Trevor Hightower - The Power of a Second Chance and Why Opening Pandora’s Box is Worth it for Those You Love Most

And he basically told me, hey, you could do this the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is just go to my counselor, I will pay for it. And the hard way is you could have a, you could literally have a breakdown like I did.

Welcome to the Pursue Whole podcast. I'm your host, Andy Maurer. And in this podcast I share my insights as a leadership coach and former therapist. I sit down with some of the highest level leaders in business, entertainment and human performance to help you pursue wholeness in your work, life and relationships. Thanks for joining me. Let's jump in.

Welcome to the Pursue Whole Podcast. I'm extremely excited to have on our guest, Trevor Hightower. Trevor, welcome.

Andy, it's so good to be here.

Tell us a little bit about you and a little bit about your story.

Well, I am an optimist and an encourager and I care deeply about people and them thriving and business.

And so that works itself out as I'm a husband and a father of the Hightower family and a founding partner of a company called Kraftwerk. And then I'm a proud fourth grade coach of my son Chase's football team.

That's awesome. Are you a good coach? I mean, I feel like if I was a coach, I probably couldn't be a good dad and a good coach at the same time. How's that process been for you?

Okay, so this is a funny story. I live in Alita, Texas. And so if you can imagine like your the version of like Friday Night Lights, when you think of Friday Night Lights like that is the town that I live in. I mean, they live and breathe football. So much so that to even become the fourth grade coach in Alito, I had to sit in front of a seven person board where they peppered me with questions about why I was suitable to be the fourth grade coach. And I think I said something to the effect of, you know, winning is not the most important thing. It's the character of the young men and pouring into them. And I think two of them, literally, their jaws dropped when, when I said that. So that's, that's, that's my, my coaching. Somehow I've been allowed to coach there. And I will say it's a lot of neat crossover between.

My role as a dad and as a coach. It's been, I've learned that it doesn't work well if I am ever critical of my son, you know, in the, in the public setting coaching. So I don't do that. But I like, I encourage him and then I, and I have so Much fun as a coach. That it's actually strengthened the relationship with my son, which has been really neat.

That's amazing. I mean, we've. So we've been connected for a couple years now. We've chatted a couple times. And this theme keeps coming up between just our conversations around the importance of connection and the importance of relationships. And I think that is more important now than ever. And I think what you're doing at Kraftwerk is a great depiction of how you are seeking to bring the world together, help them connect better. Can you describe a little bit more about what you do at Kraftwerk and that. That vision?

Oh, gladly, Andy. That's. Thank you for setting it up like that. Yeah. Well, I mean, the problem that we see at Kraftwerk is we are isolated, we are lonely as a society. We've never been more disconnected. And you've done a lot of work and study on all of the reasons why. And so my background, I've been in commercial real estate ever since I got out of the Air Force and love real estate. But there was a question that haunted me of what's the meaning? What's the purpose, the ultimate purpose of real estate? And that led me on the journey of ultimately craft work where, if I'm going to be involved in real estate, I want to create and be part of creating places where the people who in this case live in multifamily or apartment buildings, their lives are better because of the type of places that we're trying to create. So that's the why. What craftwork does is we partner with multifamily owners or apartment owners, and we place what we call a hospitality bar, which is kind of a. An 8 by 8 or a 10 by 10 bar that is placed in the front of the building, usually the lobby or amenity area. And we are providing front of house services that if you think of kind of a concierge, we are greeting guests as they come in. And we are doing kind of the services in the front of house. But we're also providing food and beverage for the residents and doing poolside service. And that is all really great. Residents love that. But the secret or the most important part of Kraftwerk is our bar host, which they're the individual behind bar. And they're the. Their focus and kind of what really how they're wired and what they live for. And their job is connecting with residents and knowing their names, knowing their stories to the point where they can create personalized moments when they're providing a drink. They're also Saying hey, good luck on your job interview. Because they've listened and they've heard the stories of the residents that they've built relationships with.

I mean that's amazing. Especially after the last two years of being isolated and away from connection. To have these really personal, intimate moments with even a, you know, the person standing across from you, your barista or someone checking you out and that they know you, that they're connected to you. Is that, tell me, how has that become so important to you? Did you grow up with a deep level of connection? Did you find that along the way? Like, tell me a little bit about why that has become so central for you.

Well, it is a great question. I think that what I saw just professionally was really talented, world class individuals that were in real estate developing beautiful real estate. The product was amazing and the aesthetic and the design and that's really important. And then what I didn't see in up the apartment space was intentionality around the operations to do what you're describing to really make a resident feel generously seen. And so that I saw that as both kind of the missional opportunity and.

