Vibrators 101: Using Sex Toys With a Partner for the First Time

Maybe I'd start a video like this. Have you ever wished you could just whip your vibrator out in the middle of sex without your partner batting an eye? So most women feel totally comfortable using vibrators on their own, but really intimidated about the idea of using one with a partner. So today, we are here to help you bring all the good vibes. Pun fully intended.

Oh, yeah.

Into the bedroom.

If you're new here, then hello, we are Vanessa and Zander. Vanessa here is a sex therapist, and we've been together for 13 years.

And our channel is all about giving you the tools you need to create an extraordinary relationship inside of the bedroom and out. So if you are interested in having that, go ahead and subscribe to our channel right now.

Let's do it. All right, so you want to bring your trusty vibrator into the bedroom, but you're a little unsure of how to do it. Let's be honest, this usually only comes up when you're with a male partner. It can feel tricky to bring it up to your partner because you might worry that it'll send the wrong message. You might be afraid that your partner will feel insulted, possibly emasculated, or that he's just not enough on his own.

Yeah, we hear about this a lot from women just really, really worried about insulting their partner.

Yeah. But all this really couldn't be further from the truth. Of course, I can't speak for all men here, but I can tell you that most men are way more open to playing with vibrators in the bedroom than most women realize.

In fact, we recently surveyed our male audience on Instagram, and get this, 93% of men said that they were interested in playing with a vibrator in the bedroom.

That's a lot.

It is. So before we get any further, we are really curious to know how you feel about vibrators. So. So in the comments down below, leave us a one, if you are interested in playing with a vibrator with your partner. And leave us a two, if you just prefer not to use toys, they're just not your jam.

So why should you want to incorporate a vibrator into your sex life with a partner? Well, first of all, a lot of women simply enjoy the sensations that vibrators create. And why wouldn't you want to experience that amount of pleasure when you're with your partner, too?

Now, second, if you typically use a vibrator on your own to have an orgasm, using one with a partner will make you that much more likely to have an orgasm. With them.

Sounds good.

So, that being said, I do want to offer a quick little caveat. You can't get addicted to your vibrator. There's a lot of vibrator fear mongering out there. But if you only use a vibrator every time you masturbate, you can get accustomed to that kind of stimulation and that can make it harder to orgasm in other ways. So some women are perfectly happy having all of their orgasms from a vibrator, and that is great. But if you do want to experience different types of orgasms, not always have to use the vibrator every single time, it's definitely a good idea to mix it up on your own and try it. Sometimes when you're masturbating not using the.

Vibrator, it's generally always a good tip in all walks of life.

Mix it up with yourself, mix it up with your partner. Just mix it up always.

All right. Now third, using a vibrator with your partner can take the pressure off of them from needing to know exactly what you want, when you want it. All of that. The vibrator can really take on a lot of the work.

And fourth, it can be really bonding and just fun to experiment with things in the bedroom. This is one of our favorite tips for all couples. Like, try new things together. It really is a lot of fun. So vibrator is just another way to try something new with your partner.

All right, so let's get into our top tips for incorporating vibrators into the bedroom.

All right, tip number one is to check your biases. So one of the biggest misconceptions about vibrators is that they're only for safety, single women, that you shouldn't need to use them once you get into a relationship. But that is just so wrong. Plenty of people in relationships use sex toys. And using a sex toy doesn't say anything about how satisfied or not satisfied you are with your partner's sex life. It just means that you like the sensations that sex toys create. So like we mentioned earlier, sometimes women feel concerned that bringing toys into the bedroom will offend their partner in some way. But the truth is that most partners want to see you enjoying yourself. And it doesn't really matter, like, what the vehicle is for that enjoyment.

Yeah.

And if your partner doesn't want to see you experiencing pleasure during sex, why are you having sex with them?

Wow. Zing.

