YouTube video (Vanessa & Xander Marin) explaining arousal non-concordance: why mental arousal and physical responses (especially vulvar lubrication) can be mismatched. Presents research cited in the video (women ≈10% brain–body overlap; men ≈50% overlap), normalizes lack of wetness, and recommends using lubricant as a practical solution and destigmatizing approach.
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You can't start a video like that. If you're watching this video, it's probably because you're struggling to understand why your body just is not working the way that you want it to. So why isn't your vulva getting wet when you're feeling turned on or being intimate with your partner? Now, we're curious to know how many people this is happening for. So let us know down in the comments if this has ever happened for you.
If you.
Have you ever been aroused or like been intimate with your partner but you just really struggled to get wet? So let us know in the comments down below. Most important thing that we want you to know though, is that this is totally normal. So in this video we are going to explain exactly why that is and what you can do.
But if you're brand new to the channel, we first just want to say, hi, we're Vanessa and Xander Marin. Vanessa here is a sex therapist. I'm just a regular dude. We've been together for 14 years. And if you're. They pop up these cute little faces. Maybe you can't see them, maybe you can't. Our pugs, Maggie and Winston.
And our account is all about giving you the tools, tips and techniques that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship inside of the bedroom and out. So if that's something that you're interested in, then go ahead and hit that subscribe button so you can be notified whenever we post a new video. All right, so to explain why this happens, we need to talk about a little term called arousal non concordance.
It's a mouthful.
It is a mouthful. Basically what that phrase means is that our brain and our body are not always on the same page. And this happens inside of the bedroom and outside of the bedroom. I'm sure you've had plenty of experiences in your day to day life where you wanted your body to do something or respond in some certain sort of way that it just was not happening. Right? But when we talk about sex in particular for vulva owners, the most common thing that happens is that you are feeling turned on, you're being intimate, but your vulva is just not getting wet. The opposite can happen as well. It's less common, but it definitely does happen for some people where you feel really wet, but you're not at all mentally interested in sex. So it's this difference between how your brain is responding to sex and how your body is responding to sex that your brain's saying, I want this or I don't want this. And your body seems to be saying the complete opposite.
And this happens for penises too. This is not just a vulva thing. So if you are a penis owner listening to this, or you have sex with a penis owner and you want to explain, explain this to them, you can put it in their terms as well. Like when you have a penis, sometimes happens that you get a raging boner for no real reason, you are not turned on at all. Maybe it even happens in a really inappropriate seeming moment. And on the flip side, you can also be really turned on, really want to have an erection, but you're struggling to get an erection. Or perhaps you lose your erection partway through the middle of something that is really hot inside.
Yeah, it's really interesting because we talk about that all the time, like the narb, no apparent reason boners. And like we talk about men who are having a difficult time getting hard. But we rarely talk about it with vulva owners or with women. So I think that leaves a lot of us feeling super confused about why is this happening or not happening. So there's been some really fascinating research that has been done on non concordance. And so researchers took a look at how much of an overlap is there between what the brain is saying it wants and what the body is saying it wants. And. But Maggie is saying she wants down here, apparently. So with women, research found that there was really only about a 10% overlap. So only 10% of the time were the brain and the body like on the same page.
Men, on the other hand, were at more like a 50% overlap.
Now a lot of vulva owners feel really self conscious about this. We really put a lot of pressure on ourselves and judgment about our level of wetness. But it's really important for you to understand that your level of wetness does not say anything about how turned on you are. So if you're feeling turned on in your brain, but your body is not responding, that does not mean that you're fooling yourself and you're secretly not actually turned on. Like, we wanna go with what our brains are thinking and wanting rather than how our body is responding in that particular moment. So please do not judge yourself for not being wet enough thinking that you're secretly not turned on. And make sure your partner understands this information too, so that they don't judge you or get confused in the moment about like what's going on. Do you not actually want to do this? Right? So the bottom line that we really want to help you understand in this video is like our bodies simply do not always do what we want them to do. But that doesn't mean that you're not turned on, you're not into it, you're not attracted to your partner. I think especially if we talk to women, we women already judge our bod bodies for so many different reasons in so many different ways. So let's not also judge ourselves about the level of wetness that we happen to have in a given moment.
All right, so what do you do if you are not feeling wet enough? All right, there's a very simple solution to this. Use lube. There is nothing wrong with using lube. I think Vanessa kind of alluded to that. Shame or judgment, but. And a lot of us put that on lube, too. We go, oh, I don't want to have to need to use lube. Like, what does it say about me me if I need to use lube? Like, it's a lesser than, like, oh, I would rather just be wet the natural way. But we really recommend using lube to everyone. Like, it is a great substance. There are a lot of different varieties of it. You can find the one that works best for you. It can come really, really close to mimicking the thing that your body produces. And maybe it can even feel better for a lot of people.
Absolutely. I mean, it's just a fun thing to play with. It's not like something that you only have to use if something's wrong with your body. That's why we recommend it to everyone.
Definitely. So we're gonna link to our absolute favorite lube down in the resources section below.
All right, well, that wraps up our video about why am I not getting wet? I hope this video has just helped normalize this for you and help you realize there is absolutely nothing wrong with your body.
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