Dance Mum Mode: How Parenting Changed Us as Studio Owners

Hello, friends. I'm Amanda Barr.

And I'm Rebecca Lou Brennan. And welcome to Dance Principles United, the podcast.

Together, we are passionate about helping studio owners with the business of running their studio.

Join us as we talk everything from marketing systems, studio culture, motherhood, life, and everything in between.

This is the Dance Principles United podcast. Hey, friends, and welcome to the Dance Principals United podcast. I am here with the love.

Beck.

How are you, my friend?

Super awesome. So excited to be here with you Always, Amanda. Always a fun time.

Absolutely. Hey, we're going to talk Dance Mums today. Now, I know Dance Mums is your favorite show in the world.

Guys, I have to admit, Dance Mums is literally my favorite show.

Like, I just can't deal.

I can't think of anything that I would rather do than chill on the couch and watch an episode that I've watched already 50 times of dance moms. I just love it.

Oh, my God. It gives me, like, anxiety.

I know you hate it. I love it so much.

That show isn't that crazy. Anyway, that is not what we're really talking about. It's more about. We wanted to chat today about how being dance moms and also just being mums has changed how we have approached studio ownership, life and all of those things because we're both dance moms and it's a big part of our life, right?

Yeah. And I know heaps of studio owners out there that are listening to this also have a child who dances. Um, and that can be so hard in so many different ways. But the first thing I wanted to bring up, and this is the reason that I thought of this, to do a podcast on this, is because you don't own the studio anymore. And you were at my house last night because we're doing some work together over the next couple of days. And you were worried about the fact that Zali was getting home so late from dancing. Like it was 9:30 and we were on the couch having a champagne.

But I could watch her on Live360. We all stalk our children, like, right.

And she still wasn't home. And she left home at 7:30 30 that morning or something ridiculous.

And it was a big day. She's 12. Like it's a big day for her. And I'm finding that, look, I have a different dance schedule as a dance mom because I have three girls dancing, which most people don't have three kids dancing. But, you know, it's definitely opened my eyes to what we ask of our parents, because it does. It affects my whole family life. We don't have dinner. Zali, my eldest, dances five nights a week. Most nights she dances till either 8, 15 or 9 o' clock finish. We live half an hour away from the studio. Usually takes her about 20 minutes to get out of the studio, 15 minutes to get out of the studio. Sometimes, like, you know, it's quite late. And she goes straight from school as well every single day. She doesn't ever come home first because we live too far away and because I've got the other ones at the studio too. Right. So every day she goes straight from school and she's there till that kind of time. And it affects our home life, Right. Like we don't have dinner together. It is very rare that we have dinner together, all of us. And look, I choose this life for my daughter because I love it. But it does make me think about, as studio owners, what are we asking of our parents?

It's crazy because, like, when you're the studio owner there, you don't realize that because you're there teaching the whole time anyway, or you're there on front desk or whatever you're doing. So it's. You've completely removed yourself from that. And you're just like, holy. I never thought of that either, to be honest, until you've started to say it to me. And I'm like, yeah. Like, I think about those parents who have two or three kids, you know, even. Look, even my family on a Tuesday and Tuesday night, I'm not at the studio because I have Phoenix, but we have. We take Josh to the. Well, BB to the studio. Josh to the studio. Pick Josh up. Pick baby up.

Yeah. And all different times. Yeah.

And I leave live three minutes away, let alone 30 minutes away. Yeah.

It's a hard thing. Yeah.

It's crazy.

Absolutely. So I think, you know, it's that really tricky thing. I also, like, this is just weird. And I'm sure other studio owners relate, right? Like, when I first sold my studio, I don't think I'd literally had dinner at home that many nights in my life ever. Because I went as a. From a teenager who danced till all hours.

Yep.

To a studio owner that taught every single night. I pretty much, until I sold the studio, was at the studio every night. I wasn't there till nine every night. I was there till nine some nights, but, you know, till at least like seven, I was there pretty much every night. So to have this many dinners at home to start with, I was like, what the hell do people do at home? Like, what is this? I don't even know what the hell I'm doing with myself. I've got all this free time, which I don't have anymore because I'm now driving my kids back and forth. Yeah, but it is that hard thing because I, you know, I was reflecting on this the other day. I want my daughters to dance. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy.

