Stop Comparing Yourself - How To Stop Comparing Your Relationship To Social Media Relationships

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All right, Social media. We all know that it's a highlight reel and that millions of dollars get poured into social media marketing every year.

And yet we still find ourselves getting trapped in the comparison game, wondering how much money our old college roommate is making at their fancy job. Or feeling jealous of how skinny that food blogger is. Despite these really elaborate, elaborate, over the top recipes that she's posting.

Comparisons can be especially tricky when it comes to our relationships. Couples always look so happy on social media.

Oh yeah. We see beautifully staged engagement photos when we are still trying to get our partner to agree to be monogamous. We see people hitting these major life milestones like buying a house together or having kids, and we start to worry if we are falling behind. We see pictures of couples looking madly in love like they have never had a fight day in their lives and like they all just finished having some super hot sex.

It's so hard not to compare your relationship and then when you do, there's so many fears and doubts that come up. Did I really pick the right partner? Is our life boring? Do we argue too much? Is our sex life hot enough? Are we actually happy?

This video was actually inspired by a DM that I received on Instagram. So this woman wrote in and she said, I find myself comparing my relationship to yours and Xander's and mine feels, well, inadequate compared to yours. You two seem so in love with each other and don't seem to squabble. And my relationship doesn't seem as harmonious. I love your work, but whenever I see you and Xander stuff, it just makes me feel perhaps a bit envious. Alright, so before we get any further, let us take a quick second to introduce ourselves. We are Vanessa and Xander Marin. We're a married couple and we've been together for 13 years. And it is our mission to give you the tools that you need to create an extraordinary relationship. Inside of the bedroom and out. So I'm a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex therapy. And I've spent the last 15 years working with thousands of people and I've gotten to serve as a featured expert for major magazines and websites like the New York Times, oh, the Oprah Magazine.

And Real simple and I'm her husband. I used to work a pretty normal job in the corporate world, but I started seeing how much of an impact Vanessa was making with her work and I decided I had to join her so that we could reach even more people. And along the way, I picked up some pretty good insight into what does and doesn't make relationships work. Plus, I really just love sharing kind of honest and open anecdotes from our own relationship that can help you all.

All right, so in this video, we are going to show you how you can stop comparing your relationship to the ones that you see on social media. We're gonna give you concrete tips that you can put into practice starting tonight, as well as some nuggets of wisdom to remember the next time you find yourself aimlessly scrolling through and getting yourself caught in that dreaded comparison trap. After watching this video, we hope that social media won't ever have the power to make you feel inadequate or insecure about your relationship.

So before we get into our tips, we wanna take a second to say we don't think social media is all bad. Social media gets blamed for a lot of things these days, so it's an easy scapegoat. But we think there are a lot of positive aspects to social media. We have a lot of fun with Instagram and with our stories in particular. And while a lot of what you see on Instagram is heavily edited and made to look cohesive and visually appealing, we focused instead on trying to show up as our real selves and share our real life lessons and experiences with with you. We show up with bedhead and no makeup. We talk about the fights that we get into, and we share our embarrassing sex confessions. We work really hard to show the highs and the lows of being in a real relationship.

And if you want to follow along with our Instagram adventures, we will leave the link to our account down in the description box below.

We've also connected with and worked with so many wonderful, amazing people that we would have never met if not for social media. So while we firmly believe that social media can play a positive role in our lives, we also recognize that we could all use some guidelines for how to avoid falling into that comparison trap.

So the DM that we received was a really great reminder that that comparison trap is so strong. So despite all of our efforts to show the ups and downs of our own relationship, other people were still feeling jealous of our relationship, and they were comparing their relationship to ours. So the truth is that it is really hard to separate your own experience from the thousands of images and video that we are bombarded with on a daily basis. If you have found yourself questioning your relationship or your sex life based on the things that you see on social media, you are not alone. But with the tips that we are about to share, we really hope that you'll be Able to avoid getting stuck in that dreaded comparison trap. So let's get to it.