So just like role playing or wearing costumes can be a fun, like, extra element to sex, using a vibrator just enhances the experience with Your partner and it creates a different kind of sensation. It puts more options on the table. It's just plain fun.

All right, tip number two is bring it up with confidence. So here's the mistake that we see a lot of women make. They work up the courage to suggest using a vibrator with their partner and then they do it in this really embarrassed, kind of apologetic sort of way. But here's the thing, if your partner can sense that discomfort, that's probably going to make them feel a little uncomfortable or unsure too.

Yeah. Even if they would have been totally fine with the idea of using a toy, if they see you being really uncomfortable and awkward about it, it might send them the message of like, oh wait, am I actually not supposed to want this? Is this like a little trick or something like that?

Yeah. Let's say you want your vibes to match the request that you're making.

Oh, zing.

Wow. Unscripted there. So yeah, you know, just keep reminding yourself that there is no shame to wanting to explore in the bedroom. And that includes the use of vibrators.

That's actually a great way to just reframe the entire conversation. Just think about it as trying something new in the bedroom together. So let's say, for example, you wanted to try cowgirl position with your partner. You probably wouldn't apologize to them about it or bring it up in this really weird way. You probably feel a lot more light hearted about it, like, hey, let me get on top. Or like, you know what sounds hot, Let me get on top.

So let's talk about some different scenarios here. So if you're with a casual or a new partner, you can probably just whip out that vibrator and when things are getting hot and heavy and say, let's play with this or why don't you use this on me for a little bit? Just keep it light and casual.

Okay. So let's say though that you're with a long term partner, you've never used a vibrator or any sort of sex toy together, never talked about it, and you are feeling a little bit nervous about their reaction. So in that case, it might be a better idea to have a conversation outside of the bedroom first. So you can say something like, you know what, we've never tried together playing with a vibrator.

Sounds good.

Or you could say something like, I watched this YouTube video about couples using a vibrator together and it sounded pretty hot to me.

Blame us.

So if you are really worried about your partner's reaction, you can focus on how this is something fun that you want to try together in the exact same sort of way that you might suggest trying a new sex position or having sex in a different place. You're focusing on this being like a shared experience between the two of you that you're excited about, you're looking forward to. Now, if you don't already have a vibrator or you don't have one that you really love, another thing you could do is look at a sex toy shop online together and pick something out. So that's another way to make it feel like it's something that you're doing together.

Yeah, that's a good idea. So if the idea of talking about sex openly and vulnerably sounds really terrifying to you, then don't worry. We have a special gift for you. We realize that for so many people, talking about sex is not something that happens very frequently. So in order to have a healthy and a thriving sex life, you need to be able to talk about it. So we created a free guide called how to start talking about sex with your partner, even if you never have before. We're going to include the link in the description so that you can download that guide.

All right, Tip number three is to remember that vibrators are an addition, not a replacement.

Definitely not a subtraction.

Yes. So here's the thing. Vibrators are amazing. They can be a lot of fun to play with, but they are never going to replace a living, breathing human being. No, you can't make out with your vibrator. You can't snuggle with it afterwards.

I mean, you could. It just might not be particularly enjoyable.

Yeah, you can't, like, have a relationship with a vibrator. When you're using a vibrator with a partner, the vibrator is there to heighten the sensation that you feel with your partner, not replace it. So that's why using a vibrator with your partner can be so fun, because you're just adding to the sensations. It's not like you're telling your partner, don't touch me at all. Only want to use the vibrator like you're having that experience with them. So if your partner does feel self conscious at all, just remind your partner that a vibrator could never replace how good they make you feel.

Yeah, that's a really good one. All right. Tip number four is stay engaged with your partner. Vibrators can make masturbation and orgasm feel almost effortless. It can be super easy to just lie back, take it Easy. And let the motor do all the work.

Yeah. A lot of women tell me that they turn into lazy masturbators with vibrators. They're just like, I just let it do its thing.

