Boundaries Aren't Selfish—They're How You Teach Respect | Coach Ambereen
Coach Ambereen explains why boundaries teach respect rather than create distance. She covers three areas: daily self-care rituals that signal your own worth, asking partners whether they need listening or problem-solving, and using clear signals like timeouts with family to model respectful behavior.
Chapters
Boundaries. Every single person's talking about it, and here we are. You've tuned in to listen because you want to find out how to create healthy boundaries. So welcome, and thank you for giving me this opportunity to do that with you today. We're going to really dive into what it means to set boundaries first and foremost for yourself, and why that is essential and very, very, very big part of our today's conversation. The second thing that we're going to dive into is creating boundaries with your partner. That is right. The people who count on you, who depend on you, who want you to come and heal them, save them, protect them, and just be there for them. How do we actually communicate healthy boundaries with them so that way you're not caught up in the loop? And then lastly, we'll dive into the amazing kiddos, our family members, and the extended people who we serve and support. Let's dive in. Okay, when I'm talking about boundaries, And I'm saying first and foremost, create boundaries with yourself. I want you to answer this question: when was the last time you felt like you respected and loved yourself? Often we are so busy just doing the actions, doing the things, that we forget to take care of ourselves. So we have no boundaries that we've set for ourselves to really be successful in life. How could you actually start to feel self-love? I want you to think of one ritual, one habit that you can create every single day that reminds you that you also matter. And when you create this boundary for yourself and you pour back into you, that's right, the boundary here that you are creating is that you're pouring back into you. But why is that a boundary, Ambereen? Because this is the time that you're going to communicate to your loved ones, to your family, to your responsibilities that you are setting aside for you. If you're like me or the younger version of me, you will know that you prioritize everybody and everything and there's never a time for you, and your family doesn't even know that's an expectation that they can have from you. When I told my kids that, hey, for me, 10 o'clock is bedtime, that means by 9 o'clock I need you in bed if you want your hugs, your prayers, your love, and your kisses for me to tuck you in. If not, that night you're on your own. So you see, I'm actually prioritizing myself, creating healthy boundary with my kids, and communicating the expectations to them. So those 3 steps are essential to making this formula work. Drop in the comments below, what is one thing that you'll start to do for yourself to love on you a little more, to respect you a little bit more? Let's dive into those amazing relationships that you serve. The one starting with your partner, your spouse, that lover of yours who actually turns to you for many, many, many things in life. And you know what? Kudos to you. Kudos to you for being that person, someone's it factor, somebody who makes their life easy, gives them more calm and support. Oftentimes when we're trying to troubleshoot and be there for other people, we're reliving those emotions. Let me say that again to you. When you are supporting your husband, your wife, your fiancé, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, you are living those emotions with them unless you create a boundary. What boundary am I talking about? I'm talking about an intentional boundary of being mindful of your energy so you are not caught up in those emotions. Think about a time when all of a sudden Your partner comes in guns blazing and they just need to vent. They just go, go, go, go, go, and you're— you have no idea it's going to come to you. What do you do in that moment? If you can relate, drop a yes in the chat, in the comments. What can you do at that moment in time? Well, anticipate moments like these are part of life. Prepare for them in advance by creating boundaries with yourself and sometimes even with them. To say, hey, do you need me in this moment to just listen to you and hear you out, or do you need me to support you along the way to get more clarity? I know it sounds a little coachy, so let's dim it down. Just ask them, hey, do you just need to vent about something? You have to get something off your chest. And when they say yes, tell yourself, take nothing that they say personal. And that you're just here to be a sounding board. And when you tell yourself, I'm just here to be a sounding board, I don't want to relive the pain that they're going through, the frustration, the anger, the— all the emotional turmoil that they're in, then you can actually just be there to do that. See how this can work for you? Now, if you are somebody who is thinking about applying this simple principle, what is that intention that you're going to create for yourself? To protect your own energy from the emotional challenges that are going to come up when your partner needs your support? Drop that in the comments. It really helps all of us to learn from you the same way you're here learning for yourself. The last thing I said is creating some of those wonderful, amazing boundaries with our family members. These can be your kids, these can be your parents, these can be your siblings, these can be your friends, whoever you want to put in this bigger bucket. You see, boundaries are a way that we teach people how to treat us. And what matters to us. And unless we tell people, and believe it or not, again and again and again and again and again, you're literally training someone, right? Think about it. Think about your kiddos who, when they began to train themselves to walk, they fell all the time and then to get back up and try again. It's the exact same concept. When you tell your kid, hey, Don't raise your voice with me because that's my cue that I'm no longer participating. You're going to test that boundary a lot because the old version of you didn't have this boundary. Now we're setting the stage. So how do you do this? Something that's really worked in our home, and I'm really bringing it back with my kiddos, 3 of them, all of which are teenagers. As you can tell, emotions get heightened sometimes. They don't understand the way that they're operating. They think they're so cool, right? And they are, right? So what you want to communicate at that time is like a pause and a snap out of it moment. And they're gonna test it. Why? Because you haven't set that boundary for them before. So all I do now is I just put my hand up and go like this, which basically means I'm taking a timeout, or you need to take a timeout to really catch your emotions, to figure out that this behavior is not acceptable in our home. And right now, as I was recording this for you, my son called me. Gotta pick him up early from school. He doesn't know what's going on. So he says, what's happening? Why am I being picked up? And I was trying to record this for you, and I saw that he picked up on the frustration in my voice and then the need to want to get off the phone faster. He said, hey, Ma, what is going on with you? Why that tone of voice? So when you are teaching your children that respect is expected as a boundary for your home, it's a give and receive. You've got to be able to let them hold you accountable to the same respect that you expect from them. This, for our family, has been a game changer. My kids have the authority to co-regulate the emotions, the expectations, and the values of our home, which makes them feel empowered inspired and courageous to know that if somebody is doing something wrong, I want to be there to bring out a better version of themselves. I'm not saying that setting boundaries is easy. What I am saying is you can do it. First, start with yourself. What do you really need for you? Then communicate that to the people who will be impacted by it. Second, when you are thinking about your partner, your significant other, just ask them and let them know, hey, Do you just need me to listen or help you solve this? And once they tell you the answer, show up with that intentionality. And lastly, we actually have to role model the behaviors that we're expecting from our extended family members to teach them how to treat us, because if we are not respectful to ourselves, believe it or not, they won't be respectful to us either.