All right, so tip one is prioritize quality time without social media. This one is a bit of a no brainer, but it's so important that we included it first. Here's the thing about social media, the more time you spend on it, the more influential it's going to be on you. So if you're looking to feel better about your relationship and stop comparing it to the relationshipgoals accounts you see online, then you have to prioritize time without social media. Make sure you're carving out time for yourself without your phone. Time for exercise, sit down for a nice meal, take a long shower, go for a solo walk.

And of course you also want to prioritize spending quality time together as a couple without your phone. So one of the most common fights that couples get into is over how much time they each spend on social media. So we hear story after story of partners ignoring each other because they're so lost in their scrolling and or checking their phones during date night, even during sex. I hate to say it, but it's shockingly common. So you know how relationships look so perfect on social media. Ironically, quality time together without distractions is the key to creating a relationship that actually feels like what all of these unrealistic images look like. So it's the time when you bond, when you laugh, when you make memories together. It's the time when you feel the most connected and the most in love and even the most attracted to each other.

So put your phones away and focus on just being present, both alone and together as a couple. Take at least 20 minutes a day to have face to face conversation without your phones. Or designate a specific activity as social media free, like taking the dog on a walk or having dinner.

Alright, tip number two is to set boundaries. We love a good boundary and social media is no exception. So if you find that your social media consumption is consistently making you feel inadequate or even just jealous of a random stranger on the Internet, it is time to set some boundaries for yourself. Now the key word there is consistently so we all feel a little jealous or a little comparison from time to time, but if there is an account that is consistently making you feel terrible about yourself and about your relationship, unfollow it.

Yeah, no one's forcing you to follow them. On the other hand, you may want to start following more accounts that talk about the good, the bad and the ugly when it comes to relationships like ours. Look for other therapists or coaches or real life couples who show up authentically on social media. That way you'll get a much more realistic view of what relationships are really like.

Setting social media boundaries can also look like setting a maximum length of time time that you'll spend on a like in a day or even in a single sitting on social media. There are so many apps these days that can help you limit your usage, track how much time you're using, even block you from using social media if it comes to that point. But you know, whatever you need to do to make sure that your time online doesn't impede with your time in real life, just go ahead and do it.

All right, so tip three is Get Curious Writing off our last tip if you notice yourself consistently feeling jealous, inadequate or insecure from following certain accounts, try shifting your perspective and asking yourself what specifically you're getting jealous of.

So like I said a minute ago, jealousy is a pretty universal human experience. We all feel it from time to time, but we all get jealous for different reasons. So you could have a group of people all watching the same video or looking at the same post by a couple and they could all get jealous, but all for entirely different reasons. So maybe one person might get jealous about the couple's finances, another could get jealous about their bodies, another about the love that this couple seems to have for each other, another about their clothes, another about the way that the couple laughs and jokes together. So you want to get really curious about what exactly you are getting jealous of.

So jealousy feels crappy in the moment, but it can actually be a really great signal to us about the specific areas of our relationships that could use some work. So if you find yourself getting jealous about other couples sex lives, that may be a sign that it's time to work on your own sex life. If you're jealous about a couple always going on new adventures together, maybe it's time for some adventures of your own. Approaching your jealousy from a place of curiosity helps yourself have more grace and compassion next time you're feeling triggered.

All right, Tip number four Adopt an attitude of gratitude so it can be really easy to see what somebody else has online and feel jealous or inadequate in comparison. And this is especially true of relationships. So perhaps your bestie is always jetting off on vacations with her husband while you and your partner are trying to pay off your student loans and you haven't taken a real vacation in years. Or maybe you've been struggling to get pregnant, but every time you open Facebook, it seems like everyone you know, all your random Acquaintances are having babies left and right. Or maybe you and your partner have been struggling to connect intimately and seeing images of half naked women on Instagram are making you feel self conscious about your body and the state of your sex life.

Yeah, it can be really hard to see others with the things that we want most for ourselves, but the more that we compare ourselves to what we see online, the more dissatisfied we will be. Instead, try shift the focus on what you do have. So maybe you don't have the money for lavish vacations at the moment, but you do have time at home together to try new recipes or cook new meals together. Maybe you haven't gotten pregnant yet, but the process of trying has brought you and your spouse closer together. Maybe you've been struggling with intimacy and body image, but your partner has showered you with genuine compliments that make you feel better. There's always something to be grateful for, but it's up to you to focus on what you do have over what you don't.

