other things, but why can't we talk about this? So I didn't actually. I did ask one question.

What was the question?

The question was, when a man and a woman have sex, does the man have to like help. Help his penis go inside of her vagina or does it like just happen?

That's smart.

They turn bright red.

Wait, so is it mom and dad together?

Yeah. And so mom very quickly said, it just happens. So I really thought, you know, when I became sexually active, like, I thought it was just supposed to just happen. It just goes right in there. It knows what to do. So that was a little bit of a shock for me. So that was my version of the talk. That was literally it. We never talked about it again. I never got a book. I never got a follow up conversation. That was it. So it was really tricky for me that like, that was the only conversation that I ever got. But it did inspire me to create this entire career. I'm grateful for that. So you came next. What was your version of the talk?

I mean, I definitely remember, like reading like young, way, way younger was reading the book of like, where do I come from or whatever. I feel like I'm sure that there were other conversations or discussions around, like the anatomy of things and just how things work. But what I specifically remember is I went on a backpacking trip with a few of my friends and it was very heteronormative and it was the boys and the fathers. So I think there were maybe five of us and three of, three of the fathers went. And so this was the second trip that we had done. I believe I was maybe 15, 14 or 15, I can't remember. Or maybe it was the first one and we were actually 13. I can't remember how old it was. But they gave us a whole spiel about how sex is a roller coaster and there's ups and downs and there's gonna be lots of fun things like pleasure and maybe love and good feelings.

So they did mention pleasure.

They definitely mentioned pleasure. I think that's what I remember at least. And then they mentioned that the scary parts were, were like teen pregnancy or STDs. And I think that they, they did talk about being respectful. I'm pretty sure they talked about being respectful. I don't know that they fully did the like, consent talk, which I think would have been very helpful.

Yeah. Do you, did you ever find out later, like, did the dads plan that. Or was it just kind of like a spontaneous for the cause that sounds. The roller coaster metaphor sounds like something pretty.

I think it was pret. I think he was spur of the moment because it seemed like they were kind of. They didn't seem very organized around it and they seemed kind of uncomfortable, but also were trying to be cool about it. So I don't know. It didn't seem like they were on the same page about it because they were chiming in about different things. But overall I think it was like.

Was someone like. No, it's like more like a tilt a whirl or more like the bumper car.

I remember it was. They were just chiming in about what the. Yeah. Positive and negative things could be.

Do you remember how you felt during that conversation?

I remember feeling like this was way too dumbed down and I remember feeling like it was a little awkward. Yeah.

But all right.

Yeah, that was my. That's my recollection, at least. I don't know.

And then, Jenny, you were third, so you were their last chance to get this right. So how did they do with you?

I got nothing. I was very curious as a kid. I remember being like, particularly curious about just like body changes. And I remember there was a book that maybe one or two of my friends have, and it was like An American Girl, Like, I don't know, these kind of like growing up books. But it was the American Girl brand and it was like you're changing body or something. I forget what it was, but I just remember we devoured it like their parents had given it to them or maybe like an aunt had given it to them. And I was very curious and it had like little cartoons of like, you know, oh, you'll grow pubic hair and like you'll grow breasts and this is how you put a tampon in. But yeah, I never got the talk. And I think I was really curious to receive that information. And it made me kind of like eagerly seek it out in other places because I didn't really get anything from mom and dad.

That's funny that they would get like worse at it. You would think they would have a little bit of practice at it and figure it out a bit more like, oh, here's how we do it with the last kid.

I feel like their reasoning or their thinking one, they just had three kids and a lot on their plate. And so I don't know. But yeah, maybe they just figured that because I was the last information would get passed down to me. And I don't know that I'd hear it from other people. That's not really a great reason not to have the talk.

But I feel like they also really encouraged us to talk to them about, you know, like, anything we needed to. But it maybe wasn't explicit and especially wasn't super explicit around sex.

Yeah.

Unless something came up. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Interesting.

Do you think? So your. Your talk was a little bit different because it was a whole group of guys and a group of dads doing it. But do you think that their messages about sex were different for Jenny and I, given that we're. We were girls versus you, given that you were a guy?

