Why Is My Sex Drive So Low? 5 Surprising Reasons You Have Low Libido

Do you lie awake at night wondering what the heck happened to your sex drive? Do you miss feeling connected to that part of yourself? That part that feels alive, vibrant, confident, and sexy? If so, you are not alone. Almost everyone will experience low sex drive at some point in their lives. But when your sex drive seems to have disappeared, it's really easy to feel like there is nothing that you can do to get it back. But don't worry. You are not doomed to a lifetime of low desire and lackluster sex. You can take active, concrete steps to increase your libido, reconnect with yourself and your partner, and create a sex life that is actually worthy of your desire. The first step is to identify why your sex drive is low in the first place, which is exactly what this video is all about.

So, hey, we're Xander and Vanessa Marin. We're married and we've been together since 2007. Our goal is to equip you with the tools that you need to create an extraordinary relationship inside the bedroom and out.

Sounds good. In this video, you're going to learn five surprising causes of low libido, as well as specific ideas for how to boost and improve these areas of your life. After watching this video, you will be well on your way to dramatically increasing your libido.

Okay, so let's talk about low libido. You've probably heard about the usual suspects that can cause it, like medications, stress, depression, lack of sleep, all that stuff. But the reality is, those aren't the only things that could be dragging your libido down. So let's get into the five surprising reasons that you could be experiencing low sex drive. Libido killer. Number one, your bedroom.

So if you're like most people, you probably have sex most often in your bedroom, right? But what I want you to do after you watch this video is to go into your bedroom and take a look around and ask yourself, is this a place that someone would want to have sex in? Does this inspire relaxation, connection, and passion? Or is your bedroom messy, cluttered, and full of distractions? Making your bedroom a space that you actually want to have sex in is a crucial but often overlooked piece of the sex drive puzzle. If you have negative associations with your bedroom, of course it's going to impact your libido. But the good news is that there are plenty of things that you can do to make your bedroom feel more sexy. So, of course you want to keep it clean and tidy. But you can also take a look around and see if there are any special little touches that you can add. So maybe you can put up little string lights or some other nice lighting. Maybe you can finally get around to painting your room this color that you've always wanted it to be. Maybe it's rearranging the furniture, buying new linens or pillows, getting a nice, soft, luxurious blanket. Now, one particular recommendation that we have is to take the TV out of the bedroom. Now, we know this might sound a little controversial, but studies have shown that couples who do not have a TV in the bedroom have twice as much sex as couples who do have a TV in the bedroom.

Wow.

Twice.

Crazy. So this used to be us. We had a TV in our bedroom. Basically, from the time we started dating and living together, we would spend weekends in bed watching tv. We'd watch TV before bed every night. Every night, yeah. And so one summer, we spent a month in Berlin in Germany, and we rented an apartment. And this apartment did not have a TV in the bedroom. In fact, it had no TV at all. And the bedroom had one interesting feature that we initially thought was really cheesy, and that was a red light. And we were like, oh, man, this red light, it just like everyone else in the apartment building is going to know that we're having sex if it's on, blah, blah, blah. But one night we turned it on. We were like, damn, this is kind of sexy.

It really was.

And yeah, at the end of that month, we realized we were having way more sex with this kind of like sexy lighting, sexy mood, and no tv. So we came home, got rid of that tv, put in some colored lighting.

And you brought those red lights back.

Yeah. Ever since then, yeah, we've been having a lot more sex in our bedroom. And our bedroom just feels like a fun, sexy place.

Yeah. It's such a simple change to make, but it can have a really, really big impact.

Oh, yeah. Okay, Vito killer number two, your phone. How many times have you tried to connect with your partner and you see them engrossed in their phone, like Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook, all the things. Yeah. And then how many times did they accuse you of doing the exact same thing? So the reality is you and your partner, you're missing out on countless opportunities to be connecting with each other due to your phones. And then each time you see the other one, like, engrossed in their phone, you're building resentment and you're feeling less important to them. And not to mention, the more time that you spend on social media, the more time you're just barraged with these images of perfect looking people living perfect Looking lives with perfect bodies and perfect everything. Perfect everything. So just try to make an agreement. Put down your phone when you're together. Limit your screen time. Prioritize your in person connection.

Now I'll be totally real. This is something that we struggle with all the time too. It's easy to say be more mindful about your phones, but it's just so easy for it to creep up on you in the moment. It's so easy to forget that you're doing it. You're getting lost in your phone. It's instinctual, it really is. But it's really hard to miss when your partner's doing it to you. So it's kind of a bad combination there. And this really affects us in the bedroom too. So if I'm feeling interested in sex one night, but I walk into the room and Xander's already on his phone, I just get give up pretty quickly. So what we try to do is have these active, ongoing conversations about our phone usage instead of letting the resentment build up, which is what we used to do. And then we get into these really big fights about it. And on a practical kind of day to day level, one thing that really helps us is that if we want to get each other's attention, like if I want Xander's attention and I see that he's on his phone, I just ask him for his attention and I wait to talk until he responds. So that way I don't just talk at him while he's already on his phone and then get frustrated when he doesn't immediately start paying attention to me.

