We Don't Want Children. - Childfree Marriage

So today is going to be a vulnerable one. We want to talk about something that we haven't really ever talked about openly before.

So here it goes. We don't want kids.

Before we get into it, let us first take a second to introduce ourselves. So we are Vanessa and Xander Marin. We are married and we've been together since 2007. And our mission is to equip you with the tools that you need to create an extraordinary, extraordinary relationship. Inside of the bedroom and out. So I am a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex and relationship therapy. I've spent the last 15 years working with thousands of people and have served as a featured expert for magazines and websites like the New York Times, oh, the Oprah Magazine, Real simple, and many more.

And I'm her husband. I used to work a pretty normal job in the corporate world, but I started seeing how much of an impact Vanessa was making with her work and I decided to join her so we could reach even more people. Plus, being married to a sex therapist, I've picked up some pretty good insight myself into what does and doesn't make relationships work. Also, I love sharing real stories from our own life that can help you guys.

So in this video, we're going to talk about something that we've never talked about publicly before, the fact that we don't want kids. We'll be revealing our personal journey towards coming to this really important decision. We're going to get into all of the reasons why we don't want kids, as well as all of the beautiful things that we know we'll be missing out on. So this has not been a decision that we've taken lightly. There has been a lot of thought that has gone into this. Now I just want to take a moment to acknowledge that this feels really, really vulnerable for us to talk about. We know that most people do have children and that there can be a lot of stigma against couples who decide not to. There are definitely a lot of judgments that get made about those who don't, that they're self centered, selfish, immature. And honestly, as we've been planning this video, we've wondered what kinds of judgments you might make about us, our marriage and our lives. And we also want to be super clear right from the beginning. We are not trying to tell you that you shouldn't have kids or that deciding to not have kids is better than deciding to have them. We do not pretend to know what is right for anyone other than ourselves. And even then, there's no way for us to really know if this is the right decision for us.

But we wanted to talk about this issue because, like Vanessa just said, there's so much stigma against couples who decide not to have kids. We want to be able to show that there actually are couples out there who are thoughtful, mature, in love who still decide not to have kids. We want to take that taboo away from this topic and make it clear that having kids is a choice that every couple gets to make for themselves. It's not an obligation. If you want to have kids, that's awesome. If you don't want to have kids, that's also awesome. We firmly believe that every couple gets to decide what feels right for them in all facets of the relationship. We all have these ideas of what we should do, what we're supposed to do, but we want to help all couples feel empowered to talk about whether or not to have children and then make a decision that feels right for them. So while we always love and appreciate your feedback, thank you. Please just keep in mind that this is a super vulnerable part of our lives that we decided to share with you today.

All right, so how did we realize that we didn't want kids? So my entire life, I've always thought that I wanted to have kids. I have two siblings. I love them so much. I love being one of three. And I always imagined myself having kids of my own. So when we started dating, we talked about having kids all the time. We wanted to make sure that we were on the same page about that, especially before making a long term commitment to each other. So we both agreed that we wanted kids, and we felt like it was important to both of us, and we.

Included that in their wedding vows.

I believe we did. Yeah, we absolutely did. So, yeah, when we got married, we were actually kind of on the younger side. We met each other pretty young. I don't think either one of us was expecting to meet our life partner at the age that we did. So we sort of went into this with this assumption that we were going to wait a while before having kids. We just weren't in a rush. And for me, personally, I figured that when the time felt right, my maternal instinct would kick in, that biological clock would start ticking, and I would just know kind of intuitively when it was the right time.

Because that's what most people tell you, right?

Yeah, absolutely. And with me, you know, I've always loved kids, but I've never really loved babies. So there was always this little tiny doubt in the back of my head, kind of wondering, am I ever gonna want a baby? I always thought I would want kids. Cause I love. There was just something about babies in particular. But I remember talking about this with my girlfriends, and they assured me that when the time was right, I would start longingly looking at pictures of babies or just noticing them more and more when I was out and about. And I remember they would keep saying, you know, babies are just going to become irresistible to you, and that's when you're going to know. So I waited to have that feeling. I waited to get that sense that I was ready and I was excited to have a baby. And I waited and I waited. And I'm still waiting. I'm still waiting to feel that desire to have a child. But I'm not actually feeling the desire to have a child.

And miraculously enough, I was on the same page. Honestly, at that time in my life where Vanessa was talking about finding babies irresistible, I was actually living that experience. I was at work on a team with mostly women who. A number of them had kids. And I saw that in action. I saw them seeing a new baby. You know, someone bringing their baby in and being like, oh, my God, I want to touch the baby.

