How to Speak with Compassion and Candor Pt 1

Do not write yourself off by simply saying I'm just not a candid person or I'm just not a very compassionate person. I'm just not emotional, I'm super logical. All those things that we tell ourselves, and those are these defense mechanisms that limit your ability to be vulnerable and grow as a leader.

Welcome to the Pursue Whole Podcast. I'm your host Andy Maurer, and in this podcast I share my insights as a leadership coach and former therapist. I sit down with some of the highest level leaders in business, entertainment and human performance to help you pursue wholeness in your work, life and relationships. Thanks for joining me. Let's jump in.

Hey everyone. Welcome back to the Pursue Whole Podcast. One of the biggest questions I get from leaders is Andy how do I balance both compassion or empathy and this idea of candor? How do I say the hard things that need to be said in a way that is gracious and empathetic and doesn't leave me feeling like a jerk or completely disconnected from the person who's sitting across from me? In order to do justice to this question, I decided to break this podcast into a three part series. In this first portion, we'll be talking about the interplay between compassion and candor and why it's important to possess both of these in high quantities. We'll also look at what happens when these two are off balance in our life. In the two episodes that follow, I will specifically break down compassion and candor into more detail and give you practical steps on how to grow in each one of these quadrants of your life and leadership. But first, what do we mean when we say compassion and candor? They're actually a lot closer in meaning than you might expect. Here's how I define compassion. Compassion is risking your own discomfort by choosing to enter into the pain of another person's experience with the simple outcome of connection. Let me say that again, compassion is risking your own discomfort by choosing to enter into the pain of another person's experience with the simple outcome of connection. And on the flip side, candor is defined in a similar way. Candor is risking your own discomfort by entering into the development and growth of another person's experience with the simple outcome of love. So once again, candor is risking your own discomfort by choosing to enter into the development and growth of another person's experience with the simple outcome of love. And by love I mean this willful, sacrificial love that intentionally desires another's highest good. Compassion is about connection. It's about entering into someone's pain or Suffering. It's not about progressing forward. It's not about tips or strategies or optimization. It's really about being known, heard and seen. Connection is the ultimate outcome of compassion. Now, candor is about development and growth. It's about being inspired, confronted and pushed. It's about caring so deeply for someone's well being that you want them to be the best that they possibly can be. It's not about crushing someone, it's about directing them because you care deeply for them and you want them to grow as a person. But here's the thing. Both compassion and candor require you to get uncomfortable. I had a client sit with me the other day and share a huge success that they had in business and within their organization. And I knew this success wasn't just because of outside metrics. It was because of the hard work that he was doing as an emotionally whole leader. And I really wanted to sit there and tell this guy, hey, the reason why you're seeing the shift in your culture, the reason why people are loving being there and showing up for work, is largely because of who you are developing yourself as, as a person, of who you are as a person. I'm really proud of you for doing this work. I wanted to be really candid with him. I wanted to inspire and encourage him. I wanted to slow him down, to take in the fact that he's done an amazing job and for us to celebrate that together. Yet in that moment, it was really hard. I found myself taking this ginormous breath right before I said that. And the reason why I took that huge breath was because I was actually really nervous. And it's uncomfortable even for me to say such kind or loving or affirmative words. But I did it because I really cared about his development. I cared about his growth. And I did it because I really loved him. And I was willing to put myself in an uncomfortable position to let him have a gift of encouragement, hope and love. Both compassion and candor are about risking your own discomfort. It's comfortable to not enter into the pain of compassion. And it's comfortable to not go the extra mile and share and guide and direct because you actually really do love someone. Compassion and candor both require high levels of vulnerability. Let's take this real practical. I want you to rate yourself on a scale 1 to 10 on how well you feel like you possess compassion and candor. Ten being a really high capacity, one being a really low capacity. So let's start with compassion. I'm going to give you a couple seconds here to, to rate yourself on where you feel like you fall on this spectrum.

Okay. Do you have that number in your mind? Perfect. Now we're going to move to candor. I want you to rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 on how well you possess the ability to be candid.

