In this solo talk, Arthur C. Brooks offers a research‑grounded parenting framework built around three core principles. First, he introduces the “as‑if” principle, drawing on William James and Richard Wiseman, arguing that acting as the parent you wish to be— even simulating a genuine Duchenne smile— can reshape your brain and behavior, allowing even self‑described “hot‑mess” individuals to become effective parents. Second, he advises that whenever parents feel uncertain or overwhelmed, the default response should be warmth and love; this “bring it in” strategy counters avoidance and models unconditional support, especially when children act out. Third, he urges parents to “be an actor,” imagining themselves as the adult version of their child and embodying the habits, attitudes, and relationships they want their child to emulate. Throughout, Brooks weaves personal anecdotes about his own children and grandchildren, highlights the role of the prefrontal cortex in self‑governance, and reassures listeners that most parental mistakes are minor and not the source of lasting regret. The talk blends psychological research, practical tips, and personal storytelling to help parents craft a happier, more purposeful family life.
Chapters
I want to talk today about one of the greatest sources of both happiness and unhappiness for many, perhaps most people. And that's being a parent, being a mother or father. Most people will talk about the joys that that brings, the frustrations that that brings, the fear that that brings is being a parent. And I want to talk about that because I have 2 questions that I want to ask empirically, and that I want to help you craft a life strategy around if you have kids, Are you going to have kids? 3 things to keep in mind. Number one, a lot of people today say, I can't have kids because I'm a mess. Yes, you can. I have the data. Even a hot mess can be a really great parent. Why? Because we can be self-governing individuals. There's a wonderful body of literature in psychology that comes from the British psychologist Richard Wiseman called the On the As-If Principle. It's actually goes back to the work of William James, the father of modern psychology, who talked about the fact that he purported that he hypothesized that people will become something that they're pretending to be. Right. And that's because you, you, it's not manifestation. It's just like, it's role-playing until it becomes realistic in your own life. You live up to the fiction that you're trying to create. That was what he believed. And Richard Wiseman has shown in his work that it's absolutely the case called the as-if principle. Act as if you were that particular person. If you want to be happier, pretend you're happier. I've got all these interesting studies. I probably mentioned them before on the show that if you actually figure out a way to simulate a Duchenne smile, which is physiologically the smile that's uniquely associated with happiness that involves the orbicularis oculi and zygomaticus major muscles in your face, nothing to do with the mouth, all having to do with the eyes. That if you can simulate that, that it will fool your brain into thinking you're actually happier and you will be happier. Now, the way to do that is in the morning to take your pencil, a pencil, and clamp it between your molars. See what happened? It actually exerted the muscles that I'm talking about right there. And you feel happier immediately. If you do that for about a minute, you'll feel happier for about an hour. As a matter of fact, give it a try. But that's the as-if principle. Act as if you were the particular person. You're a hot mess. Well, welcome to the world of hot messes, man. Act like the person you want to be around your children. You will become that person. And so will they. Well, is it harder for some people than others? Yeah, totally. But here's the point. We are self-governing. You know, we have this big meaty prefrontal cortex, a 6th of your brain by weight. No, wrong. 30% of your brain by weight. I got that wrong. I got the math wrong. I know you're holding me to that. You're going to write into the comments, you said a 6, that's 30%. And what that allows us to do is to not choose our animal impulses. It allows us to live in our space of our moral aspirations. The executive center of our brain says the limbic system isn't in charge. I am. The conscious me allows me to be the person that I want to be. If I'm a mess and I'm, and I have a difficult emotional profile, if I'm suffering from mood disorders, well, I Will I find it harder than other people to do the right thing and say the right thing and model the right behavior? Yeah. But all of us can do this. You know, actions are more important than feelings for self-governing individuals. And this is one of the reasons, by the way, that most people are better people once they have kids, because they're so much more dedicated to self-governance, to self-management, and it improves their lives because they start to live this as-if principle. Even if you're a mess, you can be a great parent. And that's principle one that I want you to remember. Principle number 2, when you don't know what to do, when you got teenagers or little kids or toddlers that are, you know, waking up at 2 o'clock in the morning with croup and you haven't slept in a week, when you don't know what to do, here's your go-to, be warm and loving. I don't care if you feel it or not, because the as-if principle, be warm and loving, love them more. You know, and I remember that when one of our kids was being particularly difficult and, you