Can I Forgive My Husbands Past Porn Addiction? // Hump Day Q&A

Foreign. You know what time it is, sweetie?

It's hump day. Q and A time. Hump day Q and A. Hump day Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump day Q and A. We love answering your questions. So every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in.

Since my husband and I have been together for eight years and he recently told me that your podcast episode about porn really hit home, this was a shock to me because whenever we had talked about the topic before, he always said it was just an issue when he was younger and before we were together. But through this conversation, I learned it was still something he watched regularly early in our relationship and marriage. He was saved three years ago and is now living for the Lord and says it hasn't happened since. But I'm having a hard time forgiving him and getting past this. He says he's free from it, but I don't feel it. The thought of having sex now makes my stomach turn with anxiety. I really need some advice on how to get past this as the injured partner. And, you know, thank you. Thank you for this question. Thank you to your husband. If he's listening for, you know, for watching, listening that podcast and then for, and then for sharing. It was something we always encourage people to do, is have the courage to share, to be honest. And so, you know, he did that. And that's something, you know, the porn issue is so hard and it is a sin and it caused so much damage. I know because I've done that damage to myself and to Ashley through my past porn even issue. But he had the courage to do the right thing here and right off the bat before we get anywhere else, that's just something to be celebrated in and of itself. And so that was an attempt to right a wrong and to build a bridge of trust with you and to get everything out in the open. And so, yes, it created some new wounds that need to be processed. But just to celebrate the good on the front end, it's such a healthy thing that he confessed this and something that should be celebrated.

But it is one of those things where it's a process because it sounds like he has now processed this. He has sought God's forgiveness. It sounds like he got help with this and he sought your Forgiveness. And so he's kind of a little further along in his healing process. And I think that, you know, after you listen to this podcast, I hope he listens to, you know, I would just. I would unpack that for him and just say, listen, I'm really struggling with this. I'm not sure if you've been honest with him about your feelings, but, you know, tell him, say, I'm really struggling with anxiety about this. It kind of. It just. It's bringing up some feelings where I don't know how to really deal with this.

Or what else you're hiding at this.

Or what else you're hiding.

Right. If this was a secret, are there other secrets?

Exactly. And so, like, he sought healing and he feels the freedom from it. Cause she said he's told her, no, I'm totally free from this, which is awesome. But here you are trying to cope and deal with it and to come through. So as one who's walked through this myself, I. I just wanna say, give yourself the room and the grace and the time and the space to process this. It's okay. And I would just be honest with your husband. Not that you're trying to hold it over his head, but just to say, listen, you've had time to process this. You've probably had years to process this. And to heal from this, I need some time. I need some time. And I would just really be honest with him about how you're feeling. I think that when. When someone has kept something from you, like having a porn issue, when it comes to the bedroom specifically, it's very natural to not be trusting and being intimate with each other and to feel a little anxious in the short term. I mean, that's very normal. I remember those early days of me trying to cope with the news of Dave having a porn issue. And so it took some time for me to know that I could trust him again. And I would just encourage your husband, too, to say, I know you're free from it, but I just need to know absolutely that I can trust you and make sure you know there's ways to do this, just practically speaking, by having filters on all devices, just making sure that it's not even a temptation for him anymore. So there's accountability in place, but also just keeping that open line of communication and talking to him about how you're feeling and how he's doing. But I would tell you too, you know, if it keeps on being a mental stumbling block for you, where it's making you doubt his desire for you, because that is something that often happens when you find out your spouse has been having an issue with porn and has been going back to porn time and time again, it makes you feel inadequate. And so I just want you to know that you are more than adequate, that you're a beautiful daughter of Christ. You did nothing to cause this. There's nothing that you did or didn't do that made your husband have this porn issue. So I just wanna get that out of your head, because that's often a thought that comes in there. But secondly, I just think it might be good to talk to a counselor. I know we talk a lot about counseling, but it takes time to unpack this because it can. The porn issue itself can make you feel inadequate, but then it can also kind of bring back some deeper wounds that you have. And I think that if this becomes a prolonged issue of anxiety with you and it just. Like when it comes to being intimate with your spouse, when even the thought of sex kind of brings you anxiety, I really think that would be a time to go to a counselor and really get to the root issue and maybe even a marriage counselor, too. We talk all the time about how individual counseling is awesome. And, you know, Faithful Counseling is one of our sponsors, and we love them. They're awesome. For individual Christian counseling, you can go.

To faithfulcounseling.com getfaithful.com I always mess up that website. So if you go to getfaithful.com nakedmarriage, a great place to start that journey to find a good counselor.

But if you want marital counseling to really talk through this and to make sure that you have safeguards in place for both of you, for this not to become an issue again and for there to be continue to be that open line of communication and for their to not. For sex not to be this stumbling block. You can talk to one of our marriage coaches here at Marriage Today and you can set up an appointment by going to marriagetoday.com coaches. They're amazing. They can talk through all of these things with you. But I think it's good that you're both being honest. And if you haven't talked to your husband about your feelings yet, I think that's the next step that I would encourage you to take.

Yeah, it's such a great question. And if you're listening to this or watching this and you right now are caught up in porn, you know, first stop, because nothing good comes from it. And then confess. Confession always brings healing. Don't believe the lie that it's going to be better to just keep this a secret, to just keep this in the dark. You know, the Bible says that which is hidden in darkness will be shouted from the rooftops. In other words, like, all the secrets eventually come out and we need to be the ones that have the courage for it to come out. In fact, in my own journey with pornography, my biggest regret is that I at that time was still caught up in it and did not have the courage to confess it. I was actually kind of caught Ashley found on our old clunky home computer long before the days of smartphones, kind of where I'd been. And that created even more layers to unpack with broken trust because I had not been the one to confess it. When you initiate and you're the one to confess it, fast forwards that healing process and that trust rebuilding process. And so if you're listening, you know, have the courage to do what this guy's done. And for the lady, the wife who wrote in, thank you so much again for your courage in writing in this and just our prayers for you as you continue to heal. And we just believe God has got such great things for your marriage in the days ahead and you are on the path to healing. It might hurt right now with this news being fresh, but you're actually, I believe, in a healthier place in your marriage than you've probably been in a long time. Now that this truth is out there and you can both move forward together.

Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day. Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there. Or you can follow us on Instagram avanashleywillis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So catch you next time on Hump Day. Q and A.