We're not saying that.

But, you know, it's that thing. Like if, for example, Zali has been doing that many nights and she's doing it for eight years, do we never have a birthday dinner together? You know, like for all of our kids, like, there's such. Because she will not miss a class. Like, there is no way I'm talking her out of missing a class ever. You know, she's 12. But I'm not going to make force her to do something she doesn't want to do.

But you've also ingrained that in her. I have.

She's a hard worker. But yeah, I did think about that because she wasn't home for her sister's birthday dinner. And I was like, but she won't be home next year for her sister's birthday dinner. All the year after that, all the year off. It's not going to change. No, she's actually never going to have a birthday dinner with one of her sisters unless. Unless it happens to be on the weekend. Right, right. And I was like, that's a big, like, light bulb moment. I was like, so are they never going to remember a birthday dinner together?

Right.

Isn't that crazy to think that?

Yes, it is. And I think even with me, like, we have never done that either. And I've probably never thought of that.

Yeah, it's just that weird thing. Or like the grandparents dinner. Although, you know, whatever it is, I'm like, we literally just don't ever do it.

But before I had kids, I would get so angry at any child that left a troop rehearsal, for example, for a birthday dinner.

Me too. And I did. A year ago, I got to be honest.

Did you? I see. I don't, I don't get that angry about it now. I think I've changed a lot.

If it was the week before comp and like, one of my seniors was like, oh, it's my sister's birthday, I'm not coming to class. I'd be like, you're committed to this team, you've got to be there. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But then I said, and I know it's hard when you've got 20 kids in the class and they all miss different nights and all of that. But people also need to have a family life as well. And I do think that's important, especially if it's the kid that only misses it once a year, twice a year. It's a hard thing.

I was like before I had kids, I was so much tougher on my students, actually. Pete Evans laughs about this all the time. He's at my studio today, actually. But he laughs about this all the time and he's like, you were so hard on us. Which I was. And then I think I had Bibi. And then I just. You just mellow a bit and you like realize, hang on.

Hey, so we just did a podcast with Baby before. If you haven't checked it out, make sure you jump back and listen to the podcast I recorded with Baby. Baby was talking about her, how much she loves makeup. But you've told me that that wasn't always the case.

Right.

And like how much that changed your perspective. Do you want to talk about that?

She was a nightmare. So when she was like four or five, we used to have to put. We had to. She was in troop at 5 and 6. We had to put makeup on her.

But she complained you created those rules.

Just to be super clear, those rules. And I didn't ever think that was an unrealist to put makeup on a.

Stick, foundation on mascara, like she hated it.

And I can understand it because I'm going at her with this black stick to, you know, get mascara on her eyelashes and she'd blink and there'd be.

Mascara and then yell at her and then.

And she was quite a messy child. She's looking at me now, but she was like quite a messy child and like, you know, a bit not tomboyish, but just never had her hair slicked and didn't want her hair slicked and that sort of thing. And then here I am slicking her hair and yeah, it was a whole other perspective. So then I've since then, don't make my six and unders wear any makeup at all. And can I just say, it's never affected our place in Inner Steadford. If they want to wear it, they can. Like if their parent, if they genuinely are a six year old because some.

Six year old, it's like my daughter just lives to put makeup on. Like, you know, she's just turned seven and she just lives for it. That's the best part about concert for her. Or the best part about the comp.

Right, Exactly. But if they Genuinely hate it. Like BB Did. I don't make them do it. That's another thing that I learned when I had baby was how hard it is to get a child ready in the morning before computer. Like, they're tired, they don't want to put a full face of makeup on, then they have to put stockings on. Baby hates stockings. So then they have to put stockings on.

And so you mellowed with all of that.

Yeah.

Because you felt like as a parent, like, it was unnecessary to make. Just kind of make you flip your switch on it a little bit and go, just because we've always done this doesn't mean we have to keep doing it.