I'm not sure. I mean, trying to separate. Separate out, like this conversation with the dads versus what mom. Mom and dad's approach was. And I don't know. I mean, I feel like probably most likely, but. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how much of that was just my own internalized stuff from culture and friends or whatever.

Yeah, yeah. So what kinds of things do you guys wish they would have talked to us about or told us about in these conversations or just even to have had a conversation period?

I don't know, because now thinking back on it, I can imagine it being really awkward and uncomfortable as, like a preteen.

Well, I think if they started the conversation much earlier and, you know, we talked about different things at different stages in our development rather than just one version of the talk. Because for both you and I, like, it was already pretty late to be getting that talk.

Right.

You know, we already knew a lot about. We knew sex existed. You know, we had questions about it. So I think if we had talked about different things at different stages of time, that probably could have felt a lot better.

Yeah, I think I would have appreciated maybe not. Yeah, just some normalization around sex and sexuality. It is. I mean, I'm not, like, pointing the finger, but it's. It is kind of a cultural thing that we get weird about talking about our parents having sex or talking. Having the talk with your kids. And I do wish that they had been much more explicit and explicit around sexuality, because the only time that I remember talking about homosexuality or being queer or whatever was when you asked a question to them about it. You asked them, how would you feel if one of us was gay? And their response was, well, we'd feel really sad. And even though they expanded on that throughout, like through the conversation and said they would feel sad because of how people might treat that person. Yeah, I just always internalized that, like that, that first part. So for me, coming out as bisexual or pansexual or whatever you want to call it, like, I just really internalized a lot of negative messaging around that being whether or not that was okay.

Yeah, yeah. I think what they were trying to say is like, we, you know, we would love and accept you guys no matter what. That was always their central message to us about everything in life. But yeah, to be focusing on like, yeah, it would be really hard for you to live that life. People are, you know, judgmental and there's a lot of stereotyping and prejudice. But yeah, I can completely understand how that that piece of it would lock in your head and be like, oh, it's like they would be sad for me to know about this.

I wasn't even aware of it at the time. I just remember thinking like that. I thought that it sounded messed up basically and I was not even aware of my own sexuality or like curiosity at that point. Yeah, yeah, but, yeah, but I think, yeah, just having it be more like normalized and, and kind of framed as like a positive thing that like exploration, curiosity, your changing body, like all these things are, are a positive thing instead of like, oh, this is uncomfortable or we shouldn't talk about this or whatever.

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah.

Jenny, what about you? Any other things that you wish they would have talked to you about?

Yeah, I could have done with like some guidelines or like what to look out for. Like what is the smart way? Like, I just remember, I don't know what year it was in high school, but at one, at one point you have to take health and there's a whole section, there's like a section about drugs and a section about whatever, but there's a section about sex. And that was kind of like what all the students waited all year for a very exciting few weeks when we were on the sex unit. And it just felt like you get to, you got to ask all the questions that you didn't get to ask in any other situation. And the teacher was so cool and so non judgmental and like you could just tell that she really enjoyed teaching this subject. And yeah, I think it would have been nice if they had been a little more open or just kind of like talked about it at all. But I don't remember a single conversation with them. Anything to do. I remember when I lost my virginity, mom told me that she was, she was like, oh, Jenny, I'm so disappointed in you. And it was like, what am I supposed to do now? Like, I can't Take it back.

Did you tell her that you lost your virginity?

Yeah, I told her, and I. Because I think I asked to go on birth control, but I was 18. Like, I was an adult technically at that point. And her first reaction was like, this look of shock and dread. And, like, she told me she was disappointed in me, actually.

