Fetishes And Role Playing | 14 Days of Sex | Day 7

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Hey there and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis and on this podcast we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we are continuing in our series All About Sex. To start off this year and today we're going to talk about something. I don't know if we've devoted a whole episode to this before, but it is fetishes and role playing. Is there a place for this in the Christian marriage? And if so, what does it mean? What does this mean?

So we're going to get nodd here for a few minutes.

Somebody once wrote us and said they don't like it when you say naughty. Well, but you guys, he's just meaning it silly. Like, he's.

No, I'm not.

He's meaning. Well, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's not like, no, no, lighten up.

If that, of all the stuff that we've said, if that's, that's what offends you, I'm sorry.

There's probably been lots of things that.

Have, I'm not even sure what to do with that.

But yeah, he just.

So fetishes and role playing.

Yeah.

And you know, we get, we do get written a lot, you know, and fetishes and role playing. What does that mean? What are we referring to?

What is a fetish?

Okay, so fetish is when there is something very specifically that's usually non sexual or often non sexual. Like that turns you on in a sexual way. Like. Yeah, like, you know, you, you like doing stuff with your, with your wife's feet.

Like you're really into feet or you're.

Really into certain kind of fabric. The feel of like, oh, if I wear, if I wear something that's like, if you wear something that's like fluffy and made of silk. Then that's like, that's the turn on. I gotta have that to, to really get going.

Yeah.

And so that's in a nutshell. That's fetishes. There's lots of other simplification of it. Role playing is just what it sounds like. It's when you're playing specific roles and you're, you're acting out scenarios where it's like, you know, hey, I'm the pizza delivery guy.

Yeah.

And. But. Oh yeah, you don't have money to pay for the pizza. Maybe I could pay you in some other way. Well, I think that role playing can come from a lot of things. I think the dangers of both of these is when it's fueled by pornography.

Right.

Because there's a lot of fetish porn and there's a lot of role playing, role playing kind of porn where if you find yourself just acting out scenes from.

Sure.

You know, clearly off, off boundary things like porn. We're not going to turn this into a porn episode. But porn is what fuels a lot of this and people are looking to porn as an instructional manual for sex instead of a toxic counterfeit. So I'm not saying that all fetishes and role playing are bad. I'm just saying that anything that's fueled by pornography.

Yes.

Is going to.

Ultimately we need to ask ourselves that.

And then like, what?

You know, I've received messages before from wives who are saying like, my husband wants me to do this role playing. And I feel like, where is this coming from? Like.

Right.

And. And my answer was, well, ask him. You know, and it could totally be like, I just think that'd be really hot. You know, I think that'd be kind of fun to role play. I mean, for some people it is really fun. It's like something that they just, you know, enjoy that and. But I, you need to make sure you're both on board with it though. Because I could tell this wife was like, man, is he watching porn? Is that where he's getting this?

Well, and a lot of times it's not. Sometimes it's, it's. You know, there was a very famous episode of Friends for instance.

I'm not real familiar with Friends. I like the scenery up where one.

And I can't even remember like who, which character was what. But like if two of the characters.

And they're not married.

No.

So one of them. Two of them.

I don't know. I'm not saying that there's anything healthy about this. I'm just giving it as a scenario. But one of the friends. Characters, one of the guys had always had this, like, this. This fetish and fascination with Princess Leia from Star Wars.

Oh, yeah.

When she's got the little buns on the side of her hair and she's like in the. In the little thing and she's like, you know. You know, just that whole look, that whole scene.

Well, from like a movie.

Right.

Probably that he saw.

It's like a PG movie. But, you know, as a kid, you're growing up and you're like, wow, that's hot.

Yeah.

And it sticks with you. And so I don't even remember now the whole scenario, but his. His girlfriend or wife to kind of like, try to help bring that fantasy to life. Does the whole Princess Leia bit. Gets the hair, the outfit and all that. And I think sometimes fetishes and role playing are like that. It's not necessarily fueled from porn, but it's fueled from. One of you kind of had this fantasy maybe from adolescence, and the other one is like, oh, well, let's. It'd be kind of fun, almost silly to act that out.

Like a Halloween costume.

Like, costume. But then, like, the danger of that is, well, but in the fantasy now, am I. Am I not myself? Are you not making love to me? You're making. In. In your mind, making love to this character or this. Even this. Even more specifically this actress, this other person who played that character. And so that's where it can be dangerous. There are some fetishes, role playing, where it's kind of more. It's not tied to, like, one specific person, but it's like the, like, one scenario, like, oh, it'd be hard if, like, if you're like a nurse, a nurse in, like, kind of a skimpy outfit, you're taking care of me. And there's something hot about that. And, you know, you got this little sexy nurse outfit.

Or even some people get into role play where it's dangerous, like where they're being cap. You know, captured and.

Yeah.

I mean, there's people that get into that in extreme.

Extreme cases, you know, where some people act out, like, rape fantasies.

Yes.

Where they're both in on it, but it's like the wife wants to be just taken. Ravaged. And, you know, the husband wants, you know, saying ravaged.

I don't know why that made me laugh. But there is a thing. I mean, and technically you could create that without having it be a rape fantasy. You know what I'm saying? And again, you need to, like. And if that's but that's violent.