Yes. But it also made me flick my switch on. I understood why mums were coming to the comp in a cranky mood, and I often would think it was me or they were upset with me or whatever, but they're probably just upset with the whole morning of.

Yeah, it's been a morning.

Having to do that.

Like, yeah, it's like, mum, life is hard. Right. And getting the kids ready for the, like, putting makeup on, making sure you're at the door, you don't know where to go. We talked about this on another podcast. Right. Like, they're quite often showing up to a venue that they've never been before. They didn't know they were running late. They didn't realize the parking was going to be a nightmare. There's all of this stuff. So the more you can prep your dance parents for that and give them the tools they need to succeed, whether that's telling them about the parking, whether that's giving them permission not to put makeup on, and them not worried about that the studio is going to yell at them when they get there. Like, you're setting them up for success. Right?

Yes. And I think just being a bit more understanding of that because we're so obsessed with the win and the da, da, da. And instead of just worrying, sometimes you just got to think, that could have been a really horrible situation for that parent, actually. And that will, you know.

Absolutely. What other kind of things have you mellowed on since being a parent?

Well, I want to talk about.

You want to ask me. Okay.

Teaching your own children, did you do a lot of that?

I did with my elf eldest and then I tapered it off.

Yeah. Because you stopped teaching it.

I stopped teaching. Oh, look, I only stopped teaching after my third. Only because I fell out of love with it more than anything. Yeah. But, yeah, I taught Zali a fair bit. I definitely taught her in minis. And I think it depends what type of kid you have as well. Right. She was great in the class. It was never an issue. We never, you know, she started it two or whatever. It was never an issue. She started calling me Ms. Amanda, even though we'd never had that conversation. Like, she's a smart kid as well. We never had a conversation about, hey, this is appropriate. This isn't never an issue. She was absolutely fine in class. She never tried to hug me in class. Like, she just, like, automatically knew. Whereas I know that I could never have taught Sassy in class.

I don't know what you're talking about.

She would have been an absolute nightmare. And, like, even a few times when I was the studio and I just had to. Not even. I think maybe I've had to fill in on her class once. But even just things, like, I would try not to walk through the room. I would not even, like, put my head in. I try. If I had to go and do something with another kid in there, I'd send one of my other team members in it because I knew she'd come running to me, cling to me, make a big deal, show off in front of the other kids. Right. I think it has to do with your individual child.

Totally. Yeah. It is hard, though, to teach your own kids. Like, honestly, 99% of the time, Baby and I are good, but we do sometimes fight over things. And, like, it is. It is hard. Like, and I hear that from lot of studio owners that it's very hard. I'll tell you what the hardest part is, though, and it probably didn't apply to Baby, and she's watching this now.

She's sitting us with us in the podcast with being our producer today.

Anyway, when Baby was little, she was not a very good dancer, and she will admit to that as well. And she wasn't into it. She didn't work hard at it. It was just a fun thing for her. As she got older, you know, she became really good. And now she's probably one of the best dancers at Pause. And so she's getting lots of big parts. And all the things. And the backlash you get for that is so hard sometimes because it's like, well, especially if you're teaching, it's like, do I give her the main or a main role that she definitely deserves?

Yes.

But then are other people gonna say she just got the main role because.

She'S your daughter making business decisions as well as teacher and creative decisions?

Yeah. And then it's like, is that the best choice for her is that the best choice for the business? And I really try and take myself out of the equation now. Like, I don't teach obviously many of her troop classes or anything like that. I don't talk to the teachers who they should use for parts for musical. I don't tell them who they should. Like, you just gotta be. But I think still parents think that I do have that and that I'm just pushing her forward.

And so what happens if someone says something to you or you hear whispers about it? Do you, as a business owner, do you, obviously as a mum, you want to defend your child and say, hey, she's working so hard, she deserves this spot. As a business owner, do you go and explain to them those things? Do you call it out? Do you just let the whispers go? Like, how do you deal with it?

