The Ultimate Guide To Talking To Kids About Sex - What To Say And When To Say It

Maybe I'd start a video. It is time to have the talk.

Oh, God.

With your kid.

Oh, God.

Now, if you're like most parents, you absolutely dread the thought of having to talk about sex with your kids. You're thinking things like, you know, how much do I need to tell them? Is there such a thing as saying too much?

What?

When should we start? Should you wait until they ask you something? Should you just throw a book at them and hope they absorb it all? Or, you know, what's the best way to go about this?

I'm getting overwhelmed already. Not to mention the fact that you're probably uncomfortable with some aspects of your own sexuality. So how do you talk to your kid about having a healthy relationship with their body when you hate parts of yours? How do you tell them to make good sexual decisions when you might regret some of yours? It's a lot to think about.

Oh, yes. So it is totally understandable if all that you want to do right now is bury your head in the sand and pretend that your kid's a virgin until their wedding night. But the conversations that you have about sex in the early years of your child's life are profoundly important to their future sexual health and happiness.

Oh, yeah.

Research has actually shown that kids who talk about sex and relationships with their parents are less likely to take risks with their sex life and far more likely to make healthy decisions. So today we have got your back with our best tips for having the talk with your kids.

If you're brand new here, then hi, we are Vanessa and Zander Marin. Vanessa's a sex therapist and we've been together for 13 years.

And we are here to give you the tools that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship. Inside of the bedroom and out.

So.

So if you are interested in that, who isn't? Go ahead and hit that subscribe button right now.

So here's the thing. Our business exists because parents struggle so much talking about sex. As kids, we're given very little accurate information about sex. We're exposed to tons of it. On tv, in the movies, in porn. And these unrealistic depictions of sex that we see often end up being our only teachers, sadly. So the vast majority of our business here is built up around giving adults the sex education that we never received as kids.

I like to say, though, that our goal is to put ourselves out of business. We would love there to be a world where this kind of sex education just is not necessary, where we all have all the information that we need to create happy and healthy sex lives.

Please put us out of business, guys.

Yes. Actually my interest in being a sex therapist goes back to my parents attempt at having the talk with me. I remember being very curious about sex. I already knew way more than they thought I knew at that point.

Don't we all?

But they were, you know, very embarrassed bringing it up. They only asked me, you know, if you have any questions about sex, you can ask us. But it was very clear to me that what they were really saying is, please for the love of God, do not ask us anything about sex.

This is your one chance to not ask anything.

Yeah. So I remember, you know, even at that young age, I had no idea that I could be a sex therapist or that this field existed. But I remember thinking like, why is this so hard to talk about sex? Why can't we just talk about it? And that really is the foundation of what we do as a business to this very day. On a little side note, if you are interested in hearing more about that early attempt at the talk, actually my siblings and I filmed a just very casual little video where we talked about each of our experiences getting the talk. So we'll put a link to that right right up here. So we know that talking to your children about sex can feel really nerve wracking and very uncomfortable. But do not let that sway you from giving it a shot.

Oh yeah.

So before we get started and get into all of our tips, we are really curious to know, did your parents try to have the talk with you or did they just avoid it all together?

Yeah. Was it super awkward?

Leave us a yes or a no in the comments down below.

All right, so let's get into the tips. So tip number one is start early. It's important to start these conversations early because with Internet and cell phone access so readily available these days, your child is likely going to receive information a lot earlier than you did as a kid. Most parents wait far too late to start having these conversations about sex with their kids. By the time my parents talked to me about sex, I already knew way more than they realized.

Yeah.

Yeah. So we get that it can feel hard to bring up the realities of sex when your child still feels like a little ball of innocence. But you don't need to start talking about condoms or dental dams when Your kid is 5 years old. There's so many different aspects of sexuality to discuss with your child based on what's appropriate for their current age. So our general advice is to start talking about sexuality when your kids are still quite young and then let that conversation unfold become more complex and nuanced as they get older. This sends the message to kids that sex is something that's okay to talk about. It's on the table, like, from early on all the way through their teenage years.