Now, to make this even more practical, what you can do is try making a little ritual between you and your partner where every day you share five things that you're grateful for about each other and about your relationship. Now, the more specific and detailed you can get, the better. So for example, you don't want to say something like, I'm grateful for you. Like that's not really going to mean too much. But you could say something like, you know, I'm grateful for that joke you told earlier and how it made me laugh so hard that I cried.

Yeah, it feels really good to get compliments. So tip number five is celebrate your uniqueness. We'll be the first to admit that there's no one way to be in a healthy relationship. Relationships look different for everyone. Just because you see your feed filled with images of a certain type of relationship, it doesn't mean that your relationship has to look like that.

So we're all for every couple figuring out what works for them over adhering to some sort of societal norm. In fact, we have firsthand experience of opting out of societal norms, plenty of them. So we made the decision years ago that we didn't want to have children. And while our Instagram feeds may look very different from our own life, we feel really confident in that decision and in the happiness that it has created. And if you're curious about what led to that decision, we have an entire video about it which you can check out right up here. So bottom line here is to celebrate the ways that you differ from everything that you see online the unique aspects of your own relationship and don't feel like you have to be exactly the same as every other relationship out there. So if you and your partner are more goofy, silly types, don't feel like you have to be these, like, sensual, seductive types with each other. Just celebrate your goofy uniqueness.

All right, tip six is, remember that social media isn't real life. Because here's the thing about seeing other people's relationships on social media. They look great online. They look beautiful, passionate, loving, and perfect. And that's exactly why the couple posted it. To present the best version of themselves for their friends and their family to see. We've all heard that social media is a highlight reel, but it's so true. When was the last time you saw someone post a picture of the fight they had with their partner or a video of the difficult conversation they had about their marriage struggles?

Yeah, we actually had this really interesting conversation about it after we got that dm, because I was thinking, all right, we can try to show more of our own challenges and be even more vulnerable than we already are being. But then I was thinking about the logistics, like, okay, so let's say that you and I have a fight, and am I gonna go over to Instagram and make this story saying, I'm so mad at Xander, he's such a jerk. This is what he did. Blah, blah, blah, before I talked to Xander about it. Like, no, that wouldn't feel very good for either one of us. We wanna make sure that we talk about things together first. But then the reality is, by the time that we're sharing a challenge on Instagram, we've already talked about it, we've already resolved it. So even when we're talking about our challenges, we're still presenting it in this way where it's like, yeah, we've resolved it, we've gotten through it, and that might give people a much rosier picture than actually might have felt in the moment. So just keep in mind that even with the best of intentions, you know, even with people like us who really want to show up authentically in social media, there are logistical challenges that get in the way of being able to show all of the messy glory of relationships.

Yeah. So remember that at the end of the day, the majority of people are sharing their very best moments. Only these moments have been curated specifically to look and sound as best they can. It's just one moment out of millions of moments in that person's life.

So the next time you find yourself comparing your life and your relationship to something that you saw online. Try to think of that person as an art curator. So they're like hand selecting specific moments just like you would pieces of art. So you may find that with this image in mind, it's a lot easier to dismiss what you see online in favor of your living, breathing, real relationship.

That's right, you don't see the bad stuff in museums.

You certainly don't. Unless you think the art is bad.

Yeah. So that wraps up this video on how to stop comparing your relationship to the ones you see online. If you liked it, please give it a like and let us know in the comments down below if you have any other video topics you'd like us to cover. We're making these videos as valuable as possible and we would love to get your feedback and what you would like to see.

We hope they're as valuable as possible.

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And we have a gift for you as always. So if you're in a long term relationship and you're struggling to keep your sex life steamy, then you're definitely going to want to download our free guide, three Simple Daily habits to keep the spark alive in your relationship. So we reveal the top three things that we do every single day to keep our relationship and our sex life exciting. So you can click the link in the description box down below to download that free guide. Thanks so much for watching.

See you next time.