know, we just threw up our hands and my wife said, I'm completely resigned. I guess all we, all we can do at this point is love him. Right? In other words, bring it in. This is what great families and really good couples, by the way, they have in common is when they feel avoidance, like, nah, they practice approach, bring it in. It's one of the things I try to do in my marriage. I don't always succeed. It's when I'm feeling avoidance, I'm feeling aversion because I'm annoyed. I say, bring it in, bring it in. Because what are you doing? You're using the opposite signal strategy. You're using the as-if principle and the ultimate rebellion against the self. And especially in the moments of greatest desperation is warmth and love, warmth and love. When you don't know what to do as a parent, warmth and love. What if they're being a brat? Especially then they need your love the most when they deserve your love the least is what it comes down to. That is the modeling behavior that will truly change their lives. I remember that my parents loved me when I didn't deserve it. And that's what helped me to love my kids when they deserved it the least. I'm trying to do that with my grandkids. Although I have to tell you about my grandkids, they're never bad. They're always good. I don't know what it is about grandkids, but they're just great all the time. Okay. Number 3, be an actor. And this is related to the first 2, of course. But imagine that you are playing in a play, the adult version of your kid. Okay. And so your kid, and again, there's a lot of literature on this, but I don't have to give you the literature on this. It makes perfect sense given all we've talked about before. Pretend if you're 40 years old and you've got a kid at home who's 10, pretend that you are the 40-year-old version of your son or daughter. Behaving in a particular way that you'd find good and happy. Those are the 2 standards, good and happy, right? What are they doing? What are they saying? How are they behaving? How are they reacting? How are they treating other people? How are they treating themselves? What are their habits? Think about that. Okay. I'm, I'm so, you know, right now I'm 62 years old and my son Joaquin is 28 years old. I'm 62-year-old Joaquin. Right now he's sort of past the age where I'm really, really worried about this so very much. But guess what? You know, he lives right next to me and he's paying attention to me now too, because he wants to know what it's like to be kind of old. And he's going to model a lot of his behavior, conscious or not, on that. So I'm 62-year-old Joaquin. What do I want to see him doing to be both good and happy? And when we do that, kids actually see that and that creates this imprinting behavior. And that Theater production itself will almost never steer you wrong. You're not going to say, you know, my 62-year-old son, what do I want to see him doing? Let's say, I want to see him. I want to see him being mean to his wife. Yeah. I want to see him actually behaving workaholically and not paying attention to his kids and grandkids. Yeah. That's a really good idea. That's what I want him to do. You know, I want to see my 62-year-old son being a drunk. That's what I want. No, no, it's not what I want. And it's even more important when I was earlier in life, when I was 40 years old, what do I want? What do I want the 40 and the 30 year old version of my kids to look like. Okay. One last note. As a parent, you're going to make a ton of mistakes. And, and, and here's the thing. It doesn't matter. It mostly doesn't matter. Most mistakes that you make, they seem really heavy and they seem really grave. They're not. As a matter of fact, I can think back on my selfishness and my blunders as a dad and, and, and all the things that I did wrong, all the boring sports games that I missed because I was, you know, so important at work. birthdays and things that are, you know, it's just, I got it. You know, I'm a troubled soul and I've made a lot of wrong decisions in my life. And on some sleepless nights, those instances roll around in my head and fill me with regret. They really do. Those aren't the big sources of regret. I have other regrets that are much bigger than that. Maybe someday on the show we'll talk about them, but then I look at my sons and my daughter and How did it all work out? I mean, I, I started the show talking about my son when he was struggling in school. Actually, the problem was he wasn't struggling in school. We were struggling with the fact that he wasn't struggling and didn't seem to care and all that. And, and, and how did all my hectoring about grades and values work out? It didn't matter in the end. The fact that I made those mistakes and the fact that I ultimately went to doing this stuff that I really cared about, which was trying to be an upright man so that he would be upright as well. And it worked out. Was he a big scholar in college? No, he skipped school. He skipped college. As a matter of fact, with my full blessing and the blessing of his mother, he worked on a farm for a year. And then he joined the Marine Corps where he spent 4 years as a mortarman and then as a scout sniper, which is an elite part of the Marine Corps and a very scary job. Just the training is dangerous as a matter of fact. But he came out at 23, married with a son. And now he's 26 and has 2 sons and he's happily married and he loves me and he loves his wife and he loves his kids. He loves his mom and I love him. And we talk every single day. And despite the fact that I'm a complete screw-up, he turned out just fine. And so will your child.