All right, tip number two is to have many conversations, not just one. So I know we all talk about this as the talk, but it really should be many, many, many talks. And that actually takes a lot of the pressure off of you. Like, if you build it up in your head as just, you know, okay, I've got this one shot to get it right, that's gonna feel pretty overwhelming. But if you think about it as, hey, this is a topic of conversation. We're going to talk about sex the same way we talk about what's for dinner. You know, that makes it feel a lot less intimidating. So the idea here, have multiple conversations about sex with your child, you know, paying attention to what feels age appropriate. And we will get into exactly what is age appropriate.

Don't worry.

But this just gives them lots of time and space to get comfortable talking to you, coming to you with their questions. Okay, so let's talk about what is age appropriate. So we've got a little breakdown for you of each stage, what you should be talking about.

We got you.

So around age 2 or 3, you can start by simply telling your kids the anatomically correct names for body parts like vagina and penis. So teach them these names the same way you would teach them names of other body parts, like their ankle or their shoulders. Kids are naturally very curious, and part of their development involves experimenting, exploring their own bodies. So you might find that they just naturally ask questions about body parts or ask why mom or why dad has different body parts. So this can be a really great place to start. You can also start introducing more nuanced understandings of gender by using terms like people with penises or people with vaginas. Instead of saying things like, all men.

Have penises around age three to five, you can give them a basic idea of how babies are made and born. We're talking really, really simple, like, mom has a uterus and you grew up in there, or when it was time for you to be born, mom pushed you out.

She pushed you right out.

Yeah, you can start to introduce the idea of consent by not forcing them to touch people or to be touched by other people if they don't want physical contact.

For ages 6 to 7, you can give a basic understanding of what intercourse is. And you can start having more nuanced conversations about conception. So for example, you could say something like a penis and a vagina fit together like puzzle pieces. Or a baby is made when a sperm meets an egg. You can also describe other forms of conception, like ivf. You can talk to them about adoption. Certainly if you have your own story about how, you know, your baby was brought into this world, that is the time to talk to them about it.

Yeah. For me, for example, my sister is adopted. And so, yeah, I became very familiar with that concept. Started starting at, like, age 3 or 4, which is nice. Yeah. Around 8 or 9, kids start becoming more emotionally aware and they might start asking questions about the role of sex in a relationship. This may be the time where you start saying things like, well, when two people care about each other, sex can be one of the ways that they show their love for each other. This is also the age where kids are mature enough to have more nuanced conversations about consent, which is very important. So you can talk about the fact that they get to decide what to do with their partner bodies, and they should never let another person pressure them into doing something that they don't want to do.

From ages 9 to 11, puberty kind of becomes the focus for kids as they prepare to enter this new phase of their lives.

Whether it's something happening to them or they're seeing happen to other people in their class or the next grade, you can't hide from it.

You could not pay me enough money to go through puberty again. So you're gonna want to prepare.

Don't say that to your kid.

Don't say that to your kid. But you're gonna want to prepare them for the changes that their body is going to. To go through during this stage. This can be a great point to give them a book with detailed information, but make sure that you keep initiating conversations so they don't think you've just, like thrown the book at them and that's their only resource.

Oh, yeah. That was the experience that one of my best friends had. And I, believe me, I was. I looked at that book a lot. But yeah, it would have been nice to have conversation about it.

This is also a great time to start talking to them about different sexual orientations if it hasn't come up even earlier as well. Because a lot of kids at the time age start realizing that they have attractions to people that are different than who they think they're supposed to be attracted to. Now, depending on when your kid starts accessing the Internet, so this might be way earlier or it might be in this stage, but you'll also need to have conversations about porn because they will inevitably come across it. So tell them that porn is adults doing adult things. You want to be really careful not to make porn, porn seem totally taboo or forbidden because that will just naturally stoke their curiosity and make them want to go seek it out. But you can tell them that porn doesn't realistically depict sex. You can talk about porn as entertainment, and you can talk about how you would like to wait them to wait until they're older to watch porn, because it can affect the way that they think about sex or what they think sex really is. Now, this may also be the age to discuss sex, sexual abuse. So hopefully you've already been talking to them about consent and about boundaries, but you want to reiterate that no one should ever touch them. They should never be asked to touch somebody else. Ask for naked photos, all kinds of things. So this can be an upsetting conversation to have with your kid. But it's so important for them to understand that boundaries and consent are extremely important and that they should never be forced into situations that make them feel uncomfortable.