Yeah, if it's violent, if it's rooted in violence. For me, I feel like it's dangerous to act out any kind of scene that is anchored in something that's. That's violent. Like, if you have to go to a place where you're doing something that's really objectifying or violent, diminishing, illegal or diminishing, or even pretending that there's not consent, that feels dangerous to me. That feels disrespectful to the other person.

Yeah.

And so I'm not here to be the referee of everybody's sex life, because I do think God gives us an enormous amount of freedom in the bedroom. But I also think that fetishes and role playing.

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A gateway to some really dangerous things.

Yeah, well, like, is it called. Am I saying this right? Bdsm? Am I saying.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm not even sure what that all stands for, but I know that it's the bondage. The bondage and the choking. Like, you know, like the submissive and the dominant type thing. Like a 50.

Whips and chains.

Yeah, and Whips and Chains. Like that song. So popular.

No, no, you can whip your.

There's a new Christian version of that, which is. It makes me smile. It's on Instagram. But anyway. But that, you know, and it's even. That song's done. Done, like, almost to be silly. But it's, you know, in our culture, it is very pervasive. Like, well, if you're not scared or feeling dangerous in your sex life, what are you even doing? And I think that that's very much perpetuated by just pop culture and movies and things. And most of the time, like, we've had people write us over the Years. And, you know, we've been doing this over a decade now. And it's usually one spouse really likes it, and the other just goes along with it.

Right? And that.

And that is heartbreaking, that dynamic so.

Hard, because the one that's going along, you know, you're trying to, like, be there for your spouse, but the whole time you feel used or uncomfortable. And the other spouse, I think you. The bed. Here's the bottom line. The marriage bed has to be the safest place on earth for both of you. Safe. And if either one of you feels unsafe at any time, then you have to completely just call a timeout, step back, and say, wait a second. We've got a. We've got to approach this in a different way.

Yeah. And is this honoring God? I mean, honestly honoring each other?

Are we honoring each other?

I mean, it's. Sex was created to be this beautiful union of the two of you and God, you know, and it's. It's just. It's really not using sex as a gift from God when we are coercing each other into these scenarios. And again, like, if you're just playfully dressing up in a character, I mean, and you both are into it, have at it, you know, and the fetish thing, like, you married your spouse because you love their feet, and you want to, like, kiss on their feet and stuff. That's. And he likes it, and she likes it. Whatever. Do it. I mean, there's nothing wrong with that. You want to bring toys in there with these fetishes, and you both like it. I mean, hey, I don't know. But you. You guys know what I'm saying? You guys ask us about this stuff again if you feel like. You know what? I'm not, like, I. I feel like this isn't hurting my spouse. This is just being playful. That's a whole other thing. And we're not. We're not using sex.

Be playful.

We, like, always come back to. And we're using sex as a gift that God created because God is always right there with us. And. And we just have to remember that, you know, it is this beautiful gift that he gave us, a lot of freedom. But it's not meant to be a rape scenario or you know what I'm saying? Like, I mean, that is clearly against God's design. And so we just really need to get to the heart. This isn't to bring shame on anybody, but I think it is for all of us. We always need to come back to, like, asking God to search our hearts and Just being really gut level honest with our spouse and saying, like, have I ever put you in a scenario where you didn't feel safe or where you, you felt diminished, where you felt used? Because that is not my heart. And if you ever just went along with something, I am so sorry.

Yeah.

And this could be a sex act. I mean, maybe role playing fetish isn't even involved in this. Like, this could be anything. And just say, I am so very sorry. Let's, let's be more open about this because I want, I want it to always be fun and safe and beautiful and something that we know God created as a gift between the two of us. And I never want to use it in a way that is out of the, out of bounds.

You know, it's true. But on the, on the other hand, I would say too, if, if one of you always is uncomfortable with everything.

Oh, right.

Like, it just feels maybe because you had an upbringing where, you know, like, sex was always talked about in a negative way and this kind of rigid, legalistic way where you, you don't, you just kind of want to like lay there as still as you can in the dark and missionary position only, whatever. And anything beyond that, you're not, you.

Don'T even want to enjoy it.

Yeah. You don't, you feel guilty even enjoying it. Like, that's a whole separate issue that needs to be addressed. Like, why do you feel so restricted, like in an area where God has given us so much freedom? And so we've got a book that kind of deals with both extremes. I believe in a biblical way called the counterfeit climax to kind of work through the, the counterfeits you believe, whether it's believing all these lies that have been the root of maybe some of these role playing or fetish things that, that maybe aren't as healthy or the lies that have kind of kept you feeling rigid and, and restricted in the bedroom when God wants you to have freedom? Either way, the counterfeit climax book, it.

Can be either end of that, you know, it really can.

It definitely can.

And it all comes back to communication, guys. It all comes back to communication. But God doesn't want shame to be a part of our, our bedroom. He want. I mean, sex is not about shame. Right. Sex is about the, the beautiful union of a husband and a wife and having the freedom within that union that God has given us. So, yeah, have a great conversation about it. I know this isn't an easy one to have, but I mean, we need to talk about things.

I'm so glad that this is a safe place for us to have these conversations. And so, guys, thank you for trusting us with this conversation. You know, feel free to write us on Instagram. Avanashley Willis, Share your feedback, share your suggestions, and share your stories. We love hearing your stories, and we look forward to seeing you back here tomorrow.