The value proposition opportunity. And I got really excited about those two intersecting. And it's a really interesting question kind of personally why I'm so attracted to that. I didn't necessarily grow up in a hyper connected environment. I grew up with an amazing single mother for a good portion of my childhood and then she did me a really great man who became my stepdad.

But I will say that there's kind of moments in the childhood where I was, was disconnected, didn't really feel connected to a friend group kind of early on. And so that that could be at the root of it, of why I feel so important. I will say also that.

You know, I.

Can really relate to in my, even in current setting of being, you know.

A founder of a company that's focused on connection and sometimes not being connected myself to those I care most about. And so I can talk more about that. But there's, you know, it it. I care about it so much and yet I still have to do a lot of work there.

Man. Thank you for sharing that. Being so vulnerable in that I think those of us who.

Want to create our businesses and our, you know, our ventures around really value driven things, there tends to be a lot of shame when we ourselves don't live up to those same values that we want to put out in the world. It sounds like there's some, some just pain there, some, you know, for all of us, some mistakes There along the way that you've made. Can you share a couple? Just that journey of those highs and that lows on how you got it right and how you got it wrong?

Well, the got it wrong list is long and distinguished. And so I think that my partner and I talk about this.

And one of the reasons why I just feel really lucky to have a partner like I do in Riley is Riley's just integrity is off the charts. And so he really feels when there's a disconnectedness between, you know, the mission and his own personal life or his own interaction. And I think that there's all sorts of examples where I felt this disconnection myself. I think where it. It's most.

On the top of my mind is just we're at a stage in our company where we are. We're growing, we're going locations, and I think part of it is the. This belief that what we're doing is really important and we espouse these values of we really care about the people that we engage with and we make them feel generously seen. And then my own proclivity to care more about getting a task done than the person who's across from me or not feeling sincere when I can't kind of create or establish relationship with a team, you know, in another market, and just feeling obviously there's a gap between what we're proclaiming is what we're about as a company, and then how I'm living that out. And so. And I will say that that shame does. That's the word. It. It. There's a shame there when it feels like, you know, I. I fall short in that.

Yeah, absolutely. And I think sometimes even in my own personal life, I think I feel such great shame because I care so deeply. It's not that I don't care. It's because I care so much that when I get it wrong and when I fracture those relationships, it hurts. It hurts me, it hurts others, and, you know, there's a lot of shame there.

Yeah, absolutely.

What just for you and your own journey to where you're at now, what were some of those really big pivotal moments or events in your life, Trevor, that paused. Caused you to pause and think about what matters most in life?

Yeah. I mean, there are.

A number that come to mind. I think that.

I had a pretty.

I just call it.

I was going to use the word traumatic, but I had a pretty intense conversion of faith when I was just getting out of the Air force. I was 26 years old, and. And so I still can remember the.

Wood Chip trail in Hermosa beach where I was running, and then all the moments that happened after. And so I just recall that moment because it was so real and powerful. And a lot of things shifted for me in that moment where I think leading up to that point.

I was a really good performer and trying to.

Just build a lot of.

Success and try to. That was my. My, the. My what I was trying to build, I was hiding, really. And I was never the same person with a lot of. With different parties of people. And so.

That moment was just a big inflection point.

And then in kind of moments where I have a dark night of the soul or where I have moments of doubt, it's really powerful just to go back and reflect on just the reality of that moment where afterwards I did have a friend group where I took the mask off and was myself all the time. And that was a very new experience. Experience for me. And, and so then, you know, after that, it's been a, A, A long journey of different moments where I think I would tend to go back to some same habits or.

My, My wiring of wanting to build my identity around what I do and, and try to hide would be kind of the. How I would act. And so there's different moments along the way where.

I was able to realize that's what I was doing and take a step in the right direction of, of not hiding.

And so you've used that word hiding a couple times. What is it that you were hiding? What was there that you were scared to let people see?

Yeah, I think that I'm thankful to do some work on this. And I think at the root of it is.

My father, who we have a really great relationship now I'm really thankful for. But early on as a child, he had a lot of episodes of bipolar. He was manic depressive. And.

And so I find myself in those chaotic moments as the.

I was the boy who was trying to make it all right around me and make everyone else feel better. And, and then, you know, on. On some level, I thought it. It was all happening because of me, that it. I was the reason why this was all. This was all happening. And so how that's played out in, you know, my. As I grew up through high school and college and, and career is.