It smells so good.

And I just was like, I don't. I don't understand that. I don't. It's. I'm not feeling that. So that was just kind of one way that I really could start to see that. Wow. Like, nothing is changing for me. And I want to acknowledge we would have been in a really tough spot if we weren't on the same page about this and we hadn't started talking about it. But fortunately we are. And fortunately, we have been in communication about this for a long time.

Yeah. We were trying to remember if we had a memory of the first time that we started talking about, hey, maybe we don't want to do this, but actually, there's nothing that really comes to mind.

I think it just slow evolution. Just like, okay, well, not yet. Not yet. Maybe. Maybe not ever. That's an option.

But I'm glad one of us got the courage to bring it up and that we could start talking about it, because I could really imagine feeling like, oh, God, we've agreed to this already. It's really important to both of us, you know, ending up putting pressure on ourselves. I'm glad we didn't go down that path.

Good reason to always keep talking and checking in.

Talking. Yes.

Now, there's still time for us to change our minds, obviously, but it's just looking less and less likely that it's actually going to happen for us. We're definitely not completely closing the door, but we're both feeling pretty certain that we're just not going to have kids. We thought really long and hard about all the reasons why it feels like a good idea for us not to have kids, as well as the things we'd be missing out on if we didn't. So let's start with why we don't want kids.

Yeah, we just want to walk you through our personal thought process. And again, this is not to say that these are the reasons why you should or should not have kids. These are just our personal reasons. So first and foremost, kind of like what I mentioned a few minutes ago, we just don't feel the desire to have them. And we both really firmly believe that every child deserves to be actively wanted. So we don't think it's right for us to have a kid because we're worried that we'll regret it later if we don't, or because we think it'll make our relationship stronger or because we want someone to take care of us when we get old. We would want our kid to know that they were deeply, actively, and passionately wanted, and we're just not there right now.

Yeah, that one feels really important to both of us. So the second reason is because our lives feel full and satisfying exactly as they are right now. While having a kid would definitely bring even more love into our lives, right now, we're perfectly content with our family of two. Well, it's actually four, if you could count the fur children.

Now, the third reason is that we enjoy having so much space in our lives for our relationship and for each other. We both really cherish all the quality time that we get to spend together. We've been together for almost 13 years, just a couple of months. We're married, we work together. We've been quarantining together since March, and we're still not really sick of each other.

We're crazy.

But we know that we would get significantly less quality time if we had children, and that just doesn't sound good to us right now.

Yeah.

Now, the fourth reason is that we don't want all of the fighting that having children can create. Kids are one of the top three reasons couples fight. I've personally worked with so many couples whose relationships are really pushed to the brink because of fights about their children. And we've also been really lucky to have a number of friends who have been super, super honest with us and shared the challenges that their relationships have gone because kids and parenting can drive such a wedge in between partners. So we're not choosing not to have kids just to avoid fighting, because we're actually pretty good at resolving conflict in our relationship. But it's a nice perk to know that the fights that we do have won't be about kids.

Okay. So the fifth reason is that we feel concerned about the environmental impact of having children. The world is definitely not hurting for population. I remember my mom actually expressed a similar sentiment to me when she told me about why she initially thought she might not want kids when she was younger. And that was maybe 20 years ago that we talked about that. And back then, to me, the environmental impacts felt pretty far off still. So I just kind of assumed, yeah, I might think the same thing, but it's still pretty far off. But there are so many issues with climate change and global warming that we're already witnessing with our own eyes. So we're not even sure what kind of a world we'd be bringing our child into.

And similarly, everything going on right now with COVID is kind of reason number six why we don't want to have kids. We definitely don't want to have a baby while we're still battling this pandemic. And as of today, it's really anybody's guess as to when it's going to end. Now, interestingly enough, we have noticed that no one has asked us about when we're having kids since the pandemic started.

Or why we aren't having kids.

Yeah. So it kind of got us thinking. Maybe now is the perfect time to talk about it.

Yeah, you all are going to be a lot more receptive to hearing our reasons. Seventh is the financial aspect of having kids. Having a dual income and a no kid household affords us a lot of luxuries that you wouldn't be able to enjoy with kids. Now, we're not super materialistic people, but we do love travel, and that's an area where we spend a lot of our disposable income. Travel is just one example of many of something that would get way harder, way more expensive with kids.

