Changing Me First // Hump Day Q&A

Foreign.

You know what time it is, sweetie?

It's hump day. Q and A time.

Hump day Q and A. Hump day Q and A. Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. Hump day Q and A. We love answering your questions. So every Wednesday we're dropping a special podcast episode focused on one of your questions. You can submit your own marriage related question online@nakedmarriagepodcast.com or by sending us a message on Instagram aveandashleywillis. We've got a great question today, so let's dive in. This week's question, it says, hi. My husband and I have been going through what I'd call an extreme rough patch for quite some time now. We are a blended family and have three kids, two girls from his previous marriage, and we have one boy together. He has a lot of stress at work, so that doesn't help at home either. Our fights escalate into him getting extremely angry and yelling. And it happens in front of our kids often. I've begged him to go to counseling and he flat out refuses because he doesn't think that I will change. And he's been to counseling before with his previous marriage, so he thinks he knows what the counselor will say. I'm so lost. I pray constantly that God will fix our marriage, but I am losing hope at this point. I don't want his yelling to continue in front of our children. So it sounds like whatever triggers he has, whether they're coming from work or just kind of a. A lot of us men do have kind of anger related triggers where anger either is the result of a trigger or anger sometimes itself is the trigger and how we respond to stress. And it's creating this unhealthy dynamic in the home that's creating a, you know, a not peaceful environment for the kids and maybe not the right example for the kids of what a marriage should look like. So kind of in light of our conversation today, what would you encourage this wife to do as a first step when he doesn't seem willing to go to counseling at this point? And what would you encourage her to do? We'll just leave it at that.

Yeah, Amber. One of the chapters, Amber, talks about this, that we need to have a me first attitude and that it's not what it seems. It's not that I should get what I want first and I should always, you know, have that as my priority. It's about changing me first. I feel like I can't change Amber, but I know that what I can do is I can change My attitude, and I can really work on those things myself without the expectation that Amber's going to change, knowing that if I work on myself first and I'm honoring God with who I am and how I respond and how I deal with situations, that. That eventually Amber is going to see that and be affected by that and come around herself. So I think that's a starting point for us. Is that something that is very, very important?

Yeah. Well, you know, and we're not saying at all that this is easy and that it's not painful. It's very painful to die to yourself, and it's very painful to be on the receiving end of somebody else's sin. Our sin never just affects ourselves. There's a ripple effect where our sin impacts others. And the good news is this world is not our home, that we have the hope of heaven to look forward to. And I can't wait for that day. But while we're here, we're going to be in some very painful circumstances at times. And my heart really goes out to that listener because I know the pain that some of the spouses that are listening to this message now are going through. And they say, look, we're in this situation where we're the only one who cares. My spouse won't go to counseling. They won't discuss these things with me. And Guy is right. I think foundationally it starts with that me first attitude. And Matthew, it talks about, do to others as you would have them do to you. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and your neighbor as yourself. There are no disclaimers there, unfortunately, there's no disclaimer that says, well, if they're nailing you to a cross, then you don't have to love and forgive them. And actually, we love Jesus because he first loved us while we were still sinners. So we know we're asking hard things here, but we do believe that having that me first attitude means, all right, I wish my husband would help around the house more. But you know what? I'm going to have a me first attitude. I'm going to be first to clean, to do the dishes. I'm going to be first to when I'm exhausted at the end of the day, and I just came home from a long day at work and my wife is. Is managing a colicky baby. I'm going to be the first one to delay my rest, to give her rest, having that me first attitude. And I don't think we can ever underestimate the power of Prayer. I know that sometimes it can take a long time and it feels like the story is over and there is no hope. And yet that's really never the case in God's economy. He has no specific timeline that says if you've been praying this long and doing the right thing this long, then there's no hope. We believe that by having that me first attitude, by putting on love and doing what is right yourself, that the blessings that will come your way really ripple into eternity. But we also believe that it's really hard to be loved unconditionally and to be loved well and for that not to have an impact on you. So we believe that when a spouse continues to do the right thing themselves, goes to counseling themselves, gets good counsel from godly pastors and counselors and mentors themselves, and then continues to do what is right on their end, that the Lord will direct your steps. And we do believe that we'll see a shift in that marriage a lot of the time. We'll see the Lord do what he does best. But as long as both of you are entering into these triggered reactions perpetually, that's when it's really going to. There's going to be a lot of more conflict and problems that arise from that. So we just encourage people to not give up praying, to not give up having the me first attitude, and really to trust and have hopeful expectation that nothing is too hard for the Lord.

I love that that's so true. Because, you know, so many times we want to change our spouse, but we just don't have. We don't, you know, and thank God we don't. Because God, you know, he sees the full picture. And it's hard for us to come out of our own feelings and how we're feeling in that moment and what we want to do to change our spouse. But God knows exactly what needs to change. And so, yes, I reiterate what Amber and Guy have both said about just, you know, hanging in there, keep getting prayer. And I love Amber. What you said about, you know, maybe he won't go to counseling with his wife right now, but maybe she can go to counseling. She can go to Christian counseling. And, you know, when we go to counseling and Dave and I talk about this all the time, it's such a. It's like another person in your corner who can not only be praying for you, but also give you new perspectives to think about, give you verses that maybe you're gonna read in a whole new light that apply to your life, that you can really cling to in this hard season. And so I just wanna reiterate that for that person listening who is, you know, the wife specifically who wrote this, but also those who are listening who are in this dynamic, to not lose hope, to know that God sees you in this really frustrating moment and there's always hope in the Lord, and to keep on saying those prayers, keep on reading those books just like marriage triggers and go get the counsel and just being as practical as not retaliating. I think so many times when someone comes in the room and they're just yelling at us. I mean, we're human beings. We wanna yell right back. You know, we're angry. Cause it's jarring. But if we can be prayed up before the husband comes home and just say, lord, help me respond in a calm manner and do that. And maybe even have the kids, if he tends to do this right when he gets home, have the kids in another room so they don't have to kind of be taking that anger right away. If you know that that's a habit he has. And then when you respond in a calm way and just say, hey, I can tell you've had a rough day. Like, can I make you some coffee? Or, you know, what can I do to help you feel a little bit better? Because I can tell that you're. You're angry from your day. It's really hard to stay angry at somebody who's asking how they can help us. I mean, it's just human nature. So I just wanna encourage the wife in that. And, y', all, I would love to keep on talking about this, but we're gonna have to let you guys go. But listeners get your hands on marriage triggers. It's such a great book. It's available wherever books are sold. And Amber and Guy, thank you so much for joining us today.

Thank you, Dave. Thanks, Ashley. It's been our pleasure. We're praying for every listener.

Absolutely.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you all so much for listening to today's episode of Hump Day. Q and A. We love getting your questions and we want to answer your question. So if you go to nakedmarriagepodcast.com you can submit your question right there or you can follow us on Instagram avanashleywillis and you can give us your questions right there by giving us a dm. So we'll catch you next time on Hump Day Q and A.