Really trying to make everyone else around me good. So then I could, you know, I could essentially hide. And so that would look like, you know, me, you know, working really hard at my job and, you know, performing in a certain way. So. But you Know, kind of the exterior part of that. But you wouldn't really know who I was, because I was. I was kind of hiding beneath, you know, this.

This person of kind of. I'm. I'm, you know, performing and building up all of these.

This. This identity in my work or how I really appear to others.

I think just your story there about having a parent with mental health issues, I think so many people can especially. So many leaders can relate to that, and it does shape how we show up in the world to such a powerful degree. And I just, you know, it makes me feel really sad, even for you, Trevor, as you talk about this gift you have to connect people, to bring them together, to help them feel seen. And in that journey, there was this part of you that wasn't getting what he was giving everyone else. I mean, that must have felt extremely lonely. And when did you reach a breaking point where you realized, okay, I need to start opening up and. And not hiding, but start sharing?

Yeah, you know, there's a few different moments, and I really resonate with the character Jean Valjean in the play, in the book Les Mis, and that I feel like I've been given multiple second chances in life. And so his story, he was.

You know, he stole from the.

Individual who was trying to help him, the priest, and yet he was. Priest forgave him and gave him just this second chance, and it really transformed him. And I think that was. It's been my story. And so specifically, I had a really great mentorship relationship with an individual who. I think he saw a lot of my brokenness, and he saw a lot of it, you know, from kind of relating to his story. And so I would meet with him in my early 30s, and this mentor, who is in his 70s, offered to pay for my. My counseling. And. And he basically told me, hey, you could do this the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is just, you know, go to my counselor. I will. I will pay for it. And the hard way is you could, you know, have a. You could literally have a breakdown like I did. And so I, of course, took the hard way and did not go to the counseling that he had set up. And. And so it was kind of later, several years later, that was in my early 30s, where I think just that life was really, really full with work and being a dad and being a husband. And I felt, you know, at this inflection point, and I had a friend who kind of, in a similar way, said, hey, I. I'm. I got this life plan thing. I really think you need to do it. And I told, you know, my friend Austin multiple times, no, I just. I don't think it's the right time for me. And then he finally said, no, I'm. I'm paying for this. And flying a facilitator in to do this life plan weekend, and basically made it where I couldn't say no. And so got the second chance. And I thought I was going into this life plan event to strategize my life, which I love that. I mean, signed me up for that all day. But what it was, Andy, was a deep dive. At least the initial 36 hours was just a deep dive into my past. And really kind of the first time that I had done that, kind of looking at each key moment, highs and lows, and it was such a. The takeaways from that and kind of this realization of a lot of things I was.

Really holding in was a really freeing moment, a really powerful moment, and helped me kind of get a lot more clarity about the present and the future and just how I'm wired. I'm always thinking about the future.

And this was the first time where I really did a deep dive into the past. And it's helped me. I'm still very much on this journey, but helped me be a little bit more in the present. Although that's definitely a work in progress.

Yeah, man, I just love these courageous individuals who pursued you.

Yeah.

Just like you pursued all these other people. And, I mean, that sounds like those individuals had such an impact on you. And just, you know, speaking to other leaders who are listening to this podcast, a lot of leaders don't make it because they don't have people who intentionally push into them and show off them and lean into them. And yet, at the same time, the leader like you has to make the choice to do it right.

Yeah.

You have to take that step.

Yeah, I. I agree with both of those. And I think, you know, if you're listening, and this could be a call for you to be the person who reaches out to someone in your life and be.

Like Terry and Austin were to me, which I am so thankful that they. They pursued me, I wouldn't have taken the steps but for them seeing that I needed to get healthy and insisting that I took steps. So it could be a call for you to be the person who reaches out, because I do think that we all need someone from the outside to.

Come in and help us see a lot of times, because, you know, we're. Otherwise, it's hard to see the Blind spots. And if you're not having someone that cares about you, kind of direct you, and then on the other end, it could be a call. You could either have someone in your life who's mentioned this or.

Has prompted you in this way and to say yes, don't make the same mistake that I did, to say no the first time. I'm so thankful I got a second chance. I imagine a lot of people don't get that second chance, and that makes me really grateful.

Yeah. Makes me grateful even to have you as a friend and to see you do that work. I think that's part of the large reason why I wanted to have you on Trevor, is because you're someone who's traversed that journey and kind of took the first step down into the pit, and those are extremely courageous individuals. You're extremely courageous, and there's not a lot of people who are willing to do that. But what have you. What have you gotten as you've kind of jumped down into the pit? Because it's scary, it's dark, it's unknown, it's messy. But what do you get by jumping down in there? What do you get access to?

