Vanessa and Xander Marin explain why partners often want sex for opposite reasons: 86% of women need emotional connection first, while 77% of men need sex to feel connected. They're running a Valentine's event called Intimate or Nasty to help couples work through this mismatch.
Questions this video answers
86% (per the hosts' Instagram poll).
77% (per the hosts' Instagram poll).
February 1 through February 14.
Chapters
We need to start a video. One of the biggest complaints that we hear about from couples is mismatched sex drive.
Yep.
It feels like there's always one partner who's wanting to have sex, one partner who's never wanting to have sex. And it can feel like this really big frustration in a relationship. And in a lot of male, female relationships, it is often, but not always, it's often the male partner who reaches out to us and says, often, I just don't understand. Why doesn't she want to have sex with me? Now, it's easy to think of this as a mismatched sex drive's problem. It's kind of how I started off this video. Right. But we've actually discovered that there is something different at play. So let us introduce you to what we like to call the sex connection conundrum. But before we get into it, we want to know, do you wish that you and your partner could be more on the same page when it comes to sex? If so, let us know in the comments below.
All right. But if you're brand new here, we first want to say, hi. We are Vanessa and Xander Marin. Vanessa here is a sex therapist. I'm a regular guy. We've been together for 15 years.
And our account is all about giving you the tools, tips, and techniques that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship. Inside the bedroom and out. So if that is something you're interested in, then just go ahead and hit that subscribe button.
All right, so let's get into it. I'm going to overgeneralize the for one second. There are two types of people in the world and only two types of people. No, I'm just kidding. There are lots of types of people, but in general, two types of people. People who need to feel emotionally connected in order to have sex or in order to want to have sex. And then there are people that need to have sex in order to feel connected.
And as you can imagine, in most relationships, there is one partner who is of each type. And it can feel like this thing that we want is the exact opposite or the reverse of what our partner wants. This leaves a lot of couples feeling impossibly stuck. So if you've ever had this kind of conversation in your relationship, this is exactly what's going on. Like, one partner says, well, I don't want to have sex with you when you're feeling so disconnected. The other partner says, but the way that I feel connected to you is by us having sex. Right. It just feels like you go in this circle with each other and nobody can ever resolve anything. So this dynamic is a really important dynamic, the sex connection conundrum, to understand about ourselves, our partners and our relationships. So emotional intimacy and physical intimacy, they're like two twin flames. One cannot survive without the other in a long term relationship.
Now we went over to Instagram to get you some statistics and we polled our audience. 86% of women said that they wanted emotional connection before physical connection. Now on the flip side, 77% of men said that they wanted physical connection before emotional connection. That's the majority, the vast majority of women wanting emotional before physical. And definitely the majority, still a strong majority of men wanting physical before emotional. So to the guys out there, this is, this dynamic is probably one of the main reasons why she may not be wanting to have sex with you because she's wanting to feel that emotional connection first. And you are more likely to be wanting to have that physical connection because you know that's going to help you feel, feel that emotional connection.
So if you are wanting to find a way to resolve this conundrum in your relationship, we have something for you. It is called Intimate or Nasty. It's our Valentine's Day event. It's open from February 1st until the 14th. And this is the only time during the year where we are going to be offering our two best selling sex and connection challenges at the exact same time. So this is a really great option for couples because so often when you're stuck in that sex connection conundrum and it feels like you're fighting over who gets to go first, who gets to have their thing, and of course you both want to go first. So neither of one of you wants to lose, right? But if you sign up for the sex and connection challenges at the same time, it's this way for both of you to get something, get part of that intimacy that you're craving. It can make it feel like it's not about one partner winning and one partner losing. You're both winning, you're both committing to working on that connection between the two of you. And ultimately, like both of us are wanting both types of that intimacy too. So it's just a great way to work towards creating that connection that you are both wanting. All right, so that wraps up our little video on the sex connection conundrum. We hope that you join us in Intimate or Nasty. We'll put the link to check it out in the description box below. But even if it doesn't feel like the right fit for you right now, we just hope that understanding that this is such a common dynamic that comes up is something that can be beneficial in your relationship.
And if you liked the video, please give it a like. You can also hit the red button to subscribe. Subscribe to our YouTube channel. And while you're at it, hit the notification icon so you know as soon as we post more videos.
