Why Is My Sex Drive So Low? Asexuality vs Low Libido

Does your sex drive feel really low, maybe even non existent? If so, you might be asking yourself a question that a lot of people in this situation wind up asking themselves. Do I have a low sex drive or am I actually asexual? So we get this question a lot and we think that people confuse these two things. Asexual and low sex drive are two completely different things. So today we wanted to make a video to clear up the confusion and shed some light on the difference between these two dynamics, asexuality and low sex drive.

But first, if you're brand new, we want to say, hi, I am Zander. This is Vanessa Marin. Vanessa's a sex therapist and we've been together for 13 years.

And our account is all about giving you the tools, tips and techniques that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship inside of the bedroom and out. So if you are already interested in that, just hit that subscribe button. All right, so before we get into the difference between asexuality and low libido, we first want to know if you've ever been confused about this. So drop us a note in the comments, let us know, have you ever been confused about these two different things?

Alright, so we're going to start out with a real world story from someone who follows us on Instagram. And this is really a perfect example of how easy it is for these dynamics to get confused around asexuality and having a low libido. So. So her story is, I always said I was asexual. I could care less if I had sex or not. That was up until about a year ago. But really the last seven or eight months or so that I followed y', all, y' all have seriously changed our relationship. We've been together since we were teens, but now in our late 30s, and it's by far the best it's ever been. I didn't want sex because I wasn't enjoying it. Duh. It makes sense why I wouldn't crave something that wasn't making me happy or feel great. Why that thought never crossed my mind in the last 20 plus years, who knows? But thank y', all, truly.

Alright, so let's talk a little bit more about asexuality. So asexuality essentially refers to people who don't feel any sort of sexual attraction, aren't interested in sex. But there is a lot of misinformation and confusion about asexuality. And people who identify as asexual can describe asexuality in different sorts of ways. So first up, asexuality is not celibacy. So celibacy is a behavior, it's a conscious decision not to have sex, whereas asexuality is a sexual orientation, it's an identity. So asexual people are frequently stereotyped as being, like, cold, very unfeeling, but they are just as capable of having loving, intimate relationships as anyone else. So being uninterested in sex doesn't mean that you are distant or emotionally unavailable. These stereotypes are just plain wrong. Asexuality is also often thought to be caused by trauma. That's definitely not the case. It's also not a medical problem. And also, asexual people can and do still have sex. So even if they might not feel the desire for it, they sometimes do make the conscious decision to have sex anyways.

Yeah. So asexuality, it is not simple to define. It's not like you always want this or you never want that. The reality is it's a spectrum or a wide umbrella that encompasses a many types of people. So here are some examples of kind of the range of asexuality, the things that you might like or might not like. So some people have a sex drive, they masturbate, and they can feel romantic towards the partner. Some people have romantic relationships that just don't involve any sex. Some people have no desire to have sex at any point in their lives. So you can see here, this is a pretty wide range of things that can change over time. And people, you know, two people who are asexual may have different experiences when it comes to sex and romance and relationships.

Yeah, I mean, I think if we think about it this way, like, if we think about people that define themselves as straight, we don't expect all straight people to perform, you know, sexually or have the same kind of sexuality as all of them. It's the same thing. For asexuality, not every asexual person is exactly the same. But the bottom line is asexuality, it's perfectly normal, it's healthy. Many more people are asexual than you realize. There's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing bad about this. Okay, so that is what asexuality is. Obviously just kind of a brief descriptor. We could get into a lot more detail, but we want to contrast that with a low sex drive or low libido.

All right, so low libido can happen for a number of different reasons. And really it's more of a situational thing. It's not an identity thing. So the level of your libido can really change over time due to a variety of factors. It's not something that you are born into. So this term low libido can be really challenging because literally, it is a comparison. Like, low is in the word. Like, lower than what? Like, there's no real benchmark for what a normal libido is or a normal amount or frequency or length of time to have sex. So it's really hard when it's like, okay, well, lower. I'm lower than my friend over here. I'm lower than my partner. I'm lower than I used to be. But what does that really mean? Also, low sex drive is usually just your body's reaction to a specific situation. So, for example, if you start taking a new medication, that could impact your libido. So your libido might become lower than it was before you took the medication. It can be in response to your mental health. Maybe you are having a mental health crisis and your libido is temporarily lower. It can also be in relation to relationship challenges. If you're in a tough time in your relationship, it's pretty normal that your libido would also be lower. The same thing with stress. And we don't really give stress as much credit as it deserves and how it impacts so many things, including our sex drives. But very often when you have high levels of stress, whether it's work, personal, family, that is going to have a huge impact on your sex drive.

And another really important dynamic, which was evident in that story that Xander shared a minute ago, is that if your sex life is boring, predictable, stale, painful, you know, whatever it is, your sex drive is naturally going to decrease. You're probably not going to feel a strong desire to have an experience that's not an enjoyable one. We often like to talk about the desire, enjoyment, connection. If you're not enjoying it, why would you desire it? Right? So low sex drive, it's often a temporary thing, and it really is an invitation to take a look at what else is going on in your life. Because our sex drives are really sensitive. They respond to social. So many different factors. And so it really is this call to, like, look at, okay, my sex drive has changed from what it used to be, what might be going on in my life. And again, to contrast that with asexuality. Asexuality is really an identity. It's not a temporary thing. You don't, like, grow out of it. And asexuality is not necessarily that same sort of invitation to look at these other dynamics that are going on in your life. It's just who you are. So if you are listening to this video, watching this video and thinking like, okay, yeah, I think maybe I've been putting this asexuality term on myself, but actually, I think I'm really struggling more with low libido. Then we have a great course for you. It's called Rediscovering Desire. We really walk you through step by step techniques that you can start using tonight to experience more desire for sex. So we will put a link to that in the description box below.

And on the flip side, if you have been feeling like you've had a really low sex drive for your whole life and been feeling like something is wrong with you or feeling really judgmental towards yourself, you, perhaps this is an invitation to consider asexuality. And perhaps this might be something that you could look into a little more and see if this is your identity. And maybe that would take some pressure and judgment off of yourself. All right, so that wraps up our video on asexuality and low libido. If you liked it, please give the video a like, hit that red button and subscribe to our YouTube channel. And you can also click the notification icon so you get notified as soon as we post new videos.

And if you want to check out that course, Rediscovering Desire, again, we'll put the link to it in the description box below. Thanks so much for watching.

See you next time.