It. Oh, I think it depends on the situation. I've definitely called it out. You know me, I'm not scared of confrontation, Amanda. So I've definitely called it out at times when I thought it was necessary. But then there's other times that I'm like, what do you do? Like, people are allowed to be.

People are allowed to have their opinion as well.

100. And like, I can defend it till the nth degree, but they think their child's better. So it's not really going to make any difference. At the end of the day, is it? Like if. If they can't see who's better and who's not. But it doesn't matter how much I.

Whinge about it or it is what it is.

Defend it sometimes, sometimes not worth your energy, I think.

Absolutely. That's so, so tricky. Like there's so many interesting things about being a dance mum now and I, I find it really interesting. I find it really interesting because. And I know I've told you this before, but my youngest daughter is in the six and under troop. I don't know if it still is this year. Last year it was a six and under troop.

Yep.

And so I would go to the comp and stand with all the parents and I was trying really hard to be like a good dance mom and make friends with the parents and you know what it's like.

Proud of you, Amanda.

I was trying really, really hard. And a lot of them I'd never met, so they didn't know that I used to be the studio owner.

Right.

Which is this really bizarre thing because in the older troops, they all still call me Ms. Amanda and all of that. They know me but the younger ones, some of them were brand new. I saw the studio two years ago and some of them hadn't even started dancing before, or I'd sold it, right? So there was a heap of parents there that don't know who I am. And I'll just be like, oh, hi, I'm, you know, I'm Sassy's mom. I'm. I'm Amanda, like. And it was this really weird thing. And they'd be like, oh, do you know when they're adjudicated, like, how does this work? And I'd be like, they're like, oh, you know, a lot. I'm like, yeah, yeah, I do. I do know what I'm talking about. And it was always that really weird thing and it's so hard. And they're like, oh, so, oh, how should we do the Barnamander? And I'm like, like, oh, I don't know. That's not really on me. Like, just have a chat to them, you know, And I hear whispers. I have, you know. So the other day, I had one of the other six and under mums come and say to me, hey, my daughter's been doing a solo and I don't know if I should say anything. Can I ask you some advice? And I'm like, cool, all right, yeah, absolutely. She's like, you know, she's been doing a private lesson and we're doing technique working up to rad ballet exams, but she's desperate to start a dance and, you know, they told me she would start a dance and she hasn't yet. What should I do?

Right?

Really interesting conversation. Because I'm like, oh, this is an interesting perspective she is worried about. I could see what had happened straight away, right? One of the teachers had gone on maternity leave and there'd been a miscommunication. The new teacher obviously didn't know what was meant to be happening. It was so clear and so apparent to me. But this mum was, like, beside herself stressed, right? And I was like, why don't you just say something? Oh, I don't want to be annoying. I'm like, you're not being annoying. You're asking for what you want. But that's that interesting thing, right? And I think it's really important that as studio, she ended up talking to the teacher about it. Got it fixed next week. It was fine. It was not a big deal. But parents build things up so much, they make these things into big. Like, I could see it and go, this isn't a big deal. Like, the Teacher was going to start the Corrie in three or four weeks to start it now because she wants it. It's important to her. It's not a big deal. But I think it's so important to know as a studio owner that some parents get really anxious. They build things up in their head and you have to create such a safe space for them to feel like they chat to you about it.

Yes. But I just wanted to say it's not a big deal, but we do make big deals out of stupid as studio owners all the time. Yeah.

And. And this wasn't for. And like, like. But yeah, I can see how that.

Things that we think are a big deal really in the whole scheme of things aren't.

Yeah. Like does if the deal. If the girl has eyeliner on at the comp, is it really a big deal?

What did I say to the parents the other day? And I would have lost my. Over this back in the day. Right. Like, if you don't have a bow for your child's hair, get it's okay. Like, it's not the be all and end all. We're not going to scream and shout at you. Whereas back in the day I probably would have yelled at them. But like, we do make big deals. Like, is it over little things. Are we really going to get first or not first in the troop because one child is missing a bow? Probably not. We don't want them to forget the bow.

Absolutely not.

But at the same time happens.