Yeah. Now, the eighth reason is not quite as important, but since we focus on sex and relationship therapy, we don't want to leave it out. And that is sex. We really enjoy our sex life and we don't really want kids interrupting that.

Yeah, the dogs try. Just not hard enough.

Yeah. I mean, I've definitely again, worked with so many couples who said that their sex lives really, really suffered when they had kids. A lot of couples who just Completely stopped having sex altogether. So, you know, kind of protecting our sex life. Again, it's not the specific reason why we wouldn't have kids, but I think it is a nice benefit of not having them.

Yeah. Now, all that being said, this is definitely not a decision that we've taken lightly. We know that deciding not to have kids, it's a huge sacrifice. And we've really thought through the specifics of what we'd be missing out on, so we're going to list those out. First up, we know that children would bring more love into our lives. It's really touching to hear parents talk about how they never realized they could love someone as much as they love their child. Or how they had a second child and realize their heart just kept expanding more and more. We know we'll be missing out on a really beautiful and unique kind of love.

Yeah, it's definitely a huge, huge sacrifice. And there's also the experience of creating a new little human. Like, it's such a miracle.

I like how you called it a little human and not a baby. It did.

A little tiny human. You know, kind of selfishly, I would love to see what our mix of genes would end up creating. Like, would our child have Xander's hazel eyes that always seem to change color? They're so beautiful. Would they be tall like him or a little shorty like me?

Third, we'll miss being able to see each other play the role of mom and dad. We know we'd be able to look at each other in totally new ways and marvel at what great parents each other is. It would definitely deepen our love and admiration and respect for each other, I think.

Yeah, definitely. Completely change our relationship and the way that we see each other.

Yeah.

Now, fourth, this is something that maybe might sound a little bit silly, but I personally, I get sad thinking about not being able to tell our parents that they're going to be grandparents. So between the two of us, we have four amazing parents who would make really incredible grandparents. And sometimes I think about what it would be like to break the happy news to them, all the different ways that we could do it. I know that my dad would definitely cry like a little baby, and I would love to see that the experience of telling them that we're pregnant, that we're going to have a baby, would be so beautiful. And then seeing them as grandparents would be so touching. So it's a really, really tough thing to miss out on.

Fortunately, we are both oldest children, so hopefully they will be getting that from one of the Other siblings. Fifth, there's also becoming grandparents ourselves. That's another role that we would never be able to experience.

And six, Kind of along similar lines. Like, we do worry about getting older and being lonely. It would just be the two of us for the rest of our lives and there wouldn't be anyone to take care of us when we're older.

Seventh is that we just be able to avoid all those questions or judgments about our decision. We would have made the normal decision that everyone else would have. And so no one would ever think that we're immature or selfish or anything like that. And finally, this is really closely related. But there's just that feeling of fitting in, doing what you're supposed to do, having kids. At the same time, our friends are having kids. Not feeling left behind or odd man out.

So those are the major pros and cons of kids that have influenced our decision. So there are definitely a lot of factors to weigh. But the thing that we keep coming back to over and over again, it's really this, like, if we were to have a child, we would want to be able to look our child in the eyes and say, mommy and daddy wanted you so, so badly. And the reality is that we're just not there right now and we don't know if we ever will be. So that's why we're choosing not to have children.

So if you're someone out there who has decided not to have kids or you're wrestling with the decision not to have kids, just know you are not alone and also know that you get to make whatever decision feels right to you.

Yeah. I think I in particular want to talk to those people who haven't decided whether or not they want to, because I just want to make it clear that this is an option. It's a choice that we get to make because I think it's just so easy to feel like it's not an option. Like you're just supposed to do it.

Yeah. And it's also, it's not just like a yes or a no. There is a not decided option in the middle too. So if you do have kids, thank you for being awesome parents and raising the future. Thank you for letting us share this part of our lives with you.

All right. I think that's probably enough vulnerability for one day. What do you think?

Yeah, I think so. We really hope you like this video. So please give it a, like, give it a comment down below with some love and support and make sure you subscribe to our YouTube channel and we'll keep sending you more free resources.

And we also have a little gift for you. If you want to be able to open up vulnerable conversations with your partner, perhaps about your future with or without children, you're definitely going to want to check out my free guide, the simple daily check in every couple needs to be doing. It's a great way just to open up those conversations and get started. So click the link in the description box below to download. Thanks for watching and see you next time. Bye. Carolina. Come on and raise up. All right, Serious one no one.