Vanessa and Xander Marin lay out five conversations couples need: acknowledgement that sex matters, emotional connection, desire, pleasure, and exploration. Their book Sex Talks goes deeper and comes out February 7, 2023.
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February 7, 2023
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Today we are finally giving you a sneak peek of our upcoming book, Sex Talks.
This is the five crucial conversations that every couple needs to have in order to have an extraordinary sex life. We would love your support in ordering the book. And in today's video, we are just going to to do one big spoiler and tell you all five conversations that are in this book and why we picked these five as the most important.
Have you already ordered the book? If you have, let us know down in the comments below. And if you are brand new, we just want to say hi first. This is Vanessa. I'm Xander Marin. Vanessa here is a sex therapist. I'm a regular guy. We've been together for 15 years and.
We wrote this book together. We did. And our account is all about giving you the tools, tips, and techniques that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship inside the bedroom and out. So go ahead and hit that subscribe button if that's something that you're interested in.
All right, so let's get into it and just tell you what are these five conversations that we think every couple should have? Obviously, there's so much more detail in the book than what we are going to say here, but we wanted to just tell you what they are and why we think they're so important.
Yeah. Why we picked these five out of all the conversations that you could possibly have about sex with your partner.
All right, so the first one is pretty straightforward. It's called acknowledgement, AKA sex. Sex is a thing, and we have it. I said straightforward, but I think a lot of couples miss this one, right?
Absolutely. I mean, I found in my work as a sex therapist that there were so many couples who never had a single productive conversation about their sex life. So we wanted to start off in a place that was going to feel approachable and manageable, like, ease our way into it and just get comfortable with sex as a topic of conversation. But even if you already do talk about sex in your relationship, if it's gone badly in the past, you're going to learn how to, like, reset things in your relationship. But even if you have had great conversations about sex in the past, you're also going to be able to use this conversation to turn into something a little bit different. We won't spoil it for you in this video, but there's a way that this acknowledgement conversation turns into something very fun that can add a lot of spice to your relationship for decades to come.
So that acknowledgement conversation really opens the door for all the rest of the conversations. The next Four. So the next one is connection, AKA what do we need to feel connected to each other?
Okay, so the book is called Sex Talks, right? And you might be expecting to hear a lot of conversations about fantasies or wild and kinky things. We will get to those, but not yet. One of the most important things that people don't realize is that sex is not just something that happens in the bedroom behind closed doors. Your sex life is impacted by the rest of your relationship and vice versa. So we actually wanted to start with emotional connection, one of the most important things in our relationship. For so many of us, if our emotional connection is not in a good place, we're not going to feel open to being sexual with our partner. And that emotional connection is something that we can experience throughout the entire day versus sex is something that, you know, we won't get too into, like how long a lot of people are lasting for sex, but it tends to be a much shorter time frame than the entire day. So we start with this idea of how can the two of you feel connected to each other, maintain that thread of connection throughout the day, and can honestly just start having more fun as a couple so that when you work into the more explicitly sexual topics, it feels like you have that foundation there with each other already.
All right, so now that you're feeling more connection, we get into our next conversation, which is desire, AKA what do we need to get turned on?
So this is one of the biggest areas that trips couples up, especially in long term relationships. It can feel like we lose that desire for each other. Maybe at the beginning of your relationship, it felt like you couldn't keep your hands off each other. Sex just felt so easy and effortless. And then you get a few years, a few decades down the road, and you're wondering, what happened to that and how do I get myself turned on? So this is an amazing conversation to have where you can start to understand yourself better, understand your partner better, and understand how you can create more excitement, more anticipation for being intimate with each other. So if it has been feeling like your relationship's kind of hit a little bit of a dry spell, you're in a little bit of a rut. You are going to love this conversation. And even couples who feel like you already have a great sex life, you're still going to learn how to keep that desire alive and blossoming and getting even stronger.
All right, so we got the connection, we've got the desire. What comes next? Pleasure, AKA what do we each need to feel good?
This is another dynamic that so Many couples don't understand. It kind of goes hand in hand with the last conversation that if we want to feel that desire for sex, that excitement for sex, we need to enjoy the sex that we're having. Like, why would you desire something that's not a super enjoyable experience? And sadly, this is an area where so many of us get led astray. We see what sex looks like in the movies, in tv, in porn, and we get these really distorted, unhelpful, and unrealistic ideas of what sex is supposed to be like. And this is especially true in male female relationships, where, to be honest, female pleasure really gets the short end of the stick. So in this chapter, we have so many fun and exciting conversations for you to help you discover what truly brings you pleasure, to give you the correct information you need about how sex really works, and to explain, explore truly making each other feel good. Because at the end of the day, that's one of the main reasons we have sex, to feel good. Right? But unfortunately, so many of us are having sex, it just feels kind of routine and boring and a little lackluster. So if your sex life is in a tough place right now, you will be having way more pleasurable sex by the end of this chapter. But even if you feel like you're already having pretty great sex, you're gonna learn how to take it up a notch. Trust me.
All right, so you're feeling really good. What's next? We end with exploration. AKA what should we try next?
So one of the great things about sex is there is always something new to explore. And research has actually shown that when we do new things with our partner inside and outside of the bedroom, that is what keeps the spark alive. It's what keeps that excitement, that enthusiasm, that energy for connecting with each other. Now, of course, the problem is a lot of people hear this idea of experience exploring in the bedroom, trying new things, and we get really nervous and in our heads, like, I don't have any fantasies. I can't think of anything. I don't know what to do. So this conversation really gives you so many tools for understanding what you could explore, what the best options are going to be for you, and how to actually go about exploring those things. Like, so many times we hear this advice to, like, oh, just try out a fantasy. And then we get in the moment, like, I don't know how to actually do this.
Yeah, just do it. How?
Yeah. So this conversation is really going to guide you through how to try out those new things in a way that feels safe, not overwhelming, but still really exciting. And it'll just give you this feeling that there's always something new for the two of you to explore together, that you just have years and years and decades of exploration to come.
All right, well, that wraps up our video on the five crucial conversations that every couple should be having. We would love for you to order our book, Sex Talks. It is out February 7, 2023. And if you like this video, you can give it a like, hit the red button to subscribe to our YouTube channel. And while you're at it, hit the notification icon so, you know, as soon as we post more videos.