Yeah. And it's also just good for us to acknowledge that there's more to this conversation than exist when most of us were younger with the advent of the iPhone. So at age 12, kids start to formulate their own values and opinions. They're going to hear a lot from their friends and from the Internet, no matter what you do. So at this point, it's good to be regularly checking in about the information that they're receiving and whether or not they have any questions for you. Around 11 and 12, you should also give them some more information about safe sex and contraception.

Now, by the time your kid hits their teens, all the hard work that you put into talking about sex at different stages of their lives is really going to pay off.

Oh, yeah.

So they may feel hopefully a lot more comfortable coming to you with questions, and you'll be able to have much, much more nuanced conversations with them about sex, social media, sexual abuse, consent, the role of drinking and drugs with sex, and healthy decision making making.

All right, let's move on to tip number three. Now that you know exactly what to say and when to say it, tip number three is let them initiate conversations, too. So while it's important for you to be active in opening up conversations about sex, you can often follow your child's lead to some extent. Kids are naturally curious, and they're often going to just blurt out questions without thinking about them as they go through different stages of development, they're going to have questions. Questions about their bodies, about babies, about sex.

Sometimes really hilarious questions.

Yeah. And about relationships. And so they're going to give you tons of opportunities to start a conversation. If they seem curious about a certain topic, you can try asking them, so what do you want to know about Blank.

All right, tip number four is to be informative and direct. So we already said we know that talking about sex is hard.

Hard.

We know it can be really tempting to skirt around certain subjects or to use silly euphemisms. We know that people, you know, adults struggle with saying words like sperm and vagina. But it is really, really important to answer your child's questions about sex simply and straightforwardly. So you don't have to go into a ton of detail, especially with younger kids, but you can still make sure that you're giving them accurate information. So, for example, if your son points to his genitals and asks, what's that? You can tell him that it's his penis. And if your 8 year old asks how babies are made, do not talk to them about storks. Instead, talk about, you know, an egg meeting a sperm and all that kind of stuff. You know, these types of responses will just help your child understand that sex is normal, natural, and nothing to be ashamed of.

I think kids have a pretty good idea when they're being told a story versus something. Something real.

Yeah. So make sure to end with something like, does that answer your question? Or do you have any other questions? And when the talk is over, you can also say something like, I'm really glad that you asked me that. We can talk about this anytime you want. So just little phrases like that just really drive home the message to your kid that it is okay to talk about sex.

Yeah, I think that last thing is so helpful. All right, tip number five is jump on natural conversation openers. Aside from answering questions, you can also find ways to work sex into everyday conversations when it's relevant. So if you have a pregnant friend or a family member when you and your kid are in private, tell them. Today we learned that Sarah's going to have a baby. And now I want to tell you how babies are made. Or if you see something in a movie or a TV show, make sure to explain the significance behind what you just watched. This can be particularly helpful when talking about gender and sexuality stereotypes that are perpetuated in school or media.