Well.

So what you get access to is.

Freedom, ultimately. And there's a lot of things that I'll just speak for myself that were tripping me up that I just couldn't see. A lot of things that I would default to.

Around people pleasing, for instance, you know, I would get frozen if I were in a situation where I had to give difficult feedback or make what would be a right decision to let someone go. I would get paralyzed. And.

What I didn't realize is there was something back there that needed to be healed in order for me to be more present.

This is an example that I gave both Terry and Austin, and there's no other way to explain it than.

This. Reality is.

You know, in that season of life where I was going, about to go through that life plan, I really saw that I was losing connection with my kids. I was losing a relationship with them, and I couldn't put my finger on it why.

And. And so, you know, I'm.

You know, a strategy guy. I'm a doer. And so I would put together these plans that would just fall flat, you know, of. I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna, you know, have this, you know, neat conversation with my son right before he went to bed, and, you know, this kind of, you know, almost comical kind of approach of like, no, I'm going to create this strategy and then implement it and all that I could tell.

Terry and Austin was before I did Life Plan, my. My kids would kind of go like this from me. And then after I did Life Plan, and there was, you know, a lot of this kind of work of going into my past and asking for forgiveness, forgiving myself, forgiving, you know, telling, you know, my younger self that he is loved and he's not, you know, bad, and he's. This isn't his fault. I didn't do anything else. I didn't implement any plans. And all of a sudden I could feel like my. My kids coming to me after that time, and I. I did. And for me, who, you know, I have to, like, do it, that was such a weird thing. I wasn't doing anything, and my kids were coming to me, and it's because there's, you know, this thing I couldn't see that was pushing them away and that I did mention to you this to you, Andy, before.

We got on into the interview, but your video for listeners, if you. If you haven't seen it yet, the video on Annie's website, it's artistic and beautiful and powerful. But what I. What resonated with me so much is the. The character in that video for the first two minutes, I know exactly what it's like to be that character. You're. You're. You're working, you're trying to do it, but you're. You don't even see that you're disconnected from those you care about most, and you're actually kind of pushing them away. And I could say that was me. I was definitely doing that. And it took that work that helped me see that. Oh, I'm missing it. I'm not.

All these things that happened in the past that I just wanted to kind of push down there, that was what was blocking my ability to really be the husband and father that I wanted to be.

Yeah. For people who can't see, I can see, Trevor, right now. People who can't see, there's a lot of emotion, like I'm tearing up. I can see just in you, Trevor. There's a lot of emotion coming up as you share this experience. And I think whether you're a father, a mother, or caregiver, there's a. There's a pain in not being able to let your kids into a part of yourself, let your wife or your husband into a part of yourself, because that part is you've never had access to it or you've never faced it. And I think that's probably if I'm hearing you right, Trevor, that's part of that. That pain and that gift is being able to go into that part and open up and share that with them. And what a beautiful thing that your kids got to know a part of their dad that they had never known before. And it was actually probably. What's amazing to me is it was a part that drew them close. So it was probably not the strategy part or the logical part or the cognitive part. It was probably this more warm and empathetic emotional part. So what you're saying you get when you go down there is you get relationship, you get connection, and, you know, this leads into this next question I have for you. Like leaders, if they're on that precipice of, you know, gosh, I don't know if I want to jump down in that pit. I don't know what's there. I don't. I want to open up Pandora's box. Like, what feedback would you give to them as they contemplate this journey?

Yeah, I mean, the. The same, you know, feedback that Terry Looper gave me is that I didn't listen to is he told me you could do this the easy way or the hard way. You know, the hard way comes at a cost to those you. You love and you care about most. And if you're feeling this.

One thing that Terry told me is everything in me is going to not want to go down there. And he was right. I mean, I. I had every excuse in the book because again, for context sake, he saw something in me that said, hey, you. You need to. I want to get help and I will. I will create it for you. In my early 30s, and it was, you know, five years later that I finally went there. And so I had all sorts of, you know, really good excuses to not do it. Finances and time and. Oh, is it really. Do I really need to do that? And, and so. And all the while it was at the expense of my relationships, My. My most important ones, because I wasn't be able. I wasn't able to fully show up as the way that. The way that God made me. There was all sorts of things blocking that. And so what I would tell them is.

Do it. Do it sooner. You know, go there. It's. If you are how I'm wired, it. It can be counterintuitive. It can. It doesn't feel like the most productive use of your time when you're starting out.

And that's a good thing. Like you. You. If you're like me, you need that. You need to slow down, Like I needed to slow down.

