How often is Vanessa Marin in the mood when her husband initiates?

Name: What if you're not in the mood when they initiate?
Uploaded: 2024-10-04T10:15:01+00:00
Duration: 1 min 9 s
Channel: Vanessa Marin
Description: Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, explains that it’s common not to be sexually 'in the mood' at the exact moment a partner initiates. She reports being in…

Vanessa MarinSex Therapist

What if you're not in the mood when they initiate?

4 Oct 2024 · 1 min

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1:09

Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, explains that it’s common not to be sexually 'in the mood' at the exact moment a partner initiates. She reports being in the mood for her husband’s initiations only about 20–25% of the time and identifies a widespread initiation myth: people feel they must be immediately turned on when their partner initiates, which leads to shame or feeling put on the spot. Marin advises lowering expectations by reframing initiation as a desire for closeness and asking whether one is open to see if connection or arousal can follow, rather than demanding instantaneous desire.

Questions this video answers

About 20–25% of the time.

Chapters

I'm a sex therapist and want to know how often I'm in the mood when my husband initiates sex. Probably 20 to 25% of the time. Now, if that number sounds surprising to you, it's probably because you're falling for a classic initiation myth. Most of us think that we are supposed to be turned on in the exact moment that our partner initiates. And that can lead to this feeling of being put on the spot, feeling embarrassed or ashamed that you're not turned on when they initiate. But here's the thing. You and your partner are two totally different people, and it would just be too much of a coincidence for you both to be wildly turned on and ready to go in the exact same moment every single time. Reality is that the majority of the time your partner initiates, you are going to be in a very different sort of place. So instead of asking yourself in that moment, oh, my God, am I turned on right now? Tell yourself, my partner wants to connect with me. They want to be close to me right now. Am I open to seek seeing if I can get turned on? Am I open to seeing if I can connect with them that way? You just lower the bar, you bring expectations back to normal, and you might find that you are so much more open to connection.