Yeah. So if that describes you, then, you know, when you're being intimate with your partner while using a vibrator, try to stay engaged with them rather than just zoning out into that vibrator bliss. Remember, the vibrator is there to enhance everything else that you're doing with your partner. So, you know, if you're, like, away on another planet zoning out, acting like your partner isn't even there, they might feel a little jilted, like, you know, hello, have sex with me. Am I just a vibrator holder? Don't forget to make eye contact, talk to them, and just, you know, keep touching them. You can even take little breaks from the vibrator and focus on your partner's body, too, to really drive it home that you are there.

All right, Tip number five is to show your partner how to use the vibrator. So the really interesting thing is you could take 10 different women, give them all the exact same vibrator, and they would all use it in pretty, pretty different ways. So there's a lot more to using a vibrator than just, like, turning it on and holding it in place. So you want to show your partner how to operate the toy. So you can even go through, like, here are the different settings here, how you so you make adjustments. Show them you know, what your favorite settings are. The speed that you like, maybe the vibration sensation that you like. And you can even make this extra sexy by putting on a little show for your partner and masturbating with the vibrator in front of of them. This is super hot and also very educational as well. So you can do that and then describe to your partner what you're doing. So, for example, you can say something like, you know, I don't like it to touch my clitoris directly. I like going in circles around my clitoris, or something like that. You could also try putting the vibrator in their hand and then putting your hand over their hand and kind of like guiding them through using it on you. So just make sure that you communicate about how you like it to your partner. So you want to give them feedback like, you know, push it against me a little bit more or move your hand a little bit faster. Don't expect your partner to just instinctively or intuitively know exactly how to use it. And if you need some ideas for Sex positions that allow the space for using vibrators. At the same time, we have a whole video dedicated to the best positions for female orgasm, which you can watch right here.

All right, Tip number six is use it on your partner, too. It's not just for you. Vibrators can feel good for men, too. And this is a great way to help him understand the joys of a vibrator. So if your partner is male, gently caress his penis or taint or balls with vibrator as you stimulate him with your mouth or your hand.

You can even use it on other parts of the body, too. Use it as an actual massager. Especially if you have one of those vibrators that's marketed as a personal massager, you can try using it on other parts.

Put it through his paces.

All right, Tip number seven is to try a couple's toy. So there are plenty of vibrators out there that are designed with couples in mind. So you can get a vibrating cock ring. You can get partner toys that go like inside and outside of the woman. You can even get Bluetooth operated toys that one partner can have the controls of. So using a couple's toy can make vibrator play feel more like equal and balanced between the two of you. And it can just be really fun to explore all the different kinds of toys that are out there.

Yeah.

So let's talk about one final situation. Oh, yes, let's say that you do bring this up with your partner. You follow all of our tips, but your partner does seem to get offended. They think like, well, why can't? Why am I not good enough for you? You know, why can't? Why do you need to bring this extra thing into the bedroom? So if that is the case for you, we think that probably what's happening is that your partner doesn't understand the realities of how female orgasm works. Unfortunately, most people don't. It's a huge part of the reason why we even have this channel to begin with.

Men and women.

Yeah. So he might, especially if it's a guy, he might be operating under these assumptions that you should be able to orgasm from penetration during intercourse, that his penis alone should be able to do the trick. So what we suggest is that the two of you check out our ultimate guide to female orgasm, which we will link to that goes through all the myths about female orgasm and the truth that you need to know about how female orgasm really works. Because we guarantee you, once you guys both understand what you need to reach orgasm, your partner is going to be much more willing and game to help you get there.

Yeah. Cause after all, it is about you. It is not about them. All right, so that wraps up our video on how to bring a vibrator into the bedroom. We really hope that this was helpful and that you feel inspired to just start exploring more. So please, like this video, hit that red button to subscribe to our channel. And while you're at it, hit the notification icon. So you keep getting these videos as soon as we post them.

Thanks so much for watching.

See you next time.