Yeah, because how many times does that happen to you?

All the time. All right, that takes us to libido killer number three, your timing. So if you're in a long term relationship, you probably leave sex until the very end of the night. Right. When you are both crawling into bed. Right. Most of us seem to have this association with end of the night getting into bed that's supposed to be sexy time.

That's how they do it in the movies, Right?

But the reality is that this is the absolute worst time to try to have sex because you're already exhausted and you're thinking that, you know, whatever time you spend having sex, that's just cutting into the precious few hours that you have left for sleep. There's just way too much stacked up against your sex drive in that moment. It's really not likely that you're going to end up having sex when you're thinking about cutting into your sleeping time. So it's really Important to make the space for sex when you actually are going to have the energy to have it.

Yeah, we used to never talk about this. We just naturally left it till the last minute, which is, like Vanessa said, right before bed. And then, you know, if one person is too tired or both of us are too tired, someone has to get up early to be into the office for a meeting. Like, it's just not going to happen. So one day we heard a suggestion on a relationship podcast that we listened to that made us kind of think twice about everything. And it was actually about going out on dates. And it was. The advice was, have sex before you go out on your fancy date. Because the conventional wisdom is you go out for a fancy dinner, you eat a lot of food, you drink a lot of wine, you come home and you're just, like, horny and ready to go. But the reality is you're kind of tired and drunk and bloated.

Your stomach hurts, and, yeah, like, you.

Just want to go to bed. Right. So the advice is have sex first. And we started doing that and we realized, like, oh, my God, we're. Now we, like, we have sex, we go out on our date, we're both really happy, we're in love with each other, we have a great time, and we come home and we can just pass out. And it's great.

It's so much better. And it makes the date feel more fun, too.

Yeah. And so then we started doing that, and we were like, okay, this is great. You're like, well, we could probably apply this to just sex in general. Like, don't leave it till the last moment. Let's communicate about it, and let's try to do it before all the responsibilities we have in the evening, like, before we need to cook dinner, before we watch tv, before we take the dogs outside, all that kind of stuff. And so we started doing that, and, yeah, it's been great. We have way more sex. And then all the stuff that we do afterward, we just are way more connected and happier. All right, so let's get into libido killer number four, perfectionism. So if you're a guy, you probably think that great sex requires that you just have a perfect erection all the time. You're not supposed to orgasm too soon, and you're not supposed to take too long.

And if you're a woman, you probably think that great sex requires you to have this perfectly time, effortless orgasm.

Yeah. Both of you are supposed to please each other perfectly with definitely no effort, definitely no communication. Your bodies are both Supposed to look great. Like, regardless of what position you're in, you're never supposed to make any strange noises or faces. And like every new thing that you try, like, nothing is ever going to go wrong.

It's just all supposed to be perfect.

Yeah. So this kind of sexual perfectionism, as you might imagine, creates kind of an intense performance anxiety, and it can manifest itself in either or both partners. And think about it, if you're having a lot of anxiety about sex, like, is sex going to seem very appealing to you? Probably not. Like, nobody wants to risk humiliation of, like an imperfect performance. So you probably are thinking, like, let's maybe let's not have sex.

Yeah. Even if you're not actively thinking that, if you have all this pressure and expectation, it's very easy for that to start chipping away at your sexual desire. So our advice here is that you've got to let go of perfectionism. There really is no such thing as perfect sex, despite what you've been led to believe by TV and the movies. So you really have to allow yourselves to be silly in the bedroom. That was when our sex life took such a big turn, was when we realized we could let go of feeling like we had to be perfect and play these really sexy roles and just be ourselves in the bedroom. We're pretty silly, goofy people. We like bringing that aspect of our personality into the bedroom. Bedroom too. We just like being able to be ourselves in the bedroom, not feel like we're having to play these roles. So when you feel like you can laugh with each other, be playful, be kind of silly or, you know, ridiculous, not get so self conscious and worried about, you know, playing this perfect role, it really makes the anxiety start to melt away. And the more relaxed you feel around sex, the less anxiety you feel, the more you're going to crave it.

Oh, yeah.

So that brings us to libido killer number five, bad sex. So here's the irony. You've probably been so hyper focused on judging yourself for having a low libido that you don't realize that the sex that you do have doesn't actually wind up being all that pleasurable. But here's the thing. If you're having unpleasurable sex, it doesn't make any sense for your body to crave it. So if you want to have a higher libido, you have to work on having the kind of sex that is actually worth craving.

Definitely. So that wraps up our five surprising reasons that you might be experiencing a low libido. So did you like this video. Give it a like. Or better yet, let us know which of these libido killers surprised you the most. Or where do you think things are going wrong for you? If you like this video, subscribe to our channel and you'll be getting more free resources every week.

And we also have a gift for you. So there are actually four other surprising reasons why your sex drive might be low. So click the link in the description box to download our free guide, Secret Libido 9 Surprising Reasons why your sex drive has vanished.

See you next time.

Bye.