Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, breaks down three unrealistic expectations men face: always initiating sex, always being in control, and knowing their partner's desires without being told. These outdated rules hurt both partners by breeding resentment and killing communication. She suggests sharing initiation and control, and talking about what you actually want.
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Hi, I'm Vanessa Marin. I'm a sex therapist, coach, and writer. And I'm here to help you take your sex life from ordinary to extraordinary. Today, I want to talk to you about unrealistic expectations that we put on men when it comes to sex. And I want to talk about three different ideas. The idea that men should always initiate sex, that they should always be in control during sex, and that they should know exactly what you want in the bedroom and be able to deliver. Now, those first two are pretty tied into each other, so I want to talk about them together. These beliefs really stem from some pretty outdated stereotypes about the roles that men and women are supposed to play in relationships. I'm talking 1950s style relationships where the man was fully in control of everything and the woman was pretty subservient and even submissive. Now, most people these days have realized that they don't want to have these kinds of relationships. They want to have relationships where both partners feel like each and there's more balance of power in the relationship. But this imbalance of power has really lingered in our bedrooms. So there are a lot of women out there in heterosexual relationships who really look to their male partners to be the leader of their sex lives, where he's always initiating sex, always controlling what they're doing in the moment when sex comes to an end, what positions they're in every single step of the way when they're having sex, the reality is that this kind of outlook on sex is really harmful and difficult for both men and women. So let's take a look at the men first. Now, when it comes to initiating sex, the thing about initiating sex is that it's always a really vulnerable experience. Whenever you initiate sex, you're putting yourself in the position of being turned down by your partner. And no matter how long you've been with your partner or how many times they may have said yes to your initiations in the past, being turned down stings. And having to initiate every single time feels real vulnerable. And a lot of men start to resent their partners, that their partner is not ever stepping up and initiating or asking for what she wants. He's always the one who has to do that. And it gets worse when it comes to him feeling like he has to be in the lead every single step of the way when they're having sex. Now, the reality is that when we are the one who is fully in control of something, it doesn't usually feel good long term. So you might be able to think of an area in your life where you're fully in control, and it's not. Not actually that enjoyable. So maybe you're the main person who takes care of your kids, and you really wish that your partner would step it up and help give them a bath or drop them off at soccer practice. Maybe you're in control of the finances and you really wish that your partner would at least log into your account and check your statement balance. So being in control might sound like fun, but when you're always the one who has to do that role and you feel like there's no other alternative, it very quickly loses its appeal. Now, and let's look at the woman's perspective in this. When you're just looking to your male partner to fully be in control of every aspect of your sex life, that means that you don't ever actually get to take any ownership of your sex life. You don't get to explore and discover and figure out what you actually like and what you want. You're just relying on your partner to let you know what they want and just following along with their desires. So this is really a way that we women end up becoming separated from our sexuality because we're relying on our partner to just do everything for us, lead everything for us. And it just doesn't feel very good for women either. So if you value having balance and equality in your relationship, make sure that extends to in the bedroom as well. You want both partners to have a balance of who's initiating sex and who's in control. It'll make it feel much better and much less pressure for both of you. Now, the third myth is this idea that a man should always know what you want in the bedroom and be able to deliver without you even having to ask for what you want, to give feedback, or even to know what you want or need in the first place. This is another unrealistic expectation that is super harmful to both men and women. Now, for men, it is an awful lot of pressure to be expected to know exactly what your partner wants and be able to give exactly that to your partner with no feedback whatsoever. It causes a lot of anxiety for a lot of men. Most men aren't able to really talk about this fact, so they're just sort of shouldering that anxiety privately, and it's creating a lot of tension inside of them. And for women, this is not a great expectation to have of your male partners either. It's another way that we end up being divorced from our own sexuality. One of my specialties is female orgasm. I have taught thousands of women how to have their first orgasms and how to experience more pleasure during sex itself. And what I have found time and time again is that it is just not possible to learn how to orgasm with your partner until you learn how to orgasm orgasm on your own. It's like that RuPaul saying, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else if you don't love yourself? Same thing applies to orgasm. You have to learn what makes your body tick before you learn how to experience that kind of pleasure with your partner. So if it's important to you to experience pleasure and orgasm during sex, it's super crucial that you learn to explore that on your own and not put all that pressure on your partner to just magically, out of nowhere, with no feedback whatsoever, know exactly what makes you tick. All so those are the three main unrealistic expectations that we have of men when it comes to sex. Expecting that men should always initiate sex, that they should be in control of sex every step of the way, and that they should know exactly what you want and be able to give it to you. All right, if you liked this video, hit the subscribe button below to be notified the next time I post a brand new video and I would also invite you to join my email list. I will post the link below. I send out a weekly email with free tips, techniques, strategies and suggestions. So I would love to have you join my community over@vmtherapy.com.