Yeah, we did have a second conversation about that because I asked to be put on birth control when I had, like, my first serious boyfriend. And we were, you know, talking about having sex. And I remember coming to her and, like, wanting to have this conversation because it was still for me, like, yeah, just like, what you were saying, Jenny, about wanting some guidelines. Like, it was like, yeah, I'm in this serious relationship. I love my boyfriend. But, like, how do I know, you know, when it's right or when it's too soon? And I would have loved some, like, have a conversation with her about that. Like, give some guidelines about. Here's how you know that you're ready. And even if she would have said something like, you know, hey, it's good to wait. Like, just give yourself more time. That would have been fine. But just having some sort of conversation. But she told me, yeah, that she would not get me on birth control and that she was also disappointed that I was thinking about having sex. And, yeah, I remember her saying, like, well, I guess I can't, you know, fully prevent you from doing it, but I'm not gonna make it easy on you. And I just felt. Yeah, I was like, I feel like I'm being really responsible. Like, I'm coming to you and I'm trying to have a conversation with you. I'm trying to be safe and protect my body. And I'm also trying to be safe and, like, protect my spirit and my heart around it, too. And, yeah, to have gotten a little bit of guidance other than just, like, I'm gonna make it easy for you. She's not that crotchety. I'm making her sound pretty crotchety. But it was not a warm conversation.

I also think that if we had been having these conversations now, she would approach it so differently. Both of them would approach it so differently. Even going back to the gay thing, saying that they would be sad. I just feel like the way our culture has changed in the last 20 years, like, they would never say something like that nowadays.

Yeah, I was thinking about that, too. Or, like, some of these questions and thinking about some of this stuff. It's like, I think that some of their answers or approaches or the ways that they talked about things, I Don't know that if they had changed them even drastically, how much it would. I think it would have changed some things for me. But there's also so much that you're soaking in around you from other family, from movies, from culture, from friends, just like school and all the stuff, the messaging that you get. I don't know how. I don't know how much of a difference it would have made. I mean, I know there are certain things that I felt like were addressed maybe more directly, and I still have struggled around them because of other factors, you know, like outside.

I think they could have been a good guiding force. I mean, I do think, yeah, there's so much exposure that we're getting. And now, you know, like, we didn't really have the Internet when I was growing up. I'm dating myself a little there, but, yeah, now kids these days, it's like you're exposed to hardcore porn, you know, at an extremely young age. So I think at least just having a parent kind of guiding you and acknowledging, yeah, you're gonna learn about this from so many different angles, so many different people, just the culture in general. But, like, I want to be kind of guiding you through all of this.

Right? Yeah. I think I also wonder, like, how much I had a sense that there was. I know that mom is not Catholic, but she grew up Catholic. And I remember having a sense that there was some of that, like.

I.

Don'T know, like, energy in the house or the room or it's like it felt at times that she was much more conservative than some of my other friends, parents, or like, if there was. If any one of us had, like, either girl or a guy over at the house, is that you have to leave your door open and stuff like that, which I don't remember many of my friends having those kinds of rules. And I don't know if it was. If that. If that actually was the case, that it had to do with her Catholic upbringing or if I just got that from. I don't know. Did you guys feel that at all?

Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah. They definitely felt way stricter than any of my other friends.

Parents.

Yeah, they were not Chill. But that gives us a nice little segue into. We also have a video all about navigating the relationship between sex and religion and what to do if you were raised super religious or with parents who are religious and how to navigate, like, identifying what is it that you actually want to believe versus what you're. Religion taught you to believe. So we'll post that video right up here. All right, well, that wraps up a siblings fireside chat about our version of the talk. Thanks so much for watching. I hope this is helpful for you and maybe for any parents out there who are thinking about talking to their kids. Never too early to start. It's never too late to start. Hopefully we gave you some pointers, some things to think about when it comes to opening multiple conversations with your kid, not just one single conversation. So if you enjoyed this video, leave us a comment down below. Tell us your story of what your version of the talk was like and make sure to subscribe to our channel and hit that notification button so you get all of our new videos. Thanks so much for watching and we will see you next time.

Bye. Stop.

It's just making me look like you're inflating.

Okay. All right.

So if we haven't met before. Hey there. I'm Vanessa. Marin. I am. No, you can't drink water in the comments.

What the fuck going on? It's just for natural. Oh, I didn't know that. I didn't know that.

Check. Okay.