All right, tip number six, teach healthy boundaries. It is vital for kids to understand that their body is their own and that they get to make decisions about what to do with it. So even very early in their life, don't force them to hug or kiss people when they don't want to. Tell them that no one should ever touch their body without their permission except for their parents or a doctor. And help them understand that they have complete agency over their own body. All right, tip number seven, be prepared to talk about masturbation. We're going there. All right, so get ready for an uncomfortable sentence. Your child is going to masturbate. Now, the really important thing to realize is that children do not think of masturbation the way that adults do. It's not a sexual thing for them. Like we said earlier, children are just naturally curious. They are totally delighted by their bodies. They love exploring, exploring their bodies. So all that they are doing is exploring, having fun. It's not a sexual thing. So this can be a really upsetting thing for parents to see because we put that sexualized lens on it and you think, oh my God, my three year old is a sexual pervert. They're masturbating. But you want to be really, really careful not to shame them because this kind of behavior is completely normal. It's really frustrating to me that it doesn't get talked about more often. Like, I get so many DMs from people saying, I can't tell anybody else this. I'm so humiliated to be messaging this stranger on the Internet. But I just caught my kid doing this and I'm so worried about them. And then whenever I send back even this simple message saying, no, no, no, that's completely normal, everything's okay. There's such a huge sigh of relief. So we gotta talk about childhood masturbation more, even though I know it's very uncomfortable. So again, expect that your child will masturbate. Realize that it's not a sexual thing, and try your hardest not to shame them for this moment. Completely normal and natural behavior. Instead, what you want to focus on is boundaries around it. So, for example, let's say that you catch your child touching themselves out in public. This is a perfect example of when parents get really freaked out and stressed out about this. So instead, what you want to focus on is that you don't want them to be doing it in public, but not that the behavior itself is bad. So keep your voice really calm and steady, take a deep breath, and you can very cheerily smile at them and say something like that. Hey, I know that feels good. But that's something that we do at home in private. Okay, so Again, no shaming here. Totally natural.

All right, tip number eight, get both parents involved. This is a quick one, but it's really important that both parents be on board with mutual sex education. If just one parent is relaying information, then you're going to be sending mixed messages to your kid.

All right, tip number nine, be gentle with yourself. Talking about sex is hard. I feel like that's the hundredth time I've said that in that video. But you are not always going to get it right. You're probably going to get embarrassed, and that is okay. You are human, so you're going to make mistakes. But as long as you keep making a consistent effort to communicate with your kid, your kid will get the message that sex is normal and healthy and something that is not wrong or embarrassing to talk about. And you can also talk to your kids about whatever mistakes you might make, so, you know, own up to them. This is a really powerful thing for kids to be able to see. So let's say, for example, you're watching a movie with your kid and there was some sort of sexual joking, and your kid asks you, like, what's anal? And maybe in the moment you just freaked out and blurted out, like, nothing. Don't ever do that. So you can always come back around, like, a couple hours later the next day, whatever, and, you know, say something to your kid like, hey, you know, I got really embarrassed when we were watching that movie and you asked me that question. Sometimes sex is hard for me to talk about. And then you might be able to, like, throw in some details of your own experience. So maybe something like, you know, your grandma never talked to me about sex, and so I had a really hard time understanding that this is something normal and natural. You might want to throw in something like, you know, it's really important to me that you and I talk about sexual and that I teach you that sex is normal and healthy and nothing to be embarrassed about and say something like, you know, sometimes I mess up. I don't always say the thing that I mean to say. But anal is nothing embarrassing. I want to talk to you about it. Do you want to talk about it now? So just owning up to your mistakes again, It's a super powerful experience for kids to hear. So don't be afraid of those mistakes. Just use them as a learning opportunity as well.

Oh, yeah. And I come to realize there are so many sexual innuendos in movies that you think are totally tame. I rewatch it. I'm like, oh, my God. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

All right, so Moving on, tip number 10 is it is never too late to open up a conversation. Okay, so let's say that you're watching this video right now, and you realize your kid is a lot older than you would like to admit. You didn't have these conversations yet, and you're feeling kind of guilty. Maybe you feel like you missed a chance to have an earlier discussion and now you have a sexually active teenager. Or maybe you relied on their school to give them a sexual education and never got around to it yourself. Like we just mentioned in the last tip, we know it can be easy to beat yourself up, but again, you are only human. Own up to the fact that you didn't take action sooner, but do not let that prevent you from taking action now. It's never too late to open up a dialogue with your kid and let them know that you're there to answer any questions. Questions that they have, share your experiences, and give them advice. Whichever age your child is, tell them that they can come to you with whatever questions or concerns they might have.

All right, so that wraps up our ultimate guide to talking to your kid about sex. We hope that these 10 tips made the talk, or as we now know, the many talks, feel a lot less.

Intimidating or even just a little bit.

Yeah, we'll take what we can yet.

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Thanks so much for watching.

See you next time.