So yeah, it's a. It's a hard balance. Right. It's such a hard balance to kind of go between that because you do. You just want everyone to feel happy and confident in your studio and you need to create an acceptance for that and be flexible when happens. I think that's the big thing. If they forget the bow, what's the point? I all my big thing that I used to talk to my staff about. I don't know if you have this same conversation with your staff is, okay, they forgot the bow. What's the point of getting upset at them or angry at them because they still don't have the bow.

That's right.

All that happens is that they're upset set and they go on stage badly. Or the mum's pissed off at you, or the mum's sitting there feeling guilty or she's messaging her husband going, oh my God, I can't believe, you know, nothing changes. They still don't have the bow. Right.

Absolutely.

Why? Why make a deal out of it? Why make a snide comment. Why do anything? Just leave it and fix. Either put a bow in them or don't like. Whatever you do, don't make a deal about it to the parent. Yeah, but if it is something that perhaps can be changed or fixed, that's different. But if it can't be fixed, just leave it. Let it the start Sing singing Let.

It go, let it go, let it go. It's gonna make the kid feel too. Then the kid's probably gonna perform badly on stage and yeah, it's crazy, right? Like I've had kids full forget shoes, everything. But then I'm like I have to self reflect and go. I always forget stuff. I forgot. Phoenix had an athletics carnival this morning, didn't he? Goes to school in the uniform, the teachers are calling me. He's got an athletics carnival. Had to drive to the athletic like happens. We all up as parents all the time.

Yeah.

Don't make them feel bad so righteous that you think that you don't make mistakes and just be aware of that and just try and solve the problem, I guess. And then if you can't solve it, just let it go.

It's so true. And I think that's probably the heart of what we're kind of getting at both now that we're dance moms, we can see how hard it can be, how easily it can be to forget something. Like there's a lot going on with people. There's a lot going on in the mornings when you've got little kids. You know, it also might mean you have to, you know, get your daughter to the comp, but you've got to get your son to soccer beforehand and you got to make sure the kitchen's clean and oh, and by the way, you've got people coming over for dinner tonight and you've got to remember to do this and that because the dance comp is just one small part of their day.

Exactly.

I think that's the interesting part or the dance lesson or the concert or whatever. That's one that's your whole day as a studio owner or the teacher. But for a parent that is is one portion of their day because they've got so many other things going on besides that. They're still going to work out what to have for dinner, they're still going to make sure the washing's on, they've still got to do all these other things. So you know, as a parents, I think we know that happens. So we've got to make sure we allow that as studio owners and like let People have, like, give them some breathing room.

Yeah, absolutely. So we hope you enjoyed today's episode, guys.

Bit of a ranty one from us.

Because I feel like, like people, like, honestly, if you guys are out there and you're a mom whose daughter or son dances, I feel like you'll resonate with this because it is tricky at times. Like, it's hard, but. And you do self reflect a lot more. I feel like even more so in your position now, Amanda, that. Because I'm on that side with you, because I'm listening to you chat about this stuff all the time and then I'm like, shit, Never thought of that. Oh, yeah, I didn't even think of that actually. Now I can see that. Like, whereas before, I didn't really see any of that. It's just very interesting being.

Yeah.

Because you never talked about any of that stuff before you stopped being a student.

Absolutely not.

Yeah, yeah. It's interesting, right?

Super interesting. So I think, you know, it is hard to see it through other people's eyes, but I think do your best to sort of see it through other people's perspectives. See how, you know what might be happening behind the scenes in their life as well. Yeah, I think that's a really important part to it.

Absolutely. Hey, reach out and comment and let me know if you guys. You guys find it easier, hard to teach your kids. If you resonate with any of the stuff that we've chatted to you about today, we'd love to hear it. Always love chatting with you guys. It's always great.

So, so good. Thanks so much for joining us. We'll see you next week on the episode. Bye. Friends, we hope you enjoyed this episode of the Dance Principles United podcast. If you'd love to learn more from us, we have a special offer just for our podcast listeners. Go to the link in the show notes right now to get two weeks free in Dance Principles United Tribe. We would love to see you there.