Okay. At this point, you should have two numbers in your head. More than likely, you're going to be better at one of these than the other. You might have a 2 or a 3 in candor and an 8 or a 9 in compassion, or you might have really high candor. But you struggle to show compassion and have empathy. This really. It's not uncommon to be lopsided like that, but it will cause a lot of problems in the long run. So let me say a quick disclaimer here. Do not write yourself off by simply saying, I'm just not a candid person, or, I'm just not a very compassionate person. I'm just not emotional. I'm super logical. All those things that we tell ourselves, and those are these defense mechanisms that limit your ability to be vulnerable and grow as a leader. When you do that, you really close the door to curiosity and growth. And, yes, your personality probably leans to one of those spectrums or the other. And at the same time, you can really extend and expand your ability to grow in both of these categories to a really high degree. How do I know this? Because I've seen men and women who told me that they had zero empathy and emotion. And those same leaders broke down in my room and said, hey, Andy, thank you for helping me get out what I always knew was in there, but I was really scared to face it. I was really scared to let that out. And they had told themselves their whole life, I'm just not an emotional person. And yet it was that defensive mechanism to really hide from the fear of letting that emotion out. So if you're telling me you're just not empathetic or you're just a candid person and that's a part of who you are, then you need to stop this podcast right now because you're not in a position to want to grow or develop as a leader. But if you're willing to get uncomfortable for the sake of being a whole leader, then let's jump in. There are really four combinations of individuals here when it comes to compassion and candor. The first combination is that those who have high compassion and low candor. The second combination is those who have high candor and low compassion. The third combination of individuals, those who have low candor and low Compassion. And then the fourth type of individual or leader are those who have high candor and high compassion. So let's say you have really high compassion and yet you have low candor. You're going to be really, really gifted at creating a safe place for people around you to feel known and seen. You're probably going to go the extra mile to help people feel welcomed in relationship and you're going to help people feel really important when they're in your presence. But if you have really high compassion and really low candor, you will feel a ton of anxiety when it comes to having these really difficult conversations. You'll constantly ruminate on how you might have hurt someone's feelings. Or you'll walk away from a conversation feeling like you've constantly disappointed people or what are they thinking of me? You might even let things go unaddressed for long periods of time. Maybe you were supposed to have that conversation and you didn't because you're scared of that conflict. But then it's going to blow up later on you. And what's actually going to happen is you're going to lose the ability to build trust around those who are in your inner circle. Partly because they know you're going to tell them what they want to hear, but not what they need to hear because you can't tap into that cand. The second type of person is someone who's really high in candor and really low in compassion. And you're going to be extremely gifted at moving things forward, at getting things done and not letting people or things get in the way of your success. People will probably really admire you for your ability to speak your mind. But here's the reality. You're going to lose trust with those around you because instead of them coming in your presence and feeling empowered, they're going to come in your presence and feel torn down constantly. Your team might respect your ability to drive forward or get things done or clear everything in the way, but they're going to be performing out of fear. They're not going to be performing out of creativity and stability. And that is going to ripple down within the organization and within the company. And you're going to lose high level talent. You're not going to be able to retain them because that culture is toxic. So if you are high in candor, you're going to move things along. But if you lack compassion, you. You're really going to disrupt the culture and that feeling of safety within the organization. So what happens when you or a team member is really low in both categories. And here's where we get to the third category. When you are low in compassion and low in candor, this is the most dangerous place to be. If you're low in compassion and candor, not only are you unable to say what needs to be said, but you're also going to be unable to help people feel safe, connected, and known within your inner circles. So your ability to help a company and team move forward towards growth is going to be really, really limited. And you need to take an immediate action at identifying what's inhibiting you from showing up. If you're low in compassion and low in candor, you're simply a warm body in a room. But you're not showing up and actually being vulnerable. You're not allowing people to actually see you. It's going to be really difficult for you to create growth or progress or even feelings of safety within not only a company or a team, but in every relationship. Now hear me. You're not stuck here. This isn't who you are. There is a lot of opportunity for growth and development in this. But you need to step back and do a deep dive into figuring out why you are not willing to show up. Stop hiding. The world needs your candor and it needs your compassion. And for some reason, you feel like it's safer to just hide. But then you end up being just that warm body in the room. The goal is not to get really good at one of these or the other. It's to be really good at both. And you can stretch that. So this leads us into that fourth category of individual, which is someone who's really high in compassion and high in candor. This is the whole leader. They're extremely agile in relationships and they can meet people directly where they're at. It's not that they're being fake or pretending. It's just that they know how to show up authentically as themselves. These leaders are actually some of the most vulnerable leaders because they're bringing their full self to these relationships. You have to remember that our definitions on compassion and candor were that both of them require risking discomfort if done really well, they cost us something. They're going to cost our comfort or our time, our resources or our energy. But if you're able to have high levels of candor and high compassion, this is going to equip you to create a really safe place for people to show up and be human. And. And you're also going to be equipped to be able to help those people be the best humans they possibly can be. And one of the best parts of this is that you won't have to micromanage people as a leader or evoke fear in people to inspire them to action. They're going to be in an environment where they can recognize their failures because that environment is safe enough to because of your compassion. And they're going to be able to take the proper steps to learn and grow as a response of those failures because you have cultivated an honest and candid culture and set that standard as a leader. Okay, so where are we going next? We're not done here. In these next couple of weeks, we're going to be releasing two more episodes which are going to help you learn some skills and strategies on how to level up in your ability to communicate with both compassion and candor so that you can be that whole leader that you were meant to be. I can't wait to have you join us next time. And remember, leaders change the world, but whole leaders are going to change that world for the better.

Thanks so much for listening. For more resources, links and show notes, visit pursue whole.com and click podcast. Before we go, it would be extremely helpful if you would please leave a review on itunes or wherever you find this podcast. This helps me understand my audience better and serve more leaders such as yourself. That's it for me this week. Feel free to connect with me on LinkedIn or other social platforms and I'll be back next week with another episode of the Pursue Whole Podcast.