And you need to realize like a lot of how you are operating right now is autopilot and there's a way to heal that where you could get more present. And then also my final thing is like, and then you know, the work goes on because I am very much in it right now.

I know I have a lot more to go as far as how I can be fully present.

Showing up with those I care about in my, my marriage, relationship, my, my kids, my, at my work.

And that's awesome because now it's more of a practice. And.

And so yeah, I think the, the short one liner would be everything in you is going to want to not do it and so do it.

Totally.

So what's ironic is, you know, we're both into fitness, we like exercise. If he was to, if you were to tell someone around physical fitness, like don't push yourself because you're going to experience pain, like that's how you get growth, that's how you get developed. So you actually push your body beyond what it's, what it's capable of. And if we just stayed in our comfort zone, there's no way to grow physically. And like you're describing, there's no way to grow emotionally if we don't push into the discomfort of that growth.

Yes, yes.

I, I, I, I love what you have to say and I actually really like that you said you're on this journey to wholeness. You haven't arrived, which I think is a fallacy that we're, we're never there but we're pursuing this journey. What's next for you on this journey? What are some areas that you want to continue to lean into and develop?

Yeah, well, and I love the analogy to physical fitness. So really kind of any practice where you're trying to.

I, I grow and get healthier, whether it's spiritual, physical and, and in this category of kind of emotional.

Health, it very much is the, it's the consistency of it, it's the, the practice of it has become part of your.

Your, your routine, your rhythms. As far as for me, you know, seeing a counselor at a regular interval and then what's been a real game changer is having.

A like hearted individual to walk with. And so.

I think kind of what I was a little bit trying to articulate before with kind of the irony of, you know, my company being about connection is because it is easy for me to put on the mask and that say like I'm doing great, I'm doing fine.

I have, I've had a lot of, you know, I'd say inch deep relationships and not too many, you know, deep relationships. I have a very. I have a really powerful love story with my wife, and that's a deep relationship. Obviously, I'm really grateful for that. Haven't had too many male friendships where I've been fully known. And my relationship with Austin, I would say, has been that where we meet regularly, he knows all of my bs, you know, he knows my tendencies and my risk areas of shame and.

Self doubt and.

And we're honest about where we are and then we're super encouraging about kind of growth that we see.

And so we're kind of on this path together. And that's been really, really helpful. And I think as I think about going forward, it's making sure that those rhythms continue. Um, so I think the analogy to working out so I don't go, you know, multiple months, multiple, you know, that can happen. I think you can, you can go multiple months, multiple years and, and that I think at the expense again of your ability to.

Really show up and be present for those you care about most.

Absolutely. You are a gift, Trevor, to me as a friend. You're a gift to a lot of other people in your community. Thank you for being on the podcast today. If. And I would encourage anyone who's listening, any leader who's listening. The reason why I bring these individuals on is so you can know if you want to pursue wholeness, connect with these individuals. These are the individuals that you want to. To ping, to email, to get coffee with, to get a call with, because they're going to help you. They're going to be part of your tribe that's going to help you pursue wholeness. So Trevor's one of those guys and I have loved every conversation I've had with you. Trevor, how can people get in contact with you if they want, you know, just to pick your brain on business or on wholeness?

Well, Andy, you're a gift. And how we originally got connected. I was in a room of leaders that, um, I think they're incredibly gifted and accomplished, but somehow in this room, you had.

Basically everyone in the room crying as you're going through different exercises. And that was, by the way, that was before I had this moment that I this life plan trajectory. And that was another really powerful moment. Just you were, for a lot of us in that room, kind of introducing us to this idea of emotional health and getting and getting whole. So really grateful for your work and our friendship. And yeah, I love what you said. I will second what Andy said. If anyone who's listening wants to connect, kind of maybe double click into. Okay, so what were you talking about? What would be the next step for me? Please, by all means, reach out to me. I think the easiest way to do that would be I'm Most active on LinkedIn, so my. My LinkedIn profile, Trevor Hightower. That'd be the social media that I'm most engaged in. And then KraftWerkGroup.com is our company website and has some. Some contact information there. So either one of those sources.

Fantastic. Hey, Trevor, thanks for being on the show.

Thank you, Andy.

Thanks so much for listening. For more resources, links and show notes, visit pursue whole.com and click podcast. Before we go, it would be extremely helpful if you would please leave a review on itunes or wherever you find this podcast. This helps me understand my audience better and serve more leaders such as yourself. That's it for me this week. Feel free to connect with me on LinkedIn, LinkedIn or other social platforms. And I'll be back next week with another episode of the